adult topic

[traillius]

how are we as catholics to approach the issue of abuse. As survivors, or even friends and family thereof, how can we reconcile the need for mercy with the mandate of justice. How can we forgive as we are called to, and still not give any more of ourselves to our abusers than they have already taken, by allowing them access to our attention and presence. Its hard to balance forgiveness and mercy with the demands of both justice and protection ( of ourselves and others,) I know I need to choose to forgive, as christ commands, and this will be a lifelong struggle. Its hard to determine where the line lies over which we must cross as survivors to move on with our lives. Its even worse that part of what we lose, and must be willing to give up to grow, is the part of our lives that forces us to make a choice. For instance, family hanging on to abusers presence makes us choose whether or not we are willing to sacrifice relationships with third parties, in order for our personal safety to be maintained. I want to spend time with my family, but not if it means having to see my brother or uncle, who both assaulted me. None of this is my fault, that blame belongs solely to my abusers. I know I shouldn’t alienate eveyone, but I don’;t feel as if I am being given that choice. More power taken away, and its power I need to have, over my own life.

Sorry for rambling, any thoughts are welcome.

 

[OscarsMama]

I will say some prayers for you!!! :hug3:

Here are my thoughts. I, in no way, intend to hurt you more or make you feel embarrassed or anything. I just wanted to say that up front.

I think that being an adult survivor of abuse (of any kind) is extremely difficult. And I think that it takes possibly years and years of counseling (both psychological and spiritual) to deal with the many issues that arrise from childhood abuse. And, I hope that you are seeing somebody now. And I hope you have a good priest that you can speak to for the spiritual counseling/healing.

Please say lots of prayers at all times. God will help you, too.

As for the forgiveness part. That does NOT mean that you agree to associate with the abusers. Forgiveness means that you are not the little child (or whoever) that is being abused anymore. You are no longer trapped in that room. You are no longer scared. You are no longer worried. Etc. Forgiveness is about YOU. Not about the abuser. In fact, you never have to tell the abuser that you forgive him/her. That is for you and God to discuss. Forgiveness means that you are no longer trapped.

Forgiveness can take years and years. That is okay. Don’t rush yourself. Don’t think that you “must do the right thing because you are Catholic and forgive them.” Yes, eventually that is the goal. But it is okay to struggle and take time with that.

Be mad. Be scared. Be ashamed. Be happy. All that is okay. Don’t be afraid to feel. (Because I think that is what childhood abuse does to people. Makes them scared to feel). Make sure that you share all those feelings with other TRUSTED people.

And based upon what you have said in your post, other members of your family may NOT be the trusted people. Perhaps they do not believe you. Perhaps they do not want to acknowledge what happened. Regardless. That is THEIR DECISION.

It is NOT your job to try to convince them that they need to “take your side.” They may never take your side. They may ALWAYS side or associate with the abusers. But that does not mean that you have to. You can decide not to take part in those functions where the people that hurt you will be there. And you don’t have to constantly give a reason. It is not for you to explain over and over again.

Just like I wrote above, I hope that you are seeing a good counselor and a good priest. Don’t be afraid to feel. Don’t stop praying and don’t stop talking to or looking for God.