Adultery and forgiveness

[LiamQ]

I know if I’m sincere God will forgive me … I don’t want either relationship to end.

You must be sincere in your repentance of sin, and then you will be forgiven, yes. You do not seem ready to repent of your sin, however, and you’re rationalizing it with words like “love.”

My advice is much the same as the others. Stop committing adultery, never speak to or see this woman again, resolve to never sin like this again, and go to Confession wherein you will be made whole by the Father of Mercies.

I have some more advice, too. Don’t be effeminate. A man is able to set aside his own pleasure to pursue the arduous and the difficult. Only Christ can make you that kind of a man.

 

[pianistclare]

First post.
Traditional Catholicism forum.
Abysmal situation that anyone, even a non-Catholic would clearly understand is dead wrong.

I think our friend called it correctly:
trolling.

If you thought everyone was going to condone this behavior and advise you to keep it up…
you’re poking around in the wrong place. :tsktsk:

 

[ToeInTheWater]

First post.
Traditional Catholicism forum.
Abysmal situation that anyone, even a non-Catholic would clearly understand is dead wrong.

I think our friend called it correctly:
trolling.

If you thought everyone was going to condone this behavior and advise you to keep it up…
you’re poking around in the wrong place. :tsktsk:

The OP actually struck me as a brilliant example of satire, and is meant to point out the absurdity of some of the arguments used to defend the “divorced and remarried Catholics can receive Communion” as well as the overall “love wins” argument, that as long as two people have romantic love for each other, that automatically makes the relationship a force for good, even if some stuck in the mud fuddy-duddy conservatives find it breaks some age-old sexual taboos.

I guess it may still count as trolling, though. I recall Rush Limbaugh once launched a fake campaign to ban soccer, as a way to point out how absurd the liberal tendency toward over-regulation was. But while I understood his point, I never listened to him again, because he then took calls from dozens of people who actually DID have children seriously injured due to soccer, and let them think he was serious. Essentially trolling his own callers. I hope they were actually shills who helped to set up the comedy bit, not actual radio listeners who were calling.

 

[Wesrock]

Marriage is a vocation. You aren’t just betraying your wife. You are betraying the vows you made before God. If you truly want to do the right thing, not only do you have to end the relationship with the other woman, **but you must also tell your wife. ** God’s forgiveness comes easy. Forgiveness from your wife is going to be a different matter. But, you need both. Your wife is injured, even if she doesn’t know. She needs to heal.

OP, regarding telling your wife, I refrained from saying that for a reason, and I will admit that I’ve traditionally (and probably still do) have strong feelings that she must be told. What I recommended instead was earnestly following your confessor’s direction on that point and what restitution must be made, and I wanted to reiterate that point. This is something to be discussed with your priest or a trained spiritual counselor he (or the parish) directs you to… Perhaps over multiple sessions.

Marriage is truly a vocation, though.

 

[Wesrock]

There’s been a lot said on the difference between feelings and love, or more precisely, what you feel and what you will. All of that applies to repentance, too. Repentance is not just feeling guilty and bad, not even feeling terribly bad. It is a turning away from sin and back to God. It isn’t just feelings, but about what you do. Or perhaps better, it’s about your orientation and your trajectory. Repentance requires a resolve to turn away and carry through. If you are truly changing your trajectory, it means you will do what you can with the time you have to repent and turn away from this adulterous affair and go to confession. Until you make that shift, you aren’t serious about repenting.

To others, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and not accuse him of trolling. He may be at a point wracked by guilt. He may already know the answer. He may be at that point where he needs to be told what he already knows, and is seeking that. This is possibly, in a sense, a type of confession (though not sacramental and absolving), a cry for help. He may be at a point of turning, and just needs that push. OP, I obviously don’t know if any of that’s true, but it’s why I will take for granted you’re not trolling.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I have a situation and I would like some (name removed by moderator)ut. For the past 5 months I have been in a relationships with another woman. Obviously, I am married hence the title. The problem is I am in love with both women. Now, I know I will get plenty of comments saying that it isn’t possible to love 2 people but I am here to tell you that it is indeed very possible. I say that because the 2 women I love give me different people to love. So, one of my questions is what do I do? The “other woman” knows I’m married and except that fact and my love for my wife. My wife obviously does not know. I know if I’m sincere God will forgive me and I have been told that God’s forgiveness is the only one’s that matters. But, I don’t want to hurt either woman and in fact I don’t want either relationship to end. I’m truly conflicted. I would love some guidance or opinions.

I do believe it’s possible to be in love with two people. However, your marriage bound you to one of those women for life. This means that there’s truly nothing to think about. You need to need to end the relationship with your mistress and work on your marriage.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

OP, regarding telling your wife, I refrained from saying that for a reason, and I will admit that I’ve traditionally (and probably still do) have strong feelings that she must be told. What I recommended instead was earnestly following your confessor’s direction on that point and what restitution must be made, and I wanted to reiterate that point. This is something to be discussed with your priest or a trained spiritual counselor he (or the parish) directs you to… Perhaps over multiple sessions.

Marriage is truly a vocation, though.

I didn’t give an opinion on that as I’ve heard opinions both ways. I was read an article by a therapist that said they used to always advise to tell, but now advised the opposite. They had found that telling the spouse caused unnecessary hurt.

 

[Irishmom2]

I didn’t give an opinion on that as I’ve heard opinions both ways. I was read an article by a therapist that said they used to always advise to tell, but now advised the opposite. They had found that telling the spouse caused unnecessary hurt.

It is best to ask your priest for his advice on this part. Some have advised not to tell the spouse. Telling makes the cheater feel better, it eases their own guilt, but may serve no purpose for the other spouse except to hurt them. There is no one size fits all answer.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

It is best to ask your priest for his advice on this part. Some have advised not to tell the spouse. Telling makes the cheater feel better, it eases their own guilt, but may serve no purpose for the other spouse except to hurt them. There is no one size fits all answer.

I think sitting down with a priest would be a very good idea in this situation.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

It is best to ask your priest for his advice on this part. Some have advised not to tell the spouse. Telling makes the cheater feel better, it eases their own guilt, but may serve no purpose for the other spouse except to hurt them. There is no one size fits all answer.

While I have my doubts as to the OP, since I suppose some might be reading this in similar situations, I’ll just point this out:

There’s also the practical difficulty of actually succeeding in concealing actual ongoing extramarital affairs in this day and age. Those who argue “never tell” usually seem to assume that without a confession, the wronged spouse will forever remain in marital ignorant bliss. As opposed to actually suspecting something and suffering greatly from the uncertainty.

 

[Rau]

I have a situation and I would like some (name removed by moderator)ut. For the past 5 months I have been in a relationships with another woman. Obviously, I am married hence the title. The problem is I am in love with both women. Now, I know I will get plenty of comments saying that it isn’t possible to love 2 people but I am here to tell you that it is indeed very possible. I say that because the 2 women I love give me different people to love. So, one of my questions is what do I do? The “other woman” knows I’m married and except that fact and my love for my wife. My wife obviously does not know. I know if I’m sincere God will forgive me and I have been told that God’s forgiveness is the only one’s that matters. But, I don’t want to hurt either woman and in fact I don’t want either relationship to end. I’m truly conflicted. I would love some guidance or opinions.

There is no dilemma here. It would be evident to you I am sure that:

• you need to end the adulterous relationship;
• you need to confess your transgressions.

Whether it is appropriate to tell your wife is another question entirely - and much harder to resolve.

 

[Tantum_ergo]

If ‘Ted’ ever comes back, I hope he takes the advice to heart about stopping the adultery and ‘manning up’ to his wedding vows.

You know, Ted, you’re always going to find other women attractive and capable of being loved. It just doesn’t have to be YOU doing the ‘loving’ sexually.

And if you are man enough to live your wedding vows, and are graced with children, and watch them grow, I wonder if when your adult daughter comes weeping to you telling you that her husband, shortly after the marriage, started up a relationship with another woman and now tells her that 'he loves BOTH of us and doesn’t want to stop" that you will tell her, “Gee honey, can’t you just be happy with him on HIS terms? Why do you want to limit his loving?”