Advice about a tricky time

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halogirl

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I have a friend whose child has gone thru surgery and identifies as a trans man ( born female ). This child is getting married next year, to a woman, friend is really excited and brings it up the closer the time gets. Friend is also catholic and is totally pro gay marriage, people having gender re assignment etc. How do I respond tactfully when she is trying to talk to me about it and being all ‘mother of the Bride’ ish ?’I am torn between just going along with it ‘oh I’m sure you will have a lovely day etc’ but don’t want to seem like I agree with it. I don’t even know how to pray about it.
 
For me it would depend on how often I interacted with her and how far out the wedding date was.
 
Every day we are in a very very small department together at work, and it’s in spring
 
halogirl said:
I have a friend whose child has gone thru surgery and identifies as a trans man ( born female ). This child is getting married next year, to a woman, friend is really excited and brings it up the closer the time gets. Friend is also catholic and is totally pro gay marriage, people having gender re assignment etc. How do I respond tactfully when she is trying to talk to me about it and being all ‘mother of the Bride’ ish ?’I am torn between just going along with it ‘oh I’m sure you will have a lovely day etc’ but don’t want to seem like I agree with it. I don’t even know how to pray about it.
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Modern life is riddled with so many of these situations where people set themselves up for what I call “emotional slipdowns” — “I need you to ratify me in this situation which is against your religion”, and if you fail to do so, they get their nose out of joint, never mind that they are the ones violating your boundaries, not the other way around.

I would say something like this:

“I have always told my son that I would love him and be there for him no matter what. So I know what you are feeling. What your child is doing is not something I can condone, and I’m sure you can understand why. I wish everyone in this situation all the happiness in the world, and I hope things turn out the best for all concerned. I can certainly understand how this is a joyous occasion for you. Please give the couple my best wishes.”

That, to my mind, is an appropriate acknowledgement, and as courteous as you could be under the circumstances, without surrendering one iota of our Catholic Faith.
 
This being a coworker you have to interact with everyday puts an extra wrinkle in your situation. If it were me, I’d just grin and bear it until the spring. I’d keep my replies to a minimal and hope she’d get the hint that I wasn’t interested in the discussion.
 
Definitely bring it to prayer. Start by just saying, “God, I don’t know how to handle this; show me the way.”

That she is your co-worker and not just a friend is something to consider. It is tough to be too confrontational when you have to work with he every day and may have HR policies to contend with.
 
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Since it is a coworker I would say kind things you can actually mean without condoning the marriage when the subject comes up, but avoid the subject when you can. The couple aren’t seeking your approval, nor would they approve of your views, so you are pretty much even on that score! You can easily avoid going if you are invited by finding an excuse. Create a schedule conflict if you have to.

Things you can say? “What cake did they choose…buttercream is my favorite!” Or “I chose lace for my gown” or “you seem to be having so much fun with this!”

We aren’t obligated to comment on all we disapprove of and given you work together, I would sidestep it entirely. People lose jobs over discussions like this. If she asks whether you approve I would still say as little as possible such as, “you know I am conservative and Catholic but I am not looking to weigh in…they aren’t seeking my approval”. If she asks, which would be odd, she is stirring the pot. As they say, she who stirs the pot gets to lick the spoon.
 
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bit tricky when she brings it up ! I will try and steer the conversation away I think
 
Does your friend know you are Catholic and what you believe? If she is a friend, she will not push things on you.

If it were me, I would not try to tell her what is right according to her faith, she probably knows anyway and chooses to support her child. You can listen and respond kindly without condoning anything. As already mentioned, talk about the details, the arrangements about flowers or cakes, not the person.
 
If I were in your situation I would remind hed that it is the Church’s and God’s teaching to not support such a mockery of the sacrement of marriage. You are your sister’s keeper after all. Obviously find a nicer way to say it, but the point still needs to be given to her, she can’t be a christian and support her child’s grave mistakes.

I guess a better way to say it would be to poiletly remind her that you follow God’s teachings. Tell her you don’t feel comfortable having to hear this as it puts you between a rock and a hard place. On one hand you don’t want to compromise your faith and enable the scandal, on the other hand you value your friendship with your co-worker. If she respects you she will understand and not bring it up.
 
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