Advice After the Breakup of a Long Relationship

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FelixFelicis

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Hello All,

I’m new to the Forums, and this is my first time posting anything online. My girlfriend has recently ended our relationship after 5.5 years. To give a background, I met her in college and instantly became friends. After a year of knowing her we began a relationship through which we shared the happiest years of our lives. After graduating college we both moved to the same city and lived separately. We have the same interests, work in the same career field, and are overall very similar people. We are both Catholics and have tried to put God at the forefront of our relationship since its inception. I have always tried to respect her and never tried to force her to do anything she wasn’t okay with. There were hardly any issues over the course of our relationship and when we would argue, the problems we had to overcome always seemed minimal. Honesty and communication have always been very important for us, so much so that 2 years ago, I confessed to her that I was attracted to one of her coworkers (a former classmate of ours in college). I told her that it was a purely physical attraction and that I would not act on it. I made decisions to forget about the girl and focus on my girlfriend whom I loved. A month ago, my girlfriend also confessed to me that she had feelings for a coworker. I felt devastated because I know the guy and he is so different than her (and myself). I told her that I had gotten over my crush for the other girl and hoped that her feelings for her coworker would go away as well. I told her I was willing to work with her on it. She decided to take a break a little over a week ago because she was so confused as to why all of this was happening. After her break, she decided to end our relationship telling me that the major reason why was because she was confused and her doubts were big enough to end it. She told me that she wasn’t sure if our relationship was growing at all and feared that it had become stagnant, not really leading anywhere. Throughout our relationship we constantly discussed marriage and children for our future. She was always sure that she wanted that, and I had my doubts. However, we were both on the same page that the moment wasn’t ready for that and I always told her that I was open to the possibility. Before she made the decision to end our relationship, I let her know that I was willing to change myself for her and willing to give her everything she wants and needs (including a family) if that’s what she wanted. I love her so much and I know she still loves me. But she may not be in love with me anymore. I don’t know whether to fight for her, move on, or give her time. I want to trust in God but it’s difficult when there’s confusion on her part. We both feel like God put us in each other’s lives to be happy. I don’t know how to proceed with my life while I still love her. I don’t know if I should fight for us or respect her decision to break up even though she wasn’t 100 percent sure that’s what she wanted. 5.5 years of being together cannot just end like this. Maybe I need to let go.
 
FelixFelicis said:
I don’t know if I should fight for us or respect her decision to break up even though she wasn’t 100 percent sure that’s what she wanted. 5.5 years of being together cannot just end like this. Maybe I need to let go.
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You should respect her decision.

It sounds like you told her several times that you just weren’t ready for marriage, and her feelings that the relationship was “stagnant” may be part of that. It doesn’t sound like it was going anywhere, despite being together for so long. Maybe I am reading this wrong, but from what I can gather you were only willing to start a life and family with her right before she ended the relationship.

It’s hard, but respect her decision and let her move on.

Just a note- in future relationships, if you are attracted to someone else there is no need to make that known unless you are planning on acting on that or ending the relationship. It’s pretty much a given that both partners are going to be attracted to other people. Highlighting that is unnecessary and not wise.
 
Let her go. You are on different pages with what you both want, and she recognised that (hence the 'stagnant comment). If you weren’t on the same page after 5.5 years, she’s right to find someone who is.
Clementine14 said:
Just a note- in future relationships, if you are attracted to someone else there is no need to make that known unless you are planning on acting on that or ending the relationship. It’s pretty much a given that both partners are going to be attracted to other people. Highlighting that is unnecessary and not wise.
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I agree with this, and all of @Clementine14’s post.
 
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Sounds to me like she came to her senses, you should follow suit. Five and half years and not married or even engaged. Doesn’t even sound like it was seriously being considered until she ended it. Time to move on. The “fish or cut bait” moment came and went a long time ago, you guys just didn’t realize it.

And now you learned something for your next relationship, if you find someone worth being with, man up and make a commitment.
 
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I’m with evryone else on this. You guys were together 5.5 years. You confessed feelings for someone else and she did the same. Based on what I’ve read…you guys weren’t that serious.

Every relationship is different but if it were me…I would have been totally devastated if my husband had confessed feelings for someone else while we dated and would have wanted to take a break right then and there. I also would have been really mad if we had made it that far with no engagement in sight.

I was upset that my husband waited until the 3 year make to propose. I wanted to get married and have kids and I wasnt going to sit around waiting for that to happen eventually.

I’m all for longer relationships and longer engagements to work out issues and get a true picture of what you are getting into before you can’t turn back…but even I couldn’t wait that long.
 
That’s sad, because you seems very compatible.
But are your plans matchs?

It’s hard to advise here…
What would you want to do yourself?

Think of what you want with your girlfriend.
Do you want to marry her? Are you ready to get engaged? Yo envisionned future? Do you want to spend the rest of our life with her?

If yes, it is your last chance to let her known it and perhaps win her again.
 
It sounds as if you got the idea of being ‘in love’ and being ‘comfortable’ a bit mixed up. Probably, your gf did for a while, too. That’s why it took so long for her to break up with you.

The relationship was indeed stagnant. It probably didn’t occur for either of you to end it, until your gf realized that waiting too long would mean never having a family of her own. And you only agreed when you realized that this comfortable situation was about to end!

Give yourself time to get over your hurt. And, to ask yourself how important the issues of companionship, family, and just moving through life are to you! You can do some things to please someone you care for. But…you should not get married until you are ready! I’m sorry that you are hurting. But, there is such a thing as too much comfort, when the people involved have different things in mind for the future. Be glad that you weren’t coerced into marriage. That can be a disaster that’s not easy to rectify!
 
FelixFelicis said:
She told me that she wasn’t sure if our relationship was growing at all and feared that it had become stagnant, not really leading anywhere. Throughout our relationship we constantly discussed marriage and children for our future.
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Sounds very much like she was holding out for a proposal or for you to make that move and she got tired of waiting. She probably expected it by now but didn’t want to pressure you. 5 years is a long time if you want a proposal.

It’s possible that she’d come back if you were willing to make a commitment. Equally possible that you’ll have to let this go.
 
Lou2U said:
Let her go. You are on different pages with what you both want, and she recognised that (hence the 'stagnant comment). If you weren’t on the same page after 5.5 years, she’s right to find someone who is.
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I agree with this. I was once in a relationship where we went out for a while and eventually broke up. Looking back now it seems so obvious that we wanted totally different things out of life. She wanted to travel and hang around Europe volunteering for various organisations. I wanted a stable career and a wife and 2.5 kids. I eventually met my perfect match and got what I wanted and I can only assume that she did too.

Hindsight is a great thing. My prediction is that you’ll feel very different about this in ten years than you do now.
 
EXACTLY.

For adults, if the relationship is not to where you are making marriage plans after a full year of dating, I would advise my sister/friend that the relationship was moving toward perpetual “girlfriend” space.

Don’t string a lady along for 5.5 years!
 
I agree with you with the probable consequence of dating so long.

However if you find your spouse when you are still a student, 10 years can be spend before having a situation where you are able to marry, professionally or economically. It is very common, not an exception.
 
Hey, bro! I’m going to chime in and make sure you get some male advice too. Girl advice is wonderful, and you should hoard it, but you also need a male POV for balance.

So first thing first. Sucks to be you at this time. Your situation is none to be envied, and it’s only natural that you’re going to feel bad for a long while. But you’re still a great guy, and just because the two of you weren’t on the same page doesn’t mean she did right and you did wrong, doesn’t mean you made a mistake or failed.

For starters, you have just as much of a right to have your own expectations in life, your own timing, etc., as a girl. As a man you’ll want to put your girl first, naturally, but that’s a different thing.

If that’s any consolation, your gal probably cared for you — or else she wouldn’t have waited 5.5 years — but it’s also possible that what you had was a bit more of a romantic friendship, highschool-/college-style, some of which progress into relationships and marriages, and some don’t. At that stage in life friendships could still look that way and be quite confusing, unlike most friendships that will occur when you’re older.
 
Next, people who are similar to the point of feeling like soulmates aren’t necessarily best fits for a relationship or marriage. For example the closest thing I have to a female version of me, and the closest I am to being a male version of someone, is with my dear sister, and not with any girlfriend. Being similar is neither necessary nor sufficient. This is also saying that you didn’t necessarily waste your chance of a lifetime, etc.

What I can see is you’re probably more sentimental than she is. And that is not necessarily a bad thing, though it feels awkward what the man is the more romantic and the woman the more pragmatic partner. But chances are she made the best rational decision for the two of you.

But also chances are she simply acted in her own best interest (not that she didn’t have the right to), and you need to learn to expect that from women. By this I mean from people in general, but it’s important to know that women don’t necessarily follow codes of conduct that men regard as natural.

Either way, you won’t know. You need to learn to live without knowing. But it’s possible. Just like with the general grieving over your loss, avoid turning circumstance into choice and don’t allow your sadness to develop into a self-chosen depression. Hang out with friends, pursue your hobbies, hang out with people, do good deeds, help out at charities and good causes, eat healthy, work out, burn energy, sleep well, etc. No wallowing in anything that is wallowable.
 
You also need to get your confidence back — unfortunately, you lost a lot of it during the relationship — and for that I suggest seeing a counsellor (don’t dread the word, the guy’s there to help, like a coach or something) right away. As a man, confidence is central to your frame. And as a man, your frame is central to you and those around you. Don’t drive yourself too hard, but get it back soon.

Next, one thing you need to know about women is that while we guys focus on the mutual love, feelings and whatnot, women, who we are erroneously taught (in literature, cinema etc.) are the more romantic and touchy-feely sex, are in fact the more pragmatic sex when it comes to relationship. They will be the first to point out you can’t build a house on love or feed your children on it, for example. And they certainly won’t feel like all their needs are covered just because you’re in love with them.

They also have a bit of an obsession with movement, and this means moving forward or up. They do replace men with more promising material if they feel the promise is fading. By grizzled veterans, this is jokingly called the ‘burden of performance’ that a man must unfortunately carry in the eyes of women, however cruel that might feel from a man’s position. Your gal may in fact have been more on the soft side (no complaining about your job or degree or how you should get a better one and generally get things moving and more on track/better track in your life? if so, you were lucky, up to a point), but she still wanted the formal status of the relationship to progress.

In your later life, which has actually just started, you will in fact need to be somewhat careful because to them maid, matron and crone are stages in life, and they sometimes feel anxious to progress and are prone to losing sight of it for other things. You may thus experience even more pressure for formalizing your relationship with other girls than you did with your ex. And you will need to be very prudent in those decisions, by which I also mean to say they will to include prudent restraint (while actually under pressure to act). You know what they say, marry in haste, repent at leisure.
 
You need to understand women on one point. They have less time than you, in more than one way. They can’t really wait until 40 for their first child, and ideally that had better not be 35 either. It’s even better if it’s not 30. The degree of anxiety involved in this varies, though you should expect some by default, and even if there is none, it is only fair to have the utmost respect for a girl’s time once you get to a certain age. And I’d say any age that’s past 25 anyway. You are you, but she can only go through a finite number of boyfriends. It’s more finite, and the time passes quicker, than one would think.

So don’t allow them to push you around with the whole ‘stagnation’ thing, which is often code for becoming a more eligible bachelor for them, not that it ever stops after the wedding. (After the wedding, they expect you to keep working on becoming ever the more eligible husband; however, there is wisdom in what they, and they are actually helping you out — if they didn’t make you do that, they themselves would face a strong temptation to be attracted to and perhaps replace with men who deliver better in their opinion, so by the constant nagging you at least get a chance to stay in rather than out.) You will need to assert your boundaries and make sure the ship still has a captain. But do respect their time. That one is a legitimate need and concern. Think of a girl as your friend. Would you like your friend to risk her time running out, much of her all time but also her prime time? You wouldn’t. The same applies to that one friend called ‘girlfriend’.

As regards your girlfriend, maybe she will come back, maybe she won’t, but if she does, you still shouldn’t rush blindly to marriage, despite what I’ve just said. That still needs to be a free and prudent decision, and it had better be an enthusiastic one at that. If it’s more like ‘yeah, whatevs’, or lukewarm, then like it said, it may well be one of those romantic friendship where you experience a crush but it’s still not a marriage-headed relationship. What people frequently don’t understand until a bit older is that the mere existence of a romantic-sorta crush doesn’t mean there is an obligation to act on it. Also decide if you want that marriage, not just if she wants it.
 
As a man you should also probably have a bit more confidence in the marriage than the woman. Sometimes we ask them, they say yes, we think it’s okay because that’s what they wanted. At the same time, they regard themselves as having put their trust in us and in our trust in our idea of bringing the marriage about (ooops!). And that’s quite the perspective changer.

It’s also possible that if you don’t feel that kind of certainty about a girl or about getting married with her, then she isn’t the girl for you. By which I don’t mean ‘the one’ as in one-and-only soulmate etc., but I just mean to say the thing between you, or the thing in your head as a guy, isn’t strong enough to sustain the marriage, as it isn’t apparently strong enough to push you to make the move toward it. Which is okay, by the way, as long as you don’t/didn’t mislead the girl. (Misleading would include allowing a girl who was sugary into you to hang on for years out of inability to leave you, wasting her best years only to later hear you just don’t believe in the relationship and don’t want it to be for life. So be careful with that.)
I apologize if this all was tedious to read or unnecessary, but I didn’t have the time to stop and think about what to include and what to skip, I had to move very fast before running out of time. Godspeed!

EDIT: One more thing. Don’t really contact her first unless you’re on such a friendly footing that it’s expected of you. Avoid the temptation of asking, begging, repeating stuff over and over again — that won’t help. But if you do at some point become convinced that you do in fact want to marry that girl (as in it is really your desire and your choice and not just something you would reluctantly consent to do out of fear of losing her), then that will be a good time co contact her and be ardent, persistent and so on. But not otherwise. Generally girls come back if allowed to go but run away if pressured, though there are some situations in which you need to show continued interest and belief in the justice of the cause (I was born out of one those ;)).
 
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One more thing re: similarities. It’s good if your foundations are similar — religion, values, ethics, patriotism, to a lesser extent ethnicity, social background and so on, as well as (and this is often important) education level, and if your senses of humour are particularly compatible, but otherwise differences are quite refreshing. If you get a copy of you, you get a dude.

I don’t imply that you have such insecurities, but if you’re generally insecure about girls and a sense of kindred is something that makes it easier for you to come forward without fear of rejection or to try and trust a girl, then challenging that may be worth it. It may even be quite rewarding.

At this stage in my life I feel like turning everything upside down, ditching the old ways and just finding me a girl that’s different from everybody in my life, starting from myself. Which is also the advice my father gave me. Not that I’m suggesting it — I can’t without knowing you, as in personality, character, etc.
 
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