Advice for a big sinner

  • Thread starter Thread starter Marc74e
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

Marc74e

Guest
Ok, I’m not Catholic, heck i was raised Morman, but dont agree with thier views and once i left my parents house (joined the Marines) i have never returned to that faith. Well, approximately 3 years ago I cheated on my wife. It was not a releationship i had, but it was “just sex”. I was also doing the thing online thing. I had stopped all that about a year bfore she found out and since then we have been having a lot of fights about just about everything. I work 12 hours a day as a Police officer, commute an hour to work one way, and work nights/weekends due to money. We have 2 boys together. We fight about everything, i am truly sorry for what i have caused her, but she, rightfully, doesnt believe me. How do i get the trust back into our relationship. She has stated she is going to leave me and that i someting i dont want, but dont blame her for feeling this way. I love her with all my heart. I help out at home as much as i can, but my time is limited by work (15 hour workday)(only so many hours in the day). Any help would help.

Marc
 
Marc, I’m sorry for your difficult situation. The good thing is that so far your wife hasn’t left so there is still time, hopefully. However it sounds as if, with all the work you find that you need to do does make it difficult for you to be around much and it surely also impacts on your stress levels, which doesn’t help. If you could possibly not react in fight situations that would be great, but if nerves are stretched this can be difficult.

Trust once lost isn’t easily restored as you’ve found…on might suggest that you both might benefit with counselling and this could be true but given what long hours you work, probably time and fund would prevent you.

Difficult as it is, if you could persistently and quietly do the little things, you’re helping when you can, you said, but quietly bring her home a chocolate bar and other small thoughtful things. Perhaps give her a call from work, not to discuss anything in case that led to difficulties, but just a call to say you were thinking of her. Small gestures of appreciation and kindness do have the potential to gradually give a sense of being cherished…because of course, what your unfaithfulness as well as the porn said to her was that she wasn’t really loved or valued, she wasn’t ‘enough’. It isn’t just trust that is at issue. It is also her sense of being valued and loved.

The wounds may be very raw, especially as they have the salt of repeated conflicts to keep them open and stinging, but please God there is still time to give your wife back a sense of her preciousness, and to find peace for you both.

I’ll pray for you, Marc.
Take care of yourself,
Trishie
 
Marc, your job presents many opportunities to be unaccountable to your wife. Where you are and what you’re doing is a mystery to her. When you trust someone, you don’t worry about that. When the trust is broken, your imagination starts to fill in the blank spaces.

You need to be accountable to her that you are using the time when she can’t see you doing what you’re supposed to be doing and being faithful.

I know you see the bad side of people in your work and that also lends itself to a soul-destroying sense of the world.

You are battling powers and principalities at work. You work and breathe in evil. That has to take its toll when you come home.

I once saw a bumper sticker: No Christ, No Peace. Know Christ, Know Peace.

Maybe if you looked into what the Catholic Church teaches, you might find a set of teachings you could live with that would help your wife renew her trust in you. Begin praying with her. You need to show her there is something new and different and good about you that she can plan her future dreams on.

When YOU are dealing with perps, and you see the same guy over and over and he says he’s innocent and he’s changed, don’t you tend to doubt that? What would make you believe that guy had really changed and wanted to be a functioning member of society?

Prayer would change YOU, and help to lessen the fighting in the household. Your wife doesn’t want to fight. Trust me on this. No one does. It’s her way of trying to make you see the pain and the uncertainty she lives with. Try to replace it with healing and certitude. Ask her what she needs you to do to fix that trust and then do it. Good luck! And thank you for your past and present service to our country.

The stakes here are too high. You’ve seen too much what happens with boys who grow up without a father around. You don’t want that for your sons. You need to communicate this urgency to your wife and commit to marriage counseling and accountability. Show her a new side to you so you can fall in love again. Women can be convinced. That explains the ones who keep going back to abusers because they think they have “changed.” If you convince her real change has occurred in you, you can make it work. 👍
 
Hey Marc…semper fi from a retired Marine.
First thanks for your service to country and Corps…and continuing to serve the people in law enforcement.
Second…don’t feel like the “lone ranger” on this one…there is hope…both in Christ’s power to forgive and heal.
Third…you did not say if your wife is baptized…and is she…or has she practiced her faith?
Fourth…I recommend the following:-write a short letter/note to your wife…admitting to hurting her and asking for her forgiveness…professing your love for her…and your desire to work together with her to restore your marriage…at her pace and with her rules…you must show her that you will sacrifice for her…for her love and for her well being…her peace of mind and heart…and for your love of and the well-being of your children.
-if she is comfortable in/with any type of spiritual or devotional practice (attending church, reading the bible, praying)…tell her that you want to do something with her each day in this area…even if it is only five minutes of being together and lifting both your hearts and minds together to your heavenly Father…in Christ Jesus.

-lastly reflect on this scripture passage below…especially the highlighted parts…with your wife…speak with her about what she and you both want Jesus to do for you…verbalize it and discuss it…and when comfortable with what you want and she wants…then most importantly…go to a Catholic Church…(both of you together if at all possible)…sit/kneel in front of the tabernacle…and tell Jesus what you want him to do…I promise you that he will be looking at you and listening to you…and will be most pleased that you seek his help…and promise him (yourself and each other) that you will accept the way he wants to work this out in your life.
Mark 10:46-52 (English Standard Version)
​
Click to expand...

Jesus Heals Blind Bartimaeus
Click to expand...
46And they came to Jericho. And as he was leaving Jericho with his disciples and a great crowd, Bartimaeus, a blind beggar, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the roadside. 47And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” 48And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” 49And Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” And they called the blind man, saying to him,“Take heart. Get up; he is calling you.” 50And throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. 51And Jesus said to him, "What do you want me to do for you?" And the blind man said to him, “Rabbi, let me recover my sight.” 52And Jesus said to him, “Go your way; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him on the way.
Click to expand...
Semper fi…Pax Christi
 
Marc74e said:
Ok, I’m not Catholic, heck i was raised Morman, but dont agree with thier views and once i left my parents house (joined the Marines) i have never returned to that faith. Well, approximately 3 years ago I cheated on my wife. It was not a releationship i had, but it was “just sex”. I was also doing the thing online thing. I had stopped all that about a year bfore she found out and since then we have been having a lot of fights about just about everything. I work 12 hours a day as a Police officer, commute an hour to work one way, and work nights/weekends due to money. We have 2 boys together. We fight about everything, i am truly sorry for what i have caused her, but she, rightfully, doesnt believe me. How do i get the trust back into our relationship. She has stated she is going to leave me and that i someting i dont want, but dont blame her for feeling this way. I love her with all my heart. I help out at home as much as i can, but my time is limited by work (15 hour workday)(only so many hours in the day). Any help would help.

Marc
Click to expand...
Remember that it takes two people to fight. While you may feel you need to defend yourself, sometimes it’s better to just listen and not engage in an argument. Easier said than done…but it’s something that must be done.

Your work situation makes it difficult, and I have to ask, are you using work to escape or evade the situation at home? I only ask as I’ve done that very thing myself.

To her, it wasn’t just sex. You rejected her very being. That’s sometimes hard for us men to understand as we tend to view our bodies differently. Start doing something nice for your wife, every day. It can be the smallest thing. Don’t be surprised if she rejects your efforts at first. Don’t show your anger. Keep persisting.

You’re going to go through a lot of pain. That rejection you feel is the same kind of rejection Christ felt. If you turn to him, he will help you…he will forgive you…in fact, he’s probably helping you right now, but I’ll save the sermon for another time. Just keep showing more love to your wife than anger.

For what it’s worth…I’ll pray for you at mass, today.
 
My wife was raised methodist, but is not practicing. We have discussed going to a catholic church but I am more of the interested one. I am going at her speed but she goes from loving and caring to crying n bed at nigh, esp when she watches movies or listening to love songs. It kills me inside that I have caused her this pain and sometimes wishes she would leave me and end her suffering, but I am to selfish and love her to much to let her go. Ty for all your relpies…Marc
 
One other thing, Marc…if you haven’t done so already…suggest to her marriage counseling…and you be the one to find the counselor and make the appointments. Often it takes professional help to work through this kind of violation of trust. Your guilt is understandable and reasonable; however, don’t let it impede you from making forward progress. The past no longer exists. It’s gone, forever. A lot of times our guilt makes us try to keep the past alive as we deal with our hurt. Focus on this day…this moment. What can you do for your marriage…for your wife…right now. You can’t undo what you did, but you can build with what you have in the present.
 
Marc…

My husband of 18 years did this to me. It hurt… it still hurts. He left me for the other woman.

I was reading the advice given… and I kept asking myself would this have worked in my mariage? and it would have.
For me… it was the betrayal… that our family meant nothing… all that we had been through… our son our little life together meant NOTHING. I meant nothing. I was worthless and everything I held dear was a lie.
Please take the advice given… its good.

I will pray for you , your wife and your kids.

God Bless you!
 
Hey Marc, sorry to hear the problems and pain in your marriage. You mentioned money, so I just thought I’d tell you what me and my wife have been doing. We joined a class called Financial Peace University. It is 2 hours every Sunday. 3 months ago I was paying more bills than I could bring in money. Now, I’ve paid off 6 grand in debt and me and my wife get to spend valuable time togethor.
 
Hi Marc,

I was in your wife’s position, unfortunately, after 5 years I did end up leaving because my ex just could not be honest. He was having an affair with a person he worked with (there was more then one person and more than one time). We tried counseling but he would not be honest. His job was a big problem because he never had to be accountable for where he was and the affairs took place while “at work”.

I would suggest you consider if your job is more important than your marriage. And if you really want things to be worked out to be totally honest and not try to hide anything from her. You will first need to be brutally honest with yourself and own your actions with no excuses. An affair is the ultimate betrayal in a a marriage and if you are serious about working things out it will show in your actions.

Good luck.
 
First of all Marc74e:

You don’t love your wife with all your heart…in fact, you just condemned yourself “I am to selfish and love her to much to let her go.” True love will let someone go when they want to.

First of all I think you need to get right with God, and love him with your heart…only then will true reconciliation be possible.

jrsmith
 
Offer up your suffering and trials to Jesus for the virtue of patience. Like: “Jesus, I offer this to You for patience. Amen.”
 
Ahhh… she likes music.

You need to give her some new songs that are YOUR songs.

May I make a few suggestions. You can find them on Limewire and download them. Make her a CD. Light some candles, pour a glass of wine and you just sit down and hold her and listen to the music.

Here’s a few that may touch a wounded woman’s heart. I’m sure you could think of a few others:

The Story of My Life Neil Diamond

Perhaps Love Placido Domingo/John Denver

It’s All Coming Back to Me Now Celine Dion

Hero Enrique Iglesias

…you get the message. Find new music that is for YOU TWO. Only you can replace her hurt with hope. It won’t happen in a day or a week. Trust is a fortress that is built one brick at a time. It only takes one well-placed RPG to reduce it to rubble. Then you have to begin rebuilding… one brick at a time.

When she is fighting, you got some good advice from another poster. It takes two to fight. When she is crying and raging, she’s in pain. Don’t argue with her. Take it in silence. Just look at her and tell her how sorry you are. Ask her what you can do to fix it. Tell her she is worth fighting for.

Think what it would take for you to forgive her if the tables were turned. Get professional counselling. You need to show her you “get it.” Part of “getting it” is do you want to be a role model for your sons to treat wives like that someday? Your wife signed on for a hard and scary life. First the wife of a Marine. Now a police officer. She has the stress of wondering if you’ll come home every evening or not.

Ask her if she’s crying if she wants you to hold her. Tell her you’re there and you’re never leaving again.

Have you asked her forgiveness? Have you said the words, “Do you forgive me? Please forgive me.” What did she say? Sometimes it takes time to be able to do that. You don’t say how long ago she found out or how. Did someone “helpfully tell her?” The fact that you had ended it on your own and had stopped that behavior actually should work in your favor. Some wives have to deal with the fact that the only reason their husbands stopped was because they got caught.

You need to start courting her again. Making her realize she has value. And for two reasons: She is your wife, and she is the precious mother of your children. And that the family unit is important to you. You need to find time to do things as a family. Play with the boys and hold her hand. When she lets go and glares, smile at her and say you’re going to keep trying because you love her. Don’t make it all serious and dramatic. Find time to laugh. Dance with her in the middle of the kitchen at night. Bring her flowers at the end of the day. Tell her you were thinking about her. Little things really do mean a lot.

Sir, the fact she still cries over it is a hopeful sign. Worry when the woman doesn’t cry anymore. She still cares. You still have the ability to hurt her, and that scares her.

Please, get joint marriage counselling. She needs to see that YOU consider this important and that you wouldn’t want anyone besides her. Ever.

The other poster was absolutely correct. It was just sex to you. But to her, it was a rejection of her whole self. You went out for beer when you had champagne at home.

I really hope for all of your sakes that you can find a way to reach her and make this work. So seldom do I see men who truly seem sorry and don’t start off blaming the wife for the infidelity. She thought you were a Semper Fidelis kind of guy. You have to earn that reputation back.

Maybe with a counselor in a controlled situation you can find a way to communicate that by straying you really found out the grass will never be greener and there will never be anyone as good as her. You know that now and that’s why you stopped.

Good luck. Keep us posted. Your kids need you both.

Have YOU TWO watched “Fireproof” together? Maybe it would help in this situation.

Don’t wish she would leave you. It really wouldn’t end her suffering. It would just change it, and add to your children’s pain. The fact that she has the ability to be loving and caring is very hopeful. You need to make days where there is more of that than the crying.

And let her see your tears… the tears of real remorse and sorrow.

And pray with her. Bring God into it. He makes all things new. I also think you two would be good candidates for Retrouvaille. You don’t have to be Catholic to do this weekend retreat. It’s led by couples who have been at the brink of divorce for couples to help them back away from the brink. I’m sure someone here has a link, or you can google it.
 
retrouvaille.org/

Click on the above link. This could seriously save your marriage. It saved mine. You don’t have to be Catholic to go either.

Ditto on the Fireproof
Also here is the book that is mentioned in the movie
bhpublishinggroup.com/lovedare/book.html

Music is also actually a good suggestion as trite as it sounds. My husband made me a tape once (tells you how long ago that was), and it really brought some healing. Hard to Say I’m Sorry by Chicago was one of the songs on there that comes to mind.

You need to look for outside sources, professional help. When we are sick we go to the doctor because they have knowledge we do not. Your marriage is unhealthy and you need someone trained to help you heal it.

It goes without saying you should be on your knees regularly asking God for his help.
 
This thread has brought tears to my eyes! So many wonderful, thoughtful replies and ideas!

I also third Fireproof. Its a wonderful Christian movie.

I will pray for you and your wife!

And ditto a pp, thank you for serving us. I’m from a family of Marines and police officers. Semper Fi.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top