Advice for Facing a Divorce

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I hope this is the right place to ask this…I’m a somewhat recent “revert” to the Catholic faith. Given the seriousness with which I have approached finally learning my faith, I’m extrememly upset about a situation with a close family member. About a week ago I got a hint that something was very wrong in their marriage (two Catholics with 4 young children). I wasn’t sure if it was just something that would “blow-over,” or something more serious. Well I found out today that it’s indeed serious, and I may have been given this information well after the fact, when the end of the marriage seems inevitable.

Here’s the problem/question: Another close family member started saying “I am going to contact the diocese about getting a lawyer…” I thought they were going to say “marriage counceling.” I was shocked. I can’t go into all the details, but I will say that there seems to be no sense of the seriousness of a Catholic getting a divorce, ie never being able to marry again. These other family members are also Catholic, but I’ll just say they’re not very orthodox Catholics. They will argue with me over issues like women in the Priesthood, the use of general confession, the seriousness of receiving the Eucharist while not in a state of grace, etc. So this maybe should not be surprising. But I just can’t believe there’s no mention of the seriousness of divorce? There seeme to already be an acceptance of “well maybe it’s better for everyone of they just go their separate ways.”

I want to stand up and say something, but it seems that maybe I should first and foremost be there to comfort this person befores “correcting” the serious lapses in Catholic theology?? How can I convey the message of “you realize you either can’t get married again, or can’t stay in the Church,” while still being there to comfort them during this horrible time? Am I looking at this correctly? Thanks
 
Very sad to hear, especially for the small children’s sake. Your best bet is to encourage your family member to seek counseling through their parish priest and offer to pray for everyone involved. That is the best way to be supportive.
 
I have heard from other people who got divorced and wish they didn’t that they wish someone had encouraged them to keep their marriage together. There are so many people that try and show their sympathy by encouraging divorce, when that is often (but not always) the worst solution.
 
I pray that God enlightens everyone involved in this very serious matter. I pray for the children that they may be comforted. May they always know and feel the love of their family.
 
MotoCatholic said:
I hope this is the right place to ask this…I’m a somewhat recent “revert” to the Catholic faith. Given the seriousness with which I have approached finally learning my faith, I’m extrememly upset about a situation with a close family member. About a week ago I got a hint that something was very wrong in their marriage (two Catholics with 4 young children). I wasn’t sure if it was just something that would “blow-over,” or something more serious. Well I found out today that it’s indeed serious, and I may have been given this information well after the fact, when the end of the marriage seems inevitable.

Here’s the problem/question: Another close family member started saying “I am going to contact the diocese about getting a lawyer…” I thought they were going to say “marriage counceling.” I was shocked. I can’t go into all the details, but I will say that there seems to be no sense of the seriousness of a Catholic getting a divorce, ie never being able to marry again. These other family members are also Catholic, but I’ll just say they’re not very orthodox Catholics. They will argue with me over issues like women in the Priesthood, the use of general confession, the seriousness of receiving the Eucharist while not in a state of grace, etc. So this maybe should not be surprising. But I just can’t believe there’s no mention of the seriousness of divorce? There seeme to already be an acceptance of “well maybe it’s better for everyone of they just go their separate ways.”

I want to stand up and say something, but it seems that maybe I should first and foremost be there to comfort this person befores “correcting” the serious lapses in Catholic theology?? How can I convey the message of “you realize you either can’t get married again, or can’t stay in the Church,” while still being there to comfort them during this horrible time? Am I looking at this correctly? Thanks
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Other than your notion that either of them must leave the Church, you’re spot on. Neither of them must or should leave the Church, even if they divorce. But they cannot remarry without an annulment. Well, they CAN, but then they are in mortal sin, and committing adultery. And if their vows were valid when they married, they wouldn’t be granted an annulment. No one knows that until they put their case before the tribunal.

Do you know for a fact that there is no abuse or adultery going on? Maybe things are a lot worse than you know…There are situations where a Catholic couple should at least separate and get counseling. Maybe this is one of those cases where one of the parties isn’t safe in the marriage.

Don’t expect to be thanked if you do advise them. A lot of Catholics have not learned what the Church really teaches, and if they do learn, they decide that it’s the Church that is wrong and the world or society is right. They are “cultural Catholics,” have gone through the motions of being baptized, first Communion, etc. but not properly catechized at all. They have never accepted the truth of the Church nor ever really submitted their own wills to the will of God through His Holy Church.

You will be on the outside of your family if you state the truth to them. I would bet my home on that. I think you should, if an occasion arises, explain the truth but just be prepared to have everyone jump on your rear end and defend the divorcing couple.

You need to do it with love and not coming from a point of sanctimony, though.
 
Thanks everyone. TRJ-I honestly don’t think there is either adultry or physical abuse. I specisfically asked that, and got an answer from someone I trust. But, even close relatives may never know? And I guess I made the “leave the church” comment more as a response to what I’ve seen other Catholics do: divorce, remary, leave the church - more of an end result than a precondition.

And probably shame on me for this, but I’m a little more apprehensive about this because I have only recently begun to “discuss” with them things like non-Catholic family memebers being urged to go to communion when occassionally at Mass, their belief that general confession is always a substitute for normal reconcilliation (I had never even heard of general confession in a Catholic church), and many more. I’ve discussed, sent web links, and offered book suggestions. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that for now, my advances are not completely welcome. So for me to come out now and be overtly worried about the seriousness of breaking the vowes of marriage may be taken very badly? Not that the consequences of defending truth should matter…

My immediate family is certainly praying. I’m seeking the advice of our Parish Priest today. Hopefully I can report some positive news in the very near future. Thanks
 
MotoCatholic said:
Thanks everyone. TRJ-I honestly don’t think there is either adultry or physical abuse. I specisfically asked that, and got an answer from someone I trust. But, even close relatives may never know? And I guess I made the “leave the church” comment more as a response to what I’ve seen other Catholics do: divorce, remary, leave the church - more of an end result than a precondition.

And probably shame on me for this, but I’m a little more apprehensive about this because I have only recently begun to “discuss” with them things like non-Catholic family memebers being urged to go to communion when occassionally at Mass, their belief that general confession is always a substitute for normal reconcilliation (I had never even heard of general confession in a Catholic church), and many more. I’ve discussed, sent web links, and offered book suggestions. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that for now, my advances are not completely welcome. So for me to come out now and be overtly worried about the seriousness of breaking the vowes of marriage may be taken very badly? Not that the consequences of defending truth should matter…

My immediate family is certainly praying. I’m seeking the advice of our Parish Priest today. Hopefully I can report some positive news in the very near future. Thanks
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Yep, you’re in a tough position. Of course your new and exciting information isn’t comfortable for them. I shock my husband all the time, when I explain what the Church really stands for and against. At least my sons aren’t surprised, which tells me that maybe they really have gotten some of the teaching over the years. The Church has gotten quite lax over the years since Vatican II, with many Catholics barely catechized at all, or even taught heresy instead of the truth. And the truth is hard to deal with, as we see when the apostles leave Jesus after He tells them that if they don’t eat His flesh and drink His blood, they have no life within them.

Pray for them. Talk to them when you can, gently and with love and charity. They likely don’t know any better.

(Oh, and as for “general confession,” we do an act of contrition within each Mass, but that is only supposed to cover our venial sins that are unconfessed, not absolve our mortals. Confession is a sacrament that we should all partake of often.)
 
(Oh, and as for “general confession,” we do an act of contrition within each Mass, but that is only supposed to cover our venial sins that are unconfessed, not absolve our mortals. Confession is a sacrament that we should all partake of often.)

That makes perfect sense, but (and I need to get to the bottom of this) they have suggested more than once that the whole congregation participates in a “general confession,” as a direct and valid substitute for individual confession to a Priest. They were surprised that I even thought this was not common practice? I talked to our Priest, and realized that general confession was reserved for very strict situations where “normal” cofession was not possible - wartime situations, etc. I’ve sent them some specific and concise documets from the Vatican, and my sense is that they’re still not buying it. They actually said something like “well you just live in a more conservative area…” Very upsetting.
 
MotoCatholic said:
I want to stand up and say something, but it seems that maybe I should first and foremost be there to comfort this person befores “correcting” the serious lapses in Catholic theology?? How can I convey the message of “you realize you either can’t get married again, or can’t stay in the Church,” while still being there to comfort them during this horrible time? Am I looking at this correctly? Thanks
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First, divorced Catholics can absolutely stay in the Church. Just wanted to get that out there.

My :twocents:, be a neutral listening ear for the parties involved. Strongly recommend counseling for everyone, adults and children. Pray like crazy for the family facing this awful situation. If you hear blatant inaccuracies about Catholic teaching, correct gently and refer them to their priest if they argue with you. Either that or get them an inexpensive copy of the CCC for their perusal. It’s unwise for amateur theologians/apologists to get into wrestling matches over Church teachings, especially with our family. We don’t always get everything correct for one thing (refer back to the divorced Catholics can’t stay in the Church thinking). None of us can speak from a position of authority (unless we’re priests, deacons, bishops, etc.), and such arguments - even if we “win” them - rarely engender positive feelings for either us or Catholicism.

As far as the reasons for the divorce, bitter life experience has taught me that third parties should stay out of that nest of byzantine intrigue. Believe me, I know it’s tempting to try to get the “whole story,” figure out who cheated on whom or how much and what kind of abuse was going on, who said what and when, stand as judge and jury for the guilty party, and become an avenging angel for the innocent spouse. But in real life there’s never a completely innocent or completely guilty party to an imploding marriage. And if you poke around in it long enough eventually you’re going to get attacked and become the bad guy. It happened to me when I acted the fool and tried to help a friend’s failing marriage. And my mother-in-law destroyed her relationship with her brother and her niece (brother’s daughter) when she become overly involved in the niece’s failing marriage.

I am sorry your family if going through this. Divorce is horrible for everyone.

Luna
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
First, divorced Catholics can absolutely stay in the Church. Just wanted to get that out there.

My :twocents:, be a neutral listening ear for the parties involved. Strongly recommend counseling for everyone, adults and children. Pray like crazy for the family facing this awful situation. If you hear blatant inaccuracies about Catholic teaching, correct gently and refer them to their priest if they argue with you. Either that or get them an inexpensive copy of the CCC for their perusal. It’s unwise for amateur theologians/apologists to get into wrestling matches over Church teachings, especially with our family. We don’t always get everything correct for one thing (refer back to the divorced Catholics can’t stay in the Church thinking). None of us can speak from a position of authority (unless we’re priests, deacons, bishops, etc.), and such arguments - even if we “win” them - rarely engender positive feelings for either us or Catholicism.

As far as the reasons for the divorce, bitter life experience has taught me that third parties should stay out of that nest of byzantine intrigue. Believe me, I know it’s tempting to try to get the “whole story,” figure out who cheated on whom or how much and what kind of abuse was going on, who said what and when, stand as judge and jury for the guilty party, and become an avenging angel for the innocent spouse. But in real life there’s never a completely innocent or completely guilty party to an imploding marriage. And if you poke around in it long enough eventually you’re going to get attacked and become the bad guy. It happened to me when I acted the fool and tried to help a friend’s failing marriage. And my mother-in-law destroyed her relationship with her brother and her niece (brother’s daughter) when she become overly involved in the niece’s failing marriage.

I am sorry your family if going through this. Divorce is horrible for everyone.

Luna
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I will admit to a very pronounced lack of objectivity on this subject insofar as I am presently in the “end of the beginning” phase of a divorce that I wanted no part of whatsoever (my decree was final one month ago), but I will offer both agreement and an alternative view on a couple of Luna’s points:

While I recognize that intervening in the difficulties of another marriage is fraught with peril, there is, in my estimation some basis for doing in the vein of fraternal correction and the recognition that a sacramental marriage is not just between two people. It is a (and arguably the) foundational element of society and its success/failure impinges on everyone. We are called to speak the truth, even if it makes us the bad guy.

I would also disagree with the assertion that failed marriages are always the product of both parties’ actions or inactions. This is just cover for a lot of sinning on the part of abandoning spouses.

Divorce is horrible, and I suspect that in the vast, vast majority of situations, it is neither licit nor a true solution.
 
Thanks again for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m still new to this, and it’s amazing to me that anyone cares enough to take time to post responses!

I talked to our parish Priest today at lunch. He offered up some online resources that I will send to another, closer-to-the-situation family memnber. We’ll talk about it, and then hopefully send the resources directly to our loved ones embroiled in this mess. That seems like a good way to start. I hope it’s not too late? If I’ve been “let-in” on this problem as far down the road as I think, any sort of self-motivated study or counseling may be completely out of the question. Thanks to all.
 
And just to clarify: I do understand that divorced Catholics don’t have to leave the Church (I was a little sloppy in the original post). I’m more concerned that they realize re-marriage is not possible (I’m assuming that an annulment is out of the question), and the only option is to simply leave the Church, possibly live in sin, and get re-married somewhere else. Unfortunately I’ve seen this very thing happen to Catholic friends before. This is such a tragic issue.

Moto
 
MotoCatholic said:
Thanks again for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m still new to this, and it’s amazing to me that anyone cares enough to take time to post responses!

I talked to our parish Priest today at lunch. He offered up some online resources that I will send to another, closer-to-the-situation family member. We’ll talk about it, and then hopefully send the resources directly to our loved ones embroiled in this mess. That seems like a good way to start. I hope it’s not too late? ** If I’ve been “let-in” on this problem as far down the road as I think, any sort of self-motivated study or counseling may be completely out of the question.** Thanks to all.
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You just never know. Pray for them. Sometimes people get to the edge of the precipice, and they look over the edge, and decide to run back in the other direction.

I think your approach is just right.

👍
 
Well you can tell them politely and with love what the Catholic teaching says, but remember, no good deed ever goes unpunished 🙂
 
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