Advice for financial issue

[perpetua2017]

I have been struggling to understand my mother. She is over 70 and she is so controlling. She doesn’t leave me alone. I had some money that belong to my aunt. The bank closed my account because of fraudalent activities. A third party took the money it was over a thousand dollars. My mother is still giving me a hard time about it. I am sick and tired of her not being supportive. She asking to see papers and the closed account statements. I can’t get the money back. I can only try to go to small claims court and it’s not guaranteed I win the case. She knows I am struggling to pay my bills right now. She is obsessing about money that doesn’t belong to her. It’s between me and my aunt. I will try to get a loan if I have to so I can pay my aunt back. I just need some advice because I don’t know what to do with my mother. Please send prayers and advice. God Bless You.

 

[PJH_74]

I’m not quite sure about the mechanics at work here. Someone else committed fraud against you? Then you have a police report to fill out and I would believe the bank owes you some help at least with providing records of the transactions. Do you know this third party? Was it someone who had legal access to your account? If this person had legal access, then there is really no crime committed as that person had right to that money.

As for your mother, you need a boundary. If she brings this up on the phone, politely inform her you do not wish to discuss this and hang up. If you are at her house leave, if she is at yours withdraw from the conversation and maybe inform her she is not welcome until she backs off. I’m quite sure there is a long history of this behavior. This issue is between you, your aunt, the bank, and whatever 3rd party you are talking about. Talk to your aunt about the money before taking out a loan.

As an aside, if anyone “loans” money to a friend or family member, have the understanding that this is a gift you don’t necessarily need the recipient to pay back and that this is money you can afford to lose otherwise it can damage your relationship.

 

[perpetua2017]

The bank has informed me there is nothing I can do because it happened nearly a year ago. The third party was creditor. They saw I had money in my bank and they took it. I can’t find any information any more. It’s so complicated. I just need to talk to my aunt privately without my mother interfering. But my mother wants to come with me when I talk to my aunt. She saying that because she vouch for me it’s like it’s about her and not about me. I wish she would let me handle this on my own.

 

[Lou2U]

I wish she would let me handle this on my own.

My advice, then, is that you stop keeping your mother informed of when you’re going to speak to your aunt and stop discussing the subject with her.

May I ask if you live with her? You posted some time back that she wouldn’t let you get a driver’s license. I hope that you have been able to do so.

 

[midori]

Did you give someone autodraft privileges? Like for rent, for a car, for furniture, for a bill?

Did you have a legal judgment against you? Like, you didn’t pay someone for something, and they took you to court, and the judge gave them permission to garnish your account?

How did your aunt’s money get in your bank account in the first place?

If you’re living close enough to the edge that you have trouble paying your bills, how did you lose $1,000 and not notice its absence for a year?

Your mom is presumably aware of them— so it seems that her biggest sin at the moment is continuing to rub it in and pester you as to how you plan on repairing the situation, and you’re stressed by everything else that’s going on in the circumstances. But we don’t know enough details to be able to comprehend the full picture ourselves and offer the proper advice.

 

[PJH_74]

The third party was creditor. They saw I had money in my bank and they took it.

That’s almost certainly legit, especially if they had a judgement against you. Sorry about that one. You are right, it’s between you and your aunt. Are they sisters? There maybe some sibling thing going on here too; especially if this is not normal for your mother. However I’m fairly positive this is par for the course with your mom.

This is not about you, it is about her. You are in control, set the time and place with your aunt independently. You’ve been more than accommodating to her. She has no right to shame you and the honest, responsible, and sincere person I read you to be is feeling plenty of shame around finances already. I don’t know what your specific situation is, she might think she is helping you but it seems she is only stirring up doubt in you. She’s failing to give you a chance to fail if you need to and she’s stealing your sense of pride in righting your own ship if necessary. God loves you, you are worth being loved, you are a strong person inside; claim what is yours when it comes to your relationship with your mother. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it will be OK, it will.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

I would tell your mom to butt out, and if she doesn’t, then stop talking to her.

It’s obviously causing you an extreme amount of stress, in addition to your financial woes. Honoring your mother and father doesn’t mean you have to let them make your life more difficult, especially if you’re an adult.

As for the financial side of things, I would check out Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover.” My wife and I have been using his system, and we’ve paid off almost all our debt. He also has financial literacy courses and people who can help you work out deal with your creditors to establish a workable repayment schedule.

 

[PJH_74]

As for the financial side of things, I would check out Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover.” My wife and I have been using his system, and we’ve paid off almost all our debt. He also has financial literacy courses and people who can help you work out deal with your creditors to establish a workable repayment schedule.

I’ve used Dave (even taught the course twice) also and we managed to be debt free but our mortgage. Unfortunately our medical life and unemployment caught up with us. Fortunately we’ve been good savers. But, even though I have by all means a good job, an appropriate size mortgage, and zero car loans 4 surgeries this year alone plus a few before that and dietary issues have us on our heels somewhat budgetary wise. I only say this because Dave’s plan requires a good bit of financial stability to work in most instances or an ability to radically reduce expenses. We’ve been over our budget with our financial planner and there is nothing insane in our budget. It’s very different for someone who has a good salaried job to start behaving vs someone who, for example works more than 50-60 hours a week, at minimum wage just to make basic ends meet. So yes he has examples of people who pulled themselves out of such a situation, but the vast majority that make it are people like you and I.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

I know, but even if you are starting in a bad situation, having a plan and a budget to stick to is going to be world better than no plan and no budget.

I only have my student loans to pay off, which we’re hoping to have taken care up by next summer ^^.

 

[PJH_74]

I know, but even if you are starting in a bad situation, having a plan and a budget to stick to is going to be world better than no plan and no budget.

Indeed, but trying to accede to a standard that is difficult to attain for a person stuck in endless debt simply to survive can cause enough discouragement so as to be counter productive. A budget that can be upset by the stupidest incursion is virtually the same as none. This is the point where we need to understand as a nation that there are hard working people stuck on social dependence for the simple fact that any disturbance in their lives can turn into a tragedy. For example a simple parking ticket can escalate into an impoundment of a vehicle for the simple fact that they could not pay the original ticket. People in this situation often work long hours at a job that rewards tardiness or the inability to come in on a certain day with termination of employment. I personally sustained a layoff without cause for the simple reason that I had severance, access to maximum unemployment because of my previous salary, and savings I could rely on because of a decent salary.

 

[PetraG]

She’s over 70, so this makes you somewhere between…what? 30 and 50? Listening to the situation, I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that she is being controlling just by this one incident, but that is neither here nor there just now.

If you had money put into your “safekeeping” by a relative and you lost it for any reason, your mother could be hearing about it from other relatives or by her experience she might fear this is coming. Families do this; I think the therapists call it “triangulation” and I think some call it “alliance building.” It’s when you have a problem with one person and you call around to the members of the common group you belong to (like the family or the social circle) and you pre-emptively get everyone riled up on behalf of your side of a dispute. I’m sure you know the drill; everyone has seen this at least in grade school if nowhere else. Your mother may also fear that her sister (or sister-in-law, whichever this aunt is) is going to come after her for the money.

My advice would be this: Have your mother tell you specifically what her concern is about your issue with her sister/sister-in-law. Is it that she is embarrassed? Is it that she is afraid her sister/sister-in-law is going to lose money she can ill-afford to lose? Is it because she is afraid that the sister/sister-in-law is going to hit her up for the loss? Does she even know? You’re going to have an easier time with your mom if (a) you take the trouble to find out what is bothering her before telling her to leave you alone about it and then (b) you speak directly to her concerns BEFORE telling her that in the future her harping will serve no positive purpose.

As for the money, yes, do not “try” to get a loan. Get one. That’s an integrity issue.

In the larger picture, I’d suggest talking to someone professional if you can find it for free or what you can afford. Whether you can or not, take a look at books by Melodie Beattie, such as “The New Co-dependency.” Libraries usually have them. Don’t be put off by these being books about dealing with addiction. They’re really not. They’re books about drawing healthy boundaries when dealing with other people, especially people in our families, in ways that keep the ownership of problems where they belong.

Co-dependency is a term used to describe a relationship in which loved ones (the co-dependents) try to take some ownership of someone else’s addiction (the addict is the person with the dependence on a substance of abuse). Taking ownership of problems that aren’t yours instead of giving only appropriate support to other people as they deal (or do not deal) with their own problems isn’t appropriate and it doesn’t work. Melody Beattie’s books are about how to draw boundaries so that each person minds their own business. I get the feeling they would have practical value to you as you turn your relationship with your mother more into a relationship between adults. It is going to take time and you may be the only “convert,” but in the long run it will help you have a more peaceful outlook on your relationship with your mom.

 

[perpetua2017]

Thank you for the advice. It makes a lot of sense to me that was you are saying is true. I have seek advice from a financial advisor and his trying to help me. He didn’t charge for the first visit. He said he would charge me a low fee next I talk to him. I haven’t talk to my aunt about the money. But my mom has stopped talking to me about the money also. I think it’s a way of her controlling me. But I am trying to get help and I hope everything turns alright. God Bless you.

 

[CatholicSpirit]

I know a person on LinkedIn who wrote back to a post with their credentials mentioned and people have been hitting them left and right with offers.

Build on yourself, and if you have zero college, you can sign up for a semester and in financial aid, gain $1,000.

You can also get a CDL for free if you contact the company “Swift” and sign on with them for a year.