Advice for my sister-in-law

[katesmom]

Long story but mainly I want advice on on how to get my sister in law the help she needs.

She walked out on her sons & her husband 10 months ago. She is still married to my brother but is living with her boyfriend? I dont know for certain but I was told she is bipolar. Her behavior is strange & her boys are suffering. I could go on & on about her strange behaviour and lack of empathy for her family, but I want to help her. I honestly feel led to help her. Ive left her messages and told her told her the past is not an issue & I love her & will help her & support her? No response yet.

At first it seemed like rebellious behavior and that she wanted to party with her her new friends.

Fast forward several months & Ive learned that she is doing drugs (pot, vicoden, ecstasy)
I have not seen her, but my brother told me that she looks very ill and thin. Her jaw is sunked in and she is probably 20 lbs underweight. She was addicted to diet pills too, but I dont know? She rarely eats.

She came back to my brother & her sons last week to live but only stayed for a few days & walked out again. Her kids were begging her to stay but she told my brother she couldnt do it?

Can you please pray for her & our family. This girl needs help! I want her boys to have their Mommy around even if her & my brother cant reconcile. My entire family is fed up with her, but I really want to help her or give her resources to get herself help

Thank you

 

[EasterJoy]

Help your brother take care of the kids. Unless she comes to you, this poor woman is beyond anything you can do except pray for her. There is no way to drag her to redemption.

Your SIL not going to crawl out of this hole by herself, but she needs help far beyond what you have the resources to give. If she does come to you, insist that she get to a professional, help her to do that if she needs help to do that, and support your brother entirely if he makes getting that help a condition of any future contact between her and their kids. If you are called upon to do it, go to court and tell the unvarnished truth to the judge. The main thing is to protect the kids from their mom’s self-destruction.

 

[katesmom]

Thank you Easter Joy! Im heartbroken for my nephews. I understand that she has to come to this on her own but I was hopeful for some leverage to convince her to get help? She was with my brother for 16 years & her boys are 14 & 16. She is choosing herself over her kids?

I cannot even imagine the pain & confusion they must feel?

Thanks again for your reply

 

[hannajomar]

I agree with Easter Joy. It’s very likely that your help will be by way of standing in for your nephew’s mom when they need someone to make a Halloween costume, plan their birthday party, or need the tender love of a woman as they grow up.

How, specifically, do you imagine helping her? The only thing I really see that could help her is if you gave her a ride to rehab. It would be kind of you to keep lines of communication open if she ever decides if she wants true help. Other than that, there’s almost no chance that anything you do to help her will bare fruit. Aside from storming Heaven with prayers, there’s not really more you can do. Your family will be in my prayers. God Bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you Easter Joy! Im heartbroken for my nephews. I understand that she has to come to this on her own but I was hopeful for some leverage to convince her to get help? She was with my brother for 16 years & her boys are 14 & 16. She is choosing herself over her kids?

I cannot even imagine the pain & confusion they must feel?

Thanks again for your reply

I am very much ready to believe that she has a mental illness that mitigates her ability to choose freely. After all, none of the choices are making her happy. She’s making choices that could not only ruin the life of people around her, but shorten and embitter her own life is well. She is not thinking straight. That is why she is unlikely to come around by a loving rebuke of her sin, as would be the case of someone in full control of their moral faculties.

Ask your brother if you can help your nephews get to Alateen (which is Al-Anon for teens). It might help them to be with other youth whose parents are embroiled in similar addiction and mental health issues. They might need other counselling, as well. The job of coping with a parent such as you describe is not one to face without support and forewarning of the skills and firmness needed. Help them develop those in themselves, and you’ll do them a big favor.

Don’t forget your brother. If he is not getting counselling, going to Al-Anon meetings, or both, encourage him very strongly to do at least one of those. Al-Anon isn’t for everyone, but it does help a lot of people with the hard work of finding “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

If you don’t have the full text of the Serenity Prayer to give your brother, here it is:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

That might be a good daily prayer for this suffering little family.

 

[katesmom]

Thank you hannajomar. I guess I want to help her with getting herself help? Resources, drive her to her appointments or rehab?

Every woman her in life has abandoned her. Her mother, her cousins, my mother. Im the only one left that has reached out to her? She has built up so many walls & there are layers upon layers of a tough exterior. Ill continue to pray but the only way I will help her directly is if she agrees to rehab, treatment or counseling. In the meantime Ill be there for my nephews & brother

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you hannajomar. I guess I want to help her with getting herself help? Resources, drive her to her appointments or rehab?

Every woman her in life has abandoned her. Her mother, her cousins, my mother. Im the only one left that has reached out to her? She has built up so many walls & there are layers upon layers of a tough exterior. Ill continue to pray but the only way I will help her directly is if she agrees to rehab, treatment or counseling. In the meantime Ill be there for my nephews & brother

Do not forget that the first person to abandon her was herself. That is the person who has to reach back to those who reach out, or nothing will change. It is hard, but it is the truth.

Hang in there, and get some counselling for yourself from time to time, if you need someone to talk to. You can go to Al-Anon, too, you know. Those are some people who got their experience in this area the hard way. They can help you navigate what you hope to do.

 

[katesmom]

EasterJoy - Wonderful advice! Thank you so much for replying!!!

Alateen - I never knew about them. Ill see if I can find something local?

Thank you