Advice for Newlywed Challenges

[whitetulips]

My husband and I are newly married-we just got married about four months ago. It’s a great blessing of course, and at the same time has been a real challenge. He started anxiety medication about a week into our marriage and wasn’t himself for over a month. He felt depressed and didn’t want to do much. Then he felt better for about a week or so and then one of his friends died after a car accident. Then a bit after that we got a new puppy and while he enjoys having him he’s been sleep deprived, stressed, and stressed from work as well as he’s not really liking his job lately. He also doesn’t have friends where we live as he moved to my home state so we could be close to my family, and friendships just haven’t formed yet. I bring up him visiting his friends but he says no for various reasons. We plan on going to young adult gatherings to make more Catholic friends and legitimate things do come up, but sometimes he just hasn’t felt like going.

I’ve felt like we haven’t been nearly as connected as when we were dating and engaged. We’ve talked probably four or five times now about it, but he just ends up feeling like it’s all his fault and like he’s failing at being a good husband. I simply want to spend more quality time together. He feels connected when we’re just both in the same apartment, even if we’re doing our own thing. I feel connected by talking, having dinner without the tv on, being affectionate, etc. I also come home from my work day and do laundry, dishes, eat dinner, usually separately from him because of our schedules, maybe take our puppy for a walk, and not long after get ready for bed. He comes home and does a good job with taking care of our puppy-training, getting him exercise, etc. but he then watches tv or plays video games for a couple hours or so when I hardly get time to relax. We probably chat for 5 or 10 minutes a day about how our day was and that’s our main time really engaging with each other on the week days. Recently I did come home to a super clean apartment which I really appreciated and he suggested making a weekly schedule for date night, tidying up the apartment, laundry, etc. which was awesome. The next day though I came home from grocery shopping ready to cook and asked if it was a good time to eat (it was already 7 or so, and we had planned the previous day of having dinner together that night) and he said he wasn’t hungry. I got upset because we had planned on having dinner together and then he felt again like he was failing and like he can’t share how he feels with me because he’s nervous I’ll get upset. It just seemed like when we were dating and engaged he wanted to be so intentional, and we talked about being that way in our marriage as well.

I know marriage is hard and I should take these struggles, small or great, as opportunities to grow in holiness. I know I need to be more consistent with asking God for the grace for that. I’m trying each day to take time to be aware of what I’m grateful for as well because it’s been easier for me to look at what’s not been going right and I’m trying to change my mindset and focus on the positive.

Thoughts/advice are much appreciated, and prayers! Thank you!

 

[1ke]

If he’s on anxiety medication this indicates some physical and mental challenges. If he isn’t already he needs to see a qualified therapist.

 

[whitetulips]

He’s no longer on the medication, it was just short term (and he’s seen a doctor for it).

 

[1ke]

Maybe he should consider a counselor. Sounds like he has a lot going on is inside his head. Anxiety, depression, being sensitive to everything you say/do and taking it all personally as a criticism.

We all do some of this some of the time, but it seems he’s maybe not over his anxiety issues.

I also think you need to step back and see how much of this is a result of your own expectations. Sounds like you want things to be a certain way. That you expected married life to continue like dating life.

It doesn’t.

Maybe you need to accept that being in the same house is time together even if he’s reading and you’re knitting, or whatever. Sometimes plans will change because you had a bad day at work or are tired. So, work on not getting upset when plans change or do not go as you’d hoped.

Adjustment periods are hard, and you are having one. He moved, has a job he finds stressful, doesn’t have close friends nearby— it’s not all going to get better overnight.

I can recommend you both read the book The Five Love Languages, maybe it would help both of your speak each other’s languages as well as recognize when the other is trying to be loving but is maybe doing it in their own language instead of your preferred language.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Then a bit after that we got a new puppy and while he enjoys having him he’s been sleep deprived, stressed,

Wow. Yeah adding a puppy to the mix is not something I would advise. Puppies are a huge amount of work. Honestly, is it possible to find a new home for the puppy?

I also come home from my work day and do laundry, dishes, eat dinner, usually separately from him because of our schedules, maybe take our puppy for a walk, and not long after get ready for bed. He comes home and does a good job with taking care of our puppy-training, getting him exercise, etc.

Make puppy time together. While puppy needs to go out when you get home, that can be quick. Long walk/exercise together each evening can be puppy time together.

he suggested making a weekly schedule for date night, tidying up the apartment, laundry, etc. which was awesome

Both of you working out household chores is important. You both live there, you are both adults, so there ought not be a giant load of housework each night. I’d not call housework “date night”

What about cooking batches of food on the weekend and prepping meals for the week? Paper plates make clean up week nights easy.

I also think you need to step back and see how much of this is a result of your own expectations. Sounds like you want things to be a certain way. That you expected married life to continue like dating life.

It doesn’t.

Maybe you need to accept that being in the same house is time together even if he’s reading and you’re knitting, or whatever. Sometimes plans will change because you had a bad day at work or are tired. So, work on not getting upset when plans change or do not go as you’d hoped.

This!

This sounds like normal, married life.

Agree on counseling, Love Languages, etc.

 

[whitetulips]

Thank you for your suggestions. Yes with household chores I agree we’re both adults and it should be a team effort. I get frustrated when I come home from an eight hour work day and do most of the household tasks and hardly get to relax and he plays video games/watches tv for probably a couple of hours. I don’t think this should be what married life is like.

 

[1ke]

. I get frustrated when I come home from an eight hour work day and do most of the household tasks and hardly get to relax and he plays video games/watches tv for probably a couple of hours.

Then speak to him directly but not angrily, and not in the heat of the moment. Tell him you need to divide the household responsibilities equitably.

The video game playing and tv watching for hours could indicate depression. They could also indicate bad habits created as a child or a young adult male living alone— lack of responsibility and participation in a family. Many young people today are raised without responsibilities in the home and a LOT of men were never expected to do housework as children.

My husband is one of those. He never had to do any household work, his sister was expected to do that. Now to be fair, he was raised working on a farm and he did the farm work and outside chores. I came from a non farm family and one in which household chores were done quite a a lot by the men. My dad and stepdad both cooked, cleaned, did laundry, grocery shopped, etc, and my brothers were all taught the same.

It was quite a source of frustration when we married that my husband didn’t do house chores. But after discussing it I learned about how he was brought up and that he really didn’t think about doing inside chores and after we talked he was willing to do so but wasn’t confident doing cleaning as he didn’t know how (like what cleaners to use or not use on the wood floor, granite counters, etc). So I taught him how.

Also having chore time where we both do them together makes it go fast and more equal.

Talk about it, don’t assume.

 

[1ke]

I also have to add that my husband does all the outside chores like mowing, shoveling snow, plowing, weeding, taking out garbage, and just the “stuff” that needs doing outside (oh and he totally does all the litter box duties inside) and never asks me to do that “equitably”.

When I get grouchy about him not doing his “share” of inside work I try to remind myself that he’s the one outside when it’s 20 below zero starting my car for me and plowing the driveway. So then I just have to check myself about the dishes left in the sink and the plate left in the TV room…

 

[Jen7]

I’d sit down and talk through some structure. For ex, what time (approx) do y’all want dinner time to be? “When we’re both hungry” really doesn’t work long term because it’s so changeable. Also, if you need more “direct” contact to feel connected, can y’all schedule a day/time for that? This way you’re approaching it proactively instead of reactively (“it’s been a month since we’ve gone out together!” etc.) I also recommend dividing up chores. Obviously the division of labor will shift around over time or maybe on days when one of y’all works late… but the more you set up a structure now the few surprise irritations can crop up, in my experience. Best of luck and congratulations!!

 

[Peeps]

My husband and I dated for six years, then got married when we were 21, and we have been married for 40 years this year.

I think that your husband needs to go to the doctor and seek treatment for depression.

Depression isn’t a temporary “down time” or “the blues.” It’s a disease, often caused by a physiological condition (e.g., hormone imbalance).

Your husband needs to be screened by an experienced psychologist (and perhaps psychiatrist), and if a diagnosis of “clinical depression” is confirmed, then It needs to be treated and monitored.

The treatment will consist of regular counselling, during which he will work through many issues. It will last several months, and probably the appointments will be weekly or bi-weekly.

Eventually he will be finished with all the work, but he will probably be scheduled for semi-annual or annual counselling sessions with the psychologist to make sure that he’s OK.

The treatment will also probably include meds. Be prepared–there are several physiological causes for clinical depression, and it may take many months for the psychiatrist to p(name removed by moderator)oint the meds and dosage that are appropriate. This is frustrating for the marriage partner! When my husband was diagnosed and started meds, some of the regimens literally made him sleep 20 hours out of the 24; of course this was not practical, so the dosages were adjusted. This type of “meds experimenting” went on for a year before the proper med was settled on.

And my husband has been on those meds now for over 20 years, and they are very effective.

I don’t want to alarm you, but the biggest danger for patients with clinical depression is suicide–it’s the number one cause of death for people with untreated clinical depression.

I hope that your husband is not clinically-depressed. I hope that his moods are caused by trying to adjust to married life, and several of the other issues that other posters have discussed with you. But after what I went through with my husband, I find your description of your husband’s behavior and mindset very familiar–please don’t wait. Urge him to see the doctor and be evaluated to rule out clinical depression. And if he’s given the all-clear, then follow the wise advice of other posters and get a marriage counselor–it will be a tremendous help to both of you.

Hope this is helpful!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I agree with those who have said it sounds like your husband is having mental stress beyond just adjusting to married life. Please see if you can get him to see a doctor.

Also, with respect to dinner time, it either needs to be at a set time or else you need to just have whichever person is cooking it do so when it fits in their schedule. I will be honest, I saw so much bickering with both other couples and somewhat in my own family about eating dinner together, what time for dinner, one person not cooking or not being there for dinner etc that I decided the whole “eating dinner together” thing was overrated very early in my life and we just ate when we felt like it and if one person didn’t want to eat then but have something later we did that and didn’t make a big deal out of cooking, ever.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I am going to be the odd person out. Playing video games or watching TV for a couple hours after work is not, in my opinion, a sign of depression. Honestly, I spend a couple of hours each evening either watching some video, crocheting/knitting/crafting, reading.

It is how I unwind, it is how I have always “unwound” after a day of work.

When we were young married, and when our son was young, supper was at 7 PM. We might have a glass of wine right after work, sit on the porch and chill for a bit and then fix supper. This way it was not a big rush, we ate supper and then DS went to bed at 8.

After supper was chill time, we each chill with our own stuff. Sometimes it was watching a movie together, sometimes it was he did this, I did that.

When we both worked, heavy housework will wait for the weekend. As long as you pick up as you go, wipe out the sink/counter after you brush your teeth, clean up accidents as they happen, trash goes out every day, there ought not be reason to do chores every night! Laundry was once a week.

 

[Jen7]

I am going to be the odd person out. Playing video games or watching TV for a couple hours after work is not, in my opinion, a sign of depression. Honestly, I spend a couple of hours each evening either watching some video, crocheting/knitting/crafting, reading.

Agreed. The husband sounds like an introvert. Did he live alone before marriage? My husband did. It took him a bit to get used to having someone else around all. the. time. But now we have six kids so he has definitely gotten used to having people around! Give it time.

 

[whitetulips]

Thank you for all your thoughts! I am going to ask him how he’s been feeling with anxiety/depression as he’s been off his meds for a bit now. He has talked about how he didn’t realize how much of an introvert he was until marriage haha, so that could be part of it. He’s still interested in going out and doing things so it’s not like he always wants to stay home or not do anything. But I’ll ask him about it and we’ll go from there. Thank you!