Advice for wife of shy husband

[Stac4Grace]

Hello everyone!
I was wondering if anybody had any suggestions concerning my shy husband? He says he has been like this most of his life and it really bothers him. He is not too quiet around me, it seems he is comfortable enough around me. He has a real hard time striking up a conversation with people. Especially his co-workers. He has been at his job for about 11 years and only about 9 or 10 people work there. It is a small company that does a big business, and the same people have been there for about as long as him. He thinks that the people there do not like him because he does not talk much. They usually have to initiate the conversation. My husband is not a snob by any means he just feels like he might say something dumb or people will think he is dumb. I feel really bad for him and I don’t know what to do! He even has a hard time talking to his own mom. When they talk on the phone or in person there are always long periods of silence. Any advice on how I could help him in his struggle would greatly be appreciated. Thank You!

 

[cove]

Stac4Grace:

Hello everyone!
I was wondering if anybody had any suggestions concerning my shy husband? He says he has been like this most of his life and it really bothers him. He is not too quiet around me, it seems he is comfortable enough around me. He has a real hard time striking up a conversation with people. Especially his co-workers. He has been at his job for about 11 years and only about 9 or 10 people work there. It is a small company that does a big business, and the same people have been there for about as long as him. He thinks that the people there do not like him because he does not talk much. They usually have to initiate the conversation. My husband is not a snob by any means he just feels like he might say something dumb or people will think he is dumb. I feel really bad for him and I don’t know what to do! He even has a hard time talking to his own mom. When they talk on the phone or in person there are always long periods of silence. Any advice on how I could help him in his struggle would greatly be appreciated. Thank You!

If this is an anxiety related problem like social anxiety disorder, he may benefit from taking a medication that helps this condition called Paxil paxilcr.com/index.jsp . Of course, a doctors diagnosis would be needed. That is one avenue he may want to consider.

 

[sparkle]

Stac4Grace:

Hello everyone!
I was wondering if anybody had any suggestions concerning my shy husband? He says he has been like this most of his life and it really bothers him.

Hi Friend:

From one wife who is generally more on the opposite scale personality wise than her hubby (I am an extrovert really–he an introvert) I have learned after 16 yrs. or marriage to really learn to be quiet yourself, to let him speak up, where marriage and family is concerned, but then, when in the company of others, to let the chips fall where they may. Our marriage counselor told me to sit back and be quiet so hubby can have a chance to express his thoughts (good advice)–BUT, I think it’s not your job to worry about him speaking up around others, co-workers for example, parties, etc., if he chooses not to, well–it’s his doing. Counselor told us this as well. He said, “brother, you need to get out there and express yourself more”…But it’s his choice to do it or not of course, If others don’t like him for his shyness, if it hinders him, well–it’s his choice NOT to get his opinions in, he’ll live and learn. Toastmasters I hear is excellent for this. My hubby went once, and hopefully will go back again, after some more pressing issues are dealt with. As for you and your household, dear one, try to let him get his words and thoughts in, give him a chance to compile them of course, express yours maybe last. Big lesson for me. But a good one. I have had to learn after 16 years of marriage, to shut up and give the ball to hubby. But do look into “Toastmasters” O.K.? It’s helped many!!!

Blessings~~

Good Luck!!

 

[Pug]

I can’t tell from your post if your husband is happy the way he is. If he is, this is fine. He doesn’t have to say a lot. My brother doesn’t say much, unless it is the right topic. Even then he is not voluble. Everyone who knows him accepts this. No problem at all.

Don’t talk for him. Wait, wait, wait. He is probably slower at gathering his thoughts than you.

 

[Madaglan]

I have social anxiety and bad shyness, so I can help. First, be wary with (but by no means discount) SSRI’s (Prozac, Lexapro, Zoloft, etc.)-- and especially Paxil. Many SSRI’s have negative side effects that might make one feel worse than better. Paxil in particular is known for bad side effects, and people have a greater difficulty in withdrawing from this drug.

If he is having a real problem with shyness, he may want to see a counseler. The counseler would be able to do cognitive therapy to help him; and if he needs more than that, the counseler might recommend a more medicinal treatment.

 

[Stac4Grace]

sparkle:

Hi Friend:

From one wife who is generally more on the opposite scale personality wise than her hubby (I am an extrovert really–he an introvert) I have learned after 16 yrs. or marriage to really learn to be quiet yourself, to let him speak up, where marriage and family is concerned, but then, when in the company of others, to let the chips fall where they may. Our marriage counselor told me to sit back and be quiet so hubby can have a chance to express his thoughts (good advice)–BUT, I think it’s not your job to worry about him speaking up around others, co-workers for example, parties, etc., if he chooses not to, well–it’s his doing. Counselor told us this as well. He said, “brother, you need to get out there and express yourself more”…But it’s his choice to do it or not of course, If others don’t like him for his shyness, if it hinders him, well–it’s his choice NOT to get his opinions in, he’ll live and learn. Toastmasters I hear is excellent for this. My hubby went once, and hopefully will go back again, after some more pressing issues are dealt with. As for you and your household, dear one, try to let him get his words and thoughts in, give him a chance to compile them of course, express yours maybe last. Big lesson for me. But a good one. I have had to learn after 16 years of marriage, to shut up and give the ball to hubby. But do look into “Toastmasters” O.K.? It’s helped many!!!

Blessings~~

Good Luck!!

Hi! Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and I really do not speak for him. Our marriage is for the most part 50/50, and as I stated before He does a great job at home expressing himself with me and the kids. I am happy that he is that comfortable with us. I wish he could be that way with others. I do worry about it because if it upsets him it upsets me too. He just asked me to help with this issue so I thought I would ask it on the forums and see what others had to say about it. He got picked on alot in school and his parents were not very affectionate with him. I myself think that has alot to do with it. By the way you mentioned Toastmasters, what exactly is that? I have never heard of it before. God Bless!!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Stac4Grace:

Hello everyone!
I was wondering if anybody had any suggestions concerning my shy husband? He says he has been like this most of his life and it really bothers him. He has a real hard time striking up a conversation with people. Especially his co-workers. He has been at his job for about 11 years and only about 9 or 10 people work there. It is a small company that does a big business, and the same people have been there for about as long as him.** He thinks that the people there do not like him because he does not talk much. **They usually have to initiate the conversation. My husband **is not a snob by any means he just feels like he might say something dumb or people will think he is dumb. **I feel really bad for him and I don’t know what to do!

Hi Stac…

I really feel for you and your husband. I am the same way as him. I even found out that my neighbors call me the “neighborhood snob” because I am not chatty. I too feel like it’s better to say nothing at all than to say something that makes me look dumb. I have been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

Obviously he has expressed his desire for you to help him overcome this. He probably feels like it is a hopeless cause as he has been this way all his life.

I second the person who gave a warning about drugs and suggested cognitive behavioral therapy. I am not saying that the drugs are not helpful, just that I don’t believe they should be the only treatment.

For myself, I am going to try cognitive behavioral therapy first…then, if it doesn’t help enough, I will consider a medication along with the therapy. It is important to find a therapist who specializes in this treatment and the disorder. If the therapist is not good the treatment will not work and your hubby will probably not be up for trying it again if it fails.

Try doing an internet search for social anxiety disorder and cognitive behavioral therapy (avoid the sites that are selling a product)… then show them to your hubby. It helped me a lot to know that I am not alone.

With a wife as supportive as you he can beat this!!! (if S.A.D. is the problem)

Good luck… I know how he feels, and my hubby knows how you feel.

Malia

 

[SP38]

My husband went through a Dale Carnigie course that really helped him “step out of his comfort zone” when speaking with coworkers, clients and his boss. Great course, excellent investment.
Practical advice. No medical intervention and no drugs.

 

[Scott_Lafrance]

cove:

If this is an anxiety related problem like social anxiety disorder, he may benefit from taking a medication that helps this condition called Paxil paxilcr.com/index.jsp . Of course, a doctors diagnosis would be needed. That is one avenue he may want to consider.

Ricky Williams has social anxiety disorder. I wouldn’t recommend his method of treatment however.

 

[felra]

Feanaro's Wife:

Hi Stac…

I really feel for you and your husband. I am the same way as him. I even found out that my neighbors call me the “neighborhood snob” because I am not chatty. I too feel like it’s better to say nothing at all than to say something that makes me look dumb. I have been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

Obviously he has expressed his desire for you to help him overcome this. He probably feels like it is a hopeless cause as he has been this way all his life.

I second the person who gave a warning about drugs and suggested cognitive behavioral therapy. I am not saying that the drugs are not helpful, just that I don’t believe they should be the only treatment.

For myself, I am going to try cognitive behavioral therapy first…then, if it doesn’t help enough, I will consider a medication along with the therapy. It is important to find a therapist who specializes in this treatment and the disorder. If the therapist is not good the treatment will not work and your hubby will probably not be up for trying it again if it fails.

Try doing an internet search for social anxiety disorder and cognitive behavioral therapy (avoid the sites that are selling a product)… then show them to your hubby. It helped me a lot to know that I am not alone.

With a wife as supportive as you he can beat this!!! (if S.A.D. is the problem)

Good luck… I know how he feels, and my hubby knows how you feel.

Malia

I second this If the cognitive-behavioral approach, possibly coupled with medication, falters, then maybe some insight type of therapy to resolve any longstanding/childhood issues may also be in order.

 

[sparkle]

Stac4Grace:

By the way you mentioned Toastmasters, what exactly is that? I have never heard of it before. God Bless!!

Toastmasters is a group, an organization, (look it up on the net–maybe www.toastmasters.com)– Just do a search for it. There’s most likely a group in your area too–to help people get over shyness, to help them learn public speaking skills, communication skills, and how to express themselves better. It’s been a HUGE success. Many have totally overcome their shyness because of it–and many has it helped greatly.! Try looking it up on the net, punch in your city, and inevitably they’ll be a group meeting in your city.

God Bless~~

 

[Stac4Grace]

Feanaro's Wife:

Hi Stac…

I really feel for you and your husband. I am the same way as him. I even found out that my neighbors call me the “neighborhood snob” because I am not chatty. I too feel like it’s better to say nothing at all than to say something that makes me look dumb. I have been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

Obviously he has expressed his desire for you to help him overcome this. He probably feels like it is a hopeless cause as he has been this way all his life.

I second the person who gave a warning about drugs and suggested cognitive behavioral therapy. I am not saying that the drugs are not helpful, just that I don’t believe they should be the only treatment.

For myself, I am going to try cognitive behavioral therapy first…then, if it doesn’t help enough, I will consider a medication along with the therapy. It is important to find a therapist who specializes in this treatment and the disorder. If the therapist is not good the treatment will not work and your hubby will probably not be up for trying it again if it fails.

Try doing an internet search for social anxiety disorder and cognitive behavioral therapy (avoid the sites that are selling a product)… then show them to your hubby. It helped me a lot to know that I am not alone.

With a wife as supportive as you he can beat this!!! (if S.A.D. is the problem)

Good luck… I know how he feels, and my hubby knows how you feel.

Malia

Thank you very much I will look into your suggestions and go from there. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[sparkle]

IT’S www.toastmasters.org

Go to find----find a group by your state–then city!

It will surely help you all!!!

 

[Annunciata]

Pratically your whole post could describe my husband…

Stac4Grace:

… He thinks that the people there do not like him because he does not talk much. They usually have to initiate the conversation. My husband is not a snob …

.
He is percieved as one because of this…although not diagnosed, I believe he suffers from Social Anxiety.

He even has a hard time talking to his own mom. When they talk on the phone or in person there are always long periods of silence.

Since my husband refuses to recognize this in himself the only thing I can do is try to open up conversations for him and pick up on them when they die… He is getting better though since I first met him. I’m a chatterbox and very outgoing…had to learn that though…I too had Social Anxiety along w/ many other things that go along w/ Anxiety Disorder. I’ve gotten help from support groups and Spiritual Direction…and a lot of prayer and some medication. I have been healed in many of the areas of my phobias but still suffer from panic attacks from time to time…and probably always will since it’s a genetic/chemical thing w/ me. Hope this helps, Annunciata

 

[Stac4Grace]

Thanks to all of you for your advice and support it really does mean alot to me and I am going to check out the Taostmasters website and go from there. Thanks again and God bless you!