Advice from anyone who discerned out of religious life and got married?

[seekingsynthesis]

Main question is (and more info below)- if anyone else has struggled with guilt when pursuing marriage or other lay states, after deciding against religious life?

Background info- All throughout highschool I was convinced I had a vocation to religious life. I had talked to my parents as well as the order, and planned on entering straight out of highschool.
However, the order I planned on entering was the SSVM/IVE. When I was very close to entering, I stumbled across some very disturbing information about the order (Do some googling and it will not take long for you to see), and realized that all of the discernment advice I had been receiving was extremely flawed and pressured (my only spiritual direction was also IVE- conflict of interest, pretty much).

That was five years ago and it has been a long and painful process to sort through “what’s next”. (I briefly considered if maybe I was just meant for another order, but honestly, no other order really drew my heart like the IVE had). I concluded through years of spiritual direction and therapy that my sense of “vocation” had likely been a sense of feeling special and set apart by the IVE, and even a sense of pride in wanting to be seen as “set apart” from “ordinary people” in order to be good enough for God. I have grown deeply in my faith, grown to see greatness and holiness in the small things, and to feel drawn to marriage and motherhood through many circumstances over the past few years.

However, I am now discussing engagement with an absolutely great guy (Catholic, a spiritual leader, a hard worker, who loves me deeply and challenges me to grow in many ways)- and the closer this next step gets, I am struggling intensely with deep guilt over finally and totally deciding against religious life, and deep anxiety that I’m not doing enough, that God is disappointed in me, etc. I am finding myself squashing all excitement and feeling guilty or selfish for daydreaming about life with him. I see posts about the objectively higher good of religious life (which I do believe is true), and that all who can respond should, and feel intense anxiety.

The fearful voice in my head is saying “Is this guilt a sign that I’m still just running from God’s will?”. But logic tells me of the many people (and saints!) who seriously discerned religious life, decided against it and went on to grow in holiness through marriage.

My spiritual directors and many friends tell me that this type of fear and guilt is likely not from God, but it is really hard to think of getting engaged in this state. Is there anyone who was perhaps in the seminary or convent previously, who left and later got married, who might have any advice for how to peacefully transition to life as a lay person?

Thank you in advance.

 

[Motherwit]

My spiritual directors and many friends tell me that this type of fear and guilt is likely not from God, but it is really hard to think of getting engaged in this state. Is there anyone who was perhaps in the seminary or convent previously, who left and later got married, who might have any advice for how to peacefully transition to life as a lay person?

I don’t have anything to give you from that experience but I’ve been watching Leah Remini’s series about leaving Scientology and that’s what came to my mind reading your story. Perhaps you have that kind of dilemma that people experience after leaving a cult?

“Yet another kind of fear exists - a more inwardly focused fear that comes from believing that if you leave, you will be doomed to live a life of unenlightenment, will never be psychologically whole, never spiritually fulfilled, never healthy or able to live in peace.”

A prayer for your peace.

 

[seekingsynthesis]

This actually spoke to me hugely. Yes, people who have left the IVE say it is almost exactly like leaving a cult, and although I was never actually a member, I feel as though I was emotionally.
This describes my experience and gives some good perspective. I really appreciate your thoughtful response.

 

[Dorothy]

Marriage is a wonderful vocation to be called to, especially when husband and wife put God first in their lives and pray together as well as alone.

 

[AdamP88]

I discerned a vocation to the Dominican Order and I lived in the order for a year as a novice. I am now married four years and very happy with that vocation. I never really experienced the feelings that you describe, and I wonder if your feelings could be in part due to the style of direction you received from this congregation.

As a married man I accept and appreciate that the religious life/priesthood is an objectively superior calling to marriage, as it is a supernatural vocation. However, this doesn’t take away from the value of marriage and the fact that it is a sacrament and a vocation. If anything, my time in religious life has shown me the value and place of all these vocations in the Church.

I definitely believe that much of your anxiety over this could be coming directly from the devil. God never imposes His will and will never lead you to anxiety. Often God brings us to our vocation by enkindling our own desires and longings and showing us that these are a sign of what our vocation should be. I struggled a lot with anxiety in my year as a novice as I really desperately longed for marriage and family life. I didn’t want to be seen to “fail” at this path, and part of me wanted to serve God as a priest. Even after I left, I struggled with this, but ultimately God showed me that marriage was the path I was truly called to, and was always the desire of my heart.

A spiritual director of mine once gave me a very important lesson in vocation: Vocation should be discerned, and it should be chosen wisely, but a side effect of our true vocation should be a deep and profound happiness and peace in our lives. God wishes us to be happy and live life to the fullest.