Advice from someone with AA or Al-Anon experience?

[Eliza10]

Post 1 of 2
If you are familiar with Al-Anon or AA, maybe you can help me know what to say at particular times with my new acquaintance who I met at work, whom I am just beginning to get to know. She is not someone I see or will see everyday, or even regularly, and when I do see her there may be no time to talk. She is in a difficult passage of her life, some of them the very things God has helped me through, and I liked her, and as we exchanged phone numbers when we met, I reached out and called her last weekend to go to breakfast, and we planned for the next day, but that morning she called me because she had come down with what sounded like a miserable cold or flu and it had to cancel.

I texted her today to see if she felt better, and she called back tonight. We talked a bit about work and other things in her life, and in this time she burst out in tears when talking of her children (a problem there) and also when I assured her of God’s love of her. With the tears it was quite difficult to understand her words, and besides that my phone is not that great for clear sound, and I said why not come her for breakfast or lunch one day this long weekend, and that is the plan we will finalize tomorrow, because I did not want to make final plans as you will see why below here.

I had to get off the phone when I realized that besides her mention that she had suffered from her own alcohol abuse (as a reaction to a very real crisis, I believe) she was drunk right now. This came up when I mentioned something from the serenity prayer about doing what you can and leaving the rest to God - she asked: “Do YOU have this problem?” - I knew immediately what shemeantm, and she seemed relieved to find a cohort or, I don’'t know, maybe a sponsor - and I said no, but I have had other problems that seemed impossible that God helped me through. But I soon realized she may not have just been talking about the past, but she might in fact be drunk in this moment while talking to me, and I asked, and her incoherent response confirmed it. So it was not just my cell phone garbling her words and that’s why it was taking such exhaustive effort to decipher her words as well aws the direction of the conversation.

[see next post for the 2nd half of this one]

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[Eliza10]

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Post 2 of 2
I was now in a big hurry to get off the phone because I was tired from the strain of following the conversation and when I realized it was due to drunkenness I did not want to give the impossible chore any more of my time. But I worried that in her delicate state some might feel bad about the hasty hang-up, so I texted to repeat that we would talk tomorrow to finalize the time for breakfast, and that I needed to hang up because it is so hard to understand on my phone.

Well in 5 or 10 minutes she called back ready to launch right back into the same winding conversation and I was going to be faced with trying to end it again! So i said I was making dinner and would talk tomorrow, and that my phone was hard to hear on.

I do not have much direct personal experience with drunks and drunkenness, though I know all about AA and Al-Anon, and have read all kinds of books related to it. Here’s some thoughts and questions I would like advice on.

First of all, I wasn’t honest. When I realized she was drunk I just wanted to get off the phone. What is the point of wasting your breath and effort talking to a drunk who likely won’t remember anything you said? It was too much work and I wanted to just run. So, what should I have said instead. How would you say, you are drunk and I don’t want to talk to a drunk. I am not a blunt person and like to be polite when serving the truth.

One thing that came up in the conversation was my mention of my current odd situation that I have no car. We found out this week that our (only) car is too rusted to fix (we live in the cold north) and is unsafe to drive anymore , and to get the decent car we want, we won’t have a car until early March. And we decided not to rent a car in the meantime because I can walk to work and the grocery store, and a few short weeks of inconvenience isn’t going to kill us. She said, I wish i could help you somehow and I said, well, if when you come to breakfast we make a trip afterward to the local grocery store, that would be helpful, and she was happy to agree to that.

Well, since I do not know her - she did not seem the least bit like a drunk when i met her, but like an intelligent and capable person - and I do not know about what her drinking issue entails, I am concerned about her driving here for a meal on Sunday. It’s a 20 min. drive - what if she comes drunk, and I mean, drives drunk to get here? And what if I feel unsafe as a passenger in her car? I guess I have my phone with me if I have to get out of the car.

So, I would like some feedback from the experienced. Thanks

 

[FiveLinden]

I can’t give any Christian advice but my experience suggests: you are a wonderful person o think of helping. You may be able to help. Your help may not have any immediate effect. It may help in the longer term. It may do not good. It is very unlikely to do any harm. On the other hand, don’t let your friend do you any harm. Don’t be a victim by giving money away when it won’t help, or by allowing your life and loved ones to be harmed. Don’t get in the car if she is drunk. DOn’t be surprised if she does some disgusting things like vomiting in the wrong place. There’s a reason it’s called a problem! If she smokes as well as drinks don’t let her go to sleep at your place cigarette in hand and burn the house down. Try to not deal with her when she is drunk unless you have been advised by an expert. Encourage her to get professional help for her addiction. Professional help is best; if they advise AA, take the advice. No idea if any of that is relevant, just some random thoughts. Lots of drunks are nice people, especially when not drinking! You might well get some better advice from Al-anon. They’re experienced.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I have experience with alcoholics, unfortunately. I was in a relationship with one for some years. I am not an alcoholic myself but have had times of drinking in my life.

You need to tell your friend politely but firmly to please not call you when she has been drinking. Tell her she is difficult to understand in that state and that you also don’t think it is healthy for her to be drinking and do not want to support that activity. Tell her that you are happy to be her friend and be there for her when she is sober, but you can’t deal with alcohol abuse. It is not bad or wrong of you to set a limit in this way. If she gets mad and breaks off the friendship over it, so be it. If she broke off with you it would be a sign that she is really looking for friends who will facilitate her substance abuse. Her calling you drunk might have been a “testing the waters” to see if it’s okay for her to “drunk dial” you. You have to let her know it’s not okay or she may do it again or make a habit out of it.

I would not presume things about her from one incident of drinking. It might have been a single incident. But if she does it again or you see other signs of her drinking, I would suggest you tell her to get help, refer her to AA, and ease yourself out of the situation. It’s nice that you want to help, but people who have a drinking problem need to work on their sobriety first and foremost and you have said you’re not the person with experience to deal with that.

If you plan to go somewhere with her in the car, take your phone and some money (or rely on Uber if it’s available where you are) so you can get out of the car and get a ride home if it appears she is impaired at any point driving. Obviously if she seems impaired when she comes to pick you up, don’t get in the car with her.

 

[Eliza10]

Thank you, Tis_Bearself. This wise and experienced advice is exactly what I needed. I really appreciate it. God bless you.