Advice needed dealing with difficult relative

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Lovemyfaith

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I know everyone has their “difficult” family members but this one takes the cake. For my entire life I have tried so hard to be there for this person, because I saw the chaos that surrounded her life. I have watched pets (requiring me to drive back and forth 10 miles each way several times a day), waited for repairmen (because she works) watched her children, cleaned her house (including cleaning up a smashed fish tank that was left to sit in her yard for weeks and weeks until I decided to clean it) and generally put up with her fits of rage toward me and other relatives. She has been inconsiderate to me and my children where I have never missed a birthday or holiday and hosted birthdays, etc for her children. My family paid for her to stay in a hotel when her son had a health crisis a year ago to the tune of over $400, which we really didn’t have. I finally decided I deserve peace in my life and made a decision to keep my distance from her when she told another relative she was no longer speaking to me because I didn’t wish her a happy birthday (I sent an email telling her I dropped some clothes off for her and remarked another relative asked about her ex husband earlier that day without ever remarking it was her birthday, apparently that was not good enough of an acknowledgment- oh and by the way in 44 years she has never wished me a happy birthday). So for over a year I was happy not to have the chaos in my life.

I realize reading this people may think I am uncharitable or gossiping unfairly, but really I am just giving some background to figure out this latest attack from her. (and believe me I could go on and on about her).

A few years ago, when I was helping her clean her porch she noted there were two bikes on it that she never used. They were starting to rust as they were not protected from the elements. She had (at the time) multiple bikes in her basement. She asked if I wanted them and I said sure (I didn’t have a bike).

Yesterday I got an email from her that her daughter’s bike was stolen and she wanted the bikes back.

What on earth would you do?
 
Dacinom said:
Dear one, you have had peace and distance from this madness…ignore the email. She has deep problems that you cannot solve and probably cannot even make her feel just the tiniest bit better. Block her email address so you do not have to even worry that she is sending you a message. This is probably not even about needing a bicycle, really, who NEEDS a bicycle urgently and asks someone who they gave one to two years ago? For all she knows the bicycle she gave you was given away or broken by this time.

The problem here really is that having contact with her still “stirs” a lot of emotion in you. After only one email you are re-living all the madness that she put you through. If she had contacted you asking you out to coffee to mend fences maybe you could consider it. However her email indicates that clearly she is still a toxic person. Delete the email and do something wonderful with your children! Hug and kiss them and enjoy the loved ones that God has surrounded you with. Hope this helps, God bless.
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I agree with Monicad. If you still have the bike, give it to a charity. Pray for her by all means. Butg do not let her toxic nature infect you. I have 2 adopted kids that are turning more and more into the same sort of persons.
My wife and I have found we need to be away from them from time to time to keep our sanity, and agree that if they decided to “leave and never come back” we need to let them go and understand that it is their issues, not ours. People with issues can not be helped if they are not willing to face what the true roots are. You relative is one such person.
Peace be with
 
Dacinom said:
Dear one, you have had peace and distance from this madness…ignore the email. She has deep problems that you cannot solve and probably cannot even make her feel just the tiniest bit better. Block her email address so you do not have to even worry that she is sending you a message. This is probably not even about needing a bicycle, really, who NEEDS a bicycle urgently and asks someone who they gave one to two years ago? For all she knows the bicycle she gave you was given away or broken by this time.

The problem here really is that having contact with her still “stirs” a lot of emotion in you. After only one email you are re-living all the madness that she put you through. If she had contacted you asking you out to coffee to mend fences maybe you could consider it. However her email indicates that clearly she is still a toxic person. Delete the email and do something wonderful with your children! Hug and kiss them and enjoy the loved ones that God has surrounded you with. Hope this helps, God bless.
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Thank you so much for your reply. You had the same exact advice as my husband and best friend. I know it is the best advice but I know as long as I have these bikes, this relative will most likely stew about it and make demands for them.
The thing that bothers me most of all is her daughter has had a history of losing cell phones, computers and has had another bike stolen in the past. The poor girl is so lost in life and really needs a parent who will make her face her issues of responsibility and perhaps get a job to buy a new bike and take better care in the future, but of course her mother would rather bully someone else like me.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
Thank you so much for your reply. You had the same exact advice as my husband and best friend. I know it is the best advice but I know as long as I have these bikes, this relative will most likely stew about it and make demands for them.
The thing that bothers me most of all is her daughter has had a history of losing cell phones, computers and has had another bike stolen in the past. The poor girl is so lost in life and really needs a parent who will make her face her issues of responsibility and perhaps get a job to buy a new bike and take better care in the future, but of course her mother would rather bully someone else like me.
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Give her back the bikes. It’s not worth the harassment. Then, don’t have anything else to do with her. Pray for her daughter.
 
You are not being uncharitable. You are dealing with a toxic person. Unfortunately they are out there. Personally, I would find someone else to drop off the bikes to her. I know she gave them to you and you are under no obligation to return them. The thing is they are a link to her. As long as you have them that link will remain. For me, it would be worth giving them back and severing that tie.

She and her daughter need a lot of prayers.
 
maltmom said:
You are not being uncharitable. You are dealing with a toxic person. Unfortunately they are out there. Personally, I would find someone else to drop off the bikes to her. I know she gave them to you and you are under no obligation to return them. The thing is they are a link to her. As long as you have them that link will remain. For me, it would be worth giving them back and severing that tie.

She and her daughter need a lot of prayers.
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Completely agree. If a narcissist wants something you have, he or she will move heaven and earth, and burn the ground afterward, to get it. Best to let it go, and learn the lesson about not accepting favors from that sort of “toxic” person. Stuff they let go of is never without strings.

Great suggestion to have someone else return the bikes, even if you have to pay a taxicab to take them, it’s worth it.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
What on earth would you do?
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I would quit volunteering myself to become their victim all the time. Then I would sit down and think long and hard about why I am doing this to myself. If I am a reasonably intelligent and self-respecting person, why do I feel the urge to keep on letting this person make a fool of me? What is attracting me to the abuse?
 
Rainaldo said:
I would quit volunteering myself to become their victim all the time. Then I would sit down and think long and hard about why I am doing this to myself. If I am a reasonably intelligent and self-respecting person, why do I feel the urge to keep on letting this person make a fool of me? What is attracting me to the abuse?
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I did that a year ago when she stopped speaking to me and I have been enjoying the peace. She emailed me unfortunately.
 
One Email , just seeing the name up there, the whole human body goes into the last moment that Email address was seen or phone call or whatever the last thing was.

Your probably not like me in how I find myself responding to same idea roughly. Now this is not advise but contrast to show a variety in the ears listening.

I would be very tempted to write back immediately and say, oh…I want to make sure which bikes?..after about 5-6 Emails including being confused somehow and always wishing her a lovely and splendid day…OH…those bikes, I sold them for parts and got 5 bucks. Can you give me a week or so to get the money to you? What ever is best for you is all I care about…let me know for sure and enjoy what looks like a beautiful day.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
Well, she asked me for two bikes she gave me about five years ago.
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Do you still even have the bikes? Have you put your own money into fixing them? If you have them, but you’ve paid money to have them rehabbed, it’s kind of tough. If you are using the bikes, I’d probably say no, and let the chips fall where they may. I know I said to give them back earlier, but you’ve had them for 5 years! Well, ultimately, you have to decide what you can tolerate and what is worth a battle.

p.s. I have 2 rusty and broken bikes she can have! 🙂
 
If it were me and I still had the bikes, I would give them back for the sake of my own sanity. If you want to avoid contact, you can have a third party return them or leave them at her house when she’s not home. Those bikes are something she will hold over your head for the rest of your life. Whatever you choose to do, I hope this is resolved and you can get back to your peace.
 
Monicad said:
Dear one, you have had peace and distance from this madness…ignore the email. She has deep problems that you cannot solve and probably cannot even make her feel just the tiniest bit better. Block her email address so you do not have to even worry that she is sending you a message. This is probably not even about needing a bicycle, really, who NEEDS a bicycle urgently and asks someone who they gave one to two years ago? For all she knows the bicycle she gave you was given away or broken by this time.

The problem here really is that having contact with her still “stirs” a lot of emotion in you. After only one email you are re-living all the madness that she put you through. If she had contacted you asking you out to coffee to mend fences maybe you could consider it. However her email indicates that clearly she is still a toxic person. Delete the email and do something wonderful with your children! Hug and kiss them and enjoy the loved ones that God has surrounded you with. Hope this helps, God bless.
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This is the best advice. I would do this in a minute!
 
Lovemyfaith said:
Yesterday I got an email from her that her daughter’s bike was stolen and she wanted the bikes back.

What on earth would you do?
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Return the bike and stay away from this person. She sounds like a selfish, spoilt, manipulative brat. Sure, help her out if she has nobody else to clean up her mess, but please don’t go out of your way to take care of her. She is not a helpless child, although she behaves like one.
 
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