Advice needed please

  • Thread starter Thread starter Tim58
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

Tim58

Guest
Hi,

I’m in a dilemna,

A couple of weeks ago I took my daughter and her friend to a party where the parents would be away for a very short while. My daughter’s friend is 17. As they climbed into the car two cans of beer fell out of her friend’s handbag. She went bright red and the journey was completed in silence.

Should I tell her mum. Her mum is a teacher and pretty strict. My wife mentioned smoking and drinking with her late last year. Basically she said that if her 17 year old daughter ever smoked or drunk alcohol underage she would be grounded for six months.

She also promised to assign her daughter 1,000 sentences to write immediately. My wife apparently chuckled because she knows how long the lady’s sentences are.

This sounds too severe to me. Its a lot of sentences, about 30 pages worth. I feel a bit sorry for the girl.

I presume I will have to phone her mum. Could I just give the girl a good talking to? I know my wife would definitely phone the girl’s mum.

Thanks

Tim
 
I think the mom has to know the truth even if you think she is too strict. It may save her daughter’s life. Face the music, and perhaps she will surprise you.
 
You probably should either tell her, or make your daughter tell her. Despite the perceived negative consequences of telling her mom, there are a couple things unfair to the mom by keeping it from her. First, it puts you in the position of being the “nice parent”, and the mom being the “mean parent”–i doubt you would like the reverse. Second, it will diminish the value of her mom in the daughters eyes.

No matter what your opinion of her mom, you two need to both show united concern for the daughters best interest. To act like you are protecting her from her mom would make it seem like her mom is out to get her and does not have her best interest in at heart. Again, you wouldn’t like the reverse and I dont’ think its hard to see why that is a bad thing.
 
Good Grief Tim…how many stories of teens sneaking out…attending parties and writing sentences do you have in your back pocket?!?

And why, if two underage girls, while climbing into your car to attend a party that will, in part be unsupervised, drop cans of beer do you “continue the journey in silence?” The answer would have been to deposit the offending party (s) back at their parents’ front door immediately and tell them they have until the next morning to 'fess up because that is when you will be calling them yourself.

If you tattle to the mum involved, first confess your own stupidity at enabling the underage drinking and offer to share in penning a few of the 1000s of sentences. Or as an alternative, invite the offending child and her parents to your home for a dinner where the topic of conversation will be underage drinking and some strategies to resist it.
 
Island Oak:
Good Grief Tim…how many stories of teens sneaking out…attending parties and writing sentences do you have in your back pocket?!?

And why, if two underage girls, while climbing into your car to attend a party that will, in part be unsupervised, drop cans of beer do you “continue the journey in silence?” The answer would have been to deposit the offending party (s) back at their parents’ front door immediately and tell them they have until the next morning to 'fess because that is when you will be calling them yourself.

If you tattle to the mum involved, first confess your own stupidity at enabling the underage drinking and offer to share in penning a few of the 1000s of sentences. Or as an alternative, invite the offending child and her parents to your home for a dinner where the topic of conversation will be underage drinking and some strategies to resist it.
Click to expand...
:rotfl:yeah, sorry tim…your credibility just went down to zero.
 
Island Oak:
And why, if two underage girls, while climbing into your car to attend a party that will, in part be unsupervised, drop cans of beer do you “continue the journey in silence?” The answer would have been to deposit the offending party (s) back at their parents’ front door immediately and tell them they have until the next morning to 'fess because that is when you will be calling them yourself.

I have to agree with Island Oak. Every parent makes mistakes in judgement but we have to own up to them - we are the adults. You need to go and tell the mother what happened. If this happened in reverse, would you want to know?

I think part of America’s problem is that we aren’t involved as a “community” anymore. Many kids seem to think that as long as their parents aren’t around everything they do is okay. We need to start telling our neighbors the good and bad things our children do and make sure the kids know that parents have eyes everywhere. My mom seemed to know everything - even when I didn’t tell her (like we went to the Pizza Hut after a movie!) and would ask me about it the next day! Kept me in line!
Click to expand...
 
Wow, you’re lenient. I don’t have kids yet, but my response would have been to tell the girl to march right back into her house (and you and your daughter accompany her, after you search your daughter’s bag as well) and tell her parents, or you’ll call the cops. Underage drinking is against the law. Once in the friend’s house, I would call the cops to go check out the party.

Too many kids die each year from drinking or drinking-related accidents. Too many innocents are killed by these drinking children. I can’t imagine aiding and abetting such behavior.
 
Wow. I’m not that old (21) but I was 17 not too long ago and if my dad or mom had found beer on me or on one of my friends they would have flipped out. Neither of us would have been going anywhere. 'Course, I wouldn’t have been going to a party where there wasn’t parents either-please, I wouldn’t have even asked my parents, already knowing the answer. I would have just sneaked out. Kidding, kidding…just seeing if you were paying attention. 😛 But seriously, I think something I’ve realized now that I don’t live at home anymore is that your parent can’t always be cool and your friend and stuff. They have to be the responsible, mature ones. And leaving a couple of 17 year olds off at an unsupervised party with beer is not responsible.
That being said I think you should probably speak with the friend’s parents. You’re not being mean or anything. The kids should know better. Go for it. Maybe they’ll learn something.
 
40.png
Tim58:
Hi,

I’m in a dilemna,

A couple of weeks ago I took my daughter and her friend to a party where the parents would be away for a very short while. My daughter’s friend is 17. As they climbed into the car two cans of beer fell out of her friend’s handbag. She went bright red and the journey was completed in silence.

Should I tell her mum. Her mum is a teacher and pretty strict. My wife mentioned smoking and drinking with her late last year. Basically she said that if her 17 year old daughter ever smoked or drunk alcohol underage she would be grounded for six months.

She also promised to assign her daughter 1,000 sentences to write immediately. My wife apparently chuckled because she knows how long the lady’s sentences are.

This sounds too severe to me. Its a lot of sentences, about 30 pages worth. I feel a bit sorry for the girl.

I presume I will have to phone her mum. Could I just give the girl a good talking to? I know my wife would definitely phone the girl’s mum.

Thanks

Tim
Click to expand...
How much “grounding” can really go on? The age of 18 is probably one year away (then an adult). Though 21 is the drinking age in most states.
 
40.png
Celia:
Wow. I’m not that old (21) but I was 17 not too long ago and if my dad or mom had found beer on me or on one of my friends they would have flipped out. Neither of us would have been going anywhere. 'Course, I wouldn’t have been going to a party where there wasn’t parents either-please, I wouldn’t have even asked my parents, already knowing the answer. I would have just sneaked out. Kidding, kidding…just seeing if you were paying attention. 😛 But seriously, I think something I’ve realized now that I don’t live at home anymore is that your parent can’t always be cool and your friend and stuff. They have to be the responsible, mature ones. And leaving a couple of 17 year olds off at an unsupervised party with beer is not responsible.
That being said I think you should probably speak with the friend’s parents. You’re not being mean or anything. The kids should know better. Go for it. Maybe they’ll learn something.
Click to expand...
I agree!!!
 
Look in the mirror, and decide if you would want to be informed were it your child…

the ball is in your hands now…

no one ever said parenting would be easy…:cool:
 
Dear friend

I am struggling to see that amount of lines as strict! When I was a child and kids got a smack back then, I was smacked and thrashed hard for my mistakes and deliberate flouting of rules! I was given work to do in the house and the garden and I was kept indoors and not allowed to go out with friends!

This child deliberately flouted her mum’s rules and the law. You should have drove her back to her mum’s and told the parents what had happened, then taken your own daughter back to your home, if one child had alcohol, then you can bet it was going to be one of ‘those parties’!

I don’t think children should be hit and I don’t hit my own, but that amount of lines really is nothing and I will doubt if that will put this child off doing anything in the future. What will put her off is if other parents join forces with her parents, that way she can’t scream ‘my folks are too strict’ when she learns that all parents impose rules on their children FOR THEIR OWN BENEFIT and SAFETY.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
Island Oak:
Good Grief Tim…how many stories of teens sneaking out…attending parties and writing sentences do you have in your back pocket?!?

And why, if two underage girls, while climbing into your car to attend a party that will, in part be unsupervised, drop cans of beer do you “continue the journey in silence?” The answer would have been to deposit the offending party (s) back at their parents’ front door immediately and tell them they have until the next morning to 'fess up because that is when you will be calling them yourself.

If you tattle to the mum involved, first confess your own stupidity at enabling the underage drinking and offer to share in penning a few of the 1000s of sentences. Or as an alternative, invite the offending child and her parents to your home for a dinner where the topic of conversation will be underage drinking and some strategies to resist it.
Click to expand...
AMEN Preach it Island!
 
40.png
Tim58:
Hi,

I’m in a dilemna,

A couple of weeks ago I took my daughter and her friend to a party where the parents would be away for a very short while. My daughter’s friend is 17. As they climbed into the car two cans of beer fell out of her friend’s handbag. She went bright red and the journey was completed in silence.
Should I tell her mum. Her mum is a teacher and pretty strict. My wife mentioned smoking and drinking with her late last year. Basically she said that if her 17 year old daughter ever smoked or drunk alcohol underage she would be grounded for six months.
She also promised to assign her daughter 1,000 sentences to write immediately. My wife apparently chuckled because she knows how long the lady’s sentences are.
This sounds too severe to me. Its a lot of sentences, about 30 pages worth. I feel a bit sorry for the girl.
I presume I will have to phone her mum. Could I just give the girl a good talking to? I know my wife would definitely phone the girl’s mum.
Tim
Click to expand...
As a Christian man Tim, did you say anything to her? And why not? Isn’t it our duty as parents to set our kids on the straight and narrow path here? As a parent of teens myself, I would have taken the beers away, scolding the girl, (yes in front of anybody)-- for trying to keep up with peer pressure, also telling them they don’t need beer to have a good time, no they don’t need it, should not be drinking it, and they’re under age. And YES, you should tell her mom. Have some guts Tim.
 
Hi Tim

I have a 20 yr old daughter in college and we still have plenty of sit downs about drinking even though she doesn’t drink. Alot of things go on in places where alchohol is served and just being there is risky business. We need to help our kids make good choices. I’ve seen alchohol destroy families and I’ve buried too many friends that have died resulting in alcohol related deaths. The first part of being responsible with anything is knowing when to not eat of the forbidden fruit. Illegal is illegal. Mom needs to know.
Dave
 
OF COURSE you should tell the parents!!

What if the tables were turned and it was YOUR daughter who was sneaking cans of beer into her friend’s mum’s car? Would YOU want to know??

(And how do you know YOUR daughter wasn’t drinking at this unsupervised party, as well??).

Call the other parent AND sit down for a very heart to heart chat with YOUR daughter.

If that had been my car, it would NOT have been driven in the direction of the party at that point. Oh, no! It would have been turning around and heading straight home!

Parenting takes guts. We are to be parents, not friends. That comes later in life once they are grown.
 
Had this been my child and his friend - I would have driven to the party, walked in and stayed with them. If one kid was bringing beer - others were too… Not dropping my underage teen off at a party without parents and driving away - no way.
 
40.png
Tim58:
I took my daughter and her friend to a party where the parents would be away for a very short while.:eek: As they climbed into the car two cans of beer fell out of her friend’s handbag. She went bright red and the journey was completed in silence. :bigyikes:
Click to expand...
“John, John, John, I love you. :confused: What in the world were you thinking?” :banghead: I don’t know how many times my dad said this.

Tim :tiphat:

Welcome to my world. :yup: My fear to discipline comes from my pride and vanity. I worry about what other people will think about me. What causes your fear to discipline? I urge you to take this question to prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

“Should I tell her mum?” You know the answer.

Maybe a better question is “should I tell her mum I am sorry for allowing her child to go to an unsupervised party with alcohol?”

I strongly urge you to take you and your daughter to confession. Make it a family affair, go to confession, mass and a movie.

Here is a verse that really pierced my heart.

Proverbs 3:

11 The discipline of the LORD, my son, disdain not; spurn not his reproof; 12 For whom the LORD loves he reproves, and he chastises the son he favors.

Well Tim, have fun. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

God :blessyou:
 
And why, if two underage girls, while climbing into your car to attend a party that will, in part be unsupervised, drop cans of beer do you “continue the journey in silence?” The answer would have been
Click to expand...
to deposit the offending party (s) back at their parents’ front door immediately and tell them they have until the next morning to 'fess up because that is when you will be calling them yourself.

I can understand what you did, Tim. Sometimes incidents like this can catch you off guard, and you only realise afterwards what you ‘should have done.’ The advice from every1 else here is good. Speaking as an 18-year-old, I must say there is a chance it may make you unpopular for a while! But you must do what is right.
 
I don’t know, maybe I’m a bit dense.

Before we get to the issue of what to do about the girl who dropped the beer cans, maybe you could explain something to me.

What were you doing taking your underage daughter to a party that would be unsupervised?

And then, the traveling in silence. Perhaps you could explain that, too. I mean, did you confiscate the cans, or did she just push them back into the bag?

And then, after knowing that the party was unsupervised (you did know that, didn’t you? Or did you just take your daughter and her friend to a party without inquiring?) you continued on with the trip, taking your daughter to a party at which at leat one of the attendees was bringing alcohol?

And you are asking what you should do about the other child and her mother?

And you really want me to give an opinion? :whacky: :yup: :nope:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top