Advice on Annullment

[Augustine]

I’d like your advice on how to apporach my wife about asking her to file for annullment of her previous marriage.

We’ve talked briefly about it before, but as his former husband was abusive, she’s weary of the emotional stress, although we’ve been “married” for over 14 years.

I can’t say I’m totally comfortable with that, because the annullment may be denied. But being away from the Eucharist and being barred from furthering my spiritual life (e.g., by joining a 3rd order), is too much to bear.

God bless.

 

[1ke]

Augustine:

I’d like your advice on how to apporach my wife about asking her to file for annullment of her previous marriage.

We’ve talked briefly about it before, but as his former husband was abusive, she’s weary of the emotional stress, although we’ve been “married” for over 14 years.

I can’t say I’m totally comfortable with that, because the annullment may be denied. But being away from the Eucharist and being barred from furthering my spiritual life (e.g., by joining a 3rd order), is too much to bear.

God bless.

Maybe it would help if you bought a book or two on the subject that she can read on her own and have some time to “process”. The whole thing can be intimidating, especially if you aren’t even sure exactly what the process entails, etc.

I’ve not been through it but have friends who have been. There are some good books available at Catholic bookstores and online.

Perhaps follow this up with a directed retreat. Call a local retreat center and see if they’ll do a private retreat for the two of you focused on the Sacrament of Marriage. Perhaps that will have a motivating effect also.

 

[AmyS]

Augustine:

But being away from the Eucharist and being barred from furthering my spiritual life (e.g., by joining a 3rd order), is too much to bear.

God bless.

This right here is a great thing to tell her, it is straight and to the point. I am assuming she was married in the Church the first time… It has been a long time and it might not be as difficult as you think… My annulment was easy, but, I was married in a civil ceremony. Encourage her to talk to your priest… or, do you have someone who works with the people going through annulments? we have one at our church, you might too…

 

[Veronica_Anne]

Fear not.

And pray.

Do your own homework about finding out everything you possibly can about the process of going through a request of delcaration of nullity before you approach your wife to request her to take that step.

You may be surprised to know the truth… which is that even just the process of going through requesting a decree of nullity is healing.

That is part of the fruits of the process.

Don’t let the “legal” type language of the titles of the roles of the folks who are part of the process scare you.

All a declaration of nullity (annulment) is… is a declaration that for some reason that is determined from hearing how things were AT THE TIME OF YOUR WIFE’S TAKING THE MARRIAGE VOW with her first husband making that same marriage vow on that same day of their wedding had signals that for some reason (of which only one of the particular and specific reasons) named by the “tribunal” (see… I told ya… don’t let the “legal” term of “tribunal” scare you off) existed (for either one of them… or both of them) on the day she and her first husband exchanged matrimonial vows that prevented that marriage as being of a sacramental nature.

Her former husband doesn’t even have to be part of the process, especially considering the abuse that she received from him.

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Here’s a great site about annulments in the Catholic Church that you might find to be very helpful:

motherofdivinegrace.com/bulletins/Annulments.htm

Understanding Annulments

Can you earn them, buy them, block them? Many well-meaning Catholics puzzle over the process of annulment. Here are some answers. By John T. Catoir, J.C.D.

Why Is the Church So Strict About Marriage?

What Is a Church Annulment?

What Are the Usual Grounds for an Annulment?

How Much Does an Annulment Cost?

What Is the Internal Forum?

MY HEART GOES OUT to the many good people who have suffered the tragic breakup of their marriage.

I would advise anyone in such a situation not to be afraid of the Church’s rules and regulations. Guidelines exist for the good of society, but we realize that individuals are saved one by one. Sometimes the general rules set up to achieve justice fall short of the target.

The late Bishop Fulton Sheen explained that there are two kinds of truth: “An outer truth is one we master, for example, the distance of the sun from the earth. An inner truth is one that masters us, for example, God is merciful to the penitent. Outer truths of physics and chemistry come to us without desire, sorrow, pity or emotion. Inner truths carry some emotions with them and influence behavior.”

I received my doctorate in canon law in 1964 and have worked for the marriage tribunal of the Diocese of Paterson, New Jersey, for many years. I was in charge of it for nearly 10 years and now serve part-time as a presiding judge on the court of second instance (roughly similar to a civil court of appeals).

Over the years I have been asked hundreds of questions concerning annulments in the Catholic Church, but here I will answer those most frequently asked.

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Here’s a book about annulments:

Annulments and the Catholic Church
Author: Edward Peters, J.D., J.C.D

catholiccompany.com/product_detail.cfm?ID=4674&AID=117&new=yes

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Here’s a site that treats things delicately, which perhaps might be of help for you:

oncecatholic.org/story_marriage.html

I’m saying prayers for both your wife and for you… that you each have courage, and wisdom, and strength through all this.

Overall, do not be afraid. Trust in God.

 

[Veronica_Anne]

Veronica Anne:

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Here’s a great site about annulments in the Catholic Church that you might find to be very helpful:

motherofdivinegrace.com/bulletins/Annulments.htm

Understanding Annulments

Here’s more from that same Web page:

**Why Is the Church So Strict About Marriage? **

The Roman Catholic Church teaches that a new marriage cannot be initiated while a previous marriage still exists.

Whether or not you agree with the Catholic Church’s teaching, at least know that it is based on a time-honored interpretation of the words of Jesus, “What God has joined together, no human being must separate” (Matthew 19:6).

A civil divorce puts a marriage asunder and bestows the right to remarry. The Church does not acknowledge the right of civil authorities to dispense from vows taken in church.

Divorce has become commonplace in all walks of society, even in marriages where there are children. Some parents put their own happiness before the good of the children. Others are more conscientious and terminate their marriage to save the children from a dysfunctional family situation. In either case the children suffer. The Church tries to minimize this suffering.

Divorce contributes to as many as three out of every four teen suicides and four out of five psychiatric admissions. The children of divorce are much more likely to drop out of school, have premarital sex and become pregnant outside of marriage than youngsters in intact families.

Young adults from ages 18 to 22 who are from divorced families are twice as likely to have poor relationships with their parents. They show higher levels of emotional distress as young adults than those from intact families.

Our culture has so trivialized sexuality in the last 30 years the divorce rate has doubled, and the number of divorced adults has quadrupled.

This does not mean that all divorcees are bad people, not at all. Many of them are saints-in-training who gave more than 100 percent to make their marriages work. Sadly that effort was not enough because, as everyone knows, it takes two to tango.

It should be noted that divorced Catholics are not excommunicated from the Church. They are considered Catholics in good standing and they have the right to receive holy Communion as long as they have not entered an uncanonical marriage.

The only way a divorced Catholic can remarry lawfully in the Church is by obtaining a Church annulment.

**What Is a Church Annulment? **

An ecclesiastic annulment is a declaration by the Church that a marriage which was thought to be valid was not legally binding. This might be because of some defect in the consent given on the day of the wedding, or possibly a defect in the psychological capacity of one of the parties.

When an annulment is granted, the Church is not saying that there never was a marriage. The union certainly was a sociological fact, and the memory of it may even be cherished, but the legal contract on which it was based turned out to be invalid.

Canon law declares that all the children born of an annulled marriage are legitimate. The unfortunate designation “illegitimate” is hardly used anymore, but it is technically reserved for those born out of wedlock, which is certainly not the case in an annulled marriage

 

[Augustine]

Thank y’all from the bottom of my heart for your responses and prayers.

I’ll delve into the literature suggested and in prayers.

May God bless you and count you among His.

PS: for the sake of clarity, my wife’s former husband was only verbally abusive to her.

 

[Veronica_Anne]

Augustine:

Thank y’all from the bottom of my heart for your responses and prayers.

I’ll delve into the literature suggested and in prayers.

May God bless you and count you among His.

PS: for the sake of clarity, my wife’s former husband was only verbally abusive to her.

You’re welcome.

Um… listen… “only” verbally abusive is still abuse. It counts as damaging to her on the receiving end of it as well as to him who caused it. Verbal abuse counts as a sin. It counts as abuse just as much as emotional, physical, or psychological abuse counts as sin.

I can appeciate that one way folks sometimes use to cope is to minimize in their thoughts what the damage is and was. Don’t take the cloak of denial from her. If she’s using denial as a coping mechanism, then it’s working. And she’ll use it as long as she needs to use it.

For yourself… just know that verbal abuse IS abuse. Pure and simple.

Knowing that verbal abuse is abuse is knowledge that will help YOU to deal with HER having been abused by him… even if it was “only” (no such thing as “only”) verbal abuse. It still harmed her.

And by relativity, his verbal abuse of her has harmed you, as well. I hope that you, yourself, have the courage and strength and peace necessary to cope with her having been abused. That (those) event(s) of verbal abuse have touched you in your life.

Ya see?

Please don’t discount the fact that her having been abused by him has touched you in some way. It has. Please continue asking and talking about it… because by talking about it that will help YOU to deal with how it’s touched you on YOUR end of all this.

If you’re comfortable with keeping us up to speed with how it’s going for you, I hope that you will stay in touch and let us know how this journey of healing is going for you.

I continue to keep you in my prayers.

P.S. For whatever it’s worth for whether you are able to take what I say to heart for having some kind of credibility, I worked at a mental health organization (in the offices) that treated both kids and adults who have been harmed by abuse in one way or another. One person’s abuse of another in any way, shape, manner, or form (even if it’s “only” verbal abuse) is like a pebble or rock being dropped into a calm pond which keeps going and going like the Energizer bunny until healing happens.

Please trust that the healing WILL happen. God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good!