Advice on dealing with secondary infertility?

[Rosalie]

We struggled to have our first child, and we are in the same boat again. We’ve been trying for a long time now, and have had an early miscarriage and no “sticky” pregnancies. I’m trying not to be bitter, but failing miserably. I don’t know how to joyfully embrace this cross like the saints say to do. All I’ve ever wanted is a big family. I hate being an only child. Every time I see another family with nine kids under 12 or whatever, I feel like I’ve been stabbed. Every time I hear someone complain about NFP failing, I get so angry because I would give anything to have that “problem.” I’m trying to just be happy with my child, and I could be if I wasn’t surrounded by fertile Myrtles almost every single time I step outside or if I just knew for sure we were done. I try praying for them or trying to think of how their lives are difficult, but it doesn’t really help. I stay off of social media for the most part, but I can’t avoid this stuff in real life if I want to be a functioning person or an active part of our apparently extremely fertile and affluent parish. I’m constantly hearing about Irish twins and honeymoon babies.

I don’t understand why this is happening to me again. I’ve been crying almost every day and I think I need to go see a therapist because my mental health is plummeting (I suffer from anxiety, PTSD, and episodes of depression that get worse during periods of great stress). I can’t just stop charting or whatever because I need to take medication to have a chance at conceiving. And I feel like no one takes me seriously when I need to vent because “my friend has been trying for 20 years with no baby, so just be grateful.” That sort of response ignores my very real suffering and just makes me feel worse because then I feel heartbroken for her and very guilty.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Secondary infertility for a lot of people falls under the category of disenfranchised grief (“what are you whining about, you do have a kid”).

I’ll remember you in my prayers, It’s hard to trust in God’s will, it can take a real and heroic effort.

Many years ago a well-meaning local Catholic radio personality was going on and on about the “good” Catholic families who were open to life and had about a zillion kids.
I emailed him, (I was very stung by his words), and reminded him that sometimes God says no. And some other stuff as well, but that is neither here nor there.
A couple days later, he read my email online and actually apologized.
Sometimes people aren’t mean, just insensitive.

But anyway, maybe there is an online forum for this. I knew of one years ago, but it became inactive, but maybe google it?

I’m so sorry. Here’s a cyber hug :hugs:.
FWIW, the Holiest of Families only had one Child…

 

[Dlee]

I’m so sorry for your pain. I would definitely seek a counselor to help you deal with your grief. Your emotional self is very real and physical. I remember that I could not be around pregnant women after my miscarriage. It is awfully difficult. I’ll pray for you.

 

[Rosalie]

Yes, it’s very hard when those with huge families are lauded as some kind of hero purely for having a ton of children. And if you point out not everyone can have children or many children, they say of course it’s not their fault because it’s not their choice. I’m so tired of the “good Catholic family” stereotype being a family with 6+ children. A family with one child or three children can be just as Catholic and holy and open to life as a family with ten children, even if infertility is not involved. But it really seems that in some Catholic circles, particularly on the internet, holiness is directly correlated to how many children you have or want to have. I’ve seen people say that those who claim not to be able to afford or handle having unlimited children just aren’t making it a big enough priority, as if we are quiverful fundamentalists!

Thank you for your prayers and suggestions.

 

[Rosalie]

Thank you. I’ve been meaning to look into it, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing these things in front of my child, and plus it would be so difficult to try to supervise her while also talking to the therapist. And of course no one has appointments on the weekend! I can’t imagine how anyone who has a full time job is able to seek counseling. $25 a week plus whatever a babysitter would charge in this area is just too much.

If I hadn’t lost baby Francis, he or she would be due in two months

I’m sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I’ve friends who found treatment from the Pope Paul VI Institute to reverse secondary infertility.