Advice on Godmother

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Proudrc2013

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Hi this is my first time positing here, and I have been having a really difficult time lately. Ever since my Godfather died this year I feel like me and my Godmother are drifting apart. We use to do things together when he was alive. Now she does not really invite me to things or to go places, but she treats a nurse she has barely known for a year like family, and it really hurts my feelings. We always sit beside each other at Mass but today I could not even sit near her I was so hurt. When I walked up and sat beside her she barely acknowledged me but when this nurse came up and sat down she told me to move over and stared a big conversation with her, I was so hurt I just got up and moved to the back I don’t know how to handle this because I am starting to feel like I do not even love her anymore 😦
 
OP, have you considered that your godmother’s behavior is part of how she is grieving her husband’s death? She has suffered an enormous loss. Perhaps this new friendship with this nurse (did she perhaps meet this nurse as part of her husband’s care?) is helping her grieve. Maybe spending so much time with you is painful for her because it reminds her of her husband, or she finds it awkward to try and figure out how to interact with you without her husband present.

I don’t mean to downplay how hurt you feel by your godmother’s actions, but perhaps she needs some space for right now and doesn’t know how to communicate that well. In time your relationship may heal, but it will likely not stay the same as it always was. Trying to force it to stay the same may do more damage in the long run.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are and how old your godmother is?
 
It is not polite to shove one person aside in order to have a conversation with another that you don’t include in the conversation, but give her some room.

First off, you do not know that this other friend is not in some particular need that your godmother isn’t at liberty to tell you about. Besides, it is your godmother’s prerogative to treat this lady like another sister, if she wants to. Do not be jealous because she is kind to someone other than you. For all you know, this friend is also helping her in her bereavement or helped her when your godfather faced his death in ways that you do know nothing about. It may be that she helped your godmother in her time of deepest need, and now your godmother is returning the favor because the nurse is going through a difficult time herself. Do not presume that this nurse does not deserve the special place she has with your godmother, then, whatever you do. That is not for you to judge, not even if you were your godmother’s blood daughter.

You do have room to ask if there is a rift that you do not know about. When there is a rift like that, it is gracious (and wise) to ask if you have done something to offend the person who seems to have cooled to you, rather than jumping in and telling her that she has offended her. Heaven forbid that you have unintentionally hurt your godmother by what you have done or failed to do, and then attack her because her feelings were hurt by your thoughtlessness. So when you bring this up, open the conversation by asking if you have done something to offend her.

When you have done that, really listen to what she has to say. Be open to what she has to say. Do not judge what she has to say as if you have a demand to make on her and she has to have an excuse not to do as you want her to do or if she is required to carry on after her husband’s death just as she did before. Not only has she suffered a great loss, but there is also a limit to what a godmother has a duty to do for her goddaughter. What you have had with her is mostly from the goodness of your godparents’ hearts, not something you ever had a right to. Do not presume that this goodness is something you are entitled to, OK? You are used to it, you have returned it in kind, but you are not entitled to it. It is something you have been giving each other by mutual kindness, so keep the relationship on that level.

If you have someone else you can talk to about this, someone you know will keep what you have to say in confidence, that wouldn’t be a bad idea.
 
Proudrc2013 said:
I am 26 she is 86
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She has been good to you for 26 years. Don’t let her choice not to put you at the center of her social circle be made into a reason to slacken your gratitude for her generosity. Yes, I’m sure you’ve done things for her and your godfather, too, but her age and her position deserves some deference. You can’t repay what she has already done, so do not use this disappointment as a pretext for cooling your affection for her. If she would rather have a little more distance in your relationship, that is something you can decide together, but don’t let this recent thing erase decades of good will that she has built up with you. Most goddaughters don’t get anything like what you have, OK? Be thankful and be good to her in her old age.
 
I understand it is just hard to love someone so much and seem to be drifting apart. Unfortunately in my life I have had a hard time loving and bonding with someone. Now that I have with my Godparents it makes me sad to see that seem to slip away.
 
Your godmother is old enough that I wonder if she isn’t having some cognitive deterioration.

We had a family connection who at some point, as her memory deteriorated, started to pull away from previously close people. As we discovered, a lot of the reason was that she was having trouble pulling herself together and remembering stuff. It’s no doubt exhausting and depressing to interact with people when your mind is slipping and you can’t remember the stuff you know you should know.

Deafness is another issue, as is the possibility that she has some embarrassing medical needs that impair her ability to do stuff she used to.

It’s quite possible that some of this stuff was developing during her late husband’s lifetime, but that you didn’t notice because he covered for her or he was the more gregarious of the two.

Keep Inviting her to stuff and do the stuff you’ve always done and don’t feel hurt if she says no or doesn’t reciprocate. Maybe befriend her nurse and find out if there is something you could be doing to help your godmother. You’re old enough that you should start taking the initiative in the relationship.
 
Deteriorating vision may also be an issue.

In general, physical and mental deterioration is typical of that age, and it may contribute to a decrease in interest in normal activities. Also, “loss of interest in normal activities” is typical of depression, which would not be surprising in a recent widow.
 
Proudrc2013 said:
I understand it is just hard to love someone so much and seem to be drifting apart. Unfortunately in my life I have had a hard time loving and bonding with someone. Now that I have with my Godparents it makes me sad to see that seem to slip away.
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Even good relationships have an ebb and flow in intensity. Your godmother is 86; it is very good that she is still making friends. You should, too. She is 60 years your senior; she can’t be your everything, nor can you be hers.
 
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