Advice on husbands wandering eyes

[Bonnie]

There is a word that is used as a synonym for cat that is also slang for female genitalia.

I once used that word for my kitties on this forum & it was deleted. What does one call the willow that grows in my yard - kitty willows?

If we were to stop using every word that has, at one time or another, been perverted, then we wouldn’t be able to say much.

 

[MaryT777]

No woman wants a man who has his eyes on every woman.

I agree with this. A married man should have custody of the eyes and avoid of staring and or “oogling” over women in front of his wife.

It’s simply a respect matter.

For that matter staring and commenting on a woman’s appearance especially when married is simply disrespectful to a wife and women in general.

Call me old fashioned.

Mary.

 

[felsguy]

My dear wife always maintained that she would suspect something was going on if I pretended NOT to notice an attractive woman.:yup:

 

[AdamP88]

My dear wife always maintained that she would suspect something was going on if I pretended NOT to notice an attractive woman.:yup:

Really, that’s weird. Most women don’t want to know if you think the woman walking past you in the street is good looking. I certainly don’t care to know if my wife thinks some guy has nice muscles. Some things are better kept inside.

 

[EasterJoy]

No woman wants a man who has his eyes on every woman.

A great many women are also creeped out by men who “look them over.” The rule that says it is rude to stare applies regardless of why you’re staring.

Is it unrealistic to cover yourself with more tattoos than a vandalized freight car and then expect people not to look at them? Yes. It is still rude to stare. Life’s rough, that way.

I agree with the other posters that the OP should blame herself if her husband has been trying hard enough not to notice other women that she has never noticed him noticing, but that she found out he noticed by asking him about the topic point-blank. It is not fair to blame him for admitting to temptation, not when he has actually done his best to be faithful and the admission of difficulties in the area was more-or-less pried out of him.

The practical side of this is that if you don’t get over this and appreciate that he was open with you when you asked to hear about difficult things, you may find that he won’t make the mistake of opening up to you about uncomfortable topics again. That’s a difficult choice for you, but the consequences of your choices will probably be the natural ones.

 

[JanetF]

I know that it is difficult for men to always control their thoughts when it comes to an attractive woman walking by. While this is a natural cross most (if not all) men to carry, it is still hard to wrap my head around it sometimes.

While randomly talking with my husband about emotionally cheating, we got on the subject of impure thoughts coming to his mind sometimes and how he actively needs to fight them. Probably not for the best, I asked him to elaborate on the thoughts. This sparked an argument and myself feeling very hurt and himself feeling very guilty.

While I trust my husband and know he is a good man, it is hard for me to know these sexually objectifying thoughts come to his head about random strangers from time to time.

I am seeking advice from fellow Catholic sister’s who deal with this.

Never ask a question that you don’t know the answer too. I can understand that you were hurt, but it’s not fair to get mad at him about this.

Have you ever admired an attractive man? Personally, as long as no one acts on the thoughts and the thoughts are fleeting, then it’s perfectly normal.

Agree with advice to pray to St. Joseph.

 

[pensmama87]

Never ask a question that you don’t know the answer too. I can understand that you were hurt, but it’s not fair to get mad at him about this.

Have you ever admired an attractive man? Personally, as long as no one acts on the thoughts and the thoughts are fleeting, then it’s perfectly normal.

Agree with advice to pray to St. Joseph.

This is a key point for me - until the wife specifically asked, she did not know. That means that her husband is probably doing a pretty good job of maintaining custody of the eyes, but also knows that he’s human. I get the anxiety and worry over what your husband thinks of you. I’ve been there. But it’s not healthy to dwell on, and keeping aware of your own shortcomings is helpful in that department.

I don’t like the vibe that I’m getting from some of the posts that a furtive glance or once over is OK. I can get the idea that one notices. I’m a woman and I do, sometimes, notice attractive men. But I don’t seek it out, and I try very hard to not “indulge” even if my husband isn’t around. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I find the attitude that “as long as you eat at home” to be rather disturbing. There’s a difference between recognizing our own sinful inclinations and then giving people (or yourself) a pass to indulge them.

But yeah, don’t ask your husband to disclose these kinds of things that are only going to cause you pain. You’ll go nuts doing it, and it puts him in a really difficult position where no matter what, you’re going to get hurt.

 

[Joe_5859]

This is a key point for me - until the wife specifically asked, she did not know. That means that her husband is probably doing a pretty good job of maintaining custody of the eyes, but also knows that he’s human. I get the anxiety and worry over what your husband thinks of you. I’ve been there. But it’s not healthy to dwell on, and keeping aware of your own shortcomings is helpful in that department.

I don’t like the vibe that I’m getting from some of the posts that a furtive glance or once over is OK. I can get the idea that one notices. I’m a woman and I do, sometimes, notice attractive men. But I don’t seek it out, and I try very hard to not “indulge” even if my husband isn’t around. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I find the attitude that “as long as you eat at home” to be rather disturbing. There’s a difference between recognizing our own sinful inclinations and then giving people (or yourself) a pass to indulge them.

But yeah, don’t ask your husband to disclose these kinds of things that are only going to cause you pain. You’ll go nuts doing it, and it puts him in a really difficult position where no matter what, you’re going to get hurt.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I don’t think you understood what I wrote.

I’m surprised there are so many people here who are willing to admit their familiarity with porn movies!

You guys seem gung-ho to convert everyone to the porn culture. Sorry - you’ll have to peddle your porn talk somewhere else - I’m not buying it.

Say what you want, lady. Just trying to be educational.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I once used that word for my kitties on this forum & it was deleted. What does one call the willow that grows in my yard - kitty willows?

If we were to stop using every word that has, at one time or another, been perverted, then we wouldn’t be able to say much.

You do not have to accuse others of being dirty when they tell you (In a nice way BTW) what certain phrases mean these days. Its called trying to be helpful. Not convert you to smut culture or whatever you accused people of on this thread. And lots of people on these threads have gotten over a porn addiction in the past. Not everyone came into The Church without a previous life of sin. Its is not for you to look down on them and give a “Im shocked” comment regarding what people may or may not know about porn. A messed up attitude toward people can be a sin too for your info. And the “Bow chica wow wow” thing has been common knowledge for decades. Also, I work in construction. You would probably have a heart attack if you heard everything I heard on a daily basis on the job site. It does not mean I engage in the stuff I hear my co workers talk about.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

It’s not porn culture so much as pop culture. As I say, I’ve never seen a porn movie (or seen any type of porn, actually). I’m just a young Catholic mom of three children.

I’ve never seen Jaws either, but if I tell someone I’m going to the beach and they start humming the Jaws theme song I know they’re trying to tease me about sharks.

Likewise, if someone said, “Bow chica wow wow,” I know they’re referencing something sleazy and sexual. That’s just what it means.

Anyway, I don’t think anyone is trying to convert anyone to anything. LaughingBoy and others just want to point out to those that weren’t aware that using a phrase like this has certain connotations to most of the other people who hear it.

Yet, I am peddling porn culture You pointed out exactly ALL that is was trying to do.

Thank you for backing me up. I hate to admit it but being accused of something dirty just for trying to help bothers me.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Too many post about ‘bow chica wow wow’ to quote. But I just want to say, I NEVER heard it before and had NO idea it could be see as referrencing porn. I though it was more of an innocent ‘hubba hubba’ but now, bring on all the threads to argue about that expression.

But in all sincerity, LaughingBoy, thank you for pointing it out

 

[Aggie414]

I’ve been following this thread but haven’t commented.

This line is kind of the crux of the issue of my post: “While randomly talking with my husband about emotionally cheating, we got on the subject of impure thoughts coming to his mind sometimes and how he actively needs to fight them. Probably not for the best, I asked him to elaborate on the thoughts. This sparked an argument and myself feeling very hurt and himself feeling very guilty.”

I equate this to all the hubub going around with the new Miss USA. She’s asked a question, she answers honestly, she’s castigated in the press about it. The OP asked her husband to elaborate on his thoughts, he did, now she’s mad. There’s no evidence the OP’s husband has ever acted on any of this thoughts – and let’s be careful when we start throwing stones at someone who has thoughts but doesn’t act on them because we’ve ALL had an impure thought about something at one time or the other and didn’t act on them. If you say you haven’t had one, you’re probably lying – either to yourself or others.

I think in many ways this is why husbands do not want to get into involved conversations with their wives – because when they talk about their feelings, thoughts, et cetera, they get blasted for it even when they’ve done nothing wrong.

 

[felsguy]

My dear wife always maintained that she would suspect something was going on if I pretended NOT to notice an attractive woman.:yup:

Really, that’s weird. Most women don’t want to know if you think the woman walking past you in the street is good looking. I certainly don’t care to know if my wife thinks some guy has nice muscles. Some things are better kept inside.

Maybe so. All I can say after 43 years of marriage is that I was hesitant to ever say I knew what one woman was thinking let alone most women.

 

[AdamP88]

Maybe so. All I can say after 43 years of marriage is that I was hesitant to ever say I knew what one woman was thinking let alone most women.

Seriously? You really think most wives want to hear: “Oh darling, look at that woman, she’s super attractive!”

 

[felsguy]

Seriously? You really think most wives want to hear: “Oh darling, look at that woman, she’s super attractive!”

Goodness no, I never suggested that. In my original comment I was simply sharing that my wife would prefer that I was always totally honest with her rather than to pretend that I didn’t notice an attractive woman and in my second I was somewhat tongue in cheek pointing out that my many years of marriage to this wonderful woman taught me the pitfalls for us men to claim to speak for all or even most women.

 

[twf]

Seriously? You really think most wives want to hear: “Oh darling, look at that woman, she’s super attractive!”

Some wouldn’t mind. Depends on the context as well. Sometimes my wife will comment, when we’re watching a show together, that an actress is very pretty. I’m not expected to vehemently disagree…that would be a cruel trap.