Advice on wayward young adult

[sue_g]

This is a hard one to write. Does anyone have experience/advice for me on the following: (Please - no comments that start with “you should have”

1. Just-turned-18 and just -graduated son has decided that the house rules are not his to have to go by. He had told me a couple of months ago he wanted to move into his friend’s fixed-up garage (it is an apartment) on the parent’s property. The parents are non-Christian and have a hands-off style of parenting. I forbid it. When I look back on the past schoolyear, his behavior was headed this way, but it really did deteriorate after graduation. when he took off for an entire weekend (with a car he shares with his brother), I hunted him down, got the car back, and told him it would be a good idea to stay in the friend’s place. After I got the car home, I found my tent in the trunk that he had snuck out as well as some empties of Smirnoff and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Of course, he blamed it on someone else.

He deliberately got an E on his Calculus AP final. He refuses to tell me why.

He has lied, and i cannot tell when he is lying. He told me twice he had put his open house/graduation money in savings. He lied, and it is all gone. So I’m assuming he lied about not drinking. This is the worst that I have dealt with, but it has been brewing below the surface for a year.

This is my dilemma:

He is accepted to a Christian university and has also been accepted to play football for them. He keeps saying he plans on going and even shows up to fill out paperwork and make himself available for things like getting the sports physical, etc. He has signed up for classes and has filled out the paperwork for the loans. Sometimes I feel like I should continue to get him there to get him out of this crowd. But then other times I think that it would be wrong to send a known discipline problem down there and cause the staff and fellow students grief for having to deal with his immaturity and lack of intent to be Christian.

How do universities (esp. Christian) really feel about students like my son coming into their system??

Thanks in advance.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Sue,

I am not a doctor, but your son sounds depressed. Depression, from my understanding, is usually chemical (meaning an imbalance in the brain chemistry that can be righted through medication) or situational, which is usually triggered by stressful situations or life transitions–such as becoming an adult and leaving childhood behind by graduation high school and attending college. Situational depression is often remedied through counseling with a profession. There are many warning signs of depression, and the erratic, acting-out behavior you describe seeing from your son sounds like an indicator.

I assume that since he plays football, he has regular physicals. Will he need to get one again before he plays again in the fall? Perhaps you can call his doctor in advance and discuss your concerns with him, so he (the doctor) can know the appropriate questions to ask that will hopefully elicit a response from your son indicating a desire or need for help.

If you feel that is not an option, what about just sitting down with your son and asking in a gentle and non-confrontational way…“Honey, I love you and I see behavior from you that worries me… How can I help you? Let’s come up with a solution to help you feel better and make good choices…” and just see what he says?

Is there an adult, outside of your family, that your son trusts? What about his former coach? Your pastor? Could you confide in either of those individuals and explain to them your fears and worries, perhaps asking them to talk with your son?

The Christian schools I have been affiliated with, from grade school to college, all took a rather hardcore approach about underage drinking, drug use and promiscuous sex (just to cover the basics ). Students were asked to sign forms upon entering the school, university, etc. that clearly stated their intention to abstain from underage drinking (as well as PROVIDING alcohol to minors), drugs and sexually immoral behavior. Being caught in these situations led to undesirable consequences–depending on the academic ladder, possibly suspension and even expulsion when certain individuals chose not to comply on a repeated basis. In my experience, image is very important to Christian/Catholic institutions, and some (but definitely not all) who take their need for good appearances very seriously.

If you do choose to pursue the counseling route, here is a website you can access to look up your city and state and find a Catholic psychologist: catholictherapists.com . Hope this helps!

Many Blessings to you and your family.

 

[Princess_Abby]

But–and I meant to say this before! I would NOT just deprive your son of the college experience–many valuable lessons are learned during those years, especially with a positive peer group. (Although, unfortunately even the best Christian and/or Catholic schools have a few or many individuals who might not be the best influence upon him.)

However, the idea of possibly not getting to attend his school of choice, if his current behavior continues, might be a good motivator for him to seek help and/or change. Tuition is an expensive thing to come by…

Get a professional opinion!!! College is very expensive and if your son needs to be sorted out–sort him out, THEN pursue further education, when he’s healthy.

 

[CARose]

Hi,

I’m not certain that counseling will work in this situation. I believe in counseling, but I believe I just heard Dr. Ray Garendi say that for this developmental stage kind of stuff, it has an extremely low rate of success. On the other hand, if your son is willing to participate, then he may be mature enough to get something out of it. Just don’t dispair if he’s resistant (and certainly don’t insist, as he has to want to be there for it to have any chance of helping).

I tutored a young man a couple of years ago who seemed to be going through a similar thing. He was keeping up “appearances” of being a good kid, but he refused to work on his homeschool curriculum, even though we’d gone ahead and gotten him accepted into two excellent colleges. All he needed was to complete the work, get his diploma and go to the school of his choice (one local, another out of town).

It was really an opportunity for me to learn to provide the tools, encourage and then learn to step back and require him to take responsibility. The part that got me the most was seeing him lie. He wasn’t lying to me in any way that I couldn’t see, but I strongly suspect he and his girlfriend had taken their relationship beyond where it should be. He was refusing communion (at least he had enough sense to not profane the Eucharist), and he wouldn’t attend confession either. We had just had Jason Everett speak at our parish, so I opened the topic by asking what he’d thought of his program. His answer confirmed my suspicions, “How would he know what he’s talking about, he’s never even done anything” (Jason wasn’t yet married).

I gently told him, without providing anything to suggest why I might know, that one thing I had learned in my life is that once that line is crossed, it will be crossed again, and more easily each time. And in each encounter we give away a piece of our soul to the other person. By the time we get married, we no longer have all we want to share with our spouse, part of us has been squandered. We do real damage to our future relationships through lack of Chastity. This is something that is too rarely discussed.

I shared conversations designed to encourage him to look at the sinfulness of his actions, but presented in a non-judgemental manner and then other conversations suggesting he consider where he wanted to go. As time progressed, and he sank further and further into a combination of depression / fear of success withdrawal from making any progress, I attempted to force him to realize that his taking no action was in fact a decision and would generate results. I suggested that perhaps he really wanted to simply take his GED exam and test out of HS (this would not allow him to matriculate at the schools to which he’d been accepted), but perhaps that was what he wanted. If not, he’d need to find another solution, because we were not making the necessary progress.

Between tossing it back into his court, ensuring he understood that the natural consequences to his actions were of the sort that adults (such as himself) deal with for the rest of our lives, so he wouldn’t be able to paint me, or his parents or anyone else as the Bad Guy if he didn’t get what he wanted.

And then, I hit the pews kneeling! That kid did wonders towards my salvation, as I really got serious with my prayers. Here I had this great kid self-destructing in front of my eyes!

He finally requested that his parents place him in a local private school so he could do his Sr. year in a classroom setting (he needed to see his performance against others to KNOW he deserved his grades). He’s gone off to college and is presumably doing well.

I still pray for him on occation.

CARose

 

[sue_g]

CARose:

Thanks for reply. If I may compare my situation to yours, my son is going along with all details to go off to college. Having already sent two kids to college, I know that I have to lead the way as far as initiating paperwork, etc., but he is not balking at having to fill out forms, get the physical, sign up for classes, etc.

But he has moved out of the house and is living in a situation with no parental discipline and what i term a “flophouse” with kids in and out at any time of day or night.

So my dilemma has to do with whether I should continue to move forward with the college plans or if I have a responsibility to the college to not send someone who is demonstrating himself to be rebellious.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Nicole]

sueg,

My oldest is 12, so I have no experience, but I would say move ahead with the college plans. It might be the best thing to get away from the friends he has now and go to college.

I guess there are two scenarios. One, he goes off to school in the Fall or two, he is playing along and has no intention of going. Do you think that is possible? Once he is there, he is responsible for his situation. If he breaks the rules, he will be out and he has to face those consequences. Maybe that responsibility will be good for him?

It’s hard to say, but I do wish you all the best.

God Bless,
Nicole