Advice please: i don't think my husband is worthy of my obedience

[deletedaccount]

hi y’all, hope you’re having a good day.

our problems aren’t too unique, we’ve been together for over a decade and married for 5 years. no kids, not able to because of our jobs. we were raised differently on different sides of the country, we’re different. long-term we have complimentary goals but day-to-day i don’t think my husband is worthy of my obedience.

any advice, please, for a stubborn depressed girl and her secular husband - no therapy

(ps: at the time our church isn’t doing private meetings with the priest and the last time i went to confession it was out in the open with people walking by listening to every word. on a plus note I was sitting under the stained glass image of our Blessed Virgin Mary so that was nice)

happy to provide more info per your request. thanks so much for reading

looking forward,

• J

 

[Lou2U]

Hi @deletedaccount, welcome to CAF!

What would obedience look like for you? Does he expect you to obey him, or want you to? What does it mean when you say you don’t find him “worthy” of it?

 

[Lou2U]

Obedience would be homekeeping duties, probably cooking his every meal, not talking to my narcissistic parents because he asked me not to, not starting fights about how he let a female coworker drive his truck but I’m not allowed because I accidentally gashed it one time a few months after the truck got stolen and I only drove it because he left it outside in the exact spot that happened in

So these are things he expects from you? And if you don’t do them, you feel you are a bad wife? Or does he tell you if you don’t do the above, then you are a bad wife?

Sorry for all the questions! I’m just trying to understand a little more about the dynamics in your relationship.

I definitely think your marriage as it stands is not a healthy one. Is there no way at all you could seek out counselling? Or just you go to counselling by yourself? I think it would really help.

 

[deletedaccount]

Your questions are spot on and welcome

They’re not expected of me but it would be nice. I do feel I’m a bad wife for not doing these things because he won’t. I don’t get told I’m a bad wife but I do get reminded of my generally cold tendencies when it comes to anything deeper than a joke and also when I’m being unbearable

Yeah we’re kind of not healthy and living more like roommates than husband and wife for almost 2 years. We did try counseling last year, we had individual sessions and he stopped attending saying that he didn’t need it but wanted me to keep it up solo

 

[F_Marturana]

Obedience isn’t part of the vows a Catholic wife makes.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Sounds like you have some issues to work through as a couple and as individuals. If he won’t do marriage counseling together, what about individual therapy for you?

 

[Buks]

If you’re working I wouldn’t agree to doing all of the housework and cooking unless you feel like it. If you feel like it because you cook better than him and he isn’t all that sloppy, ok. Things should be reasonably fair.
IMO it sounds like you should be talking with your parents occasionally - a spouse wanting to cut that communication would almost never be wise, or charitable, and sounds practically sinful. An occasional talk to try to improve things, while accepting their flaws, is better.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Catholic women don’t “obey” their husbands. We don’t even have the word “obey” in our wedding vows.

Not sure where you got the idea that Catholic women are supposed to obey. I only ever hear that sort of thing in a Protestant fundamentalist context.

Catholic spouses are equal partners.

Obedience would be homekeeping duties, probably cooking his every meal, not talking to my narcissistic parents because he asked me not to, not starting fights about how he let a female coworker drive his truck but I’m not allowed because I accidentally gashed it one time a few months after the truck got stolen and I only drove it because he left it outside in the exact spot that happened in

This isn’t appropriate subject matter for “obedience”. These are each individual conflicts that you both have to work out, as equals, not as one person giving the other person an order.

It’s also not appropriate for him to be telling you to not talk to your own parents. It’s one thing if you make a decision to avoid your toxic parents and he just backs you up, but it’s not his decision to make whether you talk to your own family or not.

As for how you divide up the household work, that’s something to discuss and work out with him who’s going to do what. You don’t have some requirement to cook his every meal; an adult should be able to prepare at least basic food for himself and if necessary the rest of the family, even if it’s just sandwiches or microwave dinner, in case you got sick or disabled or something.

As for “not starting fights”, you’re allowed to have a reasonable discussion with your husband over something like use of the family car and his relations with some co-worker. He doesn’t get to tell you to just be quiet and follow whatever he says.

 

[1ke]

You have serious issues that have NOTHING to do with this idea of obedience.

You DO need help from a professional, you say “no therapy”… that’s like a person who is seriously ill saying “no doctor”. This is WAY beyond what advice on an anonymous internet forum can assist you with.