Advice Please!

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TamaraS

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I was wondering if any of you would be able to give me some advice about something. I am married with two children, a six-year old and a four-year old. When I was 17 years old I became pregnant, and I decided to put my baby up for adoption (for other reasons I won’t get into, beside the fact that I was a kid myself, this was the very best thing to do for my child). I’ve never shared this with my children that I have now, but I want them to know about this. I would hate to just drop some big surprise on them when they are adults, or if my son I put up for adoption decided he wanted to meet me. Is there a good age to talk to a child about this? Do I just sit down with my 6-year old son when he reaches a certain age and tell him everything, or do I try to start sharing this with him now in a way he may be able to grasp and answer questions as they come up over time? Hope this doesn’t sound dumb, but I am hoping that someone may have had a similar expeience or know someone else who has. Thanks!
 
My sister was in the same predicament. Her daughter was adopted out in a semi-open adoption, I believe my sister got occational letters / photos from the adoptive parents. I don’t know for certain when she told her two daughters from her husband, but they were pre-teen, teenage when the first daughter looked her up and re-established contact. I wish I could give you a good answer as to how she handled the situation, but I really don’t know the answer. Unfortunately, my sister and I aren’t close, so I can’t even just give her a jingle and get a good answer for you.

Hopefully my response will bounce your message back to the top and perhaps someone will answer it with something more helpful.

CARose
 
Hmm.

My situation has similarities to yours, though it’s not really the same thing…my father and his ex-wife had a son. It was a very bitter divorce and my father did not see his son (my half-brother) until just recently…after about 25 years.
We did, however, know that he existed, because though it wasn’t something always talked about, we were free to ask questions. I don’t ever remember my parents sitting us down and telling us directly. They simply shared bits and pieces of the story, and as we got older, we kinda put the bits and pieces together…
At this point I would suggest maybe doing the same thing with your son, as he is old enough now to pick up what adoption is all about. Like, start off mentioning that you had a baby when you were younger, and as he puts it together and the questions naturally arise, answer them.
It worked for us, anyway. 🙂 Good luck to you and God Bless you for having your baby and doing what was right.
 
Tamara, first off I want to tell you that I am an adoptive mother, so the first thing I want to say to you is “thank you” on behalf of the mother who adopted your child.

Do you have any photos of your child? Have you had any contact with the adoptive parents? If you have pictures, I suggest keeping them in an album and when you and your children are looking at them, mention that this is a brother or sister of theirs. Of course they’ll ask, “Where is he?” or “Why doesn’t she live with us?” You can answer honestly that you don’t know and that you hope someday you’ll be able to meet. I don’t think that, at the age of six, you have to worry about really in-depth questioning. You can say this sibling lives with his/her adopted family. As your children get older you can fill in the gaps.

My son has known from the age of three that he was adopted. He is 11 now and also knows that he has a 3-year-old half-brother. His birth mother lives in the area, but we arranged before the adoption to stay in touch but keep our lives separate (she, too, was seventeen and in my book, the bravest woman who ever lived.) and that all contact between her and our son would have us as mediators. That is, if she wanted contact, she would have us talk to our son first and then only if there was mutual agreement. Same if our son wanted to see her, he’d have us make the initial contact. The point was to have mutual respect for each party involved. Primarily we wanted to stay in touch in the event that someday our children might need each other–for a blood transfusion, bone marrow, kidney, whatever. I don’t know what she’s told her son (if anything yet, since he is only 3) but we know that sometime in the future, there will be a reunion of sorts.

I don’t know if this helps, but I will pray for the Holy Spirit to help you find the words. God bless you!

BlueRose
 
I would speak to your kids about adoption first. Perhaps if you know of an adoptive family that would be a good place to start. Talk very positively about adoption—it’s simply another way to make a family. “Some Moms can’t grow babies in their tummies—God wanted them to adopt babies” . Talk about how adopted kids grew in another mom’s tummy. Then as they get older, you can begin to explain little by little why some moms aren’t able to raise the babies that grew in their tummies, so another mom raises the baby, etc. By the time they’re ready to hear about your first child, they will have a very positive attitude about the whole situation, and it will be easier for them to accept it. You sound like a very kind and sensitive person. I’m sure you will handle it beautifully. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
I think six is a little young to start talking about a sibling who’s not present. A child of this age might start to worry about having to leave himself.
I would wait until he’s a little older, maybe eight or ten, and then maybe if you have photos in an album, mention him then. Or maybe in your prayers together, and pray for him.
Of course you want everything out in the open, and that’s wonderful. Hopefully someday you’ll all meet. But meanwhile, I would make sure that bringing him up doesn’t cause insecurity for little ones. Children of that age basically care about being kept safe themselves, they’re not really interested in the family tree.

I also thank you for making your adoption plan. I’m very grateful for my two adopted children, and wish I could tell their birthmothers, but can’t contact them.
 
I agree that six years old is awfully young to unload the “entire” story on, especially because they would not be able to undrstand the reasoning behind my “giving” a child away and never seeing them again. I wouldn’t want him, or his little sister to not feel secure. I was kind leaning in the direction also to only share a little at a time and answer questions as they come up. Thanks for all of your advice everyone!
 
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Viki59:
I also thank you for making your adoption plan. I’m very grateful for my two adopted children, and wish I could tell their birthmothers, but can’t contact them.
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Oh yes—ditto on this!! I’m an adoptive mom too. I have 3 children, 11, 9, and 5. We are so grateful and love them sooooo much. I’m sure your child’s adoptive parents feel the same. God bless you.
 
If you yourself decide NOT to tell your children about their half-sibling, is there any way they could “accidentally” find out? (anyone in the family who knows who would think they had to go behind your back and inform them?)

I personally see no reason to tell them at all at this time, or anywhere in the near future, unless there is a good chance that they are going to find out anyway.

I just don’t think that they would benefit at their age from the knowledge. If you think it would serve some purpose, then by all means, tell them… but I wouldn’t.

I would reconsider if I had a teenager who seemed to be in danger of getting pregnant (or getting some girl pregnant)… I would then use my own experience to help them understand how serious the situation really is…(how painful it is to give up a child, how tough it is to be a single pregnant teen etc)

So I vote NO unless there is some value in it. So what if they find out when they are older or adults? I don’t think they will be angry with you for keeping private things private and protecting their security.

Just my 2 cents.

Malia
 
Boy- that last one is a tuffy. I have friends who found out when they were adults that they had an adult brother that their parents put up for adoption a long time ago. Their mother and father felt it wasn’t necessary to share it with them and because adoptions were so closed back then, they thought that their children would never know and so there was nothing to be gained from sharing the info. Well, I’m not sure how, but their son found them when he was an adult and the situation sort of blew up in the parents’ face. Their children that they have now were also grown up when everyone found out and I think that they were upset that such a huge thing was kept from them. They were also very excited to realize they had a “brother”. I think everything is fine now, but it was a pretty big deal at first. While I have completely moved on from my experience and I am at peace with the thought I may never meet my son or his family, I would not be at all surprised if someday that they want to meet me and my family. I do agree that you can tell your children much more information before they need to know, but I’ve always tried to be an open and up front person. I think sometime keeping secrets in the long run can be very harmful to relationships. Does that make any sense? Thank so much everyone again!
 
Sorry TamaraS if you thought my post was a “tuffy”.🙂

I guess I listen to a bit too much Dr.Laura on the radio so I hear about situations like this all the time. What it boils down to is:

It’s your decision. You are the mom and you know your kids best. If you think they should know, and can tell them in such a way that you can guarantee it won’t disrupt their security or give them nightmares that they too will be given away, then you do what you need to do.

I just worry that too many parents may make their decision out of a fear of what will happen years from now if the kids find out. I worry about what will happen the moment they find out… I hope you can understand my reasoning:confused:.

I wish you all the best and hope that whatever decsion you come to that you and your family always have love and happiness.:tiphat:

Malia
 
I have absolutely no advice whatsoever, I just wanted to say :blessyou: ! What a brave and selfless woman you are for giving your child a life you could not (at the time). I am sure your son’s parents thank God for your selfless act everyday.
 
3 weeks ago my MIL told us that when she was in college she had a baby and gave it up for adoption. Last year this 47 year old woman contacted her! (out of the blue and quite a shock)

My hubby (previously the oldest child in his family) is now 40 and he is OK with it.

We have several friends who grew up knowing of siblings that either had been given up for adoption or were born previous to wedlock with another woman.

It can work either way if the family is loving and honest. In a family where deceit and mistrust are the rule, it will be one more excuse to hate.

You sound very loving and well intentioned. I think that you would probably do fine to share it with your kids. I do not know if I would bring it up with a 6 yr old or not. That is tricky. There are so many aspects that such a young child simply could not grasp. If they have a friend who is adopted, a concrete example of how things can turn out, that might help.

I guess, I might wait till the youngest was a bit older.

best of luck to you, and thank you for bringing that life into the world.

cheddar
 
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