Advice please

  • Thread starter Thread starter Premillenial
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

Premillenial

Guest
My husband is driving me crazy. He has been out of work for a year now and is still spending money on air conditioning!!! and other stuff. He has ADHD and he wants to talk with me all the time–i should explain our children are off at grandparents’ invitation for a month and this is the first day they are gone.

I don’t know what to do about his wanting to talk to me all the time. I can’t get anything done and I don’t even have a chance to pray except in the bathroom.

I feel all jumbled up because he talks about the terrible state of the world and I am teying to ignore that because I find it so depressing bit I can’t do anything about it. He complains about this and that that is local. I feel jerked emotionally all over the place really rapidly.

I am not sure how to handle all this! Please help???
 
Are you sure you meant to write “air conditioning”?

In a lot of parts of the US, air conditioning is a basic life necessity, right up there with food, air and water.
 
Welcome to CAF! 👋

I am sorry to hear of your present turmoil. I hope that other, wiser posters hop in soon to offer better advice, but I will offer what I can. :o

I can understand where you are coming from. My father-in-law also likes to talk all the time (a trait that he has graciously passed on to my daughter :p). He’ll even talk to himself when no one else is around.

I think part of it is just that different people process things differently. Some people process things best through writing. Some through reflecting. But others do so through speaking.

It’s tough for me to give any sweeping concrete advice given that the limited information to go on, but I would suggest talking to him about your frustrations (in as non-judgmental a way as you can, of course). If he likes to talk and you like quiet time, then the two of you will need to work together to find an acceptable compromise. Schedule out “talking time” and “quiet time” if that’s what it takes. And then stick to the schedule. Try it out for a week and then talk about how it’s going to see if it helps or hurts the situation.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Premillenial said:
My husband is driving me crazy. He has been out of work for a year now and is still spending money on air conditioning!!! and other stuff. He has ADHD and he wants to talk with me all the time–i should explain our children are off at grandparents’ invitation for a month and this is the first day they are gone.

I don’t know what to do about his wanting to talk to me all the time. I can’t get anything done and I don’t even have a chance to pray except in the bathroom.

I feel all jumbled up because he talks about the terrible state of the world and I am teying to ignore that because I find it so depressing bit I can’t do anything about it. He complains about this and that that is local. I feel jerked emotionally all over the place really rapidly.

I am not sure how to handle all this! Please help???
Click to expand...
Sorry to hear about the unemployment. Many of us are in the same boat.
Be glad that he wants to talk. Many men descend into a pit of silent despair when not working, and they suffer the anxiety from not being able to support the family.
If it tries your patience, remember that he needs you more than ever. Marriage is 100-100, not 50-50. Sometimes you carry them, sometimes they carry you.
Ask him to chip in with those things you want to get done. More hands make light work, and he’ll feel good about helping out.
I hear you about the air conditioning. We can’t afford it either. I bought a oscillating fan at Target for $25. We carry it from room to room.
Praying for you,
pianist
 
My husband talks to me all the time .The difference is he can see when I’m engaged in a task and allows me quiet time to think. In addition to the constant talking, it’s the random “Hey look! A rabbit!” stream of consciousness content that is driving you nuts, correct?

He needs treatment - get him scheduled with someone. Quickly. He’s going to continue impulse buying and his social and interpersonal interactions are going to prevent him from getting a job. Not to mention his organizational skills and low attention to detail may have him not even getting interviews. If I were the interviewer, I’d pick up that ADHD and wouldn’t hire. (Unless I was hiring for a sales position. Then, I might consider it.)

Have him start some self-management strategies like “swallowing his voice.” Present to him why it’s a problem for you and how it’s a larger problem for him in his interpersonal interactions and career, then when he interrupts to say something random, help him identify whether it was a thought that needing sharing. Just because he thinks it, doesn’t mean he should vocalize it. You can tell a child “swallow your voice,” but you might want a different code word for your husband. Maybe “filter.” I hate being spoken to when I’m transitioning - e.g. leaving the house, checking out of a hotel, gathering things to move from one spot to another, and, if my husband is talking to me I simply say “transitioning” in a pleasant voice.

Until your hubby gets some meds and therapy, look into some natural and holistic ideas. I’ve had friends who have had lots of success with cutting processed foods, Omega 3s, etc for their children who exhibited a very low level of symptoms. Several of the kids didn’t go on to need meds, they did behavioral strategies and the holistic things. Others went on for meds, and the docs they worked with supported the addition of the natural and holistic things.
 
A year to get a job? Like it or not he may be a little to picky. Income is income and times like this mean taking what you can get not what you want. Tell him you don’t care what job he takes but to take one sooner than later. Tell him talking about all that is wrong with the world won’t change it and that you are too busy to talk all day when there is work around the house to be done.

Next time he starts with the excessive talking hand him the mop, a broom, the vacuum, a duster or have him load the dishes or cook dinner and clean up. While he is busy with one task you get busy with another. If you have a yard he needs to be working on the lawn, weeding, trimming or whatever it takes to keep him busy. He just might start liking the idea of a regular job.

There is always manual labor jobs out there, fast food, truck driving, delivery drivers, whatever. There is no such thing as a job that is beneath anyone, so if that is the argument it is a lame one. Otherwise it sounds like he needs to move home with his parents while you continue on with your job and life until he gets work again.

I don’t buy the “I can’t get a job.” stuff at all. If you are healthy you can do almost anything until the job you really want comes along. You can collect trash if you have to, in order to support your family. People need to get over the “it’s not the job for me.” rubbish.
 
Is he on ADHD medication? My wife suffers from severe ADHD. Sometimes when she is talking up a storm, I’m like, “Honey, did you take your medicine today???” 😃 We both laugh about it. My wife takes a high dose of meds for work and a low dose for things like social gatherings. Were you used to him regularly taking ADHD medication when he was working? With my wife, if she takes her medicine at 8:30 am, I can still notice a difference at 6 pm in the evening.

Loving someone with ADHD can be stressful at times! Having good communication helps. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Perhaps you need to set boundaries like “honey I’m working right now” or “I don’t want to talk about that because it depresses me.”

JMR
 
How about telling him, for his own good, that he should have a physical check up…
And have him assessed , but speak to a doctor first about your concerns before you take him along
 
Cricket2 said:
A year to get a job? Like it or not he may be a little to picky. Income is income and times like this mean taking what you can get not what you want. Tell him you don’t care what job he takes but to take one sooner than later. Tell him talking about all that is wrong with the world won’t change it and that you are too busy to talk all day when there is work around the house to be done.

Next time he starts with the excessive talking hand him the mop, a broom, the vacuum, a duster or have him load the dishes or cook dinner and clean up. While he is busy with one task you get busy with another. If you have a yard he needs to be working on the lawn, weeding, trimming or whatever it takes to keep him busy. He just might start liking the idea of a regular job. These are somewhat helpful suggestions.

There is always manual labor jobs out there, fast food, truck driving, delivery drivers, whatever. There is no such thing as a job that is beneath anyone, so if that is the argument it is a lame one. Uncharitable to assume - and if you were me, I could not get hired on at some jobs based on my former union jobs, preference for migrant worker, etc. You cannot have a full understanding of this particular situation based on the op and neither can I. Otherwise it sounds like he needs to move home with his parents while you continue on with your job and life until he gets work again. Ummm, no.

I don’t buy the “I can’t get a job.” stuff at all. If you are healthy you can do almost anything until the job you really want comes along. You can collect trash if you have to, in order to support your family. People need to get over the “it’s not the job for me.” rubbish. Again, to extrapolate all you have from the little information that was provided leads any reasonable person to conclude that you have no desire to help, but are merely venting about things that bother you.
Click to expand...
To the OP, none of us can offer medical advice. However, this type of perserverating sounds an awful lot like autistic spectrum disorder? What formal testing has your husband had? Would this be something worth looking into?

You are in my prayers! :hug1:
 
grasscutter said:
To the OP, none of us can offer medical advice. However, this type of perserverating sounds an awful lot like autistic spectrum disorder? What formal testing has your husband had? Would this be something worth looking into?

You are in my prayers! :hug1:
Click to expand...
I think a full psychological evaluation is a great idea, perhaps with some career counseling.

It sounds like your husband is going to need to have a few screws tightened up before he’s going to be able to relaunch on the job market.

I don’t know about your area, but I notice that there’s a lot of entry level hiring around here. The job market seems to be tightening up.

The bad news is that he’s driving you nuts. The good news is that his energy level is a gift, and may enable him to do a lot better job-wise one of these days.
 
Xantippe said:
I think a full psychological evaluation is a great idea, perhaps with some career counseling.

It sounds like your husband is going to need to have a few screws tightened up before he’s going to be able to relaunch on the job market.

I don’t know about your area, but I notice that there’s a lot of entry level hiring around here. The job market seems to be tightening up.

The bad news is that he’s driving you nuts. The good news is that his energy level is a gift, and may enable him to do a lot better job-wise one of these days.
Click to expand...
Yes! In my last post I didn’t make it clear (because I figured it didn’t apply - and it totally doesn’t, I just wanted to be clear the compassion and empathy I have for those seeking work right now). I am employed full-time and am going to quit to start college in August. However, there are so many barriers to employment that the general public doesn’t seem to understand. One doesn’t “just get a job picking up trash to support the family” anymore because we don’t live in those times where such jobs were readily available. Now, even for the most basic job, one needs to have so much more. Hopefully, the local employment centre can offer some help…
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top