Advice request for a friend

[Fatima_2012]

A friend of mine has just recently been divorced. His wife was unfaithful to him and even after the infidelity was discovered would not even work with him to go to counseling to see if they could save their marriage. I have become someone he has turned to regularly and am trying to comfort him during this time. It can be difficult as my friend doesn’t really believe in God. I pray for him regularly, which he knows and appreciates. Just recently, we were talking and he brought up to me that he “hates” the guy she has been seeing (while they were married and now continue to see each other). He asked me if that was bad, to which I know it is bad - we should never hate anyone (while we aren’t required to “like” everyone, we must “love” everyone). I am at a loss for words though on what to say to him. He is also tempted to not be flexible with his ex-wife by taking them on days when she asks him (due to him finding out she just wants to go out and drink, party with friends, or meet up with her boyfriend). I told him to concentrate on what he wants and his kids, and not do anything due to spite and to be vindictive. It is very difficult as most things that come into mind are from scripture and the bible, but at this time that wouldn’t be much benefit to him.

I know there are so many things here, but any advice on helping others go through difficult times like this when they are essentially nonbelievers would be helpful.

Thank you!

 

[marymary1975]

I think your advice is right. Hate is a very destructive feeling that in the long.run will only affect him and his kids. I can totally understand that he feels hurt and how frustrating his situation is, but hate, as I read somewhere else, is just a way to allow someone to live rent free in your mind and destroy your mind from the inside. He needs to be able to forgive and move on specially for the sake of his kids. So please insist to him that he needs to let the hate feelings go. Remind him that he won’t be able to build a new future for himself if he remains attached to past feelings and feelings of hate. Explain to him that forgiveness is not about condoning what his wife did but about freeing his own self from the pain. Maybe if he understands that forgiveness has to do with him, not with her, he will be.willing to let go.

As to him not taking the kids when she requests, and I write this as someone who has worked in the past with many couples going through divorce, tell him that he needs to start thinking more about his children and less about his own self. What you have said is an extremely common situation in most divorces and the reason why people do this is because they are obsessed with taking revenge over their ex spouse and/or to try to keep control over the ex spouse after the marriage. Taking this position is very immature and the problem with this attitude is the only victim who will be affected are the innocent kids. Has he thought that there are many legit reasons why she can ask him to take the kids. I remember once having a case of a man with the same attitude refusing to take the children one night the mother asked him to do so, the father said his reason was that he never accepted those requests so the mother won’t go out. Well the reason that night was that the mother was actually sick and had no one to take the kids to go the hospital, eventually the mother had to be taken by ambulance and the police had to take the poor kids who had to spend a whole day and night at the police station just because their father`s desire for revenge. That is not healthy for the children and what he would be thinking is in spending time with his children and how to help them navigate this difficult time, not using his kids as a revenge weapon against his ex spouse. That is immature, uncharitable and a parent who does that does not care about the kids. Please call him to reason. He is a grown up so he can deal with this. He needs to face this in a mature way and focus on his children.

 

[robwar]

A friend of mine has just recently been divorced. His wife was unfaithful to him and even after the infidelity was discovered would not even work with him to go to counseling to see if they could save their marriage. I have become someone he has turned to regularly and am trying to comfort him during this time. It can be difficult as my friend doesn’t really believe in God. I pray for him regularly, which he knows and appreciates. Just recently, we were talking and he brought up to me that he “hates” the guy she has been seeing (while they were married and now continue to see each other). He asked me if that was bad, to which I know it is bad - we should never hate anyone (while we aren’t required to “like” everyone, we must “love” everyone). I am at a loss for words though on what to say to him. He is also tempted to not be flexible with his ex-wife by taking them on days when she asks him (due to him finding out she just wants to go out and drink, party with friends, or meet up with her boyfriend). I told him to concentrate on what he wants and his kids, and not do anything due to spite and to be vindictive. It is very difficult as most things that come into mind are from scripture and the bible, but at this time that wouldn’t be much benefit to him.

I know there are so many things here, but any advice on helping others go through difficult times like this when they are essentially nonbelievers would be helpful.

Thank you!

I think you should not get involved here in taking sides or trying to help beyond that of a friend. He should go to a counselor that is trained to help him with the divorce and it’s aftermath which includes anger. You sound like a very caring friend and are trying to be so but giving him advise on the child hand off etc is delving too far and too much. Divorce is terrible and you don’t know the whole story in the marriage since you weren’t in the house. I would keep an arm length, tell him that you are praying for him, suggest him to still get help, suggest that he try to go to church. We can’t give advice third person here but caution you not to get sucked into this.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

A friend of mine has just recently been divorced. His wife was unfaithful to him and even after the infidelity was discovered would not even work with him to go to counseling to see if they could save their marriage. I have become someone he has turned to regularly and am trying to comfort him during this time. It can be difficult as my friend doesn’t really believe in God. I pray for him regularly, which he knows and appreciates. Just recently, we were talking and he brought up to me that he “hates” the guy she has been seeing (while they were married and now continue to see each other). He asked me if that was bad, to which I know it is bad - we should never hate anyone (while we aren’t required to “like” everyone, we must “love” everyone). I am at a loss for words though on what to say to him. He is also tempted to not be flexible with his ex-wife by taking them on days when she asks him (due to him finding out she just wants to go out and drink, party with friends, or meet up with her boyfriend). I told him to concentrate on what he wants and his kids, and not do anything due to spite and to be vindictive. It is very difficult as most things that come into mind are from scripture and the bible, but at this time that wouldn’t be much benefit to him.

I know there are so many things here, but any advice on helping others go through difficult times like this when they are essentially nonbelievers would be helpful.

Thank you!

I wouldn’t get too involved. You weren’t there and you don’t know the whole story. He should go to a counselor who is trained to deal with these type things. The emotions he is feeling are normal for the grieving process and a trained professional will help him channel those feelings. Let him know that he is in your thoughts and prayers and tell him that he should talk about his feelings with a professional.