Afraid to bring up convalidation with my wife

[1ke]

I have a hard time believing that the catholic church would think it’s ok for one spouse to unilaterally change the meaning of their marriage behind the others’ back. Thats wrong and sad.

This fixes the OP’s relationship with the Church, not his wife’s.

It is not sad, it is a great act of mercy to the Catholic party.

Can.* 1164 A sanation can be granted validly even if either or both of the parties do not know of it; nevertheless, it is not to be granted except for a grave cause.

 

[Usige]

I’m going to go ahead and caution against this. The idea of going behind your spouse’s back to get your marriage made “real” seems dangerous to me. If I ever found out that my husband did that we would have some very serious issues that would at the very least require counseling, if not a temporary separation.

I never said he would need to do it without her knowledge. Radical sanation is there so that those who believe their consent to has been valid since the beginning can essentially get a retroactive dispensation. In esscense one could consider it fixing paperwork that should have been done earlier if one had known.

My point is if both spouses feel their consent has always been valid then RS is a better option then couching a convalidation as a simple vow renewal. RS recognizes the marriage with what she likely considers the wedding date as opposed to a new date when the con validation is done. That is generally more palatable to someone that thinks the Church has no right to rule on the validity of their marriage.

 

[KellyPalmer]

I agree with the PP who stated this is the perfect opportunity to bring this up. You can explain that one of the reasons for the Church requirements on marriage is to be sure that a person is free to marry in the first place as a baptized Catholic. Following the rules prevent a person from ending up in a second marriage. There are many people who suffer this unfortunate fate – they marry and it doesn’t work out then they marry again, have kids, build a life and then come back to the church. What are they to do? Their first marriage was valid. They didn’t know the teachings of the church that a valid marriage can not be undone by any man. That’s another reason the rules are in place, to ensure that a baptized Catholic does not enter into this grave situation that there really is no good solution for. Then you can explain that the Church just asks you and your wife the same questions that would have been asked had you married in the Catholic Church originally, for all of the same reasons.

Yes, she may be hurt at first but this is nothing that can’t be overcome. Is this really worth keeping you away from Jesus in the Eucharist? Jesus came to bring division among families. It happens. But it is so worth it!!! And you and your wife can get past this!

Talking to your Pastor is a great idea! Our Pastor was very careful not to insult the marriage we did have and made sure to recognize that God was a part of our initial marriage even though it was not a valid sacramental marriage in the Church. I’m sure you are doing this already but definitely continue to pray for God to soften your wife’s heart on this issue and I will pray too!

She’s fully supportive of me returning to the church, but she’s still a bit dubious of the church itself. She was only moderately ok with me putting our daughter in faith formation. I haven’t sold her on having the kids baptized yet, but I’m working on it.

What’s wild is that when I just came home a few minutes ago, she was asking me about the rules on marriage in the Catholic church if one of the people had a previous marriage and divorce. One of her employees was telling her that he and his wife of 20 years wanted to get remarried in the church, but since he had a previous marriage there were complications. She was asking me what the rules on that were and why. I did my best to explain how the church takes marriage very seriously, not something you can just jump in and out of, and how he would have to settle his first marriage with the church (not just a legal divorce) before they would let him have a Catholic wedding with his current wife. Her response was “That’s just stupid. If he wants to renew his vows he can go to any of those other churches and have it done. They’ll marry anybody.” So can you see what I’ve got to work with…

The timing of the conversation couldn’t be more uncanny, though. I’m still running that through my mind. A sign? If so, is it telling me to talk to her about it, or warning me not to, lol. Or just a coincidence? Either way, talk about timing.

I’m just afraid this could open up a rift between her and the church, which I know would affect our marriage. Nothing as severe as divorce, of course, but it would definitely affect some aspects, since I am getting more and more involved with the church and am getting the kids involved as well.

I have an appointment with my pastor this thursday, so however it’s going to happen, I’m definitely getting the ball rolling this week. I just hope it goes better than I think it might. I would be delighted to learn I was simply overthinking my wife’s reaction, lol. I know her, though, and I can’t see her accepting this as simply procedural. She’ll take the church’s view of our marriage personally. Of that I’m confident.

 

[speakttruth]

Try to think of it as a positive rather than a negative. Rather than focusing on how the Church doesn’t recognise your marriage as valid, why not focus on how the Church wants to bless your marriage and call special graces upon it (ie make it sacramental in the Catholic sense). So describe it to your wife in that positive way.

And don’t focus on what was wrong before, but on how this helps you return to the faith as fully as possible, and this is a practical way for your wife to support you in that. It is essentially about you and your relationship to the Church, not so much about her.

In truth, there is little required of her, other than giving her consent to marriage. Technically it’s not a renewal of vows, but arguably there’s no real harm in her viewing it that way. I’m sure your priest can help you work out how best to approach it.

I’m sure you’ll be able to resolve this.

 

[speakttruth]

I think you should give her a chance. It almost sounds like the thoughts you are having are a desolation. Unless there are bigger problems, your wife should be able to accept this even if it does upset her, at first. I think you can engage in a dialogue with her tha will allow her to be ok with it in the end.

I would stress that this has nothing to do with whether God was present in your wedding but rather the obligation you had as a baptized Catholic to marry within the Catholic Church or get a dispensation. If you had both been southern baptists born and raised and you were entering the Catholic Church, your marriage would be considered valid in the eyes of the Church. Don’t you think this would be a consolation to her? You can go on to explain why, that the reasons these rules exist is to ensure you are aware of what the Sacrament means and how that should be played out in daily married life (no contraception, etc) and for the raising of children. Obviously, that didn’t happen (raising children Catholic) at least not yet.

I speak as someone who had their marriage convalidated after 13 years of marriage. I wish I had married in the church in the first place because I would have been given the information that prevented me from initially raising my children in accordance with the Catholic Church. And I would have been given information about the sacrament of marriage and love and sex per the teachings of the Church that I had no idea about until more than a decade into my marriage.

My husband was also raised Southern Baptist so I understand your concern. My husband was able to understand, accept and support the need for a convalidation. It helped him to know that it was me, not him – ha ha. It was because I my obligation as a baptize Catholic and nothing more.

good to know. My son married an Anglican outside of the Catholic church, and had not been a practicing Catholic and I am hoping some day he comes back with her. I had a reversion after they were married and now I wish I knew my faith at the time, it might have made a difference, but this gives me hope.
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