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cleofet

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Sorry but I have to vent. I was in the process of taking my 82-year-old mother from Philadelphia who recently found out that she has Lymphoma to live in New Orleans with my husband, our 24-year-old son and myself. It is a very long story but suffice it to say that my mom has major depression problems and will not take medication for it. We went to Phila. the Saturday before Hurricane Katrina to pick her up and we left Phila. on the Wed. after to return to New Orleans. We were not allowed in because everyone had evacuated. We had to go to my sisters in Georgia. My husband and I had to go to Ft. Worth, TX for our jobs with the Federal Govt. and mom had to stay in Georgia. Mom doesn’t get along with my sister (or anyone else) so now because I can’t go get her this instant she says she is going back to Phila. We told her that not this week but next week we would take a week off from work and pick her up in Georgia and bring her to our home in New Orleans (the homes in our area had little or no damaged inside at all) and she could stay there with our two adult children until the Government says we can go back to work there which will be about 2 or 3 weeks more. When I asked her where she would go she said to stay with my brother. My brother is very sick and his wife has cancer and is in the hospital. I have been arguing with her for 3 and a 1/2 weeks now and this was the last straw. My sister e-mailed tonight and said that last night mom asked her to drive her to phila. I said let her go!!! I feel like a horrible daughter but don’t know what else to do. Pray for her please (and for all the rest of us) . 😦
 
My prayers are with you and your family. During this difficult time please stay close to the Lord. Have you considered a nursing home? Maybe your Mom can be more independent in a nursing home that has the staff to provide her with the medical attention she will need. There are many Christian homes (I am a nurse in one) that will support your Mom’s medical and spiritual needs.
 
We tried this 5 years ago when she had a stroke. She wanted no part of it. She was a very independent woman and feels like she doesn’t need anyone. She refuses to accept that she is getting older. The stroke didn’t leave many physical residuals but her emotional state went right in the toilet. She was always a touch on the depressed side but after the stroke I noticed it more. Now after she found out about 3 months ago that there were Lymphoma cells in a small lump behind her ear she has gone ballistic. She would not go for the PET scan to see if it was anywhere else in her body and any little thing that happens she attributes it to the lymphoma and she says she is going to die. Maybe I can talk to my brother and between the three of us kids we could find her an assisted living home in Phila. I will do some research tomorrow. Thanks for the prayers.:gopray2:
 
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LSK:
YOU ARE a WONDERFUL daughter and you are in my prayers
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Yes. If Philadelphia is the city that means “home” to her, then you are not a bad daughter for letting her convince you to let her go back there, nor a bad daughter for convincing her to have a try at living closer to you.

Until she’s lost her faculties, your mom is an adult. She had to learn to let you make your own decisions at some point. It is okay to let her keep making hers. Encourage her to do what she should, but unless you think her judgement is very seriously impaired, don’t feel guilty for respecting her wishes when you and she differ on the best course for her.

It is heartbreaking to see someone you love deal with a disease like depression, but like alcoholism, you can only do so much. Continue to encourage her to seek treatment for all her illnesses, and to work with her doctors, but don’t beat yourself up if she decides to do otherwise.

Do know, though, that while doctor-patient confidentiality keeps her doctors from telling you about stuff she doesn’t want shared, it does not keep you from sharing information with the doctors. If she’s keeping information from them that they need to treat her effectively, then rat her out. Let her neighbors know that they are welcome to rat her out to you, too. It takes a village to drive and old lady nuts. 😉
 
**I am praying for you and your siblings. This communication is very important. When Outsiders or those generations removed from the situation come in because they KNOW what is best things can disintegrate quickly.

GOD BLESS

**
 
I will send a prayer up for you and your family. I know how rough these things can get. In time all this will pass the most important thing for you to do is pray.

God Bless
Kathleen
 
10/13/05 New development. Upon my mothers insistence my sister took Mom to Phila. on Sat the 8th. She took her to my brother’s house. My brother is very sick, his wife is dying of cancer, who has his son, daughter, her boyfriend, their 6-year-old daughter all living in a very little row home in south Phila. On Monday mom went out and did not come back. She did not tell anyone where she was. When my sister got back to Georgia she called my brother to see how mom was doing. He told her mom had left and he didn’t know where she was. We all called around and found out that she went to our cousin’s house. This cousin takes care of her mother who had a stroke and in completely paralyzed. Mom told our cousin to take her to a real estate agent that she wanted to buy a house. Our cousin suggested renting instead but mom said it is her money and she is an adult and she will do want she wants. She couldn’t stay at our cousin’s house so she checked into a hotel. 82 years old and making all these crazy decisions. She told our cousin not to tell anyone where she was. I talked to mom tonight and told her that I had called several hotels before I found her. This was to protect the connection she has with our cousin so she will not think our cousin betrayed mom and told us. Anyway mom insists on buying another house in Phila. She has nothing, no furniture, no cloths, nothing and there will be no one to take care of her. I suggested Assisted Living and she said that she was going to look into it on Monday. This is not what she told our cousin. She just kept telling me that she was going to do what she wanted to and that she can take care of herself. She told me not to tell my broter where she is or she will leave and we will never find her again. I finally just said ok mom go find out about the assisted living and let me know where you will be. She said ok and I said goodbye. I think she has lost it completely. It just keeps getting worse. Please keep mom and all of us in your prayers.
 
cleofet said:
10/13/05 New development. Upon my mothers insistence my sister took Mom to Phila. on Sat the 8th. She took her to my brother’s house. My brother is very sick, his wife is dying of cancer, who has his son, daughter, her boyfriend, their 6-year-old daughter all living in a very little row home in south Phila. On Monday mom went out and did not come back. She did not tell anyone where she was. When my sister got back to Georgia she called my brother to see how mom was doing. He told her mom had left and he didn’t know where she was. We all called around and found out that she went to our cousin’s house. This cousin takes care of her mother who had a stroke and in completely paralyzed. Mom told our cousin to take her to a real estate agent that she wanted to buy a house. Our cousin suggested renting instead but mom said it is her money and she is an adult and she will do want she wants. She couldn’t stay at our cousin’s house so she checked into a hotel. 82 years old and making all these crazy decisions. She told our cousin not to tell anyone where she was. I talked to mom tonight and told her that I had called several hotels before I found her. This was to protect the connection she has with our cousin so she will not think our cousin betrayed mom and told us. Anyway mom insists on buying another house in Phila. She has nothing, no furniture, no cloths, nothing and there will be no one to take care of her. I suggested Assisted Living and she said that she was going to look into it on Monday. This is not what she told our cousin. She just kept telling me that she was going to do what she wanted to and that she can take care of herself. She told me not to tell my broter where she is or she will leave and we will never find her again. I finally just said ok mom go find out about the assisted living and let me know where you will be. She said ok and I said goodbye. I think she has lost it completely. It just keeps getting worse. Please keep mom and all of us in your prayers.
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As scary as this sounds, you might need to consider getting her declared incompetent and one of you becoming her guardian. She doesn’t sound rational.

I’m so sorry, as I can’t even imagine how much this must weigh upon you.
 
She sounds alot like my 92-year-old great-grandmother. My parents have taken her in, since a little over a year ago the doctor told her that she could not be released from the hospital unless she would not be alone. In a really rough process, she went home, but her daughter, my great-aunt, stayed with her part-time. This only lasted less than a week before she was practically on her own again. She was hopitalized a second time, but afterward, she went to a nursing home.

At the nursing home she was sedated and put on anti-depressants, but she was still dangerously depressed and not responsive. After a few months of that, we all thought that she would just fade away and die. At this point, my parents offered to let her live in an addition onto their house, and she accepted.

Now that she has been there over a year, tension is growing. My parents and siblings share the responsibility of keeping her and trying to make her happy, but she is a difficult lady, and has been for as long as I can remember. She is outspoken and can’t come to terms with her dependence. She refuses to walk around, to get exercise, even to visit with the family across the hallway in the family room! She complains to anyone who will listen about how unhappy and lonely she is, or how there is nothing for her to do, yet she refuses to take the outstretched hands of visitors and of the family living in the SAME HOUSE!

I apologize to the OP for ranting here. Please, know that you are not alone in dealing with situations like this. If my great-grandmother had money, I think she would try to buy or rent her own place. Her financial situation and the fact that she never learned to drive serve as a bit of a safety net from that.

We will be praying for you, and for all who try to help the elderly and those in all stages of life to live with dignity.
 
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