Agonising over bad choices

[oliver109]

I have for long agonised over bad choices I have made, this is not helped by hearing priests at mass that our choices have consequences. I hear also that our choices either move us towards or away from Heaven and I feel that they are moving me away from Heaven. I would say my worse choices have been in how I have approached life, approached relationships, for instance I have spent much of my early and mid twenties spending long periods of time at home because I had a negative interaction with a girl, for instance I would speak to a girl at work or in a coffee shop and the conversation would become very awkward because of my nervousness(this is largely brought on by the fact that I feel God is wanting me to marry and that I cannot waste a moment with an ideal girl) anyway I feel that God has abandoned me or rather I have abandoned him and I just feel that God has not given me enough grace(after all who is to say they are owed grace? as St Augustine used to say)

 

[CRV]

this is not helped by hearing priests at mass that our choices have consequences.

That can be hard to hear as its pricks our consciences. Perhaps you could look at it along the lines of an opportunity to again tell our Lord you are sorry for the past sins, and to ask for the strength to not commit the same ones. Turn the moment into an opportunity of grace.

There are good and bad consequences in life. I’m sure you can think of examples on both sides of the issue.

I hear also that our choices either move us towards or away from Heaven

As when we do good, or away when we sin. This is life.

because I had a negative interaction with a girl,

You’re not the first and I think certainly not the last man to experience this.

I would speak to a girl at work or in a coffee shop and the conversation would become very awkward because of my nervousness

I think that is a common problem for both sexes! I also think you need to take your courage in your hands and dive in the ‘pool of dating’ again. Please don’t let one negative experience dominate your life.

I feel God is wanting me to marry and that I cannot waste a moment with an ideal girl)

Then pray to God to bring this girl into your life, if it is His Will that you marry - and be patient!!
I think based on your post you would benefit from a program in public speaking or even theatre, as this would increase your confidence in speaking and mingling with others.

I feel that God has abandoned me

God never abandons us. It is us who turn away.

I just feel that God has not given me enough grace

“My grace is sufficient for you” or words similar spoken by Jesus to Peter. Perhaps if you asked God to give you the graces you are in need of, as God has said we are to do. Ask & you shall receive etc. And keep asking.

God helps those who help themselves.

God bless.

 

[oliver109]

Thank you for your response, here is what I will add: I have had numerous negative interactions with girls, it does not help that after the interaction I get the real feeling of “oneitis” where I can go for weeks or even months without finding other girls, even the most stunning ones attractive. I don’t think it is easy to date when every experience is not smooth running. I have been to public speaking programs but it took a while for me to gather confidence but now I am not afraid of getting my point of view out in public, I am now much more happy about airing my views while I was for a long time a shrinking violet. I feel more sociable now than I was 2 years ago but I am still far removed from a loud party person. I pray but that does not guarantee anything, think of all the people that have prayed and ended up choosing the bad route into Hell.

 

[CRV]

Great that you have come so far in progressing in intermingling with others and the growth in confidence you have obtained through these avenues.

I’d just like to add another point. The girl you seek may be under your nose - sister of a friend/work collegue/people who are in your social group etc. Perhaps someone you work with?

a loud party person.

IMO, that’s not something worthwhile acquiring.

I pray but that does not guarantee anything,

No it doesn’t. We have to conform our wills to Gods’ Will. Our prayers are always answered, maybe not how we want them to be answered or when we want them answered.

think of all the people that have prayed and ended up choosing the bad route into Hell

That was their choice. God gave us freewill because He loves us. He is not going to override that. And it is because He loves us, that he respects our choices.

We can pray that God will not permit us to separate ourselves from Him by mortal sin, but we still have to co-operate with the graces He gives us to do this, by also engaging our wills to avoid mortal sin.

 

[adamhovey1988]

I really wish I was raised Catholic. But, one thing I am grateful for, is that because many of my past sins were before my baptism as an adult, those sins are gone! The guilt remains, but, I think of this way: It taught me not to do it again.

 

[oliver109]

Maybe, I don’t know where the girl I seek is tbh but there is that feeling one gets where they are with someone they are very much attracted too, where there is that burning of passion that incentivises one to marry. Avoiding mortal sin is not easy, especially when that sin is sin of thought rather than action, it is difficult to have a holy mind believe me.

 

[adgloriam]

I really wish I was raised Catholic. But, one thing I am grateful for, is that because many of my past sins were before my baptism as an adult, those sins are gone! The guilt remains, but, I think of this way: It taught me not to do it again.

@adamhovey1988 I missed you…Just last week I checked out your youtube channel.

 

[CRV]

The guilt remains,

Baptism removes all sins - personal and original up to that point. It also remits the punishment due to sins.
CA - Baptism

The Sacraments of Baptism and Confirmation FATHER JOHN A. HARDON, S.J scroll down to Removal of Guilt and Penalty for Sin

 

[adamhovey1988]

Okay, I think you misunderstand me (go read again), I didn’t say it didn’t. I even pointed out that baptism forgives sins, and if you’re going to be condescending to me, we’re gonna have a problem. When you’re baptized when you’re 21 and you committed those sins when you were 19, it’s a bit of a problem not feeling bad about them when you are in your 30s. Please go back read what I actually wrote.

 

[adamhovey1988]

Don’t get used to it, I fully intend on leaving.

 

[CRV]

I did read what you wrote before I replied.

I do apologize for interpreting your meaning re the remaining guilt to be that of temporal punishment. - not in the sense that when we look back at our life, we still don’t feel any guilt for the sins committed.

I would also ask you to please try and interpret my intended meaning in the way I meant it. I was not/am not being condescending towards you in any way shape or form.

 

[fhansen]

Just relax! And trust the Creator and Owner of the universe. You don’t have the right to be so nervous and hard on yourself etc, etc. And He said so. It’s all based on the endless cycle of pride and shame anyway, two sides of the same coin that make up a self that isn’t true to who we were created to be in the first place.

 

[Aquinas11]

I have spent much of my early and mid twenties spending long periods of time at home because I had a negative interaction with a girl

I don’t think it is easy to date when every experience is not smooth running

Note the perfectionist standard - every interaction must be smooth and if even one negative interaction then be alone. I had similar thing and it was fear of rejection. It is a perfectionist standard that says “unless I get along great with a girl , I’ll be alone” It minimizes risk of rejection since either I’m getting along great w girl or alone , thus low risk rejection. I was terrified of rejection due to parents rejection so was just continuing that pattern w women. Talked to counselor and worked through the fear of rejection from parents which then got rid most of it w women

 

[adgloriam]

Don’t get used to it, I fully intend on leaving.

Now where shall I get a heavy weight intellectual ??

When you’re baptized when you’re 21 and you committed those sins when you were 19, it’s a bit of a problem not feeling bad about them when you are in your 30s

If I may ask: are we talking about sorrow over damages suffered ?? Or are we talking about a guilty conscience ?? Because there’s a certain beauty to freedom and redemption of sin. What’s done is done. There’s no changing that. I only hope I can do the best now (and that’s a handful enough).

I really wish I was raised Catholic.

FWIW, I’m born and raised cradle catholic in one of those 90% catholic countries. Do you think that stopped me from sinning? From suffering damages and making deplorable mistakes ? Be happy that you converted when you did, I was fallen away for a good number of years.

 

[Annie]

nervousness(this is largely brought on by the fact that I feel God is wanting me to marry and that I cannot waste a moment with an ideal girl)

May I suggest that you ask God to let you know when He and whom He wants you to marry when or after you meet her? If you think each girl you meet might be the one, you are placing way too large a load of importance on each casual encounter! No wonder you are nervous!

And then to think that each time such an encounter goes badly that you may have lost the girl you were supposed to marry is rather devastating!

I think that you should get involved in a volunteer activity and in an activity in line with your interests. Something like St Vincent de Paul and rock climbing, or Legion of Mary and the Historical Society.

You are bound to meet women at these activities, and you should act just like yourself when you meet them, because none is The One. They are just potential friends. They will be at ease with you because you will be at ease with them.

In addition, I think everyone can benefit from thoughtfully and frequently praying the Litany of Humility, along with your normal routine of growing in virtue and developing the qualities which will make you a good husband, so that when the time comes, you will be in a position to get married well.

If you need to see a counselor to help you, go for it

 

[Mary888]

I have for long agonised over bad choices I have made, this is not helped by hearing priests at mass that our choices have consequences.

Priests speak about this in a general way, addressing to all people, because it is a general condition in the world today to approach life as IF there no consequences.
Don’t take it so personally.
What you describe as bad decisions aren’t the type the priest is referring to (like sinning and expecting everything to be just fine). So you are shy. Who knows what kind of grace this may be? Just don’t be afraid to live your life as it is. Luckily you are not judging yourself, but God is. Sometimes when I realize how mean I am, get so happy that God is judgining me instead of me judging me.