Alcoholism, Recovery & Marriage

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PeppyGirl

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Hello,

I am wondering if anyone else has been in this same situation and would appreciate your feedback. I am in recovery from alcoholism and have 7 years of continuous sobriety by the grace of God. I attend 12-step meetings regularly, work with a sponsor and sponsor other women. I am a cradle Catholic but have been on fire with my faith since getting into recovery, praying daily, attending daily mass when I can, weekly mass, working with our religious education program and a few other ministries.

It has been explained to me that alcoholism is a family disease and that everyone becomes sick as a result of being with the alcoholic. Therefore we all need treatment of some sort or we will not get better.

I have been married for 16 years. I went into treatment for alcoholism after 9 years of marriage. My husband at various points has half-heartedly tried different things at my request (Al-Anon, counseling, meeting with our priest). The more sober I got the more angry he seemed to get.

We were married in the Catholic church with God at the center. My husband tells me (now) that he has a hard time swallowing the fact that he (my husband) will never be #1- that I put God first, my sobriety next and him third. I go back to the fact that when we were married we both agreed to put God first.

It is at the point where we are very distant and honestly I have a hard time wanting to work on this. I continue to work very hard on my relationship with God every day praying for His will and asking for spiritual direction. I can also tell that if our relationship continues down this path for much longer my sobriety is going to start to be affected. I have talked with a priest about this. He has been very kind and empathetic to the situation.

It is not ideal to be in a marriage that is not a true loving partnership (we have 4 children living at home) but for the most part our house is peaceful but very separate. My husband was great when I was very sick with alcoholism but has had a difficult time with me being healthy and well.

Side note: I was told upon discharge from alcohol treatment that there were concerns about my ability to stay sober in my home environment given the nuances of my marriage.

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so, what did you do? Prayers for my situation would also be greatly appreciated.
 
I wasn’t in your situation so I cannot give any advices.
But I will add you to my prayers!
 
I have not been in your situation, but it’s not uncommon for a spouse who was really good at “helping” when the other spouse has some disease or problem (could be substance abuse, a physical ailment, obesity, mental health issue etc) to suddenly get resentful when the spouse with a “problem” starts to get over the problem and get well. The helper spouse often picked the relationship (sometimes unconsciously) because they wanted a partner they could “help” and thus feel good about themselves or in control of the situation or needed or whatever. They feel threatened and don’t like it when their “wounded bird” spouse gets better.

Your husband needs treatment or counseling for this if you’re ever going to have a chance of having a good marriage. Bsaed on what you’ve written, it sounds like he’s unsupportive of your sobriety and would probably on some level like it if you fell off the wagon so he could step in and pick up the pieces and have the relationship return to what he considers “normal”, which is, you sick and him the big strong helper.

Can’t say much more than that on here and I’m sure this is not a new idea for you either. You have a kind priest and I’m sure you also have counselors helping you with your sobriety. I would suggest you try to follow their advice. You absolutely MUST put your sobriety first. You cannot be putting your life and health and relationship with God (all of which would be affected by you not being sober) at risk just because Husband has a problem with the “new you”.
 
Many people have trouble adjusting to change-even change for the better! Your husband might not think he’s helping you now. Try and assure him that he is. Finances, help with the kids…just say 'thank your when it’s appropriate.

But, do not give up your sobriety for anyone or anything. It’s extremely important for you, your children, and, yes, even your husband. He may not see it now, but his life is much better with a sober wife!

Congratulations on your years of sobriety. And, of course, God Bless!

Edit

I read your first post here. You had had a serious slip after being sober for a while(yes, it was 6-7 years ago).

At that time you were concerned that he didn’t forgive you, or had forgiven you and taken his forgiveness back! Someone pointed out that you seemed to expect him to forgive you at the time you reached the ‘making amends’ step.

You were, and I expect are, expecting too much of him! You made the decision to drink; you made the decision to get sober. If he feels that Al-Anon isn’t for him, does he owe it to you to go? Make amends, get sponsors, grow in the program at the same rate? AA has worked for you. You should not put responsibilities on him. If he wants to deal with the problem in a different way, he should!

Please, don’t let the way he deals with things ruin the progress you’ve made. But I’ve never heard of someone else’s joining an organization effecting the progress you can make.

I’m not trying to put you down. But, as long as he isn’t trying to stop you from working your program, you have a very good chance.
So, let him work this out his own way!

Again, congratulations on your sobriety!
 
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You are right- he absolutely does not stop me from working my program which is great.

The issue however is that I am seen as the only one with a problem when this is in fact a family disease and we all need treatment. AA, counseling, speaking with a priest- those are all ways to get treatment and I am sure many others. I pray that my husband finds a willingness to seek treatment for himself (whatever that looks like) or we will never recover as a couple.

Thank you for your support on my sobriety- one day at a time- entirely by the grace of God!
 
Congratulations on your sobriety. Have you ever just sat down with your husband, just the two of you and discussed the changes in your life without using “recovery” language? Using the AA lingo that everyone who works the program learns?

I worked with addicts for a very long time professionally. When an addict is using or drinking the world revolves around them. The dynamics of the family depend solely on how that person behaves minute to minute. When the addict goes into recovery, that dynamic doesn’t change much, it is still dependant on what recovering addict is going through at that minute.

For your husband you haven’t changed all that much, you just switched from alcohol being your first priority to your recovery being your first priority. Although now you are telling him he is “sick” just like you are. You are using that AA language that he most likely doesn’t really get.

I am in no way saying this is all your fault, or that there is nothing you can do about it. What I am saying is stop telling him what he needs to do for you, stop telling him that your marriage must revolve around your recovery. Ask him, in a very sincere way, what he thinks about it. Ask him, in a sincere way, what he thinks needs to happen. Then just listen, really hear him, do NOT respond, especially with anger or self pity. Do NOT start talking about you or your drinking/recovery. Let that time be about him getting to tell you what he thinks and feels. It may take a few times for him to trust the process.

Quit telling him he needs “treatment”, help him see he may need someone to talk with to help him through this.
 
^^^^^^
Yes! You said it better than I did! An addict does have to go thru a lot of things, and the program lingo helps this! But, you do have to consider your husband’s point of view. And, just because someone calls it a ‘family disease’ doesn’t make it so. In a way, it is. But when your husband gets sick, you don’t have to take antibiotics, just because he does, do you?

He’s supporting your sobriety, and your fight to keep it! Give him a break!

Again, congratulations on your sobriety. Hang in!

And of course, God Bless!
 
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This makes no sense at all so ur husband wants a drunk? maybe it’s a punishment for past sins or some sort of weird expiation phase. I don’t think it will last just stay firm and pray he will come around and call him out if he persists because his attitude is bogus. Stay firm in your resolve.
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In reading the OP’s past posts, it appears her husband has more to forgive than simply getting drunk. And sometimes we mistake forgiveness for reconciliation – that is, he could have forgiven her, but not be ready to trust her again yet. That is something they’ll have to work on.

Also, as someone who spent many years married to an alcoholic, and who attended Al Anon for a long time, I can say the experience of the husband with this group is not unheard of. One thing I realized early on was that very few of the members in the groups I attended were still married to their alcoholic spouse.

And I agree with @Horton, using recovery language, particularly insisting on calling this a “family disease,” can lead the other members of the family to feel as if they are somehow responsible or to blame for the alcoholic’s drinking behavior. Which, of course, they are not.
 
Her husband isn’t really in the wrong here. Yes, she needs to stay strong in her resolve to stay sober but her husband needs to figure out his own way of dealing with her sobriety. To be told he has a “family disease” and needs “treatment” is probably not the best way to go about things.

I’m sure he doesn’t want her to start drinking again, but I would bet he feels a little like she has just switched addictions from alcohol to recovery. This is one of the things I don’t like about AA. People become addicted to AA and they never really learn how to live a life sober, they only learn how to live a life of AA. Recovery is a process of learning how to live a full life without the substance one is addicted to.
 
PeppyGirl said:
that I put God first, my sobriety next and him third.
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Just a thought, but I wonder how your husband feels about being third in line. Would it be possible to move him up one to second place. The more things that can be made right between you and your husband may help your sobriety become easier.
 
I can imagine getting ‘weirded out’ by too much jargon! Also, it may Also, it may not always be the wisest thing to prioritize out loud. Just because he doesn’t speak in AA jargon all the time doesn’t mean he isn’t sympathetic to your needs…maybe just not your way of expressing them. You went thru these steps; they mean a lot to you. But he hasn’t…so, just try and be understanding.
 
I would suggest to you that placing your husband first would not be replacing God, but rather it is a way of serving God. Do something nice for your husband then within the interior of your heart say I offer this to you oh God.
 
Thank you for the thought. Unfortunately recovery doesn’t work that way and if I take things out of order there is a good chance that I will relapse. Thus the conundrum. Also just a note- this 1. 2. 3. order- there is the teeny tiniest of distance between 2 and 3. My priest tells me that I absolutely must put my sobriety first because without that I definitely won’t have a marriage.
 
Horton when I went to treatment the therapists and psychiatrists there told my husband that this is a family disease and that he needed to make sure he got treatment for himself- those were the words of the professionals not mine. My alcoholism is absolutely my fault and my responsibility.

I realize that you are trying to come from a good place but please do not generalize about people in AA. Worst case scenario if we have traded in drinking for AA- I can think of many worse paths to take. We have addictive personalities, that is true. Living a life of moderation is a struggle for many of us and we would appreciate prayers rather than judgement.
 
PeppyGirl said:
this is in fact a family disease and we all need treatment. AA, counseling, speaking with a priest- those are all ways to get treatment
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I don’t like the language used here. Alcoholics have the disease. Their families have the effects of the disease in their lives, but they do not have the disease. To be told that I need treatment for someone else’s disease would not sit well with me either. Yes, it’s just words, but then clearer words such as “counseling with a therapist or priest” should be used.

One of the reasons it would bother me also is because the person with the disease, appears to be telling a person without the disease, that they have a “sickness.” It makes the non-alcoholic feel like someone is saying there is something wrong with them.

I don’t believe that all family members need to speak with a therapist. Some people adjust just fine and don’t like being told that they need to get help too.

I believe that people can put their recovery and their family at the same place. Obviously putting either before the other can result in failure. Always taking care of recovery and putting family third is not realistic. There is bound to be resentment. Recovery before family can seem like the alcoholic has made recovery their new addiction. The family is still left to struggle with still taking a back seat to addiction.
 
PeppyGirl said:
Horton when I went to treatment the therapists and psychiatrists there told my husband that this is a family disease and that he needed to make sure he got treatment for himself- those were the words of the professionals not mine.
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I was a treatment professional and I had issues with that language back then too. Is the family affected by the alcoholic’s drinking and recovery? Absolutely. But to tell the person who has born the brunt of the alcoholism of their spouse that they too have a “disease” is not the way to go about it. Do they need help? Absolutely. They need to learn to live differently. The egg shells they walk on are different but still egg shells.

Obviously your husband needs a different approach so why not just try something different, something that isn’t about you, something he can control, something he gets to decide. Because this I know, for the length of your marriage, during your drinking, treatment, and sobriety, it has been all about you. This is not a judgement, it is a fact based on long term professional experience.
PeppyGirl said:
I realize that you are trying to come from a good place but please do not generalize about people in AA. Worst case scenario if we have traded in drinking for AA- I can think of many worse paths to take.
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I’m not saying AA can’t be useful, it can be very helpful as a support to recovery but too many people make it a mechanism of recovery. There are other types of support groups that can take the place of AA and do a much better job.

I’m sorry you feel I am judging you because that is not my intention. My intention is for you & your family to find healing & grace and become the family God intended you to be.
 
Never give up hope in our Lord, pray for the guidance, wisdom peace and strength to do his will. With God’s help we can do amazing things.

We were at a Bible meeting, and it was asked, what is your favourite verse? A lady replied Psalm 34- 18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I said, I don’t understand and asked her why, you have a lovely family, you run a complete department at work and seem so successful and happy.

She said this was not always the case, she had gone through a very dark time in her life. Just trusting in the psalm and knowing that our Lord was there for her; was enough to lift her out and change her life.

May God bless you and your family through these testing times.
 
PeppyGirl said:
It has been explained to me that alcoholism is a family disease and that everyone becomes sick as a result of being with the alcoholic. Therefore we all need treatment of some sort or we will not get better.
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I concur with others who caution against this approach. Addiction harms the addict first and foremost, but it is not the addiction that directly harms others, but the actions taken by the addict that harm others. Al-anon could help family understand and cope with some of the behaviors of the recovering addict that confuse or harm them, but the family must attend for their benefit, the not directly the addict’s.
I have been married for 16 years. I went into treatment for alcoholism after 9 years of marriage. My husband at various points has half-heartedly tried different things at my request (Al-Anon, counseling, meeting with our priest). The more sober I got the more angry he seemed to get.

We were married in the Catholic church with God at the center. My husband tells me (now) that he has a hard time swallowing the fact that he (my husband) will never be #1- that I put God first, my sobriety next and him third. I go back to the fact that when we were married we both agreed to put God first.
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There is no upper limit to love. Loving God first does not limit how much affection you show your husband. Marriage is a sacrament, and supporting your husband is a way to honor God.

There may be a lot going on beneath the surface. Your husband may feel useful when helping you with acute symptoms of addiction. Addiction can contribute to a whole assortment of maladaptive, co-dependent behaviors in your relationship. As you become more independent as your recovery progresses, he can feel less useful and put out.

There may also be lingering resentment or frustrations that some behaviors he thought were directly caused by the alcohol have not abated. Alcohol is often used to self-medicate through difficult problems. Addiction creates a new, serious problem in and of itself. If the alcohol is removed, but the original problems are not addressed, you are left with only a slightly better situation.

There is no simple solution. You need to discuss with your husband he needs to feel like he’s not taking a back burner. There may be, for instance, some optional religious activities you forgo to give him some more time. Honor God through cultivating your relationship. You also need to watch yourself to not let his issues overly weigh you down.
 
To the original post, speaking as a fellow alcoholic, it seems the order of imprtance (IMHO) is: 1. God and 2. spouse and 3. sobriety. This is because marriage is sacrifice for our spouse and we place them ahead of our needs and desires.

The other thing I wish to touch on… to say, “is not a true loving partnership.” This only happens when all three persons are involved (God and wife and husband) and giving ourselves to each other. As a husband, I deal with this personally and so does my wife. Many years it seemed easy but, the last few years, very difficult and painful. Still, we must be the one making the important sacrifice first and always if we can.
 
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