Alcoholism, Tough Love, and Christian Charity with Family Member

[Didi]

I have a brother and his wife (second wife, married three years) who are alcoholic and drug addicted. This became apparent when we had a family emergency two years ago (open-heart surgery for my Dad) and were together for a few days. Following the surgery and our return home, I confronted my brother and asked that he and his wife seek help. They denied any problem, blamed everyone else for all their problems, and all the typical addictive behavior. Because of this, I have told him that we want nothing to do with him or his wife or their lifestyle until they seek help. This was two years ago.

I think I know in my heart that this was the right thing to do, but it doesn’t feel charitable or “Christian.” Yet I know Jesus had tough love and asked many potential disciples to make difficult decisions if they were to follow Him. He also said if a brother sins against you, to confront him with the sin; then if he denies it to approach him with two other brothers and if he continues to deny the sin that he can be excommunicated.

I also know from experience that unless pretty much everyone in their lives gives them an ultimatum, addicts rarely seek help. The big problem is, that both he and his wife are addicts, so they enable each other and think it’s the two of them against the world.

I pray and pray and pray, offer sufferings for their benefit, and trust God, but guess I just need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. My sister is also estranged from him; my other brother is not and neither are my parents, so that makes it difficult as well.

Any insight you can provide especially from those who have been through this with family members, or addicts themselves, would be very much appreciated.

Thanks and God bless!

 

[Ana]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have a brother and a cousin who are recovering drug addicts. I think tough love is a good concept if the MOTIVATION and EMPHASIS is on the love.

You obviously care about them very much, and are willing to offer prayer and sacrifices. That is beautiful. But they might benefit from a relationship with you. I don’t know your situation, but it seems that them acting in such an innapropriate and selfish manner during something as traumatic and emotional as a father’s open heart surgery triggered some rightfully indignant anger. But perhaps two years of not speaking is not what is best for them or you, explaining your loss of peace despite much prayer and sacrifice.

You can display tough LOVE while maintaining a relationship. By being honest and loving, and GENTLE. I’ll just give you some examples:

My cousin, I love dearly. We went out to lunch. Spoke on the phone. Have an intimate emotional relationship. She spent time in my home. She was NOT allowed to take my children anywhere without me. I NEVER gave her money.When there is trouble with her, her parents call me. I am hard on her, by telling the truth. I never shout or threaten her. I simply remind her often and lovingly of the life she is called to live and offered through Christ. I remind her often of his mercy. I also sit on the couch with her for Blockbuster nights, popcorn, facials and giggles. She knows I am here for her WHENEVER she needs me. Someone once told her something I said a few years ago. She never forgot and reminds me often. I said, “I love “J” clean, I love “J” as a drug addict. If she was face down in a gutter, I would still love her.” I never knew that something I said in passing to someone else would become something that offered so much hope for her. She has been clean for over six months, my love for her remains constant and unchanging because I love with His love, it does not fluctuate by her behaviour.

Pray to love your brother and his wife with the love of Jesus. His love is life changing and bears fruit. He would never remove Himself from us, only allow us to remove ourselves from Him. This is the kind of relationship you should strive for. He loves us too much to enable us and help us with our sin. Thus the no money philosiphy with my cousin. Whenever I denied her anything it was always from love. Pray to love with this love. You WILL find the peace you are seeking. Don’t worry about what to do in each and every situation with them. Pray for the Grace to love them with His love and He will Love them through you. He can’t do that if you are not speaking with them.

As always, leave the poisen and keep the honey.

Love MUST be your motivation to be tough or it is nothing more than being judgemental and authoritarian

 

[Ana]

You said, Because of this, I have told him that we want nothing to do with him or his wife or their lifestyle until they seek help.

Although I encouraged you to have a relationship with them, I hope I made it clear that you are ABSOLUTELY correct in having nothing to do with thier lifestyle.

 

[Didi]

Thanks for your encouragement, Ana.

I’m afraid my brother and his wife have deteriorated so much that any kind of relationship with them is not possible. They are rude, angry, use the Lord’s name in vain often along with other four letter words, are not capable of a normal conversation, blame everyone and anyone for all of their problems and are generally not someone I want to be around or want my children to be around.

I have told my brother that I love him and that I will be praying for him and his wife all of his life, but the next move is up to him. I am told by those in AA and those who have gone through it themselves that when an addict reaches the stage that my brother is in, there is nothing else that can be done at this point (except for prayer, of course) but to confront them and then leave the decision up to them. This is the part that is hard.

 

[Ana]

Didi:

Thanks for your encouragement, Ana.

I’m afraid my brother and his wife have deteriorated so much that any kind of relationship with them is not possible. They are rude, angry, use the Lord’s name in vain often along with other four letter words, are not capable of a normal conversation, blame everyone and anyone for all of their problems and are generally not someone I want to be around or want my children to be around.

I have told my brother that I love him and that I will be praying for him and his wife all of his life, but the next move is up to him. I am told by those in AA and those who have gone through it themselves that when an addict reaches the stage that my brother is in, there is nothing else that can be done at this point (except for prayer, of course) but to confront them and then leave the decision up to them. This is the part that is hard.

Aiyiyi! That sounds bad. I’m so sorry for you.I don’t blame you for not wanting to be around them, or your children. My brother is my only sibling and we had (still do) an extremely close relationship. He was a heroin addict and a crackhead. I remember how hard it was during that time. For my husband also. He didn’t like seeing me suffer so much. I would cower in a corner sobbing and pull my hair. In my mind he was already buried and I grieved for him as if it was so. I remember the hardest thing for me was being caught between loving him and feeling as if I was dying or shutting down emotionally and and having an I don’t care attitude. I learned it was neither of those ways.

Yeah, it’s definitely up to them. The whole rock bottem thing. The only one you can change is you. I hope that when you pray you remember to pray for you about this. I know from experience how absolutely painful it is to see someone you love commit slow motion suicide. Not to mention that when they are rude and hurtful … surprise surprise … it hurts. BUT we are a people of hope and when we are full of anxiety and worry it’s time to trust in our Lord. Pray for you also, that you may have peace even in the midst of this suffering.

I will keep your brother and his wife in my prayers. BTW, if you would like a novena prayer partner, it would be a privilege to join in prayer with you.I do understand your pain, AND I also understand theirs. I was a drug addict and an alcoholic … a long, long time ago … Thank You, Jesus, for Your Infinite Mercy. Hang in there didi, … on your cross. Don’t forget what follows.

 

[Didi]

Thanks again, Ana. Do you know of a specific Novena to pray for those who are addicted?

 

[LauraL]

Didi,

you and your family have my prayers this evening. I also have a close family member who is an alcoholic and, I suspect, an addict, and so you have my sympathies. I cannot say enough for AlAnon which is not only for spouses but for all family members – parents, children, siblings. It will help you learn practical ways of loving your brother and his wife while maintaining detachment, a very difficult skill to develop.

May God give you wisdom.

 

[JCPhoenix]

Ask Padre Pio for intercession.

My father died of alcoholism…I wish I had said more prayers for him beforehand. I pretty much cut him out of my life before his death, but I never gave him a reason as you did. I didn’t know what to do so I just lived my life and talked to him on the phone once in awhile. He was a good man who had a disease.

I will pray for you and your family, and encourage you to ask St. Pio for his prayers as well. His miracles are documented. There are many websites, and this is one… www.padrepiodeviotions.org

God bless you…I hope through God’s grace your family comes back together.

 

[Ana]

JCPhoenix:

My father died of alcoholism…I wish I had said more prayers for him beforehand. He was a good man who had a disease.

I am sorry for your loss. Don’t forget your prayers can still help him. So much pain is caused by drugs and the abuse of alcohol. SO MUCH.:crying: