All Alone with No Family?

[sweetpetunia]

I think we can agree that the op is not “entitled” to have grandma babysit, but it is very abnormal that she shows little interest in grandson. There are many things that we are not “entitled” to, but still loving family does. I, for example, am not “entitled” to having my mom phone me on my birthday…but she does. I am also not “entitled” to be invited over for holidays and family celebrations…but I am. If the family is normal, healthy, functional with no current crises, that’s what families do. We find ways to show affection, and we try to spend time together.

So I am going to say that it would be normal if grandma would talk to him, play with him, and shower him with hugs and kisses when she came over. That is what my relatives do to mine, and it warms my heart every time, and I can’t help but feel that that is the way it is supposed to be!

OP, I would suggest don’t “confront” them about this. They would just get upset, and defensive about it. It probably only would cause MORE tension, and MORE hurt, and possibly LESS time with grandson. Instead of confronting, which inherently involves blaming, try to manage the situation. You have to be as wise as a serpent, but as gentle as a dove. I am going to make three suggestions: First, can you find a way to cultivate grandson’s relationship with grandma? Second, if you’re not doing this already, can you find a way to have your relatives feel connected, even if they are ten hours away? Third, can you continue to cultivate this wonderful relationship with auntie/uncle? (and any other loving person, familial or non-familial, who wants to be part of his life?) If grandson’s “love cup” is full, grandma’s non-notice of him will impact him less negatively.

I’ll give some possible ideas.

For the relationship with grandma: if grandson painted her a picture and you helped him print a cute little poem about grandmothers on it, how would she react? Would she smile, and praise it, or hopefully even put it up on her fridge? (If you think that she would ignore it when he presented it to her, I would say DON’T do this). Can you create other positive-feedback experiences? Let grandma know how much grandson adores her? My SIL is extremely flattered when nieces/nephews adore her (and they do! They worship the ground on which she walks. They follow her around like a little shadow, and hug and kiss her, and always ask for her, even insist on her!) This creates positive feedback, and I think she spends more time with them than she would have otherwise, lol. What about cultivating common interests? Is grandma into crafts? Would she help him with an art project? What about gardening? Can he bring a mini watering can or spade to “help” her on your next visit over there? If she’s a baker, would she help him cut and decorate cookies together on the next visit at your house? Think of grandma’s hobbies, and see if you can’t ask grandma for help with them when she visits. Also, tell her that you all have been missing her. You can say that grandson has been asking about seeing her again.

For the relationship with your family: Can you skype/video call? This way, grandson can show family his artwork, awards, etc., and they could praise him for it. If not, even phone calls are great. If he sends them mail, would they write him back? If not, Would they write him messages through your facebook account? Can you fly your mum or dad or sister over for a few weeks “vacation” at your house, or would they be willing to make a roadtrip? Can you get a recording of them reading his favorite story?

I feel you on the baby-sitting issue. I don’t like the idea of leaving very young children with anybody BUT family. Can you offer to pay the aunt/uncle to watch him for an hour? Would grandma have him for a sleepover? What are grandma’s feelings on this? Have you broached the topic with her? Would she watch him just one time for an hour? I hope you can find a way to make it work!

 

[EasterJoy]

What struck me about the OP is that his wife’s mother had re-married.

OP, how much time have you and your wife spent welcoming your new FIL into the family? Does your wife treat him as a second father? If there is any apathy or coldness between your wife and her mother’s new husband, well, as that relationship goes, so goes the rest of the family dynamic. At any rate, if his family shows more interest in her than her family does in him, we know where that couple’s time allegiance is going to fall.

In any case, if you make an effort as a family to cultivate a relationship with your in-laws as a couple, then your son will have a relationship with his grandmother and step-grandfather. If you start treating your MIL’s husband as part of your family, she might take more interest in your little family than she currently does.

The other thing that struck me is that she is an elementary school nurse. When she has a vacation, it is from taking care of other people’s kids. I can totally understand why going out looking to take on yours isn’t the first thing on her list. Unlike many grandmas, she is not starved for the old days, when she got to spend time in the company of children! Given a choice between ducking and being taken advantage of, a shrewd grandma simply ducks. You MIL’s choice not to stock up on toys at her house shows that she is not waiting for an invitation to babysit. Either accept a relationship on her terms, or accept that it was your choice not to pursue that relationship on behalf of your son.

If you need a sitter–and especially if you are talking about a few hours a week!–hire one. If your MIL ever does volunteer to take your son on a regular basis and refuses payment you still ought to make a show of your appreciation in kind. Even in families, there is no free babysitting.

Oh, and don’t give your child a sense of entitlement that his grandmother ought to stock toys for him. If he asks why other kids’ grandmothers stock toys, you simply say, “Some grandmothers do that and some don’t. It is her choice. She may have given all her toys away to someone who would use them, and now she doesn’t have any.” That is probably exactly what she did.

Having said all that, my mother’s house was full of grandchildren nearly every weekend when my nieces and nephews were young. All the grandkids adored her and her milkshakes and cookies and wonderful cooking and the playroom and her big back yard. Would you have guessed that she spent almost no time playing with them, she didn’t read to them, and she almost never babysat them alone? Rather, her kids came to her house to visit, brought food, the whole family got together. The kids played with their cousins and had a wonderful time at Grandma and Grandpa’s…but the parents were there to herd them. That is how most “quality time” with grandparents happens.

 

[sweetpetunia]

What struck me about the OP is that his wife’s mother had re-married.

OP, how much time have you and your wife spent welcoming your new FIL into the family? Does your wife treat him as a second father? If there is any apathy or coldness between your wife and her mother’s new husband, well, as that relationship goes, so goes the rest of the family dynamic. At any rate, if his family shows more interest in her than her family does in him, we know where that couple’s time allegiance is going to fall.

In any case, if you make an effort as a family to cultivate a relationship with your in-laws as a couple, then your son will have a relationship with his grandmother and step-grandfather. If you start treating your MIL’s husband as part of your family, she might take more interest in your little family than she currently does.

The other thing that struck me is that she is an elementary school nurse. When she has a vacation, it is from taking care of other people’s kids. I can totally understand why going out looking to take on yours isn’t the first thing on her list. Unlike many grandmas, she is not starved for the old days, when she got to spend time in the company of children! Given a choice between ducking and being taken advantage of, a shrewd grandma simply ducks. You MIL’s choice not to stock up on toys at her house shows that she is not waiting for an invitation to babysit. Either accept a relationship on her terms, or accept that it was your choice not to pursue that relationship on behalf of your son.

If you need a sitter–and especially if you are talking about a few hours a week!–hire one. If your MIL ever does volunteer to take your son on a regular basis and refuses payment you still ought to make a show of your appreciation in kind. Even in families, there is no free babysitting.

Oh, and don’t give your child a sense of entitlement that his grandmother ought to stock toys for him. If he asks why other kids’ grandmothers stock toys, you simply say, “Some grandmothers do that and some don’t. It is her choice. She may have given all her toys away to someone who would use them, and now she doesn’t have any.” That is probably exactly what she did.

Having said all that, my mother’s house was full of grandchildren nearly every weekend when my nieces and nephews were young. All the grandkids adored her and her milkshakes and cookies and wonderful cooking and the playroom and her big back yard. Would you have guessed that she spent almost no time playing with them, she didn’t read to them, and she almost never babysat them alone? Rather, her kids came to her house to visit, brought food, the whole family got together. The kids played with their cousins and had a wonderful time at Grandma and Grandpa’s…but the parents were there to herd them. That is how most “quality time” with grandparents happens.

I would agree that the parents being over and the cousins playing together is normal and natural. However, this situation is quite a bit different in that there are no other cousins for him to play with. OP is not saying he only wants “free baby-sitting”. He said he wishes she would play with grandson once in a while when she comes over to their house. I can understand that grandma needs a break from kids when she’s not working…but in four years she hasn’t played with him or read him a story, and he’s the only grandchild?

Love to kids is spelled T-I-M-E, and it can be done with twenty grandkids as well as 1. MY grandma had tons of grandkids (over thirty), and while we had many small and large family get-togethers like you speak of, any of the grandkids who lived close by were enormously lucky to get TONS of one-on-one time with Grandma and Grandpa. Granted, they were semi-retired, but that doesn’t mean a full-time grandma shouldn’t play with her grandson once every four years! I spent many, many hours and many, many days at my grandparents’ over the course of my childhood. Grandma taught several of the kids how to play an instrument, how to crochet, how to sew. We were welcome to help Grandpa putter about in the yard or talk to him as he worked on his hobbies. Sometimes we’d have a game of chinese checkers. They didn’t “entertain” us every minute of the day, but they talked to us A LOT, and brought us along to church and on errands. They’d let us pick out a treat if we went shopping together. Grandma would make lunch while we chatted away with her. She’d pull out her knitting and watch a movie with us. It was fun, it was wonderful, it helped shape who I am today. I can TOTALLY see why OP wants his grandson to cultivate a relationship with his grandma. Speaking of which, maybe I’ll go give my Grandma a call right now!