Alternatives to a spiritual director

[MrsAngelala]

About four years ago I spent 18-24 months trying to find a spiritual director. I used the internet, asked my pastor at the time for help finding someone (he ignored me), and eventually I mentioned something to my Protestant voice teacher, who knew a Catholic who knew someone at the Diocese who kept a list. There was one name on the list under an hour from my home, so I gave it a shot, but the relationship was a quick flop. I stopped looking after that.

Recently I had a conversation with my current pastor where he pointed to something, told me it was the core disease of my heart, and said there was no point in trying to do anything else in my spiritual life until it was healed. A few days later when I went to confession I asked him: if I have a spiritual problem that nearly five years of daily Mass, daily adoration, frequent Communion and frequent Confession haven’t fixed; and if God doesn’t talk to me, or I don’t know how to hear him, or I’m incapable of hearing him - what can I do?

He told me I’d have to talk to a spiritual director. My heart dropped. (To be clear, he didn’t offer; and once in the past he thought I was asking for that and rejected me - even though the question wasn’t in my head! - so although he’s very kind to me, he’s not an option.)

I’m unhappy with my apparent choices to stagnate in misery or - what, walk away from Jesus? (!) Are there any alternatives to a spiritual director for a situation like this?

 

[Valus]

That’s a difficult situation. I’m sorry I haven’t much advice. I can see you’re making great efforts and I’ll say a prayer for you, that you find a spiritual director soon, if that is God’s will. I can only speculate that, perhaps, he is accomplishing more good by testing you than by swiftly granting your request. Have faith!

 

[MNathaniel]

He told me I’d have to talk to a spiritual director. My heart dropped. (To be clear, he didn’t offer; and once in the past he thought I was asking for that and rejected me - even though the question wasn’t in my head! - so although he’s very kind to me, he’s not an option.)

So what did he reply when you responded to him that his words made your heart drop because you’ve tried to find a spiritual director before but can’t?

Or did you not put him on the spot with it the way he put you on the spot with it?

Don’t let your problem be only your problem. If he’s telling you that you have some block you can’t get past without a spiritual director (which sounds weird to me, but okay) – then you go be the widow pestering the unjust judge until he helps you find a spiritual director.

He is your pastor. He has a responsibility for your soul. He has no right to discourage you by claiming it’s impossible to make spiritual progress (!!!) unless you receive help from a spiritual director, unless he’s going to help you find a spiritual director.

I’d go back to this priest like a stubborn, frequent yo-yo. Persevere.

(I know it’s hard, by the way. But do persevere. You’re not meant to go this alone, and maybe God needs someone like you to teach your priest that he can’t lay a burden on someone’s shoulders that he won’t help them be able to carry. Make sure you tell your priest that you’ve already tried to find a spiritual director but can’t, so you don’t know how to follow his advice, and would he please help you find this spiritual director that he claims you need. Keep it polite – but persistent.)

 

[fide]

Did your pastor tell you what this “core disease of your heart” specifically is? If he did not, I’d discount his advice altogether. If he did, I’d give serious consideration to what that problem is, and try to discern if he is right - that you do need to deal with that, prior to seeking a spiritual director.

And I suggest you consider persons at over an hour away. A meeting a month is not unusual, and a trip a month is not terrible - if you can find a good director. Not every priest is or ought to be a spiritual director; not every “spiritual director” ought to be a spiritual director; not every good spiritual director would necessarily be good for you personally. A not-good director can be worse than even a mere waste of time (and money - many charge, these days) - he/she can lead persons in the wrong direction, perhaps with good intentions, but because of simple lack of wisdom and/or experience.

Bottom line, be patient and pray that God provide what you really, really need.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Respectfully, this pastor of yours is not being very helpful. He knows (or should know) that spiritual directors don’t grow on trees. Also, I can’t imagine what could be so wrong in someone’s spiritual life that they absolutely can’t move forward till some roadblock is removed, when the person is going to daily Mass, daily Adoration, frequent Communion and frequent Confession. That pretty much puts somebody up in the top 10 percent of serious Catholics right there, and it also demonstrates that you are not living for years in some state of probable mortal sin which would be the type of thing I would regard as a roadblock to spiritual life (for instance, an illicit relationship, or the regular practice of some non-Catholic religion). It makes me wonder if this pastor would have said the same thing to Mother Teresa herself had she told him of the doubt that plagued her throughout her life.

Please consider talking to another priest at a different parish. Like getting a second opinion from another doctor. If they both agree, then okay, maybe you do have a serious problem. However, sometimes priests just say really unhelpful things, or jump to conclusions that are not the right ones.

 

[HeDa]

A spiritual director doesn’t have to be a priest or deacon. There are several priests who are not competent in helping people on their path to holiness.

Have you tried contacting monasteries? A sister/nun or brother might be the person you are looking for and could be of assistance. There are no requirements that the spiritual director is ordained as a priest or deacon. I think I read somewhere, that pope John Paul II had a woman as spiritual director when he was in the seminary or already ordained.

 

[OddBird]

To be clear, he didn’t offer; and once in the past he thought I was asking for that and rejected me - even though the question wasn’t in my head! - so although he’s very kind to me, he’s not an option.

I’d ask him whom he’d recommend. If I understood right, he’s not the same priest who ignored your request two years ago, is he? I agree with the others posters that it’s not very helpful to tell you “you need a SD” and then doing nothing to help you get in touch with someone.

I’d also ask him again if he’d agree, even though he didn’t offer, and said a preemptive “no” earlier. The situation has changed enough to allow for it, if he’s the one who encourages you to go for spiritual direction. He’s got to take at least some responsibility for what he wants you to do.

 

[Elf01]

it also demonstrates that you are not living for years in some state of probable mortal sin which would be the type of thing I would regard as a roadblock to spiritual life (for instance, an illicit relationship, or the regular practice of some non-Catholic religion).

I don’t think this applies to the OP, but I know someone who apparently goes to Mass and Confession yet is in an illicit relationship and, as far as I know, they do not plan on rectifying the situation. They could now, I think - their previous spouse has died and I don’t think the other party was married.

I’d ask him whom he’d recommend. If I understood right, he’s not the same priest who ignored your request two years ago, is he? I agree with the others posters that it’s not very helpful to tell you “you need a SD” and then doing nothing to help you get in touch with someone.

Also given he has advised spiritual direction he should be willing to help the OP find one, even if he is not willing to do it himself.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I don’t think this applies to the OP, but I know someone who apparently goes to Mass and Confession yet is in an illicit relationship and, as far as I know, they do not plan on rectifying the situation

True, but OP is receiving Communion as well. If she were not being absolved in Confession, she couldn’t do that. I don’t get the impression from her post that she is receiving it without being in a state of grace.

 

[Elf01]

True, but OP is receiving Communion as well. If she were not being absolved in Confession, she couldn’t do that.

It wouldn’t stop the person I’m thinking of from receiving - and worst I’ve heard that most priests absolve them.

 

[MrsAngelala]

Thank you for your sympathetic indignation. (Genuinely, that’s not sarcasm.)

He has no right to discourage you by claiming it’s impossible to make spiritual progress (!!!) unless you receive help from a spiritual director, unless he’s going to help you find a spiritual director.

Well, that wasn’t quite it. To be fair, he told me there wouldn’t be any point in trying to do anything else until this problem was healed, then when I asked a few days later how I could do that under this set of circumstances, he said I’d have to talk to a spiritual director.

This pastor - the one from my current problem - is actually very kind to me, and he went out on a limb by telling me something I wouldn’t be happy to hear; he even told me he expected I wouldn’t want to talk to him again. He was trying to be helpful. When he later told me I would have to talk to a spiritual director, he went into a lot of detail about what I’d have to do, so that I’d know what to expect. I didn’t manage to mumble more than an incoherent objection at the time because I was upset. If I decide to try and go in that direction again, I can ask him to help me find someone, or at least ask at the office, which is probably more likely.

The priest who ignored my request for help years ago was a different pastor from another church; I mentioned him at the beginning because he’s part of the experiences that make searching for a spiritual director so upsetting to me. The pastor from my current problem did know at one point about my earlier attempts at finding a director, but I told him that stuff years ago, so I wouldn’t expect him to remember. I would hate to think I’d misrepresented him as intentionally obstructionist or abusive, when he’s been so kind to me.

Thank you again for your encouragement.

 

[MrsAngelala]

He did tell me. He knows me pretty well; I found his insight upsetting, but a reasonable conclusion. If he was totally off-base, this wouldn’t be a problem! I may expand my perimeter, though with an infant and no babysitter, the logistics are harder now than the first time I tried to find one. Thank you for your two cents on directors.

 

[MrsAngelala]

That’s a fair conclusion given the amount and type of information I’m able to include in this format. No, I’m not in mortal sin. Funnily enough, he did mention Mother Theresa when he was instructing me on the process with a spiritual director - he said that one of the things a director would try to ascertain is if this inability to communicate with God is a Dark Night. (Which I think it’s not, but what do I know.)

As a priest, my pastor does live in a world where he has regular access to other priests, so maybe he thinks directors are plentiful. That first time he told me he wouldn’t direct me? I had asked him what it would take to spend a summer in prayer, and he took several leaps forward and told me he wouldn’t direct me because he had responsibilities to his parish. I was like… wwwwhat? I would need a director? Did I ask you to do that? Why are you rejecting a request I never made? He does take leaps sometimes!

In this case though, it wasn’t a leap and I don’t necessarily think he was wrong. The situation as a whole just leaves me kind of stuck for the moment.

 

[TheHolyTrinity]

Have you tried contacting the diocese to see if they have a list. It sounds that perhaps your parish priest has been in prayer with regard to your situation and given you information that as result from that prayer. Perhaps your situation is beyond him in a spiritual sense but feels obliged to let you know that he is not the right person to assist you in your spiritual journey.

Your situation is a tough one. If you have not already done so perhaps pray to our good Lord for guidance during this time and ask for him to deliver to you a spiritual director that can help you move forward spiritually. When the priest mentioned that ‘core disease of the heart’ needs to be healed. If this is said in a spiritual sense and not in the physical then deliverance and healing prayers are required. If unhealed hurts, trauma etc is cause of your Dark Night of the Soul then asking the priest or contacting your diocese and asking to be referred to the exorcist priest for deliverance. Some times such can cause a stagnation in spiritual development.

 

[OddBird]

That first time he told me he wouldn’t direct me? I had asked him what it would take to spend a summer in prayer, and he took several leaps forward and told me he wouldn’t direct me because he had responsibilities to his parish.

Then I think it’s worth asking him again if he’d direct you.

There is a big difference in the investment needed if one is going to direct an intensive two-month spiritual exercise, and the one needed for meeting with someone for about one hour once a month.

 

[Throwawayaccount1]

Duh, lectio divina is one of the best spiritual directors.

 

[MrsAngelala]

I was going to reply that someone else had mentioned the same thing earlier - but it turns out that was you! I only clicked the heart on your first post, but that part of your comment really stuck with me; I kept thinking I should go back and do the quote-box thing to tell you I was pondering it. Thank you for reiterating. I appreciate that you took the time to do that.

 

[MrsAngelala]

Oh dear, Mr. or Ms. Throwaway, your reading comprehension isn’t very good. That’s too bad. I expect your rudeness would be more effective if you took the time to process the information you’re trying to be rude about.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Spiritual Directors are not easy to find because there are so few (speaking here of official SDs who have been trained and authorized by their Order or the Diocese). Priests are sometimes working so much between a school and a parish that they cannot take on directees. An Order or Convent is a great idea.

In my Diocese, they do offer SD training, however, the first requirement is that one has been under Spiritual Direction at some point.

Locally there is currently a plan to put in place some “Spiritual Friends”, people who are mature in their faith, where the Pastor feels this person is trustworthy. They will be trained and then begin to receive referrals from the priests.

Do remember, Spiritual Directors can direct over Skype, over the phone, even via letter, they do not have to be physically near you.

 

[fide]

Duh, lectio divina is one of the best spiritual directors.

I have found that “lectio divina” can be and has been interpreted in some radically divergent ways.

edited to add: “as has ‘spiritual direction’”!