Am I Acceptable?

[steve975]

I have recently been asked to be a Godfather to two twin boys who are soon to be baptized. The thing is that the couple who wants me to be the Godfather has never even met me, and I live 5-6 hours away from them. My mother still resides in that area, and apparently through the many praises she always sings about me to this couple, they thought I sounded like a great candidate to be a Godfather to these twins even though they don’t know me. This couple apparently doesn’t know any good Catholic candidates who they would like to have as a Godfather, so they think I would be a good choice. Also, at least the mother of the twins as well as my own mother are convinced that this “feeling” that they have that I should be the Godfather is due to some type of divine suggestion. Me, I think they’re just being a bit emotional.

First off, my mother overestimates my adherence to Catholicism, as I stray more than she realizes. I’ve tried to explain this but I don’t think she believes it. Secondly, I don’t know this couple at all. Thirdly, I have absolutely no intention of ever moving back to that area, and I may even eventually move farther away. I would not be in a position to have any type of a relationship with these children. And to be quite honest, I am not currently willing to become a very active participant in the lives of two children who I don’t even know. I would try to maintain some level of contact, but I am not willing to be some kind of an active, central figure in their lives. Fourth, I am currently facing a moral dilema which is going to take me a long time to resolve because of which I am unable to receive Communion. Fifth, I don’t know what the requirements for a Godfather in terms of involvement in the children’s lives. Are there any Canon laws that must be adhered to and if so what are they?

My mother thinks that the fact that I am taking this seriously and that I am not willing to accept this if I don’t think I can uphold the required standards is simply more proof that I am the best choice. I hope I haven’t left anything out, but I think this covers all the major points about my situation. I have at least one other source I’ll need to refer to to read up on this, but from what I’ve posted here, is it really right for me to accept this request?

 

[baltobetsy]

I think you are on the right track. A godparent is chosen to take the place of the parents should they become unable to provide a proper religious upbringing for the child. This does not sound like something you would be willing and/or able to do, considering the distance, the fact that you do not know the family, etc.

I agree with your mother in that she is proud of you for taking your faith seriously, but that is not the only requirement. You really need to be able to serve, and you do not seem to be in your present circumstance.

Tell them you are deeply honored, but find yourself unable to do all that a good godparent should. God bless you.

Betsy

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

I think it would be preferable to have a godparent who would have some contact with the children and be an influence in their lives. I suppose from a distance you could (as they get older) call them, e-mail them, etc. but it’s not the same as someone who would see them regularly at Mass, be there at important events, etc.

If I were the parents and didn’t know anyone who could be a godparent, I would ask the pastor to recommend someone in the parish.

 

[chicago]

While everyone calls them “Godparents”, really they are only “sponsors”. The responsibility, ultimately, doesn’t require anything more than representing the Church in asking that the child be brought into the life of Christ. While, admitedly, it is valuable for this person to stay somewhat attached to the child it is not essential. That is more of a cultural norm. And, frankly, how many of us really ever had an extensive relationship with our Godparents? I think that, more often than not, things start off with great intenstions that don’t typically pan out long term.

That said - and while I partially agree with your mother about the value of your integrity - the key would probably be to have a conversation with the child’s parents to see what their own expectations are and allow them to develop a more realistic understanding of who you are along with your concerns.

 

[steve975]

I agree a conversation with the parents could help, although I’m fairly certain they don’t have much in the way of expectations for any future involvement in the lives of the children on any extensive level. And I also agree that in reality, perhaps even most godparents don’t end up having extensive involvement in the lives of the godchildren. So I’m not so much concerned with the parents’ expectations or with societal/cultural norms. I’m concerned about my obligations as per Canon Law.

I want to make certain that I don’t agree to this only to find out down the road that I am now bound to some type of unreasonable commitment that I’m not aware of now. I don’t know what, if any, specific requirements are laid out in the Catholic Canon regarding godparents, and this is what most concerns me. I don’t want to put myself in a position of either being bound by extensive requirements or of being negligent in my obligations and therefore living in sin. I’ve got enough on my plate already with another moral dilemma.

 

[chicago]

I want to make certain that I don’t agree to this only to find out down the road that I am now bound to some type of unreasonable commitment that I’m not aware of now. I don’t know what, if any, specific requirements are laid out in the Catholic Canon regarding godparents, and this is what most concerns me. I don’t want to put myself in a position of either being bound by extensive requirements or of being negligent in my obligations and therefore living in sin. I’ve got enough on my plate already with another moral dilemma.

Well, firstly, it is admirable that you’d actually want to take the time to find that out first. I suppose that 99% of Godparents would not and are just generally ignorant about any potential obligations.

But, that said, what in particular would you be concerned about here as possibilities?

 

[steve975]

But, that said, what in particular would you be concerned about here as possibilities?

Well, I don’t see myself being willing or able to have extensive involvement in the lives of these children. So I’m not sure I could possibly think of every possibility that could present problems, but here are a few concerns I can think of off the top of my head:

1. Being responsible for caring for the children should something happen to their parents
2. Being responsible for maintaining frequent contact with and establishing/maintaining a close relationship with the children
3. Being responsible for fully educating these children about living a Catholic life

This list certainly isn’t exhaustive, but these are a few of my major concerns.

 

[chicago]

Well, I don’t see myself being willing or able to have extensive involvement in the lives of these children. So I’m not sure I could possibly think of every possibility that could present problems, but here are a few concerns I can think of off the top of my head:

1. Being responsible for caring for the children should something happen to their parents
2. Being responsible for maintaining frequent contact with and establishing/maintaining a close relationship with the children
3. Being responsible for fully educating these children about living a Catholic life

This list certainly isn’t exhaustive, but these are a few of my major concerns.

Again, while the concept of “Godparent” is one which sometimes carries these expectations, I don’t see how what the Catholic Church likely asks of “sponsors” would. It might be admirable, but probably not expected. Really, it seems to me that what you have stated that you might be willing to do as far as extent would likely more than fulfill any probable obligations. Though the parents expectations may or may not be more demanding.

 

[chicago]

I found a website which offers this from the late Fr. Hardon:

catholic.net/rcc/Periodicals/Faith/11-12-98/Q&A.html

Q. Does the Church require that there be at least one sponsor (godparent) for baptism?
—D.S., Ohio

A. I think it is worth quoting all three canons of the Code of Canon Law on the subject of sponsors. This quotation although lengthy will cover all the questions implied in the one question just raised.

Canon 872- Insofar as possible one to be baptized is to be given a sponsor who is to assist an adult in Christian initiation, or together with the parents, to present an infant at the baptism, and to fulfill faithfully the obligations connected with it.

Canon 873- Only one male or one female sponsor or one of each sex is to be employed.

Canon 874- 1. To be admitted to the role of sponsor, a person must:

a.    be designated by the one to be baptized, by the parents or the one who takes their place or, in their absence, by the pastor or minister and is to have the qualifications and intention of performing the role;
b.    have completed the sixteenth year, unless a different age has been established by the diocesan bishop or it seems to the pastor or minister that an exception is to be made for just cause;
c.    be a Catholic who has been confirmed and has already received the sacrament of the Most Holy Eucharist and leads a life in harmony with the faith and the role to be undertaken;
d.    not be bound by any canonical penalty legitimately imposed or declared;
e.    not be the father or the mother of the one to be baptized.

1. A baptized person who belongs to a non-Catholic ecclesial community may not be admitted except as a witness to baptism and together with a Catholic sponsor.

To what extent your continued involvement in assisting the child to grow in the Christian life extends is something somewhat subjective, it would seem, and most likely “as far as reasonably able”, one would think.

 

[quiet52]

Hi Steve,

Most importantly, your adherence to the faith (acceptance of the Church’s teachings and striving to life according to her moral code) is an essential requirement to be a sponsor. After all, you would be representing the Church. Among other things, this would mean you attend Mass every Sunday and frequently receive the Eucharist and the sacrament of Reconciliation. If you are involved in a moral dilemma at present, or find that you cannot submit to the authority of the Church or adhere to her teachings, please don’t say yes.

Just to let you know, I felt cheated as a child because my uncle and aunt weren’t involved in my life. If the parents of the twins don’t have a relative or close friend who meet the canonical requirements of a sponsor, they should ask their parish to help them find sponsors closer to home. I don’t know why the parents wouldn’t want their children’s sponsors to be around to assist them in their formation of faith. The sponsors should at least commit to praying for the twins long-term.

Being a sponsor is a ministry – a privilege with responsibilities not to be taken lightly. From the Catechism of the Catholic Church: “…the godfather and godmother… must be firm believers, able and ready to help the newly baptized—child or adult—on the road of Christian life” (#1255).

The relationship between godparent (sponsor) and the baptized should be lifelong … “mutually encouraged by each other’s faith” (Romans 1:12).

 

[steve975]

Hi Steve,

Most importantly, your adherence to the faith (acceptance of the Church’s teachings and striving to life according to her moral code) is an essential requirement to be a sponsor. After all, you would be representing the Church. Among other things, this would mean you attend Mass every Sunday and frequently receive the Eucharist and the sacrament of Reconciliation. If you are involved in a moral dilemma at present, or find that you cannot submit to the authority of the Church or adhere to her teachings, please don’t say yes.

Just to let you know, I felt cheated as a child because my uncle and aunt weren’t involved in my life. If the parents of the twins don’t have a relative or close friend who meet the canonical requirements of a sponsor, they should ask their parish to help them find sponsors closer to home. I don’t know why the parents wouldn’t want their children’s sponsors to be around to assist them in their formation of faith. The sponsors should at least commit to praying for the twins long-term.

Being a sponsor is a ministry – a privilege with responsibilities not to be taken lightly. From the Catechism of the Catholic Church: “…the godfather and godmother… must be firm believers, able and ready to help the newly baptized—child or adult—on the road of Christian life” (#1255).

The relationship between godparent (sponsor) and the baptized should be lifelong … “mutually encouraged by each other’s faith” (Romans 1:12).

I want to say that I appreciate all of these responses. This one really sums up quite well a lot of the concerns I have about my situation. This sums up my hesitation to accept this request. In my understanding, the reason this couple wants me to be the sponsor rather than someone closer to home is because 1) they apparently don’t know any good candidates who they would like to ask from that area and 2) I believe they (or at least the mother) is being a bit emotional by believing to an extent that God is leading them to this decision (helped in no small part by my mother’s descriptions of me to her).

On the other hand, I am torn because I feel like I could do a disservice to these twins by NOT saying yes. In terms of actual knowledge of and acceptance of what it means to practice “true” Catholicism and all of its rules, I have basically no faith whatsoever that these parents will find a better candidate. I don’t mean this to sound arrogant, but the fact is that the vast majority of Catholics are not “true” Catholics. The vast majority believe that many of the laws and rules can be discarded, especially laws regarding sins of the flesh. I’ve even heard a number of priests who have directly contradicted Church doctrine. And in the area where this couple resides in particular - a very remote area with a small population - I don’t know if I’ve ever known a person from that area who has an extremely strict belief about all that Catholicism entails.

But although I definitely believe in all that the Church teaches (even more so than some priests), I am facing a moral dilemma at the present which is preventing me from being able to make a valid confession. I have faith that I will be able to resolve this, although I believe it will take some time. I am also a bit scrupulous, so that’s another issue to consider. And although I am definitely willing to pray for these twins, I again recognize that my ability and willingness to be actively involved in their lives is very lacking.

I guess I could be doing a disservice to this couple and these twins either way. I’m sorry I was ever asked, and I’m actually a bit angry.

 

[chicago]

I am also a bit scrupulous, so that’s another issue to consider.

This is what I sensed from your postings, and actually might be the most serious issue for you to come to terms with. Though, again, I think that a simple phone conversation with the couple about their expectations and your concerns could go a LONG way in assisting you to make a wise decison, whatever it may be.