Am I just being selfish?

[kittery]

I don’t know if my frustration is borne of selfishness, or if it’s a normal response to this situation… My husband is from a very large family (one of 15 kids). A couple of his sibs only call us when they need something- it could be straight up asking for cash that they do not intend to pay back, to a week-long place for a kid or two of theirs to stay, to using our truck to make loads to the dump or to the metal recycling place. My husband does not turn down any of their requests, although he has told one sibling a few times that we could not afford to give the amount of cash he was requesting.

What’s irking me most lately, is that about a year ago, we bought a used truck and ever since, his family has used it more than we have. Recently, however, he’s been asked to come over to help two different sibs in particular to clean up junk. He goes and helps and ends up driving to the dump and paying for the dump fees to boot! We never get paid gas or anything like that either?

Selfish of me to feel irked?

 

[xixxvmcm85]

I don’t know if my frustration is borne of selfishness, or if it’s a normal response to this situation… My husband is from a very large family (one of 15 kids). A couple of his sibs only call us when they need something- it could be straight up asking for cash that they do not intend to pay back, to a week-long place for a kid or two of theirs to stay, to using our truck to make loads to the dump or to the metal recycling place. My husband does not turn down any of their requests, although he has told one sibling a few times that we could not afford to give the amount of cash he was requesting.

What’s irking me most lately, is that about a year ago, we bought a used truck and ever since, his family has used it more than we have. Recently, however, he’s been asked to come over to help two different sibs in particular to clean up junk. He goes and helps and ends up driving to the dump and paying for the dump fees to boot! We never get paid gas or anything like that either?

Selfish of me to feel irked?

Disclaimer: I’m not married. Never have been, so take my words with a grain of salt and feel free to completely disregard them as folly

No, I don’t think you’re being selfish, since the way your husband’s family treats him directly affects you! Every family has a pee-on, and it seems that’s your husband’s role in his, so it’s important to remind yourself that this is his family, and his dynamic.

Though the situation certainly affects you, I’m no so sure that it would be prudent of you to say or do anything about the situation. For the situation to change, your husband needs to want it to change, and your husband needs to approach his family to make that change.

I hope and pray for all the best!

 

[Trishie]

No, you’re not being selfish.
I come from a large family and any of us would feel ashamed to take advantage of each other without being fair. My husband’s family are also caring and good people and if, as recently, his brother asked him to pick up something he bought on Ebay which was an hour’s journey away, he just cheerfully handed over some money for petrol (gas), as did his sister when she asked us to pick up a two seater couch to bring it home. They won’t take no for an answer even if my husband protests!
If he takes stuff to the dump for them, they cover it. He’s very generous with his time and effort, and they’re fair and just.

And none of us would dream of asking each other for loans, and if we did would certainly pay them back.

I guess your husband’s family get away with it and are used to doing so, and your husband finds it hard to speak up as he doesn’t wish to cause ripples or rifts. He shouldn’t have to ask! Actually, morally your husband isn’t doing his siblings a favor. He’s teaching them that it’s okay to leech.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all, and I agree with Trishie that your husband isn’t doing his family members any favors by allowing them to use him like that.

My husband is the oldest of four children, and his younger brother used to constantly ask him for money, etc. He did this after we got married, too. Shortly after we got married, he asked my husband to cosign a business loan (because his credit is terrible). My husband decided to just give him the money instead - against my wishes. Then my husband got really mad when he learned that his brother also asked for money from their two sisters and their retired parents only a few months after getting this money from us, and he used that money to live off of instead of looking for a job!

Anyway, that’s when I gave my husband an ultimatum - me or his brother! I reminded him that when we got married he was supposed to “leave and cleave” and that I, as his wife, am supposed to take priority over his brother. I simply told him that the next time he gave money to his brother I would leave, or that we should buy a home big enough for his brother and his brother’s family to move in with us so we could just support them outright. Some might call this manipulation, but those “small amounts” that my husband has given his brother since we’ve been married add up to thousands of dollars - money we could have used for a down payment on a home instead of having to rent an apartment.

 

[JRKH]

I don’t know if my frustration is borne of selfishness, or if it’s a normal response to this situation… My husband is from a very large family (one of 15 kids). A couple of his sibs only call us when they need something- it could be straight up asking for cash that they do not intend to pay back, to a week-long place for a kid or two of theirs to stay, to using our truck to make loads to the dump or to the metal recycling place. My husband does not turn down any of their requests, although he has told one sibling a few times that we could not afford to give the amount of cash he was requesting.

What’s irking me most lately, is that about a year ago, we bought a used truck and ever since, his family has used it more than we have. Recently, however, he’s been asked to come over to help two different sibs in particular to clean up junk. He goes and helps and ends up driving to the dump and paying for the dump fees to boot! We never get paid gas or anything like that either?

Selfish of me to feel irked?

I find no fault with what others here have written, and would not term you as being selfish. The gifts of money I can totally see being an issue, especially if they are significant amounts, since this could effect your childrens college funds etc. Your husband’s helping etc, is another matter.
Does he seem to resent their asking for his time?
The reason I ask is that your husband seems to be reflecting a true Gospel principle of Love. He is giving of himself to those who are either unable or unwilling to give back. He is going the extra mile (Mt 5:41-42), he is “giving to those who cannot repay” (Luke 14:12-13). In short he is showing Christ to your in-laws.
Yes they are taking advantage of him. Of this I’ve no doubt. Yet if the giving of his time is not irksome to him, then it should not be irksome for you. Your husband is building “treasure in heaven”.

Peace
James

 

[kittery]

I find no fault with what others here have written, and would not term you as being selfish. The gifts of money I can totally see being an issue, especially if they are significant amounts, since this could effect your childrens college funds etc. Your husband’s helping etc, is another matter.
Does he seem to resent their asking for his time?
The reason I ask is that your husband seems to be reflecting a true Gospel principle of Love. He is giving of himself to those who are either unable or unwilling to give back. He is going the extra mile (Mt 5:41-42), he is “giving to those who cannot repay” (Luke 14:12-13). In short he is showing Christ to your in-laws.
Yes they are taking advantage of him. Of this I’ve no doubt. Yet if the giving of his time is not irksome to him, then it should not be irksome for you. Your husband is building “treasure in heaven”.

Peace
James

It’s not that he gives his time to them that bothers me, at all. I think it’s nice that he’s willing to help out, and there have been times we’ve needed help moving, or painting our house, etc. and asked family to help us. That’s what families do. But we do not expect others who help us to bear a financial burden to do so.

It’s the expense that bothers me. Every time these two particular siblings call, I cringe a little bit because I know it’s going to cost us money. A few years back, one sibling asked for help catching up their delinquent car payments (3 months worth), which we did, only for the car to be repossessed a few months later. Then we didn’t hear from them for a year. But now they call us again, and it’s always to use this, use that, use our truck, run on our gas. My husband doesn’t even drive the truck to work because of the gasoline expense. Their children refer to us as “rich” and comment that their uncle (my husband) makes a ton of money. We’re not rich by any stretch of the imagination. But they see us as such, I guess.

When groups of his family get together at restaurants, when the bill comes, well… you can guess how that goes. People act like they didn’t know someone would have to pay for all that food! It makes me want to avoid these situations altogether because, well, my husband and I find it a rare occasion when we afford to eat a nice dinner out together, yet we catch $200.00 restaurant bills for his family.

I agree he’s building up treasure in heaven when he gives of his time and expects absolutely nothing in return. I enjoy that once in a while, we can afford to treat people and help them out. But when I feel taken advantage of, or used even, I get irked. And that’s how this makes me feel.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi kittery;

I think you and your dh need to set up boundaries. There are people in life, family included, who take advantage of people’s generosity…that is what is happening here. We are expected to help those in need, by God…but when people start taking advantage of you, it’s time to set up some healthy boundaries. Just my thoughts. *

 

[JRKH]

It’s not that he gives his time to them that bothers me, at all. I think it’s nice that he’s willing to help out, and there have been times we’ve needed help moving, or painting our house, etc. and asked family to help us. That’s what families do. But we do not expect others who help us to bear a financial burden to do so.

It’s the expense that bothers me. Every time these two particular siblings call, I cringe a little bit because I know it’s going to cost us money. A few years back, one sibling asked for help catching up their delinquent car payments (3 months worth), which we did, only for the car to be repossessed a few months later. Then we didn’t hear from them for a year. But now they call us again, and it’s always to use this, use that, use our truck, run on our gas. My husband doesn’t even drive the truck to work because of the gasoline expense. Their children refer to us as “rich” and comment that their uncle (my husband) makes a ton of money. We’re not rich by any stretch of the imagination. But they see us as such, I guess.

When groups of his family get together at restaurants, when the bill comes, well… you can guess how that goes. People act like they didn’t know someone would have to pay for all that food! It makes me want to avoid these situations altogether because, well, my husband and I find it a rare occasion when we afford to eat a nice dinner out together, yet we catch $200.00 restaurant bills for his family.

I agree he’s building up treasure in heaven when he gives of his time and expects absolutely nothing in return. I enjoy that once in a while, we can afford to treat people and help them out. But when I feel taken advantage of, or used even, I get irked. And that’s how this makes me feel.

Thank you for the clarification.
I can empathize with you AND your husband since we have had the same issues with our kids. They always promise to pay back, but we know they almost never will.

I agree with whatevergirl. There does need to be boundaries. Talk, or keep talking, to your husband about this. Charitably of course, for you don’t want this to hurt your marriage. Try to help him understand that while giving the money can be a Christian thing to do, so is withholding the money. These people will never “grow up” so long as their brother supports their poor habits.
This is a difficult situation and not easily resolved. Likely as not, no matter HOW carefully and kindly you go about letting these people know that the well is drying up, they will not accept it gratiously. Just don’t let their selfishness and unchristian behavior cause you to lose your cool.

May God guide you and your family.

Peace
James

 

[apromisemade]

That may just be the way it is/has been in his family as far as asking for and using each others things. That certainly doesn’t mean you’re selfish for being irritated about it.

It’s as much your money as it is his, feel free to let him know if you’re bothered by dishing it out to someone who ought to be paying their own way. He may not completely realize it irritates you since it, like I said, could just be the way things are in his family.

 

[Rascalking]

*Hi kittery;

I think you and your dh need to set up boundaries. There are people in life, family included, who take advantage of people’s generosity…that is what is happening here. We are expected to help those in need, by God…but when people start taking advantage of you, it’s time to set up some healthy boundaries. Just my thoughts. *

I agree. Being a catholic/Christian doesn’t mean being a doormat or a sponge for other people to leech on. Don’t let someone pull the Christian card on you. I believe in turning the other cheek, but if someone was beating up my mother, I’d stop it.

 

[kittery]

*Hi kittery;

I think you and your dh need to set up boundaries. There are people in life, family included, who take advantage of people’s generosity…that is what is happening here. We are expected to help those in need, by God…but when people start taking advantage of you, it’s time to set up some healthy boundaries. Just my thoughts. *

I think you’re right. I just don’t really know how to approach him because I don’t want him to see me as selfish. He’s the only one working right now, (if you remember, I’m a new grad RN who had a job but had to step back due to a current pregnancy), and so there’s that underlying current that makes me feel like I’m living on HIS money and not OUR money.

He spent the day out there today with his sister, hauling junk away, paying her dump fees and taking them out to eat. Before he left, I asked him if we were going to be paying for everything today and he said, “No, I’ll let them pay.” But he didn’t. I saw all of the charges on our bank account already when I signed on to pay some bills. He’s home now, but hasn’t relayed this information to me, I guess maybe he thought I wouldn’t notice? I’m the one who takes care of paying bills, so…? What do I say? I feel awkward, but lately he’s been spending a lot of money doing this.

We have not been a formal “budget” family, but maybe without directly approaching this subject, I could suggest setting up a budget and doing something like the envelope system? Then, if he wants to spend his money this way that’s fine? What do you think?

 

[Trishie]

I think you’re right. I just don’t really know how to approach him because I don’t want him to see me as selfish. He’s the only one working right now, (if you remember, I’m a new grad RN who had a job but had to step back due to a current pregnancy), and so there’s that underlying current that makes me feel like I’m living on HIS money and not OUR money.

… I could suggest setting up a budget and doing something like the envelope system? Then, if he wants to spend his money this way that’s fine? What do you think?

What a blessed man your husband is to have such a charitable and wise wife, and you to have a charitable husband!
Your last suggestion about his spending his money on his family is wise. It means that he can sort the issue out himself, without being untruthful to you.

It may be a different matter when you have children and he may need to reassess and balance his commitment to the children and his wife, and to his family.

 

[kittery]

What a blessed man your husband is to have such a charitable and wise wife, and you to have a charitable husband!
Your last suggestion about his spending his money on his family is wise. It means that he can sort the issue out himself, without being untruthful to you.

It may be a different matter when you have children and he may need to reassess and balance his commitment to the children and his wife, and to his family.

… This will be our 3rd child. Does that change your thoughts/advice?

 

[Catholic_Wife]

First, you and your husband are “one” so think of it as “our” money, not “his” money. Second, you might remind him that his first responsibility is to his family (you and your children) and not his family of origin. It’s not being selfish, it’s about him taking care of his responsibilities and obligations.

He spent the day out there today with his sister, hauling junk away, paying her dump fees and taking them out to eat. Before he left, I asked him if we were going to be paying for everything today and **he said, “No, I’ll let them pay.” But he didn’t.**I saw all of the charges on our bank account already when I signed on to pay some bills. He’s home now, but hasn’t relayed this information to me, I guess maybe he thought I wouldn’t notice? I’m the one who takes care of paying bills, so…? **What do I say? ** I feel awkward, but lately he’s been spending a lot of money doing this.

I am finding that using “feeling statements” such as “I felt (insert feeling here) when I saw the charges on our bank account.” is an effective way to tell someone what you want to say without placing blame or sounding accusatory.

 

[armywife]

Is he paying for things without them asking? For example the dump fees and gas, lunch etc. If he is, that’s on him. (I DO NOT mean the paying for car payments or other things like that, that is enabling and just plain nuts!) Is the money he spends on his siblings hurting your finances or does it just bother you? Also, if things need to be done around your house, ask him if her could finish those things first before he goes to his siblings to help.

I don’t see you as selfish, but it just depends on what they are asking for. By the way, what do all the other sibs think about these two in particular. Do the others think they are using him or in general users? That might help put things in perspective.

 

[kittery]

Is he paying for things without them asking? For example the dump fees and gas, lunch etc. If he is, that’s on him. (I DO NOT mean the paying for car payments or other things like that, that is enabling and just plain nuts!) **Is the money he spends on his siblings hurting your finances or does it just bother you? **Also, if things need to be done around your house, ask him if her could finish those things first before he goes to his siblings to help.

I don’t see you as selfish, but it just depends on what they are asking for. By the way, what do all the other sibs think about these two in particular. **Do the others think they are using him or in general users? **That might help put things in perspective.

It’s a little bit of both, I guess. They’ll ask for his help, then when he goes over there they’ll tell him what a bind they’re in and can’t even pay their bills, etc. and then they know how it will go from there. He will pay. But both of these people find money to smoke cigarettes with, buy wine and beer with, even gamble with! Sheesh! So, my heart doesn’t feel as generous toward them as it would toward someone who is making every genuine effort on their own. So, even though they don’t, in every instance, ask him outright, they know what to say to push his buttons.

The money he spends on them doesn’t break us, but we have major medical expenses coming up with a new baby on the way and school loans coming due now from nursing school that are increasing our monthly expenses, and in general I would say we don’t have a bunch of “disposable” income right now with me not working.

There are only a handful of sibs who would be able to help out if asked, and a few of them have grown tired of the “handouts” as well when they see that they’re still able to smoke and gamble when they’re supposedly so broke they can’t pay their own way. When we first met, my husband mentioned his own irritation way back then about always being asked for $200 here and $200 there only to find out that he was funding casino trips for his brother. The first time his brother asked us for money after we were married and had our first child on the way, I protested and my husband told his brother no. But then there was the car payment fiasco and the unpaid bills fiasco, and it trickles on and on. Like I said, it’s especially irritating when the only time you hear from them is when they want something.

 

[JRKH]

**What a blessed man your husband is to have such a charitable and wise wife, and you to have a charitable husband! **
Your last suggestion about his spending his money on his family is wise. It means that he can sort the issue out himself, without being untruthful to you.

It may be a different matter when you have children and he may need to reassess and balance his commitment to the children and his wife, and to his family.

I second this

Peace
James

 

[JRKH]

Kittery,

We use to receive calls from our children from time to time in need of money. We would generally “loan” it to them, never expecting to see it again.
A few years back, after my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers we had to let our Children know that “The bank was closed” due to our changed circumstances.
I e-mailed them a letter explaining that we needed to hold on to every cent we had for the time that I would have to quit work and take care of their mom. That we would have money to live on, but none to spare.

Perhaps this is something that you and your husband could consider. That is, once you’ve talked things over and come to agreement. You could write or e-mail or whatever to ALL the family members (so no one feels singled out) something like:

“Due to the current state of the economy and to our changing situations (new baby and you not working) we find ourselves in the position of not being able to be as generous as we have been. We want everyone to know this so that no one feels hurt that we cannot help as we have in the past.
We Love everyone of you and will certainly be available to help in non-monitary ways…”

Hopefully something like this, a very well thought out and charitably written letter will avoid some hurt feelings in the family as well as prevent those awkward situations of having to say no on the phone or whatever without real explanation.

Just a thought.

Peace
James

 

[armywife]

Well, with what you say they spend it on I would be annoyed too. It’s not like he’s really helping out, he’s just being guilted into giving them money so they can continue their habits. I guess it is time to have a talk, very carefully as other posters have said.