Am I obligated to marry him?

[AdriannaJean]

A couple years ago I started dating this guy. For simplicity’s sake lets call him Bob. At the time neither of us were religious, he was a virgin, I was not. We started having sex, but then later in the relationship we “rediscovered” Catholicism and stopped having sex.

A few months after we stopped having sex, the problems in our relationship came to the surface (taking out the physical aspect really put a magnifying glass on the emotional intimacy and issues). Eventually it reached a breaking point and we decided to take 6 months to a year apart to deal with our own issues. But then he started reacting…badly…threatening suicide and the like, then ignoring me, then begging for me back then trying to woo me. It was a different thing every day.

This really showed me that he was immature and unable to deal with life on his own, which means that he isn’t ready for any kind of commitment. My question is, since I took his virginity before we found Christ, am I morally obligated to marry him later so that he will only ever have sex with one person?

 

[ChristinaM]

Absolutely not. You made a mistake. There is no reason to compound that mistake with the even greater tragedy of a failed marriage to an immature man with psychological issues. I really doubt you “took” his virginity without his cooperation, either. Just because he was a virgin doesn’t mean you are culpable for his actions. God bless.

 

[saieditor]

A couple years ago I started dating this guy. For simplicity’s sake lets call him Bob. At the time neither of us were religious, he was a virgin, I was not. We started having sex, but then later in the relationship we “rediscovered” Catholicism and stopped having sex.

Good.

A few months after we stopped having sex, the problems in our relationship came to the surface (taking out the physical aspect really put a magnifying glass on the emotional intimacy and issues). Eventually it reached a breaking point and we decided to take 6 months to a year apart to deal with our own issues. But then he started reacting…badly…threatening suicide and the like, then ignoring me, then begging for me back then trying to woo me. It was a different thing every day.

He is manipulating you and failing to manage himself. Are you responsible for him? Who has to manage his mind? You or him? Only he can change his mind, and he has to do it from within, with self control, self sacrifice, self-respect (which he has none of going by what you have supplied here) self-discipline and self awareness. He has to climb the ladder. He has to assault the throne of grace for whatever graces he needs.

If you marry him, nothing will change. Is this what you want?

This really showed me that he was immature and unable to deal with life on his own, which means that he isn’t ready for any kind of commitment.

That is the correct, common sense analysis of this situation. Every other woman in the neighbourhood would agree with you.

My question is, since I took his virginity before we found Christ, am I morally obligated to marry him later so that he will only ever have sex with one person?

No, I agree with the last poster, you are not responsible for his choices, nor his virginity. He is. He makes the choice, blame is simply assigning responsibility for personal circumstances to another. As you say, he is immature and he has to take responsibility for where he is in his life.

YOU are *not *responsible, nor obligated.

The **only **obligation you have is to make God in Christ the Centre of your life.

 

[jmcrae]

No, you are certainly not obligated to marry him.

What you need to look for in a man is his ability to be a good father to your children, and a good provider for the family, in addition to compatibility in the areas of religion, family customs, finances, housekeeping, and communication. Someone who was raised in the same general environment that you were would probably be the best choice.

Remember, marriage is a partnership for the purpose of establishing a family; not a personality improvement project.

That probably sounds hopelessly old-fashioned and unromantic - but I have reached a stage in life where I have realized that when you are looking for a candidate to fill a position - husband, father, accountant, clerk, whatever - you need to get someone who is already qualified for the job - it’s too dicey to assume that you can “train on the job,” so to speak - and the rush of hormonal attraction does not conquer all.

 

[larsenl1]

A couple years ago I started dating this guy. For simplicity’s sake lets call him Bob. At the time neither of us were religious, he was a virgin, I was not. We started having sex, but then later in the relationship we “rediscovered” Catholicism and stopped having sex.

A few months after we stopped having sex, the problems in our relationship came to the surface (taking out the physical aspect really put a magnifying glass on the emotional intimacy and issues). Eventually it reached a breaking point and we decided to take 6 months to a year apart to deal with our own issues. But then he started reacting…badly…threatening suicide and the like, then ignoring me, then begging for me back then trying to woo me. It was a different thing every day.

This really showed me that he was immature and unable to deal with life on his own, which means that he isn’t ready for any kind of commitment. My question is, since I took his virginity before we found Christ, am I morally obligated to marry him later so that he will only ever have sex with one person?

It sounds to me like after you came back to the church you have embraced the Catholic world view and that “Bob” has still not got it. He is attempting to treat you like something to satisfy him. Even if you are not having intimate relations, he still craves you. He wants you for what you can do for him emotionally. This goes against Pope John Paul II teaching on theology of the body. Anyone that you marry should see you as his bride, and want to give himself to you. Seeing you as an object to satisfy his needs, mental or physical, is not correct.

Also, love is a verb not a feeling. Love is a decision to give yourself to your spouse through the sacrament of marriage. If you were to marry this man, I would even wonder if it would be a valid marriage. You would be marrying him to keep him from the occasion of sin but would you truly be offering yourself to him as a gift of God? I don’t want to get too abstract here, but marriage is hard work and sometimes you have to take a step back from the emotion and the person and look at the marriage from this wide perspective. I think you need to sever your relationship with this man and look for a man who his strong in his faith to be your spouse and the father of your children.

-happily married for 19 years, but it is not a cake walk.

 

[mesurman]

A couple years ago I started dating this guy. For simplicity’s sake lets call him Bob. At the time neither of us were religious, he was a virgin, I was not. We started having sex, but then later in the relationship we “rediscovered” Catholicism and stopped having sex.

A few months after we stopped having sex, the problems in our relationship came to the surface (taking out the physical aspect really put a magnifying glass on the emotional intimacy and issues). Eventually it reached a breaking point and we decided to take 6 months to a year apart to deal with our own issues. But then he started reacting…badly…threatening suicide and the like, then ignoring me, then begging for me back then trying to woo me. It was a different thing every day.

This really showed me that he was immature and unable to deal with life on his own, which means that he isn’t ready for any kind of commitment. My question is, since I took his virginity before we found Christ, am I morally obligated to marry him later so that he will only ever have sex with one person?

NO! You are not obligated to marry him. Go with your gut. Get out of the relationship and move on. A second mistake will not erase the first. I have been married 25 years and have six children, three of which are of marrying age and I would and have counseled them to choose a spouse wisely. I would tell my daughter exactly the same thing. God Bless.

 

[Christy_Beth]

Just because he claims he was a virgin when you met, doesn’t make it so. My ex used the same line. “I was a virgin when we met.” After awhile, I finally figured out that he couldn’t have been (there were a few indicators) I felt like a big dunce. You aren’t responsible for him. Tell him to get lost. If he continues to harrass you, file a police report or whatever. Just get as far away from him as you can.

 

[estesbob]

A couple years ago I started dating this guy. For simplicity’s sake lets call him Bob. At the time neither of us were religious, he was a virgin, I was not. We started having sex, but then later in the relationship we “rediscovered” Catholicism and stopped having sex.

A few months after we stopped having sex, the problems in our relationship came to the surface (taking out the physical aspect really put a magnifying glass on the emotional intimacy and issues). Eventually it reached a breaking point and we decided to take 6 months to a year apart to deal with our own issues. But then he started reacting…badly…threatening suicide and the like, then ignoring me, then begging for me back then trying to woo me. It was a different thing every day.

This really showed me that he was immature and unable to deal with life on his own, which means that he isn’t ready for any kind of commitment. My question is, since I took his virginity before we found Christ, am I morally obligated to marry him later so that he will only ever have sex with one person?

NO-the worst thing you could do for both of you is to marry him out of some false sense of obligation.

 

[Reepicheep]

It sounds like he’s trying to blackmail you into doing what he wants.
Also sounds like he’d be a terrible husband.
No. You are under no obligation whatever to him.

 

[baltobetsy]

Good heavens, NO, you are not obligated to marry him. If there is ANY obligation here, it is yours to protect yourself from the likes of him. RUN!!!

Betsy

 

[rpp]

Absolutely not. Past sins do not obligate us to make decisions against our will.

The threats of suicide are clear manipulation. I have experienced that before. I would suggest that you speak carefully with your priest and some well meaning and faithful Catholic friends. I could give you advice, but I think that any kind of advice you might get on an anonymous Internet forum should be suspect. With that said, I would suggest that you consider terminating communication and contact with him.

 

[danonwaveland]

NO! NO! NO!

A good Christ-centered marriage is one of the most wonderful things in life. A bad marriage is one of the worst things in life. Whenver in doubt, don’t marry. And this young man has a lot of growing up to do – plus probably needs some counseling. Don’t let him manipulate you. A prayer is going up for you.

God bless,
Dan

 

[TLM08]

A couple years ago I started dating this guy. For simplicity’s sake lets call him Bob. At the time neither of us were religious, he was a virgin, I was not. We started having sex, but then later in the relationship we “rediscovered” Catholicism and stopped having sex.

A few months after we stopped having sex, the problems in our relationship came to the surface (taking out the physical aspect really put a magnifying glass on the emotional intimacy and issues). Eventually it reached a breaking point and we decided to take 6 months to a year apart to deal with our own issues. But then he started reacting…badly…threatening suicide and the like, then ignoring me, then begging for me back then trying to woo me. It was a different thing every day.

This really showed me that he was immature and unable to deal with life on his own, which means that he isn’t ready for any kind of commitment. My question is, since I took his virginity before we found Christ, am I morally obligated to marry him later so that he will only ever have sex with one person?

ABSOLUTELY NOT! This guys sounds like trouble.

 

[Ron_Conte]

But then he started reacting…badly…threatening suicide and the like, then ignoring me, then begging for me back then trying to woo me. It was a different thing every day.

This really showed me that he was immature and unable to deal with life on his own, which means that he isn’t ready for any kind of commitment. My question is, since I took his virginity before we found Christ, am I morally obligated to marry him later so that he will only ever have sex with one person?

Sexual relations inherently binds the couple together emotionally, and so having sex outside of marriage, and then breaking up, results in emotional turmoil.

 

[jmcrae]

You know, in my younger years, I had a guy following me around who threatened to commit suicide, and he asked me one time, “What would you do if I committed suicide?” and being somewhat literal-minded (and not realizing that he was looking for a pity-party) I said, “I’d go to the funeral, cry a bit, and lay flowers on your grave.”

He looked astonished; he said, “That’s it?!” I said, “What else?”

We then got into an argument about it, and I made it absolutely clear to him that I didn’t consider myself responsible for his reactions to things (I had been in therapy because of the effects on me of my father’s alcoholism for several years before that, and had the “taking personal responsibility for one’s own emotions” talk memorized by that time) and after a while he realized that he couldn’t manipulate me, so he left, and I never have seen him again. I have absolutely no idea what happened to him, but I assume he took responsibility for his life and went on to do well for himself.