Am I obligated to tell?

[km112482]

I have a situation here that has bothered me for a long time. Here is the background on it. My soon to be ex sister -n- law is also one of my best friends for a couple of years now even before I was even dating my now husband. Her and my brother n law are getting a divorce, I feel as though it is partially my fault. She was talking with a guy since around last may. She always told me he was just calling her and that she really didnt know how to brush him off that nothing was going on. She didnt tell me to much being that I was married to her husband’s brother so she didnt want to get me in the middle of it all. Well needless to say their relationship was way more than just talking. Her and her husband had been fighting and not getting along after about 3 months of marriage, and meeting this guy again which was someone she had dated in the past was even more of a reason to end the marriage. Well anyway, in october of last year after I had my little girl she began to tell me more about what was going on with this other guy. My husband over heard me on the phone outside talking about it and he asked me to tell him the truth. I just couldnt lie to him so I told him what was going on. He did not tell his brother at first. Well a week later, my friend really was ready to leave my brother n law. But it was like he refused to let her leave. So finally my husband just told him everything. Well needless to say that ended the marriage. She told the family that they were only talking for about two weeks and that it wasnt what anyone thought. Well recently she told me that she had slept with my other brother n law. They have been friends for years. And he professed his love for her. She said it was a moment of insanity for her and that it will never happen again. This happened before the split up. Well anyway. The problem I have is was I wrong for telling my husband after he over heard me and do I have an obligation to tell the other information I know or should I respect my friends privacy because really it isnt for me to be telling anyone. I mean I just hate the whole situation, but I cant even stand to look at my other brother n law I think he is disgusting for doing this to his own brother. And he still tries calling her to go sleep over at his house. It just really is bothering me I dont know what to do anymore. Can someone give me an opinion on this. I know that this is a long post, but I had a lot to explain.

God Bless, Kerri

 

[martino]

I think that you did the right thing. That would be a difficult situation for anybody to be in, but I would have done exactly what you did.

I hope you do not feel guilty in anyway. You had absolutely nothing to do with the break up of their marriage. You were able to provide some much needed clarity on a situation that desparately needed it and everyone is better off that you did.

 

[km112482]

martino:

I think that you did the right thing. That would be a difficult situation for anybody to be in, but I would have done exactly what you did.

I hope you do not feel guilty in anyway. You had absolutely nothing to do with the break up of their marriage. You were able to provide some much needed clarity on a situation that desparately needed it and everyone is better off that you did.

I know I just wish they could have worked out their problems before everything went that far.

I am really worried about the rest of the story that I know. I just dont know if it is wrong of me to keep this to myself. But I dont want to violate my friend’s confidence in me. She was not mad about what happened with my husband over hearing us it actually was a relief to her cause it got her out of her marriage. I just hate knowing the other details I wish I did not know. I will just pray about this and ask the holy spirit to help me out with this one.

Thanks and God Bless,
Kerri

 

[Kater30]

km112482:

I know I just wish they could have worked out their problems before everything went that far.

I am really worried about the rest of the story that I know. I just dont know if it is wrong of me to keep this to myself. But I dont want to violate my friend’s confidence in me. She was not mad about what happened with my husband over hearing us it actually was a relief to her cause it got her out of her marriage. I just hate knowing the other details I wish I did not know. I will just pray about this and ask the holy spirit to help me out with this one.

Thanks and God Bless,
Kerri

I think that what this lady is doing is worse than you telling your husband. It’s like she’s mad because she got caught. It’s not like you told the town gossip, you told your husband, who as I take it, is one with you since you took your marriage vows. So, I don’t think it is wrong of you to tell these things to your husband if you don’t know what to do. Just don’t do it in a gossipy way…which I don’t think you will. Pray about it and pray for her and the men involved. I’ll say a little prayer too.

God Bless,
Katie

 

[martino]

km112482:

I know I just wish they could have worked out their problems before everything went that far.

I am really worried about the rest of the story that I know. I just dont know if it is wrong of me to keep this to myself. But I dont want to violate my friend’s confidence in me. She was not mad about what happened with my husband over hearing us it actually was a relief to her cause it got her out of her marriage. I just hate knowing the other details I wish I did not know. I will just pray about this and ask the holy spirit to help me out with this one.

Thanks and God Bless,
Kerri

Dont you think that since the marriage is over, the information that you still have has sort of lost it’s value?

I mean, nothing is won or lost if the information became known; nor is anything won or lost if the information remains secret.

I think it is best to keep what you know to yourself only because it has no real value to anyone at this point in time. If their marriage was still hanging in the balance it would be a trickier situation for you but I do not see any reason to reveal anything more. The little that was known was enough to settle the matter once and for all.

If the situation ever changes and you feel that the information could be helpful in some way then you could reconsider at that time. I hope that I havent misunderstood the essence of your problem!

 

[km112482]

martino:

Dont you think that since the marriage is over, the information that you still have has sort of lost it’s value?

I mean, nothing is won or lost if the information became known; nor is anything won or lost if the information remains secret.

I think it is best to keep what you know to yourself only because it has no real value to anyone at this point in time. If their marriage was still hanging in the balance it would be a trickier situation for you but I do not see any reason to reveal anything more. The little that was known was enough to settle the matter once and for all.

If the situation ever changes and you feel that the information could be helpful in some way then you could reconsider at that time. I hope that I havent misunderstood the essence of your problem!

I agree with that. My problem is he emails her and calls her still. He said that he loves her. He asks her to go sleep over and all that. She does not go though. I just wish I didnt know any of that maybe I will ask her to just keep me out of all that situation.

God Bless, Kerri

 

[martino]

km112482:

I agree with that. My problem is he emails her and calls her still. He said that he loves her. He asks her to go sleep over and all that. She does not go though. I just wish I didnt know any of that maybe I will ask her to just keep me out of all that situation.

God Bless, Kerri

That would be the best thing for sure. She needs to leave you out of it because she is keeping you in the mix for some reason and that is causing you stress. I would just ask her not to mention any of this to you anymore. You can also tell her that you do not keep secrets from your husband and it is in her best interest to keep her sex life to herself! I know that is hard since you have become friends but she needs to realize that you are a part of the family and you have an obligation to them as well. She is also putting you in the occasion of sin when she gossips to you because it is way to easy to follow along with gossip.

I wonder if she expects that you will tell your husband or not.

 

[Loboto-Me]

Another problem that wasn’t mentioned is that if you do mention this to your husband and word got out to you bother-in-law, that would cause family problems.

It’s best for the brother to tell his own brother about his feelings for his ex-wife (if he chooses to do so). I think you should not mention anything, as well as tell your friend not to give you delicate information like she has.

 

[km112482]

Loboto-Me:

Another problem that wasn’t mentioned is that if you do mention this to your husband and word got out to you bother-in-law, that would cause family problems.

It’s best for the brother to tell his own brother about his feelings for his ex-wife (if he chooses to do so). I think you should not mention anything, as well as tell your friend not to give you delicate information like she has.

That is the exact reason why I decided to keep it to myself. I really dont want their family to go through that kind of problem.

As for her telling me things, I know that I should tell her not to, but we already got into it about this and she said I should be able to be her friend and his sister n law. She also vents to me about all her fights with her exhusband. She said she doesnt see the big deal cause if he was not my brother n law we would be talking about this either way. It is just hard cause I feel like that is wrong for me to have to hear all this, but I feel like I am not a good friend if she cant even tell me her problems u know.

Believe me the situation is very tough. My brother n law is very bitter over this and calls her everday and calls her the most ugly names that I wouldnt even write on here. They have a 2 year old son, and it saddens me to see that they cant even be civil for his sake. I know he is just angry, but it puts a strain on me cause I have to hear it all the time. I want to say politely you know keep me out of it, but I just dont know how without her being offended.

I guess the truth hurts sometimes though. I think I will just talk to her about this and tell her that I am sure there are other things we can talk about besides this.

 

[Mom_of_one]

Based on your last post, I’d say don’t reveal any more of what you know. Why? Because the ex-husband is calling her nasty names and there is a child involved. I don’t know if the child can hear it or not, but even if he can’t, he can sense that mommy is hurt and upset by what daddy says and that is very bad for the child. Also, another thing to think about: if you have asked her not to reveal any more to you and she says that you should be able to “be her friend and his sister-in-law”, she is NOT respecting your boundaries. This puts you under stress and what kind of friend does that, esp. knowing that her ex is your husband’s brother? Maybe some emotional distance is needed.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

martino:

Dont you think that since the marriage is over, the information that you still have has sort of lost it’s value?

Yes. It puts you in the position akin to telling someone the sins of their deceased husband. You aren’t going to head off disaster by sharing this. Not only that, you might be making it harder to have a civilized relationship for the sake of the son.

The next time she decides to share with you, stop her and tell her that there is a right place to share this, and it isn’t with you. For the sake of the son, whom you love, you should just refuse to hear it. That is what* he* would want to hear if he overheard you and was old enough to understand. In fact, he would bless you for being that one voice of sanity in his life! If he ever asks you, you should be able to honestly say, “Dear, I told them they were hurting you by their talk, and that I wouldn’t hear it. I willed myself to forget the rest. It served no one when it was happening, and thank goodness, it is in the past. I only wish I could have done more, but honestly, dear one, there was nothing to be done.”

Tell both of them that their job is to figure out how to get along and respect the other parent of their beloved son… and spreading dirt within the family isn’t the way to do it. If they need to vent, they need to go elsewhere.

As far as that other brother-in-law, if what you have heard is true he’ll be turned out of the family for his treachery. He ought to be ashamed if he truly is doing what your soon-to-be-ex sister-in-law says. It may not be true, though–for heaven’s sake, he doesn’t come around confessing to you too, does he?–so keep that in mind. What you have at this point is just gossip. Still, if she insists on keeping up with her accusations after your warnings to her to keep her own counsel, you have every right to tell him privately what is being said about him and warning him of the possible consequences.

 

[km112482]

BLB_Oregon:

Yes. It puts you in the position akin to telling someone the sins of their deceased husband. You aren’t going to head off disaster by sharing this. Not only that, you might be making it harder to have a civilized relationship for the sake of the son.

The next time she decides to share with you, stop her and tell her that there is a right place to share this, and it isn’t with you. For the sake of the son, whom you love, you should just refuse to hear it. That is what* he* would want to hear if he overheard you and was old enough to understand. In fact, he would bless you for being that one voice of sanity in his life! If he ever asks you, you should be able to honestly say, “Dear, I told them they were hurting you by their talk, and that I wouldn’t hear it. I willed myself to forget the rest. It served no one when it was happening, and thank goodness, it is in the past. I only wish I could have done more, but honestly, dear one, there was nothing to be done.”

Tell both of them that their job is to figure out how to get along and respect the other parent of their beloved son… and spreading dirt within the family isn’t the way to do it. If they need to vent, they need to go elsewhere.

As far as that other brother-in-law, if what you have heard is true he’ll be turned out of the family for his treachery. He ought to be ashamed if he truly is doing what your soon-to-be-ex sister-in-law says. It may not be true, though–for heaven’s sake, he doesn’t come around confessing to you too, does he?–so keep that in mind. What you have at this point is just gossip. Still, if she insists on keeping up with her accusations after your warnings to her to keep her own counsel, you have every right to tell him privately what is being said about him and warning him of the possible consequences.

Well I dont understand what you mean at the time about deceased husband because her husband didnt die he is still alive.

I do agree with not telling the family this information. I dont want to start trouble for them when they have been through alot already. I just wish that my friend and my brother n law can try to get along for the sake of their child.

As for my brother n law he has no clue I know about the situation, but I have seen emails he has sent her. I surely don t see why she would make up something like that anyway.

I just think the best solution is for me to say I just dont want to hear about any of it anymore. I mean my in laws respect that. Actually when I am around them we never discuss the issue. I think once the divorce is final things will get better and all this will die down.

The reason I started this post really was just to see if I was commiting a sin by knowing all this information and keeping it to my self, and if it was a mortal sin because I told my husband the first situation after he overheard me discussing it. I was examining my conscience for confession, and was just wondering if I needed to tell my priest that I commited a sin against my neighbor by telling something I was told in confidence. I just have hard time with all this. I love my friend she has always been a wonderful friend, but my husband and my family do come first you know. I just wish the situation wasnt so difficult. We already arent as close friends as we used to be, and I dont want to push her further and further away. Thanks everyone for the advice.

God Bless, Kerri

 

[chevalier]

I haven’t read anything like official teaching of the Church in the matter, but here’s what I think:

It’s wrong to give away secrets, as a rule. It undermines trust, deceives the person confiding in you etc. There’s a difference between hearing about someone’s past sins and keeping them secret, and helping someone cover tracks.

Did you have an obligation to tell your husband when he asked? I don’t know. Did you have an obligation to make sure the news reach the man betrayed by the woman? I don’t know. Or maybe you should have kept it in secret and prayed for them instead? I don’t know, either. But I don’t think you could have done morally wrong by choosing either option in accordance with your conscience.

You would have a problem if you had spread the news for sensation value. You would have a problem if you had kept everything in secret out of a sense of solidarity with the betrayer. You could have a problem if you had told things or kept them secret out of fear, without believing you had been doing the right thing.

But if you were acting in accordance with your conscience and without a selfish or malicious motive, I don’t see how you could have done wrong morally.