Am I over-reacting?

  • Thread starter Thread starter ela2
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
E

ela2

Guest
I cannot help but feel annoyed and uncomfortable every time my mother in law calls my unborn baby (baby name starts with R) her darling R. Besides this, most of the time, she asks, “How is my grandson doing?” instead of genuinely asking about my health. Never once has she referred to the baby as ‘your baby’. Recently we made the mistake of telling her that we talk and sing to the baby and ever since then she is after us to talk to him about her. (I mean we are only talking/singing to the baby so he may be able to recognize our voices and feel soothed once he is here).

I find it very creepy. MIL has severely violated our boundaries in the past, and she has been called on for doing so, but apparently has not understood anything, as I see things are getting weird again. Am I over-reacting? Should I do/say something about this before it goes out of hand? So far I ignore these kinds of comments and don’t say anything, but find that it later bothers me a lot.

I told DH about it, but he is very simple and said I was over-reacting.

Would appreciate your views, advice, etc,
 
I don’t think you are over reacting. You might want to come up with a few things to say to her when she starts in on you. Like, when she asks “how is my grandson doing?” Say something like, “Oh, I’m sure she is doing fine.” 😉
 
If she has had boundary issues in the past then I tend to think you are not over reacting. Talk it over with your husband and ask him what he thinks the best way to handle all of this would be. He may be able to handle it for you so that you don’t have to deal with it at all 🙂 Good luck and congrats on your baby!!
 
Christy_Beth said:
I don’t think you are over reacting. You might want to come up with a few things to say to her when she starts in on you. Like, when she asks “how is my grandson doing?” Say something like, “Oh, I’m sure she is doing fine.” 😉
Click to expand...
😃 , thanks… nice one!
 
dolly_finn said:
If she has had boundary issues in the past then I tend to think you are not over reacting. Talk it over with your husband and ask him what he thinks the best way to handle all of this would be. He may be able to handle it for you so that you don’t have to deal with it at all 🙂 Good luck and congrats on your baby!!
Click to expand...
Thank you very much, I will try to do this!
 
ela2 said:
I told DH about it, but he is very simple …
Click to expand...
Lol. That obviously means something unoffensive but where I’m from it means a bit more like :dancing:“Folks are dumb where I come from, They ain’t had any learning. Still they’re happy as can be Doin’ what comes naturally”
 
ela2 said:
I cannot help but feel annoyed and uncomfortable every time my mother in law calls my unborn baby (baby name starts with R) her darling R. Besides this, most of the time, she asks, “How is my grandson doing?” instead of genuinely asking about my health. Never once has she referred to the baby as ‘your baby’. Recently we made the mistake of telling her that we talk and sing to the baby and ever since then she is after us to talk to him about her. (I mean we are only talking/singing to the baby so he may be able to recognize our voices and feel soothed once he is here).

I find it very creepy. MIL has severely violated our boundaries in the past, and she has been called on for doing so, but apparently has not understood anything, as I see things are getting weird again. Am I over-reacting? Should I do/say something about this before it goes out of hand? So far I ignore these kinds of comments and don’t say anything, but find that it later bothers me a lot.

I told DH about it, but he is very simple and said I was over-reacting.

Would appreciate your views, advice, etc,
Click to expand...
My apparently unpopular opinion is yeah, you’re over-reacting. I wish I had had any mother near to me when I was expecting. She’s your child’s grandmother. She means well. This is not a hill to die on. Part of being married is to get along with your in-laws. Maybe she’s not exactly your cup of tea…but she’s your husband’s mother. A little respect would soften her to you, as well.
Peace, and congratulations on your beloved baby. Happy that so many are thrilled about your son. It’s not creepy.
God bless you all.
 
Ela,

Oh; I don’t think you should ‘call her on it’ at all…

She’s obviously excited and thrilled to be a Nana and; in asking for you to mention her whilst talking to the baby; I would assume that she misunderstands the reason behind chatting to your unborn child.

Different people act differently. For example; I had no problem with random people patting my tummy or blessing my son when he was tiny. My sister, however; took HUGE offence at these gestures. If you truly feel, in your heart, that her intention is to irritate you, then respond as you feel appropriate. However, if her clear intention is wanting to share in your excitement and joy and to get to know her grandbaby as soon and as well as possible; be kind. After all; please God you’ll me a Nana yourself one fine day! How will/would you feel?

Best of luck with your confinement, my dear!

Jenny x
 
Believe me, you are not over-reacting. Your DH is used to having her overstep boundaries so he doesn’t even notice. And I guarantee it will only get worse once the baby is here.

I agree with a PP that it is desirable to have a good relationship with your in-laws, but that won’t be possible if she constantly oversteps. Someone In my family is dealing with this now, and the only thing that seems to be working is a calm, dispassionate discussion with your DH of the situation in general, not when an issue arises. Point out the areas of concern you have, and then when instances of them occur, calmly point them out to him. After a while, he’ll begin to see what you mean.

This is much more effective if you do genuinely appreciate whatever nice things she does also.

In the meantime, a little humor can go a long way: “How is grandson? Fine, and so is the incubator pod that’s carrying him. Thanks for asking.”
 
I can only say that my two grandmothers are very different - from one, such statements/actions would be entirely innocent, from the other not so much. Two people can say the same thing and have it reflect entirely different ways of thinking. If your MIL is anything like my still living grandmother, I would say that you are not overreacting. It is entirely likely that the posters who have said she is just excited are completely correct, however since excitement leads different people to behave differently, I don’t think that necessarily means that you should dismiss this.

I have once or twice had to hang up on my grandmother when her excitement about something happening in our family (that she was justifiably excited about) caused her to start insulting my mother to me and generally trying - perhaps not consciously - to turn part of my family against another part in order to draw attention to herself. And it always starts with something like what you say is happening now, a sort of viewing and refering to other people only in relation to herself. So perhaps (hopefully) nothing bad will happen, and I’m not sure you actually need to do anything at this point, but if she has a history of boundary issues, I would at least be prepared.

My other grandmother, on the other hand, refered to everyone has her dear X or similar, and was generally always nice and supportive (at least that I’m aware of). So it could be innocent, but you would know better than anyone on the internet.
 
I don’t think those comments are bad in and of themselves. My parents say stuff like that about their grandchildren (e.g. calling one “my grandson”) all the time and they couldn’t love the father, the mother and the grandchildren more! And they might ask about how an unborn grandchild is doing, but when doing so they mean both the mother and the grandchild as a unit.

But you say she has a history of ignoring boundaries, so it’s really tough to interpret this data that you have given us without knowing what that history is.

Also why do you call your husband “simple”? That sounds like a harsh insult to direct at one’s own husband, but maybe I’m misunderstanding you. I hope I’m misunderstanding you.

In the end: your husband has an obligation to stand up for you to his mother. Likewise, you have an obligation to do your best not to alienate his mother, only going to him with this when it’s reasonable.
 
ela2, you are not overreacting.

Google “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” and see if this fits your mother in law.

The fact that she is in the habit of seriously violating boundaries together with the fact that your gut reaction is to be creeped out are signs that these are not sweet innocent affectionate thoughts from the new Nana.
 
Why is “simple” viewed as an insult? Jesus tells us to be simple, and many spiritual classics urge us to be simple. Being a person of simple tastes is a good thing, too. I read the OP’s mention of her husband’s simplicity to mean that he is an uncomplicated, straightforward kind of soul who is less affected by the machinations of others.

Ela,
I do think you may have cause for concern, but only time will tell. With my FIL, I get no acknowledgement from him that I have needs and am a human person with feelings and health of which to be considerate. I stopped caring about that years ago. Some in-laws are like that with their daughter-in-law. But, I do not think you are overreacting. Just keep your eyes and ears open, and try to accept the fact that your MIL may not really have any sense of empathy or compassion toward you. That may change, hopefully it will, but in the meantime, take care of yourself. Sometimes we have to put up walls around our heart with some people, while still being as kind as we can be from behind our boundaries.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
 
pianistclare said:
My apparently unpopular opinion is yeah, you’re over-reacting. I wish I had had any mother near to me when I was expecting. She’s your child’s grandmother. She means well. This is not a hill to die on. Part of being married is to get along with your in-laws. Maybe she’s not exactly your cup of tea…but she’s your husband’s mother. A little respect would soften her to you, as well.
Peace, and congratulations on your beloved baby. Happy that so many are thrilled about your son. It’s not creepy.
God bless you all.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your reply. The reason This is stressing me out is due to terrible past experiences with her all of which I cannot type in here and would rather have no mother at all than a one who causes sever trauma. I have always had great respect towards my Inlaws but like I said we have been disrespected and our boundaries violated eg. Mil barging into our bedroom twice when we had just gotten married. Luckily we were only sleeping and woke up in shock both times. This is just a small example and some might find it funny but it shook me to pieces. Similar things but on different levels continued until dh was pushed to speak to his mother to stop doing such things. It took 2 years to make dh understand that mothers behavior was not normal.
 
Book_Worm said:
Believe me, you are not over-reacting. Your DH is used to having her overstep boundaries so he doesn’t even notice. And I guarantee it will only get worse once the baby is here.

I agree with a PP that it is desirable to have a good relationship with your in-laws, but that won’t be possible if she constantly oversteps. Someone In my family is dealing with this now, and the only thing that seems to be working is a calm, dispassionate discussion with your DH of the situation in general, not when an issue arises. Point out the areas of concern you have, and then when instances of them occur, calmly point them out to him. After a while, he’ll begin to see what you mean.

This is much more effective if you do genuinely appreciate whatever nice things she does also.

In the meantime, a little humor can go a long way: “How is grandson? Fine, and so is the incubator pod that’s carrying him. Thanks for asking.”
Click to expand...
Thanks for your reply. Apparently you have been able to read between the lines of my poorly explained text. Yes dh doesn’t understand much about boundaries as while growing up and in his home he had none.
 
VeritasLuxMea;11800100 said:
Yes you have misunderstood. It is actually a compliment. I mean my husband isn’t as shrewd as I am. It is not easy for him to understand indirect remarks, manipulation, and so on and must be given many examples and explanations before he realizes that someone is actually taking advantage. He really has a heart of gold and hardly ever sees the bad in others.
Click to expand...
 
mommamaree said:
Why is “simple” viewed as an insult? Jesus tells us to be simple, and many spiritual classics urge us to be simple. Being a person of simple tastes is a good thing, too. I read the OP’s mention of her husband’s simplicity to mean that he is an uncomplicated, straightforward kind of soul who is less affected by the machinations of others.

Ela,
I do think you may have cause for concern, but only time will tell. With my FIL, I get no acknowledgement from him that I have needs and am a human person with feelings and health of which to be considerate. I stopped caring about that years ago. Some in-laws are like that with their daughter-in-law. But, I do not think you are overreacting. Just keep your eyes and ears open, and try to accept the fact that your MIL may not really have any sense of empathy or compassion toward you. That may change, hopefully it will, but in the meantime, take care of yourself. Sometimes we have to put up walls around our heart with some people, while still being as kind as we can be from behind our boundaries.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Click to expand...
Thanks mommamaree.
 
ela2 said:
I cannot help but feel annoyed and uncomfortable every time my mother in law calls my unborn baby (baby name starts with R) her darling R. Besides this, most of the time, she asks, “How is my grandson doing?” instead of genuinely asking about my health. Never once has she referred to the baby as ‘your baby’. Recently we made the mistake of telling her that we talk and sing to the baby and ever since then she is after us to talk to him about her. (I mean we are only talking/singing to the baby so he may be able to recognize our voices and feel soothed once he is here).

I find it very creepy. MIL has severely violated our boundaries in the past, and she has been called on for doing so, but apparently has not understood anything, as I see things are getting weird again. Am I over-reacting? Should I do/say something about this before it goes out of hand? So far I ignore these kinds of comments and don’t say anything, but find that it later bothers me a lot.

I told DH about it, but he is very simple and said I was over-reacting.

Would appreciate your views, advice, etc,
Click to expand...
Congratulations on the baby!

These types of comments seem somewhat harmless to me; however, you mentioned there have been past boundary issues with your MIL. As a result, you are going to be hyper-sensitive to everything she says. I’m like that with my in-laws sometimes in that, due to various past, occasional issues, they can blink and I’ll be ticked off.

This sounds somewhat harmless–choose your battles. Real boundary issues you’ll want to put up a clear wall, though (like if they start getting involved in who should be the baby’s godparent(s)…that’s a clear no-no).
 
Here a little advice from this grampa married to a wonderful grandma as are most of our female friends of the same age these days. (Ladies, PLEASE count to 10 before you rip me to pieces, or tar and feather me, or report me to the moderator.:D) Unless things get much, much worse, shake your head and smile and bear it. From my observation some chemical in the brain must kick in which makes all grandmothers and grandmothers-to-be especially loving and a little wacky!:yup:
 
felsguy said:
Here a little advice from this grampa married to a wonderful grandma as are most of our female friends of the same age these days. (Ladies, PLEASE count to 10 before you rip me to pieces, or tar and feather me, or report me to the moderator.:D) Unless things get much, much worse, shake your head and smile and bear it. From my observation some chemical in the brain must kick in which makes all grandmothers and grandmothers-to-be especially loving and a little wacky!:yup:
Click to expand...
These are the very thoughts I’m thinking, ‘grampa’, but a little afraid to type. I’m not a grandma yet but have dealt with ‘the grandma’s’ to my kids (who are now adults. One a nona from the Italian side and one a typical Aussie gran.)

They are/were (RIP nona) a little ‘wacky’. They are a different generation and in a unique position to offer their grandkids a different and special kind of love that the kids really value (even if the parents are driven mad by them).

OP, you’ll be really sorry if you set on a path of demonising Granny because ‘she’s a pain’. Suck it up for the sake of your child. We don’t own these little things. They come into our care and we have a duty to give them a family in all it’s crazy colours and shapes.

God bless.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top