Am I second choice?

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mely2020

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Hello Everyone,
My ex and me were in a relationship for 2 years. I broke up the relationship towards the end of October because he want to marry me, and I was not ready to make the commitment due to other stuff that was happening in my life. Also because he was controlling. During NC, I worked through the stuff I need to work on and I felt I was in a better position when I reached to him. We went NC until the end of February, I send him a message via Facebook telling him how is he doing and if I can pick-up some things. He did not respond until mid-March. He messaged me that he missed me and he was going to come to my house to drop my stuff the following week. He did not come, since he changed his number, I could not reached him. So I drove to his house the following week. He open the door and he seem very happy to see me. He hugged me and kissed me.
I got inside and we started talking. He told me he started seeing someone else in the beginning of March, the girl is very in love with him, she is obsessed with him, she will do anything to win his heart. He said he is not ready to be in a relationship with her since he is still not healed from our relationship, and he told me why I waited too long to reached him. I felt he was telling me about this girl just to get me jelaous or to hurt me. Not sure what his intentions were.
The next day we go eat breakfast, we ended short, he needed to get ready for a business trip for the next couple of weeks and he is coming in a month. He told me he wants to try out our relationship again when he comes back, but it should be slow and that I should not push him. In the meantime, he is only communicating with me via Facebook. He did not want to give me his number, and he said he is still going to talk to the girl he met in March. This left me confused and feeling hurt. If he wants to reconcile with me, why is he talking to this other girl? How can I approach him, or tell him that I cannot accept this? I don’t want to be a backup in case with this girl does not workout. I imagine he is in the honeymoon phase with this girl, but yet still thinks of me? I do have gone on dates with other guys, but if I want to go back with my ex, I would cut off contact with them. I need advice on how to tell him that I want to reconcile, but I cannot accept it unless he cuts off with this other girl. He does look confused and is not sure of what he wants. I dont want to feel used, or I am the second choice.
Thanks!
P.S. English is my second language so excuse me for grammar errors.
 
Sorry for your difficulties. Sounds like it is time for you to “close the book” on that relationship and move on.
 
Hi Mely,

It sounds like you broke up with him for good reasons. Now this is your decision which I hope you will make with a lot of prayer. Please use your head, not your heart (emotions) to decide what to do. The following is just things to ponder, since you knew him for two years and I only hear your side of the story.

It seems to me he is still controlling you, by not giving you his phone number and saying he is still in contact with the other girl. Two HUGE warning signs. Plus you said he’s controlling makes three bad signs. I hope you got all your belongings from him.

I would not wait around for him. It seems to me he’s stringing you along. He’s not being honest or kind to you, since you don’t really know what is his intention. This is not love for you. You deserve better than a guy that keeps you guessing.

Maybe you hurt him a lot and now he’s afraid of being hurt again. In that case, he needs to heal. He told you not to push him and he didn’t give you his new phone number, so maybe you should leave him alone to make his decision.

If I were in your position I would keep looking for that special guy. Pray for him and pray to be strong. God bless you.
 
The fact that he won’t give you his number, but wants to get back together with you is troubling. I think you should let him pick up his things or give you yours or whatever reasoning you are both using to communicate and be done with each other.

You broke up with him for a reason. That hasn’t changed. Find someone that will treat you as you deserve to be treated.
 
Well, let’s take a look at this from the other side.

When you broke off from him - how did he handle that? (do you even know?). Was he devastated? He may have gone through months of soul-searching, trying to understand what happened. Finally, he’s trying to come to terms with the loss - he decides that he should start seeing others - but he can’t quite do that - He feels like he is using others - because when he tries to go out with them, he thinks of you. He can’t help thinking of you - but he knows he must.

Finally, he finds a woman who seems interested in him. (Perhaps he is exaggerating when he tells you that she is deeply in love with him - that would usually scare someone off when they’ve only known them a short time). And you pop back in the picture.

Now he’s got a conflict - he doesn’t know if he can handle going through all the pain again the he just went through. He needs time to come to terms with his feelings on this. He finally had someone else that he might be able to establish a relationship with - (and at this stage of his grieving of the loss of your relationship - I’d bet that that relationship will not last - it’s hard to be “the rebound”).

I don’t know what reasons you gave him for breaking it off. I don’t know how final he felt that breakup was (did you talk of a later reconciliation when you broke it off?).

But if he is really trying to get a new relationship off the ground, I don’t blame him for not giving out contact information to you. (otherwise, we could be getting a thread from that woman asking us why he wants to communicate with his ex when they have something good going).

I don’t think you’re “second choice”. If he decides that his current relationship isn’t meant to be, and he wants to seek reconciliation with you, then you are his primary choice. But I don’t think he was ready for you to pop back in his life. He may want you more than anything else - but just can’t handle the emotions he just went through.

The only troubling thing I find in your OP, is that he is “controlling”. Can you tell us just when you meant by that?
 
I’m not sure why you’d want to reconcile for reasons other then feelings you’ve developed for him.

You said he is controlling and you said that he doesn’t want to cut off communication with this new girl.
You also said that he told you she is obsessed with him. How do you think she will handle it if she found out he was dating you again?
Would she stay away and move on? Or would she try even harder to “win” over his heart?

These are HUGE red flags.

My advice. Tell him thanks but no thanks. He is confused and has no idea what he wants in a relationship and that is not good enough for you. You are not going to wait around…especially if you’ve been on other dates with other people.
Also, you don’t appreciate his controlling behavior and would rather find someone who respects, appreciates and can give you all of their affection. Basically, you’d rather find someone who is husband material.
 
Thanks everyone for your responses.
I broke off the relationship with him because I was not ready to be engaged and be married to him, and also because he was controlling in someways. He was devastated of the loss, he wanted to marry me. we were together for long time, his world revolved around me.

I focused on my prayer life, did two 54-day novena rosaries during this time for healing and for my future spouse.
I just need help trusting God. I lost trust in God, because I been praying for a good partner for my life. I been on dates, but I don’t feel the connection or interest of the guys I been on dates. It has actually worsen my situation, because every time I went on a date, I think of my ex. That’s why I ended up looking for him, because none of the guys measure up to him in terms of connection and having a great time.

Of course, he is hurt because I left him and now he is rubbing in my face that there is another girl in his life. He told me he is afraid of been hurt again with me. I understand and is normal. He told me he wants things to go slowly, he wants to make sure I am serious and not playing with him. My only way of communication with him is messaging via Facebook. He said later he will give me his number. We are not friends in FB, he keeps his profile private so I don’t know nothing of what’s going on.

Having said this, what should I tell him, I don’t want to pressure him or anything. Or just stop communicating with him so I can move on with my life. I don’t want to be a second option in case with this other girl does not work. In the meantime I been working out, eating healthy, taking a class, and volunteering in my church to keep me busy. But my heart still aches from this relationship, even if almost 5 months passed.

Thanks Everyone!
 
I can almost guarantee that he will call you again. The question is should you wait?

I think you should pursue your life. Keep yourself occupied. Date others if you want. When he does call, if you are still open to a chance to rekindle the relationship, then do so. If you are involved with another, then tell him so.

There is nothing else you can do. If you become overbearing and try to force him to see you, that will likely fail. It will come across as stalking. If you sit around pining for him and don’t go on with your life - then you will have lost the interest to him you once had.

There is some chance that his current relationship will blossom and he will find a life with her. But, by your own accounts, that doesn’t seem likely.
He said he is not ready to be in a relationship with her since he is still not healed from our relationship, and he told me why I waited too long to reached him. I
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The only way that you become, as you say “Second Choice” is if you sit around in the background - so that she can feel that you are waiting for their relationship to fail.
 
shainski said:
I can almost guarantee that he will call you again. The question is should you wait?

I think you should pursue your life. Keep yourself occupied. Date others if you want. When he does call, if you are still open to a chance to rekindle the relationship, then do so. If you are involved with another, then tell him so.

There is nothing else you can do. If you become overbearing and try to force him to see you, that will likely fail. It will come across as stalking. If you sit around pining for him and don’t go on with your life - then you will have lost the interest to him you once had.

There is some chance that his current relationship will blossom and he will find a life with her. But, by your own accounts, that doesn’t seem likely.

The only way that you become, as you say “Second Choice” is if you sit around in the background - so that she can feel that you are waiting for their relationship to fail.
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Thank you for your advice.
Yes I agree, I should go on with my life and not wait for him to makeup his mind.
But how should I approach and tell him in a Facebook message. I don’t want to sound desperate or pressure him. Thanks!
 
Well, if I were on the other side of this. A woman whom I loved (and probably still love, but I’m trying to suppress that) had hurt me very badly by calling it off, and now has reappeared in my life - but I’m not ready to rekindle anything with her at this time. I don’t want her to sabotage my current relationship - but, I know, by her very appearance, will probably do just that, I would want to hear something like this:
We had a lot together; I will always treasure that. I sincerely hope you find happiness - you deserve that. I will not be contacting you after this note. You have your dreams and future, and I have my own life’s dreams that I want to pursue. If you should ever find yourself available and you still think of me - I hope you will contact me. I won’t be waiting around for your call, but, if i am available, I will take it.
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shainski said:
Well, if I were on the other side of this. A woman whom I loved (and probably still love, but I’m trying to suppress that) had hurt me very badly by calling it off, and now has reappeared in my life - but I’m not ready to rekindle anything with her at this time. I don’t want her to sabotage my current relationship - but, I know, by her very appearance, will probably do just that, I would want to hear something like this:
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Thank you so much Shainski! This really helps. I put the ball in his court and I’ll continue on with my life without waiting for him. For the time being I’ll keep myself busy in my prayer life, working out, eating healthy, volunteering in my church, and a side project I’m developing. It does hurt me, but I think is the best and I deserved someone where I’m his number one and not a second choice. Thank you! God Bless you!
 
I wouldn’t want to go too legalistic on that guy and dissect him with a magnifying glass, that wouldn’t do much good. I guess in his case one needs to see the forest behind the trees. But even without making too much of the fine details, it still does look like he wants to try out a relationship with you again and at the same time keep talking to that other woman.

‘Keep talking to her,’ can mean a lot of things, e.g. having 2 relationships at the same time, or keeping her as the backup option, or even some kind of trial relationship with you when the other one proceeds uninterrupted. Or, just simply talking to her as an acquaintance and nothing more but without definitively rejecting her yet since she’s not sure that you and he have a future.

If it’s simply about not saying some definite parting words to that other woman, then I’d say that’s fair, though if I were you I would not be okay with any sort of concurrent romance or concurrent relationships.

And while your position right now is not strong, you still have the position to just not want to be involved in a serious triangle.

Both of you may be suffering from some kind of withdrawal symptoms or dependent behaviour or whatever else it is. I’m worried by your vulnerability here and the way you seem almost prepared to accept some kind of toxic situation that’s unfair to you, but also worried about the way he seems to be fine with that other girl’s obsessive affection.

You guys need to sort your stuff out before you can be ready for a relationship with anyone, not just each other.

This all may sound a little harsh, but life’s not easy, and it’s better to say things as they are. I’ve been through similar situations, and I can tell you it’s important to get all the fears and obsessions in check or you won’t be able to be free and just live. It’s a prison if you allow it to control your life.
 
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