Am I wrong to feel this way?

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Chrystal

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Hello everyone. I feel I really need some advice.

I’m in my early 20’s, and I still live at home with my parents, for a few different reasons. It’s not that I’m afraid to be on my own, because I’m not, but I’d say the main reason why I’m still living at home, is because my parents don’t mind, but also because I not only pay all my own bills, but I help pay some household bills too. I always told my parents that so long as I live under their rood then I feel I should help out.

Anyway, I want out of there!! Ever since I was a child, I’ve had to endure trying times of dealing with my parents and their arguements. I hate it so much!! I remember all of those very loud verbally abusive fights they would have with each other, and a lot of it seems to stem from the fact that ever since I was young, my father has felt that my mom has cheated on him. He seem to know for a fact, and I think he’s wrong. I have faith that my mother would never do such a thing, but he really truly believes that she has cheated and still is cheating. It hurt me so much as a child, those times of hearing them yell and cuss at each other, and I would go hide in my room, just crying and crying wishing it would stop. Even now at my age, they still fight. At it’s like, if my mother doesn’t come home at a certain time from work, my father instantly thinks that she’s out having an affair. I can’t stand it, and don’t feel I should have to put up with this anymore.

I want to move out badly, but then during those times when my parents are getting along (which doesn’t seem often anymore), I feel bad for wanting to move out, because of the whole paying bills situation. If I leave, I won’t be able to pay all my own bills and household payments for apartment or house, and then some of their household bills on top of that! So, if I move out, I’ll feel bad because of that, and I will feel like I am being selfish. I don’t want to be selfish, I want to be humble, but, I don’t want to grow old in that house, and don’t want to be in the middle of their problems anymore! I pray that God gives me guidance, and helps me…

Any advice? Has anyone had a similar problem? I’m really stressed over this…

(sorry this is so long. I tried to keep it short)
 
Chrystal said:
Hello everyone. I feel I really need some advice.

I’m in my early 20’s, and I still live at home with my parents, for a few different reasons. It’s not that I’m afraid to be on my own, because I’m not, but I’d say the main reason why I’m still living at home, is because my parents don’t mind, but also because I not only pay all my own bills, but I help pay some household bills too. I always told my parents that so long as I live under their rood then I feel I should help out.

Anyway, I want out of there!! Ever since I was a child, I’ve had to endure trying times of dealing with my parents and their arguements. I hate it so much!! I remember all of those very loud verbally abusive fights they would have with each other, and a lot of it seems to stem from the fact that ever since I was young, my father has felt that my mom has cheated on him. He seem to know for a fact, and I think he’s wrong. I have faith that my mother would never do such a thing, but he really truly believes that she has cheated and still is cheating. It hurt me so much as a child, those times of hearing them yell and cuss at each other, and I would go hide in my room, just crying and crying wishing it would stop. Even now at my age, they still fight. At it’s like, if my mother doesn’t come home at a certain time from work, my father instantly thinks that she’s out having an affair. I can’t stand it, and don’t feel I should have to put up with this anymore.

I want to move out badly, but then during those times when my parents are getting along (which doesn’t seem often anymore), I feel bad for wanting to move out, because of the whole paying bills situation. If I leave, I won’t be able to pay all my own bills and household payments for apartment or house, and then some of their household bills on top of that! So, if I move out, I’ll feel bad because of that. But, I don’t want to grow old in that house, and don’t want to be in the middle of their problems anymore! I pray that God gives me guidance, and helps me…

Any advice? Has anyone had a similar problem? I’m really stressed over this…

(sorry this is so long. I tried to keep it short)
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So what you are saying is that your parents are unable to meet their own expenses without help from you?

It sounds like you need to move out and let your parents work out their own problems. Perhaps they need you to leave so they realize that they have to work through their own problems rather than “hide behind parenthood”.

I finances are a problem they can always rent out your old room.
 
I come from a big family. Our parents did disagree from time to time, but they never fought. We were always welcome to live at home. There still got to be a time when it was time to move out. It came sooner for some and later for others, but the time is going to come.

Your time has come. If you are willing to live simply, to have roommates or just rent a room or a mother-in-law in someone else’s house, you probably can afford to move out. If so, do it.

One caveat, though: Make sure you land somewhere where you will have catastrophic-level health insurance, at the very least. It isn’t expensive for someone your age, but that is one thing you absolutely must not go without. If you can’t manage that if you move, but you can get it if you don’t, then protecting your ability to get medical care if you have to have it is a good reason to stay put.

PS Stop beating yourself up for wanting to live in a household where there is peace. Good grief.
Consider this God’s opinion, too: “Better a dry crust with peace than a house full of feasting with strife.” Prov. 17:1
 
Thank you all for your advice.
I’m feeling ashamed of myself for telling my situation and asking for advice.I feel like I’ve dishonored my parents by sharing this information, and I feel like God might be mad at me. I feel like I’m being selfish, thinking of myself, and I what I want. My parents can pay their bills, but I help out with some things. I honestly don’t mean to talk badly about my parents. They’re not bad people. I just don’t like when they argue, especially since me and my older sister had to put up with it as kids. It really turns me off from wanting to get married. Honestly, I don’t even want to get married, but that’s a whole other topic…

I just never know sometimes with my parents. It’s like they could be enjoying each others company, but then they get to talking, and on of them may something that makes the other mad, and there they go arguing, and not speaking to each other. I can’t stand living in a house with my parents not talking to each other. It seems like they don’t try to solve their issues and talk calmly about them. They just argue or ignore each other instead.
 
You have nothing to be ashamed about. There is no shame in sharing your feelings and concerns and asking for advice. You are not betraying your parents and God certainly isn’t mad at you!
This is the way life is supposed to work: your parents raise you to be a responsible adult and then you move out on your own and live an adult life. Period. There should be no guilt involved.
Your situation does not sound healthy to me and I think once you are distanced a bit you will see that, too.
Start looking for an apartment or room to rent. Once you have a living situation squared away then calmly tell your parents what your plans are. Do not ask for their approval. You are an adult. You need more space to grow as an adult and develop healthy friendships and a life of your own.
 
dear chrystal,

i’m a mom of 10 kids, 5 of them adults. the 5th kid, an 18 year old son is moving out this week. we’re sad to see him leave-- we’ll miss him. but he’s gotta try new things. we didnt raise him to stay home forever. as my husband has said for years, “i’m not raising kids. i’m raising adults.”

so, even if you had written, “my parents are happy, peaceful, quiet folk. i just want to try living on my own… what should i do?”

i would have the same advice: living on your own is a good experience. a good thing to do in your 20s. so, sure, go for it. your parents might be sad to see you go, but they raised you KNOWING that someday you would be an adult-- KNOWING that someday it would be only right and healthy to see you spread your wings.

so, it really has nothing to do with whether or not you sometimes find your folks difficult, or whether or not they’re mostly wonderful.

you’re an adult. you’re allowed-- ENCOURAGED-- to try new things.
 
I’m 31- and about to move back in with my parents after a divorce. My parents are 'welcoming but even they have said that they know it is not the ideal situation or it is going to last forever and we have talked out and figured out boundaries before hand. One thing you may want to do before you drop the “I’m moving out talk.” if you havent already is try the "mom, dad, I know I have never lived on my own - this is what I am thinking - what advice do you have for me and see what their thoughts are - they may suprise you.
 
If I leave, I won’t be able to pay all my own bills and household payments for apartment or house, and then some of their household bills on top of that!
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You should NOT be paying your parent’s bills. You are not responsible for them at all, and you should not feel guilty for wanting to leave. Living on your own is not as hard or expensive as you might think, especially if you can get a room mate or two and share an apartment. 2 bedroom apartments in my area go for around $600 and split between two people, that’s only $300! Electric and water bills don’t add much, and you can live without cable. My husband’s old roomate only made $23,000 and that was enough to live comfortably with him for several years. I don’t know what kind of job you have, but if it is even slightly above minimum wage you should be fine.
You should seriously consider making the leap from living with mom and dad to the real world. I guarantee you will be much happier. It does not sound like you are in a good environment right now and your presence may actually be interfering with your mom and dad’s relationship. Parents’ relationship dynamics change once children leave the nest, and they may have expected you to have left by now even if they won’t say it.
And another thing to think about is marriage. You will probably have an easier time attracting a spouse if you are not still living with mom and dad. It’s more common these days, but it still raises lots of red flags when you live at home too far past 20, you know?
Good luck with everything!
 
I understand helping out with room and board when you are an adult AND living at home. You are NOT, however, required to help them with their bills when you move out. They are grown people and should take care of their own bills. It is normal to want to establish your own household as an adult. It’s the natural order of things. Right now, you are embroiled in their dysfunction - I guarantee once you move out you will appreciate the peace and quiet you have when you go home.
 
It is time to fly away from the nest! I think it’s important for young people to make their own way, pay their own bills, etc., and gain some independence before setting up a household together with another person in marriage.

This is entirely normal and desirable; parents raise their children (or should!) to be self-sufficient, mature adults. Your parents can handle their bills, you say; that is as it should be. The time may come when they are elderly and frail and may need your help; that time is not now!

Go for it, and don’t have a moment’s guilt.
 
You are not responsibile for your parent’s marriage or their household bills. It is time for you to be responsible for yourself and move out. (It is scary, but everyone does it sooner or later). It is possible that without you at home anymore, your parents will be forced to talk to each other and hopefully resolve the difficulties that they have in their marriage.
 
Chrystal said:
I want to move out badly, but then during those times when my parents are getting along (which doesn’t seem often anymore), I feel bad for wanting to move out, because of the whole paying bills situation. If I leave, I won’t be able to pay all my own bills and household payments for apartment or house, and then some of their household bills on top of that! So, if I move out, I’ll feel bad because of that, and I will feel like I am being selfish. I don’t want to be selfish, I want to be humble, but, I don’t want to grow old in that house, and don’t want to be in the middle of their problems anymore! I pray that God gives me guidance, and helps me…

Any advice? Has anyone had a similar problem? I’m really stressed over this…

(sorry this is so long. I tried to keep it short)
Click to expand...
I’m in a similar situation: living with a relative due to a lack of money but want to move out. I feel the same way but I would say no, it’s not selfish to want to move out. Those environments, I have discovered, are detrimental to all involved including people such as yourself who aren’t even directly involved in it. I have found the best remedy is to remove oneself from that situation.

If you consider moving (as always) do your research first and save-up as necessary before making a move.
 
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