Angry Feelings Toward MIL

[GOPFishy]

YOUR HUSBAND needs to lovingly tell his mother to respect the faith of the house.

“Then you had better be very certain it is indeed the Holy Spirit who wants you to say something, and not your pride, because it is driving a wedge between you and our family.”

You needn’t feel bad for defending yourself, your faith, and your children - although I definitely understand the feeling!

I think Kage might be on the right track - perhaps it’s time your Husband had a talk with her. It’s not about taking sides, it’s about him defending his choices for his family.

 

[SMHW]

mom24boys,

I think that maybe you know this already…

Yes, your MIL is overstepping her bounds. This is not all that unusual for MILs to do. But from what you’ve said, I think your MIL thinks she has your family’s best interests at heart. I’m not so sure this is just a MIL/DIL turf war.

What I do think is that the reason you are having trouble with your angry feelings is that they really are NOT directed toward your MIL. I suspect they are actually directed at your husband but you don’t want to admit it to yourself so you are displacing your anger onto MIL.

Yes, MIL is a problem. But she really isn’t YOUR problem. She’s DH’s problem and he is refusing to run interference. DH is YOUR problem.

 

[lovemyboys]

I’m a former Protestant. I think if I were you, I’d rely on the phrase, “I understand how you feel; I used to feel the same way.” I’d also let her know that we could “agree to disagree,” and I’d give her warning of any blatantly Catholic things that were about to go on (like the Hail Mary). Show her lots of respect, and hopefully she’ll do the same for you.

 

[mom24boys]

Update… later in the evening after our argument MIL came to me and told me that she wouldn’t be talking to me about faith issues anymore because the Holy Spirit told her that she didn’t need to throw her pearls out to be trampled upon. The “by swine” is the part of the bible verse she left out; a verse which I am familiar with. Well, feeling that she is trampling upon the pearls of MY Catholic faith, I decided to go and visit my mom and dad for a few days. My DH said he would talk to her and remind her that I am his wife and that she was being unkind and out of place. Last night in the evening when I called him after arriving at my parents he sounded so dejected and overwhelmed. I am sure she was putting him through the ringer… which made me very angry. How dare she try and drive a wedge between my husband and myself! I am sure the Holy Spirit didn’t direct her to do that. I am seven months pregnant, I am taking care of 4 children, I own a business… I am so sad, so angry and so stressed. I don’t need this. Would it be awful to ask her to leave my house? I know if I told DH that I wanted her to leave, he would ask her. All that comes to mind right now is “Lord, have mercy”. That is all I can pray.

Yes, MIL is a problem. But she really isn’t YOUR problem. She’s DH’s problem and he is refusing to run interference. DH is YOUR problem.

No, I really don’t think DH is my problem. My problem is that MIL is disturbing my peace and the peaceful practice of our Catholic faith as a the family. My problem is that I’m angry at the brainwashing I received when I was evangelical (Pope is the anti-Christ, Mary is Satan in disguise). My MIL’s constant blathering reminds me of when I was immersed in that garbage. My problem is that I have been very loving to my MIL by bringing her into my home, feeding her and giving her a room in my already crowded house and she now claims that she feels unloved, unwelcomed and “crushed” because I’m dumping on her and won’t let her talk about Jesus. My problem is that because of this she now compares me to her DILs who barely speak to her anymore. My problem is that I have loved her with my actions and she believes love is about words.

 

[Lucania]

YOUR HUSBAND needs to lovingly tell his mother to respect the faith of the house.

That’s it in a nutshell:thumbsup:

 

[mom24boys]

That’s it in a nutshell:thumbsup:

He has spoken to her. She has now achieved even greater martyr status.

 

[dulcissima]

Why is she staying with you for such an extended period of time?

 

[mom24boys]

Why is she staying with you for such an extended period of time?

She wanted to help out with the kids a couple of days a week while my husband and I get the business ready for me to take a leave of absence when this baby is born. My husband thought it would be a good idea because I would get some help and she would be with family. Also, she wants to be helpful and DH thought this would give her an opportunity to be helpful. She was very lonely in her hometown because her two daughters have ostracized her and her father died earlier in the year. My DH described it as a “win/win”. She is limited in how much she can do because she has some health problems, so I honestly didn’t look for too much in the way of “help”. I thought our main mission was to minister to her in her lonliness. She does watch the kids two afternoons a week which is definitely helpful, but all in all having her here is more stressful than it is helpful.

 

[sharmin]

All good advice. I don’t WANT to feel angry, but feelings can’t be helped. I’ve stayed silent, I will do my best to continue to stay silent. But I wish I could get rid of my unpleasant feelings! One problem is that I wish she wouldn’t comment so much about her beliefs. I think the reason she sprinkles her conversation with faith references is because she believes she is “witnessing” to us (been there, done that). I just wish she wouldn’t bring up faith matters, because not only do I not agree, I find some of her positions offensive (such as believing innocent people are going to hell).

I am Catholic and I belive innocent people will be in hell. Is this not a Catholic belief?? I always thought that Catholics believed that the way to heaven is through Christ. Many innocents don’t believe in Him. Remember, in scripture it says that few will be in heaven (paraphrasing of course!!)

 

[mom24boys]

I am Catholic and I belive innocent people will be in hell. Is this not a Catholic belief?? I always thought that Catholics believed that the way to heaven is through Christ. Many innocents don’t believe in Him. Remember, in scripture it says that few will be in heaven (paraphrasing of course!!)

No, I don’t think that believing a non-Catholic/Christian 10 year old who was macheted to death in a tribal conflict will go to hell is a Catholic belief. It is the Catholic position that we are not to judge the status of the souls of others… that is God’s job. We are to be the body of Christ, love others, evangelize always “using words when necessary” and leave the job of saving souls up to God.

This isn’t the problem I’m really looking for help with.

 

[sharmin]

No, I don’t think that believing a non-Catholic/Christian 10 year old who was macheted to death in a tribal conflict will go to hell is a Catholic belief. It is the Catholic position that we are not to judge the status of the souls of others… that is God’s job. We are to be the body of Christ, love others, evangelize always “using words when necessary” and leave the job of saving souls up to God.

Oh, I agree. I can’t judge anyone’s soul. Just as I cant say the gay person is going to hell for gay sex. But I can say that I believe homosexual acts are sinful. In the same way, I can say I don’t know the state of the non-Christian’s soul, however I can say that Jesus said the only way to heaven was through him. And I believe HIm.

That said, I am grateful everyday for Christian Missionaries.

This isn’t the problem I’m really looking for help with.

Oh, I know that. I hope you didn’t think I thought you needed help with your viewpoint. I was just sharing mine.

 

[dulcissima]

Often times my mom comes out, saying she wants to help in times that are busy and stressful. Unfortunately, it always comes down to her being critical and at the same time her having her feelings hurt in some way. I have come to realize that her coming to help is not helpful and only makes a stressful time 10 x more stressful. I think it is because my family makeup is similar to the one that she grew up with. I remind her of her mom and my daughter is her, the oldest, with three younger brothers. All of the chaos of the family and her own unresolved issues from childhood just become too much for her.

My guess is that your MIL’s reaction to everything Catholic in your family life probably has very little to do with your family and possibly even anything to do with the Catholic faith either. It probably has to do with the emotional scars of her own childhood and because she grew up Catholic, all things Catholic just bring her back to that place. Obviously she is not a happy person if she has burned all of these bridges and finds herself on the outs with so many people.

You probably do need her in smaller doses. She has probably taken on more than she can handle in helping out. A break would probably do her a world of good. And maybe let her know that you understand that her intentions are good and that you really do appreciate that, just that your faith is very much a part of who you are, so she is not helping you at all by attacking your very being. Let her know that she is welcome to come back once she understands that that is off limits. And don’t have her come back for months at a time, because that is never ever going to work.

 

[gardenswithkids]

… I am seven months pregnant, I am taking care of 4 children, I own a business… I am so sad, so angry and so stressed. I don’t need this. Would it be awful to ask her to leave my house? I know if I told DH that I wanted her to leave, he would ask her. All that comes to mind right now is “Lord, have mercy”. That is all I can pray.

No, I really don’t think DH is my problem. My problem is that MIL is disturbing my peace and the peaceful practice of our Catholic faith as a the family. My problem is that I’m angry at the brainwashing I received when I was evangelical (Pope is the anti-Christ, Mary is Satan in disguise). My MIL’s constant blathering reminds me of when I was immersed in that garbage. My problem is that I have been very loving to my MIL by bringing her into my home, feeding her and giving her a room in my already crowded house and she now claims that she feels unloved, unwelcomed and “crushed” because I’m dumping on her and won’t let her talk about Jesus. My problem is that because of this she now compares me to her DILs who barely speak to her anymore. My problem is that I have loved her with my actions and she believes love is about words.

There’s a reason why other people barely speak to her anymore. You have more patience than most of her relatives.

I refused to go to an extended weekend with my in-laws when pregnant with my last baby. I was very tired from the pregnancy and knew that it would be difficult to put up with my MIL, so I stayed home.

No, you would not be in the wrong for asking her to leave. It’s not like you’d be throwing her out on the streets. If you want to ask your MIL to leave the house, let your husband be the one to ask her. How much longer had she planned to stay?

 

[grace_singh]

imo, simply walking away in disagreement from the table during the Hail Mary isn’t a bad idea.

there are many less gracious and louder ways she could have responded, and for a very comitted, conservating Protestant Christians to respond by silently leaving the room is pretty decent.

she may disagree very much, but be thankful she is not loud or rude or vocal about it, and if applicable be thankful she does not try to dissuade your children from their faith.

why should you feel so annoyed when she speaks of her beliefs? might it also annoy her to hear you speak of your beliefs and practices as a Catholic? i wouldn’t expect an Evangelical Christian to be respectful of Mary in the way Catholics are, any more than i’d expect a Catholic to appreciate or reverance Martin Luther as a Protestant would.

you and your mother in law have very different approaches to Christianity, and to what is “right”. but i wouldn’t be terribly annoyed over it. if it bothers you a lot, pray that both of you would be able to be respectful and civil, and kind to one another throughout the visit. a polite dismissal of one’s self in the middle of a prayer one disagrees with may be very noticable and awkward. but in light of what she believes and how strongly she feels, it can also be looked at as very polite, and as respectful to your feelings and faith as she is able to be, while still staying faithful to her own principals.

I am stewing and not sure why I feel angry and what I should do about it. My very sweet MIL is staying with us for an extended stay until a couple of months after I have our next baby. She is very generous and a sweet natured lady. HOWEVER, she is a charismatic evangelical Christian and I find myself very annoyed and even angry when she speaks of her religious feelings and beliefs. I was raised an evangelical Protestant Christian and I used to think the way she does. She left the Catholic church to become Protestant. I think I wouldn’t be angry if she had never been Catholic. Isn’t anger a weird feeling to have about this?

A couple of examples… I believe she is disrespectful of Mary. She was participating in our family advent devotions and when my 6 year old spontaneously decided to say a Hail Mary prayer after reading the scripture passage in Luke where this prayer came from, my MIL walked away from the table. She didn’t have to say anything… I know that she walked away because she thinks praying to Mary is wrong. This offended me and blew my mind… there it was right there in scripture! She professes to believe what scripture says, yet the Hail Mary offends her. Also, she is very focused on who is a “true” Christian and who is not (if somebody hasn’t said the formulaic “sinner’s prayer” they are not a Christian and they are going to hell). To me, that is very presumptuous that she is judging other people’s souls.

I have kept my mouth shut. My husband thinks I should keep my mouth shut because saying something wouldn’t change her mind. I just wish I didn’t feel so darn angry. Should I speak to my priest? Should I find another convert to speak with who might be able to identify with me ? I feel like I need to get this off my chest before I say something to MIL that I regret.

 

[daeve]

Update… later in the evening after our argument MIL came to me and told me that she wouldn’t be talking to me about faith issues anymore because the Holy Spirit told her that she didn’t need to throw her pearls out to be trampled upon. The “by swine” is the part of the bible verse she left out; a verse which I am familiar with. Well, feeling that she is trampling upon the pearls of MY Catholic faith, I decided to go and visit my mom and dad for a few days. My DH said he would talk to her and remind her that I am his wife and that she was being unkind and out of place. Last night in the evening when I called him after arriving at my parents he sounded so dejected and overwhelmed. I am sure she was putting him through the ringer… which made me very angry. How dare she try and drive a wedge between my husband and myself! I am sure the Holy Spirit didn’t direct her to do that. I am seven months pregnant, I am taking care of 4 children, I own a business… I am so sad, so angry and so stressed. I don’t need this. Would it be awful to ask her to leave my house? I know if I told DH that I wanted her to leave, he would ask her. All that comes to mind right now is “Lord, have mercy”. That is all I can pray.

No, I really don’t think DH is my problem. My problem is that MIL is disturbing my peace and the peaceful practice of our Catholic faith as a the family. My problem is that I’m angry at the brainwashing I received when I was evangelical (Pope is the anti-Christ, Mary is Satan in disguise). My MIL’s constant blathering reminds me of when I was immersed in that garbage. My problem is that I have been very loving to my MIL by bringing her into my home, feeding her and giving her a room in my already crowded house and she now claims that she feels unloved, unwelcomed and “crushed” because I’m dumping on her and won’t let her talk about Jesus. My problem is that because of this she now compares me to her DILs who barely speak to her anymore. My problem is that I have loved her with my actions and she believes love is about words.

If this is typical of her behavior, I guess we know why they don’t speak to her anymore. My mother-in-law hated me for being A. Italian and B. Catholic, or the other way around. There was nothing I could do that was right. She never lived with us (for which I’m grateful) and she’s not my MIL any more either. At one point, she “banned” me from her home. We lived about 1000 miles away, and I had a brand new baby. There are a lot of details here, but I was at the breaking point with a new baby and one who was 19 months old. I came to visit here while my husband was going to be on an extended out of town job. I got here on Saturday, Sunday was Father’s Day, and I pretty much slept through it. On Monday I called her, and when she found out we flew in on Saturday she hung up on me. It was months before she’d talk to me again. She was mad because I didn’t call her soon enough. Sometimes, you cannot win and you have to figure that out. In this case, my husband said that I was the one in town, he was working and if she wanted to see the kids, she had to learn to deal with me. I hope he said it better than that, but it was the closest to backing me up he ever got.

In your house, your faith must be respected. YOU must be respected and if she undermines you and can’t be stopped, she needs to go. Your husband is upset about his mother’s feelings, but he needs to back you up on this. You have to run your house and family as you know to be right. Nobody can live in constant strife. I can’t remember if she’s just visiting or lives there right now. But if she’s visiting, maybe the visit is over. If she lives there, you have to find a way to work it out or she has to go.

The pearls thing was hateful. Even as non-agressive as I am (read wimpy), I think that would have been the start of real trouble for me.