Angry pagan kid inside

[lufty]

I am currently exploring RCIA, and this week has been a rough one for me personally in exploring Christianity.

This morning, I realized that I felt that there is this internal battle within myself, and there seems to be this really angry pagan kid inside me that rebelling against this new me that I am exploring. Now, I’m not implying that there is dual-personality disorder or anything, but Im getting a distinct feeling that this ‘battle’ is real.

Perhaps it’s my fear, but I am totally comfortable with this exploration that I am on now. I’m unsure where this is coming from. Are there any other new Christians on this thread that may have felt something similar?

 

[Della]

We fear (all of us) because we are fallen creatures. Yes, this is extremely relevant.

When Adam and Eve gave into temptation 3 things happened to them, or rather 3 things were blighted: their intellect was darkened, their wills weakened, and their sense of right and wrong skewed. This means that we resist surrendering ourselves to God and what he asks of us. No matter who we are, pagan converting, Protestant being reconciled to the Church, or cradle Catholic, we all have the same damage to our original ability to trust in God alone.

So, it’s only natural, so to speak, for you to have internal battles concerning becoming Catholic. You will always have internal battles after you’ve entered the Church. The Good News is Christ has given us the tools to do God’s will in the Sacraments and practices of the Faith. So, take heart and know that God is leading you into his Church and desiring to help you do so. It’s one of the reasons he directed you here, IMHO. You have my prayers.

 

[Magdalena09]

Oh absolutely! The internal battle is also eternal battle–well up to this point anyway! The battle between good and evil.

I studied the Catholic faith on and off for a good two or three years before I took the plunge and went through RCIA. I had a few doubts during RCIA and sometimes questioned things… but that is completely normal. On top of that, I was in an AMAZINGLY supportive environment when I went through RCIA. I attended a great Catholic college (not just Catholic-in-name) and it was a very nurturing place for me spiritually.

I think it’s just something we will always deal with to some degree… a spiritual tug-of-war, if you will. One part of you knows without a doubt that you belong in full communion, right? And one part of you is saying… well… maybe not. Listen to the part of you that gives you joy, that makes your heart happy and excited. The brain tends to be a skeptic at times. But if you really do the work to understand, you will find that faith and reason are not at odds.

I will tell you that it doesn’t get easier once you become Catholic and may even seem harder. I know that it was harder for me… I was tempted with things I hadn’t been tempted by in years. However, I now have recourse to the Sacraments which are amazing gifts that God gives us so that we can be closer to Him and experience His grace and love more fully! It’s pretty awesome… It’s great to be Catholic. It’s hardcore and hard… it’s a religious foundation that holds you accountable, challenges you to grow closer to God and stronger in your faith at all times, and is perpetually calling you on to be the Saint you are called to be…

In regards to the faith, I like to quote Tom Hanks in the movie A League of Their Own… “It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everybody would do it. The hard is what makes it great.”



Good luck and welcome home!!!

 

[DihydrogenOxide]

You are in the midst of spiritual warfare. Don’t worry. Keep going. I’ll pray for you.

 

[Bailey2]

Stay the course!

If it makes you feel any better, I have a strong-willed brat inside me who kicks and screams and stomps her foot every time it becomes evident that a particular direction is the way God intends me to go… not all the time. Just when the direction is going to require hard work and leaving some treasured things behind.

Stay the course. Prayers!

 

[Kindness]

Yes, I think this is normal at all stages of the spiritual life. There is great grace and wisdom in the church’s liturgies and traditions. There will be plenty of times when you don’t “feel” anything in terms of religious consolations and you might instead feel negative emotions and think fearful or aggressive thoughts. All normal. By still going to mass, sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament or giving to others you still receive God’s grace. Oftentimes by “going through the motions” of participating in the liturgy when you feel rebellious by the end you experience great grace and consolation.

Of course if you experience on-going struggle in some area I would talk to a priest or another holy person with wisdom and insight for encouragement and discernment.

 

[CB_Catholic]

I am currently exploring RCIA, and this week has been a rough one for me personally in exploring Christianity.

This morning, I realized that I felt that there is this internal battle within myself, and there seems to be this really angry pagan kid inside me that rebelling against this new me that I am exploring. Now, I’m not implying that there is dual-personality disorder or anything, but Im getting a distinct feeling that this ‘battle’ is real.

Perhaps it’s my fear, but I am totally comfortable with this exploration that I am on now. I’m unsure where this is coming from. Are there any other new Christians on this thread that may have felt something similar?

The battle IS real. The battle is for your soul. When I had my conversion experience, over 30 years ago (after being a nominal Catholic for the first 28 years of my life), there began a real war internally, like nothing I had ever experienced. I thought I was losing my mind. Satan does not like to lose a soul. He can be unbelieveably subtle, but he can be unbelieveably vicious, too. Pray to the Holy Spirit frequently and also call upon the intercession of St. Michael the Archangel when you sense this battle. It is amazing how he can help in this.

This is not superstitious nonsense. I am a rational, educated person, somewhat of a skeptic by nature, not prone to believing everything I hear, or what people claim, and I like things to be tangible. So when I describe a spiritual battle, I am convinced of it’s reality, because I experienced it (and still do). The Church on Earth is not called the “Church Militant” for nothing. We are in a literal battle against the evil one, and souls are at stake. You are in a battle for your soul and your salvation, you are coming into a relationship with the Living God, and the enemy of God is not one bit pleased with this.

But take heart. The fact that you are experiencing this battle means that you are growing closer to God. The enemy would not be bothering with you otherwise. He operates on fear, but he He is afraid of the Holy Spirit. God has His hand on you, and has chosen you to be His. It is worth the struggle.

 

[JPayne]

I can relae to what Magdalena09 was saying about it being harder living as a Catholic. Once I learned the truth that the Church presents, I molded my life to those truths. Where I used to not think twice about sin in a particular fashion, now I’m convicted against doing the act. When i think about the chances that have came about because if my conversion, it’s easy to see that life before was much easier. But, the changes are so very much worth the sacrifices. The joy of haveing the fullness of faith is hard to explain. Just know that coming into the Church is worth the road traveled and sacrifices made!

God bless,
Jesse

 

[losh14]

I am currently exploring RCIA, and this week has been a rough one for me personally in exploring Christianity.

I’m sorry to hear you’re encountering resistence, but grateful to hear there’s a struggle. You did not cave in and walk away, you held up in a fight.

This morning, I realized that I felt that there is this internal battle within myself, and there seems to be this really angry pagan kid inside me that rebelling against this new me that I am exploring.

I have a battle with an internal evangelical. Part of it is my desire to always be certain of being on the right side. Part of it is having to respond to the ghosts of evangelicals past - friends who had tried (unsuccessfully) to dissuade me from continuing in the Catholic faith. I take it as a thorn and a sign of God’s favor that I should be sought out for attack. The strongest soldiers always find the heat of the battle.

Perhaps it’s my fear, but I am totally comfortable with this exploration that I am on now. I’m unsure where this is coming from. Are there any other new Christians on this thread that may have felt something similar?

I’m a long-time Christian and recently deeper Catholic. What is unfamiliar is always frightening because we fear we may actually believe it and that belief will cause us to change the way that we live.

I have a friend who actually ministers to pagan youth, emotionally and tries to help with spiritual needs. Would you like me to have him contact you? Email me through this site, if you’d like.

 

[crazzeto]

I am currently exploring RCIA, and this week has been a rough one for me personally in exploring Christianity.

This morning, I realized that I felt that there is this internal battle within myself, and there seems to be this really angry pagan kid inside me that rebelling against this new me that I am exploring. Now, I’m not implying that there is dual-personality disorder or anything, but Im getting a distinct feeling that this ‘battle’ is real.

Perhaps it’s my fear, but I am totally comfortable with this exploration that I am on now. I’m unsure where this is coming from. Are there any other new Christians on this thread that may have felt something similar?

You know how in cartoons whenever a charater is making a moral choice they visualize it as a little angle on one shoulder and a little devil on the other? It’s all true! There is a battle raging inside of you! There is evil in this world, this is after all Satan’s domain!

The best way to get through this is through prayer, and meditation upon the mysteries of Christ. It might also help to talk it out with your RCIA instructors and the local parish priest.

 

[StandFast]

lufty,

Having both gone through RCIA, and now as an RCIA instructor, I’ve both experienced the struggle myself as well as watched others go through it.

Indeed, the struggle is real, and may manifest itself in a number of ways. Count it as joy, Christ is drawing you to Himself and the Truth of the Catholic church and the evil one doesn’t like it!

You will not win the battle on your own, but give this over to Our Lord wholeheartedly, and just watch what Christ will do! God will not call you closer to Himself without giving you the abundant grace to overcome every obstacle Satan can throw at you.

I’ve been brought to my knees more than once in awe and thanksgiving in seeing those coming home to the Church overcome incredible obstacles through God’s grace.

You’re in my prayers!