R
Robertanthony
Guest
Great insight.It is a combination of poor preparation, poor judgment, lack of knowledge, lack of maturity, the evil choices of others, deficits whether by choice, environment or heredity, discrimination, outside factors and plain old chance. Success is not measured by failure. Failure is fully the result of giving up.
Hiding in a corner, not being around people, that’s what I want to do. Every day that I go to work or somewhere where there are people I have to against my personality. Hide my shame is what I want to do. Any little thing will ignite a sense of dread and anxiety. I’ve done enough fighting in my life, the constant effort it takes to convince myself that God is my ally is way too exhausting. whatever the enemy wanted me to believe about myself and God, he has achieved it. I see God placing the pawns, I sense his providence here and there, but it’s just too little too late. Suffering has not made me a better person, it’s made me a nervous, insecure wreck who is terrified of being 1-found out 2-mocked and rejected. Now that I’m basically destroyed, I go from day to day trying to preserve the little self-esteem/self-worth/dignity i have left, living the morose life of a defeated man. Not measuring up, not fitting in, knowing that most people barely tolerate you, feeling deeply inadequate, God will not change any of that. Why would he, if he had wanted me successful, he’d have made damn sure to equip me with intelligence and talents, while he may not have been thrilled with some of the rejection I faced, yet he did not do his part by equipping me physically, emotionally, and parent-wise to be able to fight back and crush any attempt at demeaning me. He did not need me, I am not necessary, no one really is, truth be told, yet, for some stupid and absurd reason, here I am. An introvert in a world where social interaction is unavoidable, a dimwith in a world where being able to constantly learn new things is vital, one-talent guy in a world where money ends up in the hands of people with talent, etc. Now this is quite a burden, naturally sin is a great comforter, but God has an unpleasant eternal life for those who don’t love him but would rather receive the comfort of sin. I am tormented about a lot of things, God himself is a source of torment. Obviously he loves me infinitely (so they say) yet he won’t take away any of the things that have plagued me when it would cost him absolutely nothing to do so. I held on for so many years, had to fight a lot of negativity, all the while being trapped in despair, disappointment, depression, something good could have emerged from God’s mind hell-bent on keeping me from far from success and enjoyment, something like a resolved will to make me see the good side of life, you know the side where there is affluence, abundant money, dreams within one’s reach. Fourty years of a damned life is not enough, but then you think of the torments of damned souls, that they don’t even move God’s heart, so my tormented soul probably doesn’t interfere with God’s sleep, as it were. Annihilation would be such a balm: after having endured God’s life for 70-80 years, the worst I could expect would be eternal sleep.God offers solace from the pain, not more of the same. Abuse can contribute to a person becoming an abuser, feeling like a failure, losing heart, or denying God’s love. That is NOT a fixed result.
Light is material, in Genesis it says God said “Let there be light”, so the trinity must’ve dwelled “somewhere” where there was no light. There was no darkness either, because darkness is the absence of light.Since when is it “unlit”? “I am the Light of the World”, says the Lord.