Annulment Question

[MollyBergin]

Hi, I was wondering if someone could help with a question I have?

I am currently going through a divorce. I would like to seek an annulment when this process is over purely for my own peace of mind, however my ex has informed me that I have no chance of being granted one.

The circumstances are that while we were engaged, I always had a sense that something wasn’t just right about my ex and that he wasn’t being entirely honest with me - a number of weeks before our wedding, I discovered that half of the money had been taken from a joint wedding fund account. At the time, he told me he had gambled it, but that it had been a silly one-off mistake which wouldn’t happen again. Despite being very shocked and gutted that he could act so selfishly, I went ahead with the wedding as I had no reason to suspect that his excuse was not genuine as nothing of this kind had happened previously - I never even saw a gambling slip in our home.

His selfishness and uncaring actions escalated after our marriage and I didn’t know what was wrong until we had been married for a year. At that point, it became clear that my ex had a serious gambling problem which he had been hiding for a lengthy period (this came to light following accusations that he had stolen a substantial sum from an employer to fund his habit; and an attempt to take his own life). We remained married for another four years before separating due to the fallout of his actions - unfortunately, although he stated he had stopped gambling some time previously, he retained a gambler’s personality and was consistently selfish and untruthful in his actions.

I don’t know whether I would have grounds for an annulment as my ex claims that I should have known before we married that he had a gambling habit!

 

[1ke]

I am currently going through a divorce. I would like to seek an annulment when this process is over purely for my own peace of mind, however my ex has informed me that I have no chance of being granted one.

Ignore your ex. He isn’t the tribunal and he has no authority to make such a statement.

I don’t know whether I would have grounds for an annulment as my ex claims that I should have known before we married that he had a gambling habit!

Spoken like a true addict.

So, yes, hiding something material of this nature-- a gambling addiction-- could certainly be grounds for a decree of nullity.

Each case is specific and the best thing to do is stop discussing it with your ex and start discussing it with your priest. The priest can help you do the paperwork to start the process and then from there you can talk with the tribunal staff about how solid your case is.

 

[achmafooma]

I cannot speak for what the tribunal would find, but you have every right to seek an annulment. They will decide whether to make a decree of nullity, not your ex.

I agree with 1ke that his hiding the addiction from you (even if he claims you ‘should have known’) is potentially grounds annulment…though, again, I’m not the tribunal and can’t state that with any certainty.

I’m very sorry you have been through this. I will pray for you. God bless you.

 

[puzzleannie]

Hi, I was wondering if someone could help with a question I have?

I am currently going through a divorce. I would like to seek an annulment when this process is over purely for my own peace of mind, however my ex has informed me that I have no chance of being granted one.

!

unless your ex is the canon lawyer for the diocese he cannot make such a statement. He can refuse to cooperate but the petition moves along nonetheless. Bear in mind that the hallmark a gambling addiction, like that to drugs and alcohol, is lying and manipulation. First things first. Divorce then counselling if like many tied to such a personality you see the need. Then see your priest about initiating the annulment investigation. And focus on your own spiritual life, that is paramount to getting through this. Our prayers of course you have.

Other poster makes a good point and your lawyer will probably back it up, break off contact with him and have no conversation. The tribunal will handle all contact with him you don’t have to.

 

[MollyBergin]

Thank you so much, all of you, for your replies and support.

The advice not to discuss any further with my ex is really good - I think when the divorce is final, I will move forward with this in a quiet and certain way by discussing with my priest.

I have been examining my conscience in relation to why I want an annulment - to be totally honest, part of the reason is because of the degree of manipulation he was capable of during our 5 year marriage and even in the 2 years that we’ve been separated. I have always been led to believe that I was in the wrong in some way which resulted in my carrying irrational guilt for a long time. I’m not going to deny that I go through stages of being very angry, not so much at my ex, but at the sheer length of time I spent with my eyes closed to the truth - however, I have been through counselling and now recognise his behaviour for the emotional blackmail it is, so I’ve been working hard to distance myself from this behaviour. To also be granted an annulment would, for me, be a massive relief and healing. I don’t know how fair a statement that it, but it is the truth.

The main reason, though, is that I am raising our child in the church and want to be able to fully participate in the sacraments. Yes, it would be nice to be able to marry in the chuch again someday if I ever reached that stage - at the moment I have a long way to go before I would ever consider marriage again.

My ex has no reason to be non-cooperative, particularly since he is currently rushing the divorce so that he can go ahead with plans to remarry this summer. However I suspect that he is probably afraid of some of the details that I would have to reveal. Unfortunately a signature trait of his manipulative personality is to interpret any statement of facts in terms of the things he did in the past as a personal judgement - which ultimately led to the breakdown of the marriage as I was consistently told that I needed to stop living in the past and move on because he was a good person.

 

[Spirithound]

The main reason, though, is that I am raising our child in the church and want to be able to fully participate in the sacraments. Yes, it would be nice to be able to marry in the chuch again someday if I ever reached that stage - at the moment I have a long way to go before I would ever consider marriage again.

Hi Molly, I just want you to know that your civil divorce does not prevent you from receiving the sacraments, as long as you are remaining chaste. God bless

 

[puzzleannie]

The main reason, though, is that I am raising our child in the church and want to be able to fully participate in the sacraments. Yes, it would be nice to be able to marry in the chuch again someday if I ever reached that stage - at the moment I have a long way to go before I would ever consider marriage again.
.

you can receive sacraments now, before or after the civil divorce, you simply need to confess any mortal sin of which you are aware. You do not need an annulment in order to approach the sacraments. You are entitled to pastoral care during this difficult time so do ask your priest for an appointment to clarify all these issues in your mind, and for help you need a s a single parent.

 

[1ke]

The main reason, though, is that I am raising our child in the church and want to be able to fully participate in the sacraments. Yes, it would be nice to be able to marry in the chuch again someday if I ever reached that stage - at the moment I have a long way to go before I would ever consider marriage again.

You can fully participate in the sacraments now. A decree of nullity is not required to do so. If you believe you might want to be open to marriage again some day it is prudent to petition now-- while witnesses are still around, memories are still fresh, etc. But, you need not ever petition for nullity at all. And, moreover if you were to petition and the marriage was found to be valid, again that in no way bars you from the sacraments unless you were to enter into an invalid marriage.