Annulment required if full consent not given?

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AlpineFlower

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Hi guys,

I’m also posting this in Ask An Apologist, but I’m posting here so I can get some quick feedback.

My husband and I are currently having problems. I admitted to lying about my job and our finances eariler today. I couldn’t deal with the guilt anymore, or with the lies spiralling out of control. He’s understandably extremely upset, and does not as yet know what to say or do with me. This unfortunately isn’t the first time this has happened (although it is the worst), and he’s rightly concerned about being able to ever trust me again. I know he is considering us breaking up.

While I was sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament before confession and Mass, I was thinking of the worst case scenerio, us separating. I really think we have grounds for an annulment. I really do not think I was in full control of my faculities when we were married. I know I had depression and was suffering from panic attacks at the time, and now that I’m better many years later, I know my brain was foggy and not thinking clearly the majority of the time back then. I do not think I was in a state to be able to fully understand and take an oath before God. In addition, I think the only sucessful consummation of our marriage was a couple months ago, and we’ve been married 8 years.

Obviously, only the tribunal can announce that a marriage is null and void, and never existed. But, if I have grounds to think it’s not a valid sacramental marriage, what happens if we do stay together? Do we need to convalidate our marriage to be sure that we’re not living together in sin?

I’d also appreciate your prayers. I honestly don’t know how to talk and interact with him right now. I’m very scared, don’t have any friends or anyone to talk to, and don’t know what to do.
 
Hi Alpine,

We are praying for you, and you may need a marriage counsellor.

As for marriage validity, you should not worry about this, as a marriage is always presumed to be valid.
Can. 1060 Marriage enjoys the favour of law. Consequently, in doubt the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven.
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In practice, people go for declarations of nullity only when they want to contract a new marriage.

If you need reassurance, do talk to a priest. They deal with these matters all the time.

Verbum
 
Thanks, guys. He’s only said a handful of words to me since I got home. He hasn’t come to any decisions yet, nor is ready to talk yet. I’m at the point now where I’m not sure if I should ask if I can sleep in the bed, or if he would perfer me to sleep on the futon in the other room. Part of me says that if he hasn’t said he doesn’t want me in the bedroom, to just presume I can sleep there where it’s actually comfortable. I just don’t know.
 
The relevant canon is:
Canon 1159 §1 A marriage invalid because of a defect of consent is validated if the party who did not consent, now does consent, provided the consent given by the other party persists.
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§2 If the defect of the consent cannot be proven, it is sufficient that the party who did not consent, gives consent privately and in secret.
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§3 If the defect of consent can be proven, it is necessary that consent be given in the canonical form.
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The “canonical form” in section §3 refers to convalidation in the Church.
 
P.S. I forgot to mention that Verbum is correct about not worrying about “living in sin”. Your marriage is presumed to be valid, so there is no problem with having relations with your husband.

I only pointed out canon 1159 so that you could see what corrective actions are called for in the various cases of defect of marital consent.
 
I don’t know that I can do this, guys.

My husband came to me this morning with the terms. If I break his trust again, we will be separated for a year. He will run his own schedule, and may inform me of what he is doing. The tv in the living room and the pvr are now his; if there is a show that I want to watch, I need to watch it in the other room. He’ll announce when he’s watching a show that we previously viewed together, in case I want to come watch it with him. He said that he will still cook for two, but he’ll choose what he’s making or going out to get. And he reiterated many times that if I break his trust again, including failing to go to work or go to Mass, we’re separated.

He has said a few civil words to me, and he did come to bed last night. I take those as positive signs. But I’m spending the majority of my time in our extra bedroom (my work from home office) on the computer because I am too ashamed to be in the same room with him. The silence is killing me inside. I just don’t have anyone here I can turn to. I literally have no friends where we are, and the closest person to a friend I even have is my sister-in-law. I don’t even have the guts to ask him if I can still chit-chat with her–I sincerely doubt he’d let me talk to her about this. He knows I come to these forums, and I’m afraid of what he’d do if he comes and reads these posts. I sincerely hope he wouldn’t make me leave because I’m coming anonymously here looking for comfort.

Sorry for rambling. I just really need you all’s prayers. I just don’t know how to get through.
 
You are obviously sorry for lying to your husband, and it sounds like you don’t want to do it again. You’ve said in your post that this is not the first time it has happened. What exactly is the situation surrounding you lying to him? What do you think is the real reason you lye to him? Do you feel emotionally safe telling him the truth?

I think it’s healthy that your husband has set the boundary of “if you break my trust again, we’ll separate.” At the same time, his other “punishments,” like TV restrictions, are very concerning to me. What is he trying to accomplish with them? Is he trying to show that he now has the power in the relationship? Is he trying to strip you of your dignity? This would not be acceptable in a relationship, no matter how grave a mistake one partner made. His reasons for setting boundaries with you should be to protect himself from getting hurt and to help you grow as a person (is lying a persistent problem you are working to overcome?). However, self-serving reasons for boundaries are not appropriate.

If you would like to talk about this in more detail, please don’t hesitate to e-mail me.
Lisa.
 
Whether or not your marriage is valid is the least of your problems.

Admittedly you made a mistake and lied to your husband. Biut he sounds very controlling. Has he ever hit you? Do think he will? And be aware that spousal abuse isn’t just physical; what’s going on in your house sounds like it’s getting close to the line. It also sounds like a very unhealthy atmosphere. And since when do you need his permission to talk to anyone?

With his punitive attitude, I’m thinking there may be a very good reason for you to lie to him – maybe telling the truth is too dangerous.
 
The fact that marriage is presumed to be valid by Canon 1060 refers to marital cases before tribunals. This means that in case of doubt they have to rule the marriage valid.

However, if you know that you marriage may have been invalid from the beginning, it would be better to go to the bishop’s curia and ask. Not just ask a priest because they don’t typically know, but go to the curia or even better contact the bishop’s court official and ask if in your specific case you need convalidation.

Convalidation is performed in cases of defective consent and it basically relies on repeating the consent. A public ceremony is neither needed nor prudent to have for this, so don’t worry.

The problem with Catholic marriage is that it can’t be annulled but declared null and void from the beginning. Therefore, it’s either valid or invalid from the beginning and it can’t be valid until the parties decide to break up.

If a marriage is contracted despite an impediment or defective consent, I doubt it would be properly sacramental just because the parties don’t go to the bishop’s court with it - for the moment. What difference does it make, if they can go and have it declared null at any point they want?

If the parties believe that their marriage can be declared null, they believe that their marriage is invalid from the beginning.

The sacrament is not something that lasts so long as the marriage is legally presumed valid.
 
Do you have a local priest you feel comfortable talking to? I think that would be a great place to turn so that you have someone to talk to. A priest might be able to help you with the problems and he wouldn’t talk about it to everyone. I would try to find a place with someone you can talk to privatly to help with your feelings. It would give you someplace to turn to that would be private and you wouldn’t have to worry about everybody finding out.

Your husband shouldn’t tell you that the tv is his, and if you go against his rules he will leave. He shouldn’t make you feel bad, and he shouldn’t tell you who you can talk to.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Kat
 
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KittyKat:
Your husband shouldn’t tell you that the tv is his, and if you go against his rules he will leave. He shouldn’t make you feel bad, and he shouldn’t tell you who you can talk to.
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Maybe or maybe not. We don’t know the whole story here. Maybe he’s not being unreasonable, or maybe he is.

In any case, they clearly need help, preferably in the form of a professional marriage counselor. I also get the impression that she needs psychotherapy.
 
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SweetPea:
Whether or not your marriage is valid is the least of your problems.

Admittedly you made a mistake and lied to your husband. Biut he sounds very controlling. Has he ever hit you? Do think he will? And be aware that spousal abuse isn’t just physical; what’s going on in your house sounds like it’s getting close to the line. It also sounds like a very unhealthy atmosphere. And since when do you need his permission to talk to anyone?

With his punitive attitude, I’m thinking there may be a very good reason for you to lie to him – maybe telling the truth is too dangerous.
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I think sweet pea raises some good questions and I sure wish the original poster would answer.
 
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Benedictus:
Maybe or maybe not. We don’t know the whole story here. Maybe he’s not being unreasonable, or maybe he is.

In any case, they clearly need help, preferably in the form of a professional marriage counselor. I also get the impression that she needs psychotherapy.
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You are right. Sweet Pea did raise some interesting questions that need to be answered. I think once the answers are given, you might have a better idea as to the health of the marriage.
 
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