Annulments and Personality Disorders

[LRH1957]

I did not suggest they should be seen togetehr, but the other party needs help in dealing with the person with problems, and should be getting it. the OP in this thread and in his other threads on the topic sounds pretty desperate and as if in need with better help and support.

Hello Annie,

I do seek professional help on my own one on one to help deal with this situation and to help coach me through it. I seek that guidance, of someone not in the situation (myself), who can help me see through it clearly. As those that have lived with loved ones with mental health issues know… it is emotionally draining.

What I have learned to do that helps me deal with it is to let it out with close family and friends. These postings are a way for me to let it out and seek support from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ anonymously.

I am doing fine 95% of the time. The other 5% is when the weight of dealing with this gets to me and maybe that’s when I sound “desparate (your word)”. I have learned I need to let it out (vent is another word).

If you are willing, please pray for me that these moments of desparation draw me closer to the Lord.

Many blessings to you and thanks for caring enough to respond!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Oh my goodness! The baby talk! If you ever meet a man who slips into baby talk, RUNNNNNN!!!

I’ve NEVER heard that mentioned before! NPD does that all the time!

 

[onaquest]

You may want to post this on the Prayer Intentions thread. I have a mental disorder bipolar. If I had gotten married three years ago when there were shadows of my illness but no breakthroughs I would be uneligible for an annulment. If I had married in the last two I would be eligible that is when I was in a manic phase and if I married now that I receive medication I would be uneligible. When you married your wife may have been in a position to enter into a sacramental marriage. Mental illness is a wiley opponent as you know . Know of my prayers for you and try posting for prayers.

 

[ecp007]

So what about your kids? How old are they? What is their relationship with your wife? How will a separation or divorce affect them?

 

[LRH1957]

So what about your kids? How old are they? What is their relationship with your wife? How will a separation or divorce affect them?

Hello! Well 3 kids, 2 are away at college except for the summer. 1 in middle school.

The two at college are certainly old enough to understand what is going on. They know that I love their mother and have been trying to help her get help for years.

One of the older ones is a son, who has said to me that he loves us both and doesn’t want us to be divorced, but that if I did, he would completely understand and be OK with it. He sees the way she treats me, doesn’t accept responsibility, is super controlling, etc. He told me that during this summer, he stays away from home as much as he can because she is driving him crazy with her over-bearing nature, her control, her OCD rituals, etc. He can’t wait to go to school to get away from the frustrating behavior.

He knows she loves him and he loves her, but he can’t stand her behaviors.

So the real issue is the younger one from the perspective if this winds up in divorce. Like anything there are pros and cons.

If we stay together as things are the young one will:
o see both parents daily (a plus)
o think that it is normal for mothers to sleep on the living room couch (where she has been for 5 years). What is this modeling?
o not see any love or affection between parents. What kind of model is that for a young girl?
o learn how to manipulate as my wife teaches her how to do with me.

If we are divorced:
o She will not see her father daily
o She will know something is not right that needed to be fixed

I am most concerned with the young one picking up OCD behaviors although my older two are OK. I have read books about this. My wife is what is called “high functioning” BPD/NPD. They can be very succesful and usually are. You would never know there are issues in public. The things mostly affected are close relationships, like spouses, where the dysfunctional behaviors are manifested when they aren’t in complete control. She is OK with the kids because as parent, she is in a position of power and control.

So there are pros and cons from the kids perspective. If things do not change, if she doesn’t get help or healing or proper counseling or meds what is going to make her face this spiritual condition she is in? The one priest helped me see that by actually leaving her, she may lose her control, hit bottom and get the help she needs. Then maybe the marriage can be revived. I’ve tried everything reasonable over many years and the priest saw that. Keeping things the same, nothing changes and she doesn’t get teh help she needs.

There is no perfect answer to this. It is why I agonize over it and have sought the help of counselors, priests, doctors.

Thanks for caring enough to ask. Please pray for our situation.

Thanks!

 

[ecp007]

If we are divorced:
o She will not see her father daily
o She will know something is not right that needed to be fixed

You mean she will not see her ‘mother’ on a daily basis, right?

She already knows something is not right. But the question is “fixed” for whom? Will the situation be fixed for her, if you leave her alone with your wife? Or will the situation be 1000 times worse for your daughter?

How do you think an OCD person with control issues will respond to being left by her husband? Should your middle school daughter have to be alone with her, and have to handle & endure your wife’s reaction to being left alone? Don’t you think your wife’s symptoms will get worse due to the stress?

Your daughter will feel that you abandonded her, and left her to deal with your wife’s issues. You may never be able to recoup the loss of trust from her. Your daughter did not pick her mother, she was born into the situation. You did pick your wife, and you did make a vow. Please do not leave your middle school daughter to handle what is too painful and too difficult for you, as a grown man, to handle.

PS: Why wouldn’t you see your daughter on a daily basis, even if you did get divorced? Would you be divorcing your daughter too? Please do not do this. Do not underestimate the impact a father -daughter relationship has on a girl. You are critically important to her, especially if her mother is not right. She needs you.

 

[LRH1957]

You mean she will not see her ‘mother’ on a daily basis, right?

She already knows something is not right. But the question is “fixed” for whom? Will the situation be fixed for her, if you leave her alone with your wife? Or will the situation be 1000 times worse for your daughter?

How do you think an OCD person with control issues will respond to being left by her husband? Should your middle school daughter have to be alone with her, and have to handle & endure your wife’s reaction to being left alone? Don’t you think your wife’s symptoms will get worse due to the stress?

Your daughter will feel that you abandonded her, and left her to deal with your wife’s issues. You may never be able to recoup the loss of trust from her. Your daughter did not pick her mother, she was born into the situation. You did pick your wife, and you did make a vow. Please do not leave your middle school daughter to handle what is too painful and too difficult for you, as a grown man, to handle.

PS: Why wouldn’t you see your daughter on a daily basis, even if you did get divorced? Would you be divorcing your daughter too? Please do not do this. Do not underestimate the impact a father -daughter relationship has on a girl. You are critically important to her, especially if her mother is not right. She needs you.

Thanks for your perspective. You sound like someone with experience or hurt in this area too. IF we separate this is the toughest issue for me. Do I fight for custody or not? Will my daughter see her father? As much as possible. Will she know he loves her… absolutely. She knows that now.Will I be there for her? Absolutely.

All these are tough issues for me that I welcome (name removed by moderator)ut on. That’s why I have spoken with counselors and priests on this and even sought incite from friends and relatives and here. This is very complex. It was a priest who said he is worried about my wife’s soul and the walls she has built around it. He understands all the things I have tried over many, many years. He is the one who recommended the loving ultimatum… “I want to be married, but if there are no changes (stop the verbal abuse, get help via meds, counseling, etc) then I will seek a divorce”.

The goal of the loving ultimatum is to force her to face this situation. The priest said “she will not change unless the pain of not changing is more than the pain of changing”. He is the one who said I cannot bluff. If she shows no signs of changing, I must carry it out. By already doing this, my wife agreed to be prayed with by a priest that she previously refused. We had some forgiveness prayer and spiritual warfare prayer. It was a beautiful session. This set up another round of marriage counseling with a new counselor as she didn’t like that the last one was familiar with her techniques to control, manipulate, be a victim, etc. He actually stopped the counseling after 4 years since she refused to follow any of his advice, exercises, etc and just constantly stonewalled and brought up the same issues again and again even after they were resolved.

The goal of this is for her to get the help, mentally and spiritually that she needs. THEN she can be healed of her OCD, OCPD, BPD, NPD to some degree. Of course there is the possbility that she refuses to maintain the wall of control around her soul that blocks out God and her husband… according to one of the priests.

I can tell you are concerned about my daughter, as I am. That is why I pray so much and seek help outside myself from people not in the fire as I am.

It’s hard to get across in a few posts this situation. My guess is that your response comes from your own pain in this area. Let’s pray that we hear God’s wisdom in our lives.

Thanks for responding and the perspective you bring. Many blessings to you!