Another downer letter from my mother

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caroljm36

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My mother, who is 86, calls herself an agnostic but she really is anti-religion. She lives 1200 miles away. She can still write a good letter but in the last one she took some shots at the “fat-faced nun” on TV and televangelists who cry on cue (I agree)…she griped that my neice and then my nephew’s girlfriend tried to lecture her about getting some faith. The nerve of them! They should listen to *her…*but she really has nothing to tell them. She writes like this every so often and it does kind of chill me down.

We had a lot of nonbelievers and intellectuals in our family and she puts great stock in them, though she can’t really explain what their beliefs were. She replaced religion with a quasi-religious belief in psychiatry, then switched to health foods, but her real idols were TV, movies, romantic novels, and gentle talk show hosts like Michael Jackson in LA, or atheist authors like Gore Vidal. She has a TV in every room and leaves it running continuously.

We are a stiff-necked family if there ever was one. Fortunately grandmother got to me at an early age, giving me the fear of God but not much else. She had to take care of me during my mother’s car accident, nervous breakdown and other melodramas. It was enough to create a spiritual side of me that grew later and I joined the Church when I was 43…anyway. I keep my faith low-key with her, mention church just in passing. I just can’t imagine trying to evangelize her and I dread getting into the usual discussions about how religions cause all the wars blah blah. Her father was very anti-Catholic. She is highly sensitive to anything resembling preaching and really gets irritated. Yet the wages of sin are so obvious in our family, as plain as day, but she would never want to acknowledge that.

Strangely enough, her grandparents were Methodist missionaries in China. They were very driven but I think maybe the family got neglected as it started falling apart thereafter.

Am I copping out by not talking to her about my faith more directly? Is it okay to respect her position and leave it at that?
 
She’s 86 set in her ways, and not shy about sharing her opinion. You learn by example, so why should you be quiet about your faith? She is sharing her’s, share yours.
 
You are not “copping out”, she needs your prayers. What a sad person who distains God. We need to pray for her. When people get up in age they seem to fall into two different groups, one seems to seek God more aggressively, I guess they realize they are getting closer to seeing Him (just old people trying to get into heaven we used to say). The second, like your mother, rejects the concept of God, probably out of fear. They understand they have not lived by the Word of God and fear He would not forgive them, if they only knew the love God has for us. I knew several people who swore they did not believe in God until they thought they were going to die, then they began to pray with tears. They knew all along there is a God, but didn’t want to admit it, for several reasons probably. Pray for your mother, that she comes to the truth before her life on earth is over. My prayers are with you.
 
She’s 86 years old, 1200 miles away…but still your mom, and able to get under your skin unlike anyone else can. Accept that there is probably not going to be any radical transformation in her life and certainly not one that will result from anyone preaching to her. She sounds “fiesty,” perhaps even a little antagonistic, so find topics/interests on which you can agree and converse without acrimony. Always be kind and patient and when on that rare occasion where she might thank you or acknowledge your kindness/attention, simply reply you are happy to do it because you feel so blessed to have her in your life. (It generally sucks the wind out of the sails of any nasty retort!)
 
Island Oak:
She’s 86 years old, 1200 miles away…but still your mom, and able to get under your skin unlike anyone else can. Accept that there is probably not going to be any radical transformation in her life and certainly not one that will result from anyone preaching to her. She sounds “fiesty,” perhaps even a little antagonistic, so find topics/interests on which you can agree and converse without acrimony. Always be kind and patient and when on that rare occasion where she might thank you or acknowledge your kindness/attention, simply reply you are happy to do it because you feel so blessed to have her in your life. (It generally sucks the wind out of the sails of any nasty retort!)
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That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing but I felt a little cowardly. Actually she’s a very nice lady and everyone gets a good impression of her, but her friendships always seem to end in fallings-out, and she doesn’t get along well with relatives either. Needless to say, it was kind of an isolated existence growing up. She lives with my brother now, who is a rabid atheist, so she can call him in for heavy artillery. Strangely enough they are really good & jolly company and I wish I were with them now, only I want to be prepared next time for any religious discussion but I fear I will just wilt again. 😦
 
Sorry to hear those extra details–makes it quite a challenge for you, I’m sure. It may not be much help but I have had any number of disappointments with family not being what I wanted/needed them to be. Once you get over the disappointment, sometimes the best you can do is learn to take care of yourself and not wait for someone related to you to step up to the plate. Search out and surround yourself with good friends, the kind who build you up and bring out the best in you. Inevitably these will be people with whom you can share your faith without fear of criticism or belittling. I truly believe our friends are the family we pick for ourselves. You sound like a sensitive, considerate, thoughtful person who would be a valued friend to someone with an open heart.
 
She’s an old lady, set in her ways, and it doesn’t sound like anything you say will make much difference.

Ignore her digs and treat her with love and respect. And, of course, pray for her a lot.
 
Island Oak:
Always be kind and patient and when on that rare occasion where she might thank you or acknowledge your kindness/attention, simply reply you are happy to do it because you feel so blessed to have her in your life.
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Or as St. Francis said, “Preach always. Use words if you have to.”
 
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