Another maritial issue: Contact with old flame okay or not?

[Kit15]

The only reason I am a little uncomfortable with my hus keeping in touch with an old girlfriend is because she said some rather not nice things to me when we first started dating. However ever since she was diagnosed with hmmm hmmmmmmm and was put on hmmm hmm hmmmmm things have been more pleasant and we’ve been able to “double date” with her and her current boyfriend. She’s a very nice girl when she’s in control and I sincerely think she regrets her past behavior so I feel I should let the matter drop. But I would be lying if I said I don’t feel a teeny tiny bit nervous around her.

My mom does not like the idea but I know where DH’s heart is in all of this. They had been friends for a long time before they attempted dating and he doesn’t like to sever ties with friends. He never goes out to see her alone or anything (we’re a package deal now) so I don’t have a whole lot to complain about in this situation.

That being said: I don’t think this is a big deal. It was an accidental meeting and nothing happened except a conversation.

 

[SaintSerafina]

I’m going counter what a lot of people said on here but oh, boy would I be upset if my fiance spent time with his ex girlfriend. I think it would be disrespectful to me and it’s not like the husband in question couldn’t have gotten a cab or asked somebody else to drive him since it is his hometown. I think the wife in the OP is 100% correct especially since it was an intimate relationship, it wasn’t just a pure courtship. Just because she is married with kids doesn’t mean she wouldn’t try to rekindle an old flame and I think it was very inappropriate for him to exchange numbers with her.

 

[AngelRS]

I don’t see any inappropriateness in the husband’s behaviour - it would have been absurd to totally avoid the woman. Plus, it’s not like he’s going to be flying back every week and seeing her socially - this was a FUNERAL…

Exchanging contact information and giving her the means to contact mutual old friends isn’t a red flag to rampant adultery, either. The wife has expressed her dissatisfaction and should leave it at that - now that her husband knows she’s uncomfortable with him maintaining contact with his ex, it will be up to him to decide if or how often he contacts her. However, his original behaviour was on the level, in my opinion.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Maybe I’m abnormal, but I would not automatically jump to the conclusion that he was up to something.

He doesn’t have to have bad intentions to do something imprudent. It didn’t sound like the issue was his being “up to something,” but his judgement. Very often things evolve from people putting themselves in imprudent situations, not from purposefully seeking to do something wrong. I don’t know what the situation was like for him, but being that it was in his hometown with old friends, was she absolutely his only possible mode of transportation? Also, wasn’t the purpose of his trip to be with the family that he was very close to growing up? Weren’t there other people to be with where he could have fulfilled this purpose with better? I don’t know…

 

[Nanny_PK]

He doesn’t have to have bad intentions to do something imprudent. It didn’t sound like the issue was his being “up to something,” but his judgement. Very often things evolve from people putting themselves in imprudent situations, not from purposefully seeking to do something wrong.

I can wholeheartedly agree with your thought – especially if this was a pattern of the husband putting himself in these kinds of situations. But if it’s a one-time event – he’s home for a funeral and runs into an old friend (or even girlfriend) – I don’t equate that to a bad judgment call and putting himself in an imprudent situation. It’s not like they were alone driving around in a car catching up. They were in a funeral procession and at a church catching up. And he told his wife about it. It’s not like he was trying to hide anything.

I am single so maybe when you’re married, you get a totally different view point on things; but I just don’t think that what happened with this man would have bothered me as it seems to have bothered some – Again, I’m assuming this is a one-time event and not a pattern.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Proper or not?
My cousin feels it was inappropriate for him to ride alone with her, sit with her and exchange any contact information with her.

I It’s not like they were alone driving around in a car catching up.

Hmm… well technically they were alone driving in a car, probably talking and catching up .

They were in a funeral procession and at a church catching up. And he told his wife about it. It’s not like he was trying to hide anything.

I am single so maybe when you’re married, you get a totally different view point on things; but I just don’t think that what happened with this man would have bothered me as it seems to have bothered some – Again, I’m assuming this is a one-time event and not a pattern.

See, its not about not trusting him. Its not a pattern, he wasn’t hiding anything. Honestly it seems like his wife isn’t mad because she thinks he was hiding something, it seems like she is questioning his judgement.

 

[Nanny_PK]

Hmm… well technically they were alone driving in a car, probably talking and catching up .

Point to LIB.

See, its not about not trusting him. Its not a pattern, he wasn’t hiding anything. Honestly it seems like his wife isn’t mad because she thinks he was hiding something, it seems like she is questioning his judgement.

I guess my question would be IF it’s a one-time event and he’s given you absolutely no reason to ever question his integrity, why would you question his judgment on this (I’m using the “you” as a general pronoun, not you personally ) I just have a hard time wrapping my brain around getting so worked up over an event – especially one that could not have been preplanned with some thought put into it. That would be so different – like he was going to a conference or something and he knew she would be there and they got together… But running into someone at a funeral and she says “Hey, you need a ride to the cemetery” – that is something I so would have done and I DO NOT do things with married men by myself such as going to lunch with them in a public place, et cetera because of the perception it would cause.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

I guess my question would be IF it’s a one-time event and he’s given you absolutely no reason to ever question his integrity, why would you question his judgment on this (I’m using the “you” as a general pronoun, not you personally ) I just have a hard time wrapping my brain around getting so worked up over an event – especially one that could not have been preplanned with some thought put into it. That would be so different – like he was going to a conference or something and he knew she would be there and they got together… But running into someone at a funeral and she says “Hey, you need a ride to the cemetery” – that is something I so would have done and I DO NOT do things with married men by myself such as going to lunch with them in a public place, et cetera because of the perception it would cause.

See, I totally agree, if he would have planned to go to conference with her it would have been a totally different issue. I just think it is not prudent to go to the funeral of a childhood’s friend’s father in one’s hometown (which suggests there may be other people there that he might know) and then choose to spend most of the time with one’s ex-girlfriend, including spending time with her at the funeral, riding alone with her to and from the burial, and then sitting with her at the dinner (and exchanging numbers etc), especially since this is the only other woman (aside from his spouse) with which he has been intimate. Spending this time with her to “catch up” etc does not contribute to the purpose of the trip, so its not like it was something necessary to pay his respects to his friend’s family (hopefully it didn’t take away from it either, like from time that could have been spent with other people, family of the deceased who he was very, very close to or other friends that had shared time spent with the family).

 

[Nanny_PK]

See, I totally agree, if he would have planned to go to conference with her it would have been a totally different issue. I just think it is not prudent to go to the funeral of a childhood’s friend’s father in one’s hometown (which suggests there may be other people there that he might know) and then choose to spend most of the time with one’s ex-girlfriend, including spending time with her at the funeral, riding alone with her to and from the burial, and then sitting with her at the dinner (and exchanging numbers etc), especially since this is the only other woman (aside from his spouse) with which he has been intimate. Spending this time with her to “catch up” etc does not contribute to the purpose of the trip, so its not like it was something necessary to pay his respects to his friend’s family (hopefully it didn’t take away from it either, like from time that could have been spent with other people, family of the deceased who he was very, very close to or other friends that had shared time spent with the family).

Point taken. I can see both sides of the debate; and while I personally think it was blown way out of proportion, I’m sure he will think twice about it in the future knowing how his wife will respond. I just think that it wouldn’t have bothered me that much because I just cannot live with looking for something to be angry/distrustful about UNLESS I’ve been given a reason to feel that way – and if that’s the case, there are bigger issues in the marriage.

Thanks for “debating” the issue with me. It’s always helpful to get another perspective to either change your mind or cement your own opinion in a nice, civilized way.

 

[stratos]

IMHO, the simple answer is “no”.

 

[taben]

My cousin told me today that what is really infuriating her is that he just does not seem to get it! She said he has apologized for making her upset and that he will have not further contact with her, but that he just really does not understand why it was so hurtful to her. He ran into her, she offered a ride, he took it. They rode back to the church and sat at a table (the two of them and others) where there was room. Period. He said he’d email her contact info for a couple of people they knew long ago. He did that and has had and has no intention of having more contact with her. He TOTALLY does not get what he did wrong.

In my view, my ‘cousin in law’ is a sweet guy, fairly nieve, very faithful and very gentle. He has never upset her this way and is baffled that she is SO angry, hurt and mad. He is even more baffled that he can’t ‘fix it’ with I’m sorry. Again, I think the lady means absolutely nothing to him and it did not even enter his radar that it was inappropriate.

Whew. My advice to my cousin now has been to pray to be forgiving and to let it go. His slow, gentle, turtle like ways sometimes aggravate her. But I think in this case she is steaming mad that he is not grasping her reasoning…I fear that her reaction is going to make her crazy!

Taben

 

[Nanny_PK]

My cousin told me today that what is really infuriating her is that he just does not seem to get it! She said he has apologized for making her upset and that he will have not further contact with her, but that he just really does not understand why it was so hurtful to her. He ran into her, she offered a ride, he took it. They rode back to the church and sat at a table (the two of them and others) where there was room. Period. He said he’d email her contact info for a couple of people they knew long ago. He did that and has had and has no intention of having more contact with her. He TOTALLY does not get what he did wrong.

In my view, my ‘cousin in law’ is a sweet guy, fairly nieve, very faithful and very gentle. He has never upset her this way and is baffled that she is SO angry, hurt and mad. He is even more baffled that he can’t ‘fix it’ with I’m sorry. Again, I think the lady means absolutely nothing to him and it did not even enter his radar that it was inappropriate.

Whew. My advice to my cousin now has been to pray to be forgiving and to let it go. His slow, gentle, turtle like ways sometimes aggravate her. But I think in this case she is steaming mad that he is not grasping her reasoning…I fear that her reaction is going to make her crazy!

Taben

I hope she takes your wise advice or else she could cause a serious break in her relationship with her husband. She’s going to have to let it go. He might not get her reasoning ever – I don’t get her reasoning – but he’s apologized and agreed to have no further contact with the lady in question. I’m not sure what else he can do to appease her.

 

[rick43235]

My cousin told me today that what is really infuriating her is that he just does not seem to get it!

Your cousin is the one who just doesn’t seem to get it. Seriously…this is the kind of thing that can run a marriage right off the rails if she doesn’t let it go. What an unnecessary waste that would be.

 

[SMHW]

1. 
   *]
   

   My cousin told me today that what is really infuriating her is that he just does not seem to get it! She said he has apologized for making her upset and that he will have not further contact with her, but that he just really does not understand why it was so hurtful to her. He ran into her, she offered a ride, he took it. They rode back to the church and sat at a table (the two of them and others) where there was room. Period. He said he’d email her contact info for a couple of people they knew long ago. He did that and has had and has no intention of having more contact with her. He TOTALLY does not get what he did wrong.
   *] In my view, my ‘cousin in law’ is a sweet guy, fairly nieve, very faithful and very gentle. He has never upset her this way and is baffled that she is SO angry, hurt and mad. He is even more baffled that he can’t ‘fix it’ with I’m sorry. Again, I think the lady means absolutely nothing to him and it did not even enter his radar that it was inappropriate.
   *] Whew. My advice to my cousin now has been to pray to be forgiving and to let it go. His slow, gentle, turtle like ways sometimes aggravate her. But I think in this case she is steaming mad that he is not grasping her reasoning…I fear that her reaction is going to make her crazy!
   
   Taben

   I’m going to repeat my earlier points. (And the reactions of many of the posters here are exactly what I expected.)
   
   The husband did not do anything “wrong”. But what he did was imprudent. It was imprudent for three reasons:
   
   1. 
      *]There was a chance (however unlikely) that the time spent *alone *with the ex could have led to something inappropriate.
      *]People at the funeral could have gotten the wrong idea.
      *]The wife’s reaction was so NORMAL. (Not universal, but normal) Loving spouses usually try to avoid pushing their spouses’ hot buttons.
      
      The wife is overreacting for the most part. Her husband did what seemed to him to be very logical. He took a ride when it was offered. He talked to somebody he knew. He provided contact information that would make some old acquaintances happy.