Another one bites the dust

  • Thread starter Thread starter shudane
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

shudane

Guest
Hello All,

So this could be long.

Little bit about me first,

I’m 35 Irish, single and never really had a girlfriend to speak of. I’ve always had good friendships with girls but never felt ready for marriage until the last 2-3 years.

So me and this girl lets call her Mary he he, have been friends for over a year. Initially I was more interested in her friend Stacy who has since moved back to Brazil. Both girls are Brazilian. BUT I was always honest with Mary about that. In fact I probably confided in her too much about it.

Now Mary and I always had a good strong friendship. We met up regularly as possible and she always made time for me. In fact I must point out I really liked her from the start. I even sent her flowers on her Birthday last January. To emphasis the fact that I liked her.

Anyways, She invited me on holdays with her to Italy. Initially she wanted to spend 20days there but in the end with work comitments etc we only stayed for 10 days. Before the holiday we were still great friends but she did mention about the fact that she wanted to get back together with her EX BF in Brazil. I prob should have burnt the bridge there.

While on holidays we were in Rome and I had her passport and it got stolen from her bag(which I had). When she found out she started crying. This really upset me and I started crying as well.

Anyways we got it all sorted but it threw the holiday outta sync. As I had everything for the rest of the holiday pre-booked. The holiday from my point of view was soooo weird. I expected us to be full of chat and lauging and what not but from my point of view Mary spent a lot of time on her phone, not just to her EX but watching Youtube clips etc…

I felt very alone on the trip at times but other times when MAry wasnt’t distracted it was wonderful.

I was falling for her. I thought she felt the same way and in Venice I couldn’t handle it anymore. Baring in mind I’ve never soberly told anyone let alone a girl that I loved them. I felt like Mary pulled it out of me a little but I told her on the boat in Venice how I felt. However my exact words were “I think I Love you!!!” To which she respnded with “I love you my friend”. The evening after that was lovely and I did feel a weight life off my mind.

However, Since we’ve come back I’ve felt a distance from her. She goes back to Brazil in 1 month and I’ve barely seen her. I’ve asked her out and excuses have followed. Also I’ve always been the one to instigate any messages. And the final kicker is she didn’t even remember my birthday. She always referred to me as her “best friend”.

I sent her an email saying that I would like to talk before she goes back and her response was that she was happy to talk but didn’t feel like anything needed to be talked about.

I dunno really what my question is just wondering is it best if I just let it fade and die or do I need to get some closure.

I’m a bit annoyed that someone that considered me to be her best friend would allow things to filter out this way. It really upsets me in fact.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and if you have any questions please let me know.
 
Dear friend,
Sorry life has to be so complicated,
It sounds as if you have been good friends with “Mary” for some time, and she is friends with you.
If you spend any length of time with someone of the opposite sex, it’s natural to develop feelings for them. After all, as a child of God, all of us have some wonderful qualities (though buried deeper in some than others!) So IMO the trip to Italy was not a great idea, especially after she said she wants to get back together with her ex boyfriend.
She has backed off a little from the friendship, which is a sign that it’s a friendship and only that, It is painful not to have your stronger feelings reciprocated, but it often happens.
You really can’t be “best friends” with someone who has a boyfriend. The significant other should be the best friend.
My suggestion: treat her as a friend. If you want to have a final get-together before she leaves, get together somewhere public, and treat her like a guy friend. Wish her the best, don’t give her a gift.
I would suggest you avoid trips with a girl in the future. It can be an occasion of scandal to others
You might want to date casually for awhile, as you say you’re considering marriage. Date a variety of girls, and don’t ask anyone to marry you until you’ve known them at least a year.
God bless.
 
Yes Vicky you are correct. I was a little reluctant to go if Im honest. Ive never been on a trip with a girl before and prob never will again until im married, which is lookubg increasingly unlikely now.

I know I just need to pick myself back up but its always the same story. I like a girl she sees me as a friend.

Thanks for the advice. God Bless you too.
 
shudane said:
Hello All,

So this could be long.

Little bit about me first,

I’m 35 Irish, single and never really had a girlfriend to speak of. I’ve always had good friendships with girls but never felt ready for marriage until the last 2-3 years.

So me and this girl lets call her Mary he he, have been friends for over a year. Initially I was more interested in her friend Stacy who has since moved back to Brazil. Both girls are Brazilian. BUT I was always honest with Mary about that. In fact I probably confided in her too much about it.

Now Mary and I always had a good strong friendship. We met up regularly as possible and she always made time for me. In fact I must point out I really liked her from the start. I even sent her flowers on her Birthday last January. To emphasis the fact that I liked her.

Anyways, She invited me on holdays with her to Italy. Initially she wanted to spend 20days there but in the end with work comitments etc we only stayed for 10 days. Before the holiday we were still great friends but she did mention about the fact that she wanted to get back together with her EX BF in Brazil. I prob should have burnt the bridge there.

While on holidays we were in Rome and I had her passport and it got stolen from her bag(which I had). When she found out she started crying. This really upset me and I started crying as well.

Anyways we got it all sorted but it threw the holiday outta sync. As I had everything for the rest of the holiday pre-booked. The holiday from my point of view was soooo weird. I expected us to be full of chat and lauging and what not but from my point of view Mary spent a lot of time on her phone, not just to her EX but watching Youtube clips etc…

I felt very alone on the trip at times but other times when MAry wasnt’t distracted it was wonderful.

I was falling for her. I thought she felt the same way and in Venice I couldn’t handle it anymore. Baring in mind I’ve never soberly told anyone let alone a girl that I loved them. I felt like Mary pulled it out of me a little but I told her on the boat in Venice how I felt. However my exact words were “I think I Love you!!!” To which she respnded with “I love you my friend”. The evening after that was lovely and I did feel a weight life off my mind.

However, Since we’ve come back I’ve felt a distance from her. She goes back to Brazil in 1 month and I’ve barely seen her. I’ve asked her out and excuses have followed. Also I’ve always been the one to instigate any messages. And the final kicker is she didn’t even remember my birthday. She always referred to me as her “best friend”.

I sent her an email saying that I would like to talk before she goes back and her response was that she was happy to talk but didn’t feel like anything needed to be talked about.

I dunno really what my question is just wondering is it best if I just let it fade and die or do I need to get some closure.

I’m a bit annoyed that someone that considered me to be her best friend would allow things to filter out this way. It really upsets me in fact.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and if you have any questions please let me know.
Click to expand...
Just let it go.

All human associations come to an end, although when they involve male and female, that can be hard to accept due to the neurochemistry involved.

You had a nice friendship, but she is leaving. No sense in clinging to a rope that is already being untied.

IMNAAHO.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA.
 
Yes I think just putting it in writing has given me that insight.
 
i hope you will not give up on women!
Marriage can be a great blessing. I am sure there are lovely women in your city who would be thrilled to go out with you. There are far too few decent Catholic men, not involved in porn, interested in long term relationships. You just have to keep looking.
Talk to some of your women friends, ask them for suggestions on meeting nice women.
As society disintegrates around us, Catholic families are a source of holiness and stability.
 
I’m sorry for your disappointment. It happens to everyone, so keep on going. Women are not good at telling men straight out that they don’t want to see you (romantically). What they do is avoid you. They act evasive, they don’t return calls or emails and act as if you don’t exist. Men make the mistake of wanting a definitive answer, or “closure”. They will press for an answer, Yea or Nay. Meanwhile, the woman is thinking, “Oh my God, why doesn’t he get it?!!! I’m not interested! I wish he’d quit calling!” Men always want a direct answer because they don’t take hints very well. Well, you’re probably not going to get an answer, closure, a reason or anything else, so forget about her. She’s not interested in a romantic relationship. There are other fish out there.
 
If she’s on youtube, you gotta tell her about “Padre Paulo Ricardo”, I’ve learned so much from this brazilian priest’s videos about catholicism. You might not be with her on the altar, but you wanna be with her in heaven :D.
 
Viki63 said:
i hope you will not give up on women!
Marriage can be a great blessing. I am sure there are lovely women in your city who would be thrilled to go out with you. There are far too few decent Catholic men, not involved in porn, interested in long term relationships. You just have to keep looking.
Talk to some of your women friends, ask them for suggestions on meeting nice women.
As society disintegrates around us, Catholic families are a source of holiness and stability.
Click to expand...
TBH I have very little energy left to give anymore.The constant cycle of rejection has left me bitter slightly. Sorry but thats just the truth.
 
shudane said:
TBH I have very little energy left to give anymore.The constant cycle of rejection has left me bitter slightly. Sorry but thats just the truth.
Click to expand...
Don’t waste time hanging around women pining for them. Ask them out fairly early on. If they say yes—yay! If they say no–move on. Don’t hang around pining.

Confiding to Mary about her friend you liked more probably killed your chances with Mary. So don’t do that again–don’t cry on one woman’s shoulder about another woman because you may eventually develop feelings for your confidant. But Mary doesn’t sound like a huge loss.

And by the way, the first big trip with a person (especially in a very foreign country) is always going to be hard, no matter what the relationship. It’s not unknown for all the togetherness to destroy friendships of people who weren’t used to spending that much time together. I remember doing a first big trip overseas with my husband when we had been married about a year–the first few days on the road were really hard until we found a routine. Something similar happened with some classmates in high school who did a two week trip to France and Spain–a lot of them had been friends, but a number of friendships did not survive the trip.

Have you been asking women on actual dates, or have you been just hanging around, being a “friend” and then surprising them with romantic interest after they’ve gotten comfortable with you as a friend? If you have, stop.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
Don’t waste time hanging around women pining for them. Ask them out fairly early on. If they say yes—yay! If they say no–move on. Don’t hang around pining.

Confiding to Mary about her friend you liked more probably killed your chances with Mary. So don’t do that again–don’t cry on one woman’s shoulder about another woman because you may eventually develop feelings for your confidant. But Mary doesn’t sound like a huge loss.

And by the way, the first big trip with a person (especially in a very foreign country) is always going to be hard, no matter what the relationship. It’s not unknown for all the togetherness to destroy friendships of people who weren’t used to spending that much time together. I remember doing a first big trip overseas with my husband when we had been married about a year–the first few days on the road were really hard until we found a routine. Something similar happened with some classmates in high school who did a two week trip to France and Spain–a lot of them had been friends, but a number of friendships did not survive the trip.

Have you been asking women on actual dates, or have you been just hanging around, being a “friend” and then surprising them with romantic interest after they’ve gotten comfortable with you as a friend? If you have, stop.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
Great post. Direct, I like direct.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top