Another Rift in Relationship with Son

[RosalieM]

You arent a horrible mom and your son isnt a horrible son. I just feel lack fo communication lead to this. My mom is sort of like this with my younger brother who has a mental disorder as well. I feel that my mom is too quick to lose her temper with him. Because of his mental illness he cant express how he feel. And i guess yiu can figure out my brother has autism. He is really shy when he is around pretty much everyone except me, my mom, and his friend. My brothers loves video games and my mom thinks he plays too much. Rather than the two of them talking it out and meeting in the middle she takes his stuff and hides it and says she gave it away. He really gets angry even more cuz she is too proud to apologize to him. She asked him to get a second free sample from costco and he didnt want to so he acted like he couldnt hear. Someone tak es the last one and she gets mad calls him the R word and he starts to cry. When she makes us cry she never feels bad. I think a good mother is supposed care about her kids. You and you son need to communicate more talk about how you feel. Things might seem hard but repairing a relationship does take time

Thank you, Confusedgirl.

 

[RosalieM]

If you expect that an occasional “trip south” is par for the course, then it will be easier to remain calm and figure that it is not a catastrophe, even though as a human you’re unlikely to always escape some strong emotions in the heat of the moment yourself. (You have to be realistic about what you expect of you, too, after all!) If your son is there to make your Christmas more “interesting” than you would like, it means that he must not be out who-knows-where and doing-who-knows-what and maybe not coming home again.

Your willingness to meet these trials with love and to pass over miscues will not go without its reward. “The measure you measure with will be measured out to you” and “love covers a multitude of sins”. The more you overlook your son’s mistakes, the more your mistakes will burn up like so much chaff and your love shine as the gold it is in the end!

Hang in there!

Thanks again, so very much Easterjoy!

 

[Bartolome_Casas]

Oh my God!

My best guesses:

(1) Don’t take his meanness personally. Assume that his behavior is him doing the best that he can cope with his interior environment (his messed up mind) and his exterior environment (I’m guessing he interacts poorly with all or all of his outside environments). Just because his behavior looks like some being intentionally rude and mean, doesn’t mean that is that.

(2) Get professional help. Not for him. For YOU. Not that you are crazy, but that you need expert help to find a way to better deal with a close relative who is crazy. Without the help of a professional with true expertise in dealing with a crazy person, I don’t think this will ever get better. I still might not ever get better, and you might end up having to move 3,000 miles away for your own good. But with professional help, you have a chance of making things more tolerable (never perfect–your relationship with this son will never be perfect, and that’s not your fault or his fault). You might have to try two or three different professionals, since some of them are kind of dopey (in my humble view), yet others are quite sharp (e.g., Dr. Phil).

God bless you. God have mercy on us all.

 

[RosalieM]

Oh my God!

My best guesses:

(1) Don’t take his meanness personally. Assume that his behavior is him doing the best that he can cope with his interior environment (his messed up mind) and his exterior environment (I’m guessing he interacts poorly with all or all of his outside environments). Just because his behavior looks like some being intentionally rude and mean, doesn’t mean that is that.

(2) Get professional help. Not for him. For YOU. Not that you are crazy, but that you need expert help to find a way to better deal with a close relative who is crazy. Without the help of a professional with true expertise in dealing with a crazy person, I don’t think this will ever get better. I still might not ever get better, and you might end up having to move 3,000 miles away for your own good. But with professional help, you have a chance of making things more tolerable (never perfect–your relationship with this son will never be perfect, and that’s not your fault or his fault). You might have to try two or three different professionals, since some of them are kind of dopey (in my humble view), yet others are quite sharp (e.g., Dr. Phil).

God bless you. God have mercy on us all.

Thank you Bartolome. I think I’m finally able to not take his actions personally. And I imagine he does interact poorly unless it’s something he enjoys. As for the professional help, it won’t make things better as long as the situation remains the same. He was supposed to get independent housing last year and it didn’t come through. I saw him lose motivation after that. He’s being told by his social worker that he’s at the ‘top of the list’, but it is still taking time. The independent apartment situation would also include a care staff. I was more disappointed than he was when he didn’t get it last year. There is hope, but things are going very slowly. He needs to catch a break and I can’t give him that.
I think the suggestions and help I’m receiving here on this thread is just what the doctor ordered. (btw, my confessor has a degree in internal medicine, has written a book on blessed John Newman and is very perceptive. I would prefer his guidance and will seek it out next Tuesday when things are back on their regular schedule). I appreciate your suggestions and all suggestions I am receiving.

 

[RosalieM]

The latest development:

My son called in response to the note I sent him. He said he likes where he’s living and we set a time for our next visit. All is as well as can be expected.
I will keep your advice and suggestions in mind and thank you all.
Good bless you and Happy and Holy New Year!

 

[m_crane]

Thank you so much. I think it’s easier to take once you can recognize it for what it is. It doesn’t hurt as much this time and I’ve done everything I can to rectify the situation. It’s now a matter of when his anger subsides, or if he’s going to disown me again.

I been disowned so many times, I come expect it. Right now my brother is getting good therapy and he has allowed me back into his life after 2 years of no contact. I know it may happen again but I try to remember that I am one of the few people that will forgive him when he does this. It’s always about imagined slights or small things blown out of proportion, the self-centeredness shows itself in his inability to see my side of anything.

It is by God’s grace I am able to bear the hurt of rejection and to give friendship to a person(s) who can’t give it back.
I only wish He’d give me that grace to deal with the people in my life that aren’t mentally ill.

And as a side note, your thread got me to thinking about other people in my life who are also generally very self-centered but are not considered mentally ill. It got me thinking perhaps they are mentally ill when it comes to loving and caring others too. The thought consoled me and softened my heart toward the people in my life who behave selfishly toward me.

God bless you and your son.

 

[Cristiano]

RosalieM it looks like you are struggling with a lot of emotions about yourself and your son. You need external help to deal with your son’s mental illness, your love and frustrations are quite evident. I encourage you to find someone trusted like a counselor or a support group where you can share what you are going through and how you feel about it. The kind of situations that you describe cannot be dealt in a simplistic manner, there are methods and techniques that can be mastered and that allow people to interact with the mentally ill without being damaged during the interaction. However, do not expect that you will not be confused, upset, or even angry from time to time, you will learn to accept your feelings and not to react in a knee jerk fashion to them.

 

[crystal_waters]

Oh my goodness! Have you heard how selfish you sound…your son cant help being mentally disabled, so why not cut him a little slack, the way you speak about him is selfish and nasty

 

[Cristiano]

Oh my goodness! Have you heard how selfish you sound…your son cant help being mentally disabled, so why not cut him a little slack, the way you speak about him is selfish and nasty

Do you really believe that personal attacks will help her to deal with things in a more appropriate manner?

 

[RosalieM]

Oh my goodness! Have you heard how selfish you sound…your son cant help being mentally disabled, so why not cut him a little slack, the way you speak about him is selfish and nasty

This is unacceptable. You have obviously not read all the posts in this thread. (Or if you have, you don’t understand or have misinterpreted the situation.) For future reference, you should not send out knee-jerk insults to people in these forums.

I appreciate the advice and opinions posted by the others and I am now unsubscribing from this thread.

 

[RosalieM]

RosalieM it looks like you are struggling with a lot of emotions about yourself and your son. You need external help to deal with your son’s mental illness, your love and frustrations are quite evident. I encourage you to find someone trusted like a counselor or a support group where you can share what you are going through and how you feel about it. The kind of situations that you describe cannot be dealt in a simplistic manner, there are methods and techniques that can be mastered and that allow people to interact with the mentally ill without being damaged during the interaction. However, do not expect that you will not be confused, upset, or even angry from time to time, you will learn to accept your feelings and not to react in a knee jerk fashion to them.

Thank you for your kind suggestions. I have asked my son to correct me if he feels I am in any way out of line. And I do have excellent counsel which I will take advantage of.

 

[crystal_waters]

This is unacceptable. You have obviously not read all the posts in this thread. (Or if you have, you don’t understand or have misinterpreted the situation.) For future reference, you should not send out knee-jerk insults to people in these forums.

I appreciate the advice and opinions posted by the others and I am now unsubscribing from this thread.

Rosalie, id like to apologise that i came across as harsh, i didnt mean it that way, i have mentally disabled family members so i get defensive and protective of them, im sorry rosalie