Anxiety..don’t know where else to turn:/

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AggieCatholic22

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Let me begin by saying I’m in a very happy marriage and my husband and I have a incredible little boy:) God, my husband, my toddler son and my friends are the only people holding me together right now. I don’t know where else to turn to get this all out so I apologize for venting:/ I know I need to see a therapist but idk where to start:/ I have had anxiety since my son was born and over the last year it’s gotten so much worse and it’s basically because of my mother. She gives me anxiety:/ my husband and I want to take a road trip and leave behind our son with either my parents or my in laws( my in laws have already agreed to take care of our son for us while we are gone:) ) they are super supportive! My mom on the other hand which let
Me say this I love my mom so much she’s the best! But I have so much anxiety I guess about her reactions to things because her words even though she may not mean them always cut really deep:/ i feel crippled because I can’t live my life because my moms opinions about stuff and what she says cuts so deeply. I am so scared to tell her about the trip my husband and I are going on because I know she will chew me out for leaving my son behind. Like badly. I am on the verge of a mental breakdown because I need a break… I haven’t gone anywhere much since my son was born. I stay home with him and I nursed him for 18 months. I need this trip with my husband as we haven’t gotten many opportunities to go anywhere since our son was born almost 2 years ago. I am the youngest of five kiddos I will add and I feel like I’ve always been held to this standard by my mom that I have to do things this way or that way and if not it’s not right. I feel so crippled by this all and I am almost tempted to tell my husband we shouldn’t go on this trip because I am so worried about my moms reaction to it. And the chew out I know I’ll get. I have been physically ill lately because of this all. Ultimately I would love prayers for courage please:) and advice if possible. I’m sorry for venting y’all I just don’t where else to turn to. Thanks and God Bless!
 
Firstly, you have my prayers ( and I’m sure those of other members) for the guidance to do the best for yourself and your family.

I am assuming you have and are sharing this with your husband. Do continue. Also let him know that you are sharing so he can understand your feelings, and not because he has to “fix” anything. Men and women typically communicate differently and many husbands and men will want to fix the problem; he can’t.

Yes, by all means seek out some professional help from a priest, counselor, or therapist. It could be anxiety, something more, or something different.

Been there, done that (the husband)
 
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Please, talk to a medical professional and a counselor about this anxeity. You are an adult woman, go on a trip with your husband.

If your mom tries to “chew you out”, hang up the phone or walk out the door. “Mom, I am a responsible adult. I appreciate your concern, but, this is not open for discussion.” Repeat as often as needed.
 
AggieCatholic22 said:
let Me say this I love my mom so much she’s the best! But I have so much anxiety I guess about her reactions to things because her words even though she may not mean them always cut really deep:/ i feel crippled because I can’t live my life because my moms opinions about stuff and what she says cuts so deeply.
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This jumped out at me. There is a big contradiction here. If your mom causes you this level of crippling anxiety, she is not “the best” and you need to own up to this fact. You need to stop giving her this power over you, and part of that process is going to entail really acknowledging that the woman who is supposed to love you the most in the world is the source of your greatest turmoil. You don’t get to call her “the best.” She isn’t the best. Speaking from experience here… She may love you and mean well, but you’re going to have to really, deep down in your heart and mind, come to terms with fact that she is wronging you, and there’s no excuse whatsoever for the pain she is causing you. You may think you have accepted it, but the fact that you have to preface your explanation with “I love my mom, she’s the best!” shows that deep down you really haven’t. And this is what is leading you to allow her to have this power over you.

Go on the trip with your husband. DO NOT cancel it because of anything to do with your mother’s opinion or comments. If your mom says anything at all, walk away, hang up the phone, and completely ignore her. If she continues, you need to flat out tell her the pain she’s causing you, and if she won’t stop after that, you will need to set strong boundaries and greatly limit the time you spend with her.
 
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Sounds like we have the same sort of mom and, based on your username, the same alma mater. Gig’em.

I used to really let all my mom’s judgements cut me. It helped when my sister and I started talking about some of the ridiculous and hurtful things mom says to know we are not alone and to dissect these things as ridiculous. For example my mom hardcore judges people who have a regular kind of date night (one of the best things we have done for our marriage to stay connected amidst all these kids). It helped to think back with my sister about how my parents rarely went on dates and what their marriage is/was like.

You said you have older siblings. Maybe you can talk to them and feel better. Know that your marriage is your vocation. Pleasing your mother is not your life’s mission.

She is likely in a stage where she is comparing herself back then to you. The lashing out could be that your example is a threat to how she imagined herself. I know that sounds like an absolutely ridiculous motive. If your kids are doing better than you did somehow, shouldn’t you be pleased since you’re the one who raised them? But there are some people out there like that.
 
Eventually you’ll have a breakthrough. Like at the end of the Labyrinth where Sarah realizes and says “You have no power over me.” Then the Goblin King freaks out, turns into an owl and flies away indignantly. This is my second Labyrinth themed post this morning. I’m not sure what’s happening.
 
Howdy! I’m the class of ‘13. What about you? And yeah my mom’s opinions and such are sometimes never really thought through she just says what’s on her mind and spews words out without necessarily meaning what she says always. It’s those moments that are tough to not feel guilty in. I guess I always hate to have her or my father disappointed in me. So I’ve tried my whole life(27 years) of trying to be the best person I could be and try to make them proud of me. Which they are and have never expressed that they weren’t proud of me growing up or even now. My mom just is difficult because she just spews words out and it cuts deep. I just wish she would be more understanding sometimes. It’s like these unspoken standards that she’s set for all of us kids. I can’t explain much to her ever because she just spews words out more and doesn’t take the time to understand…
 
Hey you graduated the same year my sister did(well one of my sisters) how cool! And it’s yeah I feel like sometimes all that a person can do is pray about it all…
 
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By all means, pray about it. But, don’t expect God to change your mother overnight…tempting as the thought is, He gave us all free will. Any your Mom, sorry to say, will continue to exercise hers!

Just keep reminding yourself that you’re a grown woman…old enough to marry, have a child, and go on a vacation with your husband. Expect some resistance, but don’t let her talk you out of this trip! I take it that you and your husband have agreed to go? Can afford it? Have made accommodations for your son?

That’s all you need. And, all you have to tell your mom about. Go, and have a wonderful time!
 
I will add to the prayers. I was almost 40 when I finally spoke up.
Now I tell my own “kids” and their friends when faced with the same dilemma: Act like an adult and (eventually) your parents will treat you as such.
Please come back and let us know how you are doing 🙂
ps Moms don’t always know what we say hurts. It’s ok to remind us.
 
You don’t have to justify going on a vacation with your husband! Get excited about it. Start planning. Let your mother silently judge you and let it roll off your back.
As married adults, we are commanded to honor our parents, not obey them. We are only accountable to God and our spouse. It seems like your mother has overstepped her boundaries and it would be appropriate for your husband to help you deal with this situation, he is your protector and you are suffering. Maybe he can call her to break the news and hash out any of her concerns?
 
Update: I’ve talked with one of my siblings and my sister in law as of lately and they have been giving me some great advice and such. Going to tell my mom about the trip this week. I’m slowly gaining courage…I just ask for prayers for courage. I am still very much nervous, but I know once I get passed this the anxiety will dial down a little bit. Trying to take it one day at a time. Some days are worse than others. I so appreciate yalls advice and super kind words and prayers! Thank you to everyone! Y’all are such a blessing! I’ll update again but as of now I’m feeling a little bit better in this moment:)
 
Why do you even have to tell her? I am a grown woman, I do not inform my mom every time I leave town.
 
Update #2 told my mom about the trip this morning didn’t say where we were going, but she and my dad agreed to watch my son for a week:) which praise God she didn’t freak out or get mad etc:) Thank You all for the prayers! Working through my anxiety day by day starting today and it’s going to be a real journey but I’m ready to walk it:) my husband is awesome and I praise God that he is so supportive and loving!🙂
 
I’m glad that telling her went well. But please do see someone about your anxiety.
 
DeniseNY said:
I’m glad that telling her went well. But please do see someone about your anxiety.
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Yes, and really, work on limiting the information you tell to your mother. She doesn’t have to know everything about your life. The less she knows, the less she can make hurtful, anxiety-causing comments about.
 
As an adult, you don’t owe your mother an explanation about anything you do in your life. If your mother causes you stress, pull back in the relationship.

Think of what you would do if in place of your mother it was a friend criticizing you. How would you handle it? Would you continue telling your friend stuff? My guess is, you wouldn’t tell anything to this friend that would leave you vulnerable. Just because she is your mother doesn’t mean she has any greater right to a deep relationship with you. That has to be earned.

Try the Boundaries series of books by Cloud and Townsend. They really are very good and easy to read.
 
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