Any adult adoptees in reunion?

[gmarie21]

I am having an issue. I have a relationship with my birth families, however, a few on my birth father’s side seem to take EVERYTHING I post on FB as an attack and judgemental and proceed to call me names or make some seriously crazy accusations (I try as best as I can to stick with discussing the issue, not the person). This week one told me to jump in a lake after telling me I was judgmental and not Christlike and ended with a quote from her grandmother about going to hell. The other cut me off again after saying that I am self-righteous and criticizing my choice in friends (the last time he told me off he was extremely rude about my family in which I 100% told him to back off and that he has no right to be so rude about people that he does not know).

Needless to say I do not know if I should do a full pull-back (as they say in adoption reunion land) or a partial pull-back (just calling bio dad and bio grandma on the phone but not visiting). Normally I would just pull back and let things cool off, but I have a biological half sister who is my daughter’s age and well she and my daughter enjoy spending time together the times we get together every few months. I could always arrange to just spend time with her through her mom (who doesn’t talk to bio dad).

I grew up in a family that was a loud and proud opinionated Italian/Irish family. We fought, we talked over each other, we were sometimes rude, but at the end, we forgave and love each other. We all love debate and maybe that is why we do not take it personally when someone disagrees. The way my biological family members act as adults is shocking to say the least, or at least, not what I am use to. What would you do (or have you done) with this kind of conflict with birth family?

Thank you again. I am not the type of person who wants to cut off anyone and don’t think opinions are worth walking away from people which is why I am stuck right now.

 

[SamH]

Why associate with them if that is the way they are?

 

[gmarie21]

Why associate with them if that is the way they are?

I tend to be a loyal person, sometimes to a fault. And when it comes to this adoption stuff and reunion stuff it is way more complicated emotionally to figure it all out with all the baggage that comes with reunion

 

[SamH]

I tend to be a loyal person, sometimes to a fault. And when it comes to this adoption stuff and reunion stuff it is way more complicated emotionally to figure it all out with all the baggage that comes with reunion

I can’t imagine anyone thinking it wouldn’t be complicated. I would think your loyalty would be with those that raised you - you owe these strangers little if anything. I don’t know the circumstances of your adoption or your rearing but I would be careful about making any allegiances with people you don’t know.

But then I am also speaking as a prospective adoptive father who has seen why his prospective adoptive children are no longer with their parents (actually testifying against them on Thursday). So I might be approaching this subject with a bit of bias.

 

[gmarie21]

I can’t imagine anyone thinking it wouldn’t be complicated. I would think your loyalty would be with those that raised you - you owe these strangers little if anything. I don’t know the circumstances of your adoption or your rearing but I would be careful about making any allegiances with people you don’t know.

But then I am also speaking as a prospective adoptive father who has seen why his prospective adoptive children are no longer with their parents (actually testifying against them on Thursday). So I might be approaching this subject with a bit of bias.

Yeah, mine was a closed adopting in the 1970s and my parents picked me up at the ripe old age of 9 days old. I love my family no matter how big and crazy they are (ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding? yeah, my family is like that though it has changed a bit in recent years). Considering that you know of your child’s biofamily you can answer a ton of questions that I could not have answered had it not been for my finding my birth family. It was a medical issue that caused me to search in the first place (I wasn’t expecting any relationship to develop just an exchange of information). They are broken people who have had their struggles, just like everyone else. As a Catholic, why would I just ignore them after meeting them and seeing that they are not a threat? I see them as being similar to in-laws. And while your children may not grow up with adoption issues, don’t be surprised if they do. I love my family to the moon and back and still had adoption issues with identity.

 

[Aggies08]

Personally, I’d either block their posts from showing up, or remove them from my friend’s list.

 

[Regina_Love]

We have two open adoptions, and sometimes there can be misunderstandings, because of different family cultures. You have learned that if you disagree with certain people there will be problems. Some relationships have to be handled very delicately. I have found I tend to spend less time with these people because they are so high maintenance. I would probably unfriend these people on face book, so you can relax and be your self with out having to start World War III accidently. Or perhaps there is a way to send them the occasional post, while blocking others. The hard part is knowing what types of things will set them off!

I always like to treat others with a respectful, and kind attitude. I do tend to think out of the box, so I like to stir things up, and get a good discussion going. I prefer out spoken friends! At least you know what they think, and don’t have to walk on egg shells ha!

Hopefully you will have an opportunity to express how you feel about different opinions, and that it doesn’t have to get personal. I usually apologize for hurting some ones feelings, and express that was not my intention. (even if they over reacted) It just smooths things over, and gives them information about you.

I hate it when people jump to wild conclusions, and start making accusations! They tend to have judgemental thoughts, and project that onto you! They assume your going to judge them, and jump you first! Trust me it’s a lot of drama you don’t need in your life! I would definitely pull back with those people.

Honestly you are free not to have a relationship with all these people. It is your choice. I would just make an effort to spend time with those I like, or value. The rest you may choose not to see, cause it’s too much drama. You may see them on occasion at a family gathering, but there is no reason to go out of your way to spend time with them. Why volunteer to be verbally abused? Certainly give yourself permission to not see people who will cause problems in your life. You seem pretty smart. I’m sure you can manage it.

Opening that relationship is scary at first. You want to make a good impression, but you don’t even know what they like or what their buttons are. I’ve known our Birth Parents since they were 16 & 17 years old. Now they are in their 30’s. It was kinda awkward at first, but now it’s good. They even call for advice, or prayers sometimes. I just called Heather the other day. She’s a nurse now, and I had some medical questions she helped me with. It’s pretty awesome! We are blessed to have very kind, good Birth Parents, and extended family for the most part.

May God Bless you on the journey.

 

[gmarie21]

Personally, I’d either block their posts from showing up, or remove them from my friend’s list.

Don’t need to, one removed me and I’m sure the other blocked their list from seeing me. I really am not so much concerned for them but how all their over sensitivity may affect the relationships I have with the non-over sensitive in the family. This is why I was looking for opinions from adult adoptees or those within the adoption triad because it is very difficult for those outside of the adoption triad to understand all the weird emotions that come with this issue.

 

[Aggies08]

I’m sorry Hopefully someone will come along that can give better advice in that situation .

 

[gmarie21]

We have two open adoptions, and sometimes there can be misunderstandings, because of different family cultures. You have learned that if you disagree with certain people there will be problems. Some relationships have to be handled very delicately. I have found I tend to spend less time with these people because they are so high maintenance. I would probably unfriend these people on face book, so you can relax and be your self with out having to start World War III accidently. Or perhaps there is a way to send them the occasional post, while blocking others. The hard part is knowing what types of things will set them off!

I always like to treat others with a respectful, and kind attitude. I do tend to think out of the box, so I like to stir things up, and get a good discussion going. I prefer out spoken friends! At least you know what they think, and don’t have to walk on egg shells ha!

Hopefully you will have an opportunity to express how you feel about different opinions, and that it doesn’t have to get personal. I usually apologize for hurting some ones feelings, and express that was not my intention. (even if they over reacted) It just smooths things over, and gives them information about you.

I hate it when people jump to wild conclusions, and start making accusations! They tend to have judgemental thoughts, and project that onto you! They assume your going to judge them, and jump you first! Trust me it’s a lot of drama you don’t need in your life! I would definitely pull back with those people.

Honestly you are free not to have a relationship with all these people. It is your choice. I would just make an effort to spend time with those I like, or value. The rest you may choose not to see, cause it’s too much drama. You may see them on occasion at a family gathering, but there is no reason to go out of your way to spend time with them. Why volunteer to be verbally abused? Certainly give yourself permission to not see people who will cause problems in your life. You seem pretty smart. I’m sure you can manage it.

Opening that relationship is scary at first. You want to make a good impression, but you don’t even know what they like or what their buttons are. I’ve known our Birth Parents since they were 16 & 17 years old. Now they are in their 30’s. It was kinda awkward at first, but now it’s good. They even call for advice, or prayers sometimes. I just called Heather the other day. She’s a nurse now, and I had some medical questions she helped me with. It’s pretty awesome!

May God Bless you on the journey.

Thank you. The growing pains are why I believe in keeping a relationship with those who aren’t as dramatic from this family. Thank you for understanding. I try to explain this to my husband who’s on this journey with me, but at the same time he’s on the outside of it too (though he’s learning better than I had imagined). It really is difficult for those outside of the triad to really grasp the weirdness at first because there isn’t another type of situation in most people’s lives. The closest I can think of that others can relate to are in-laws.

 

[HouseArrest]

I have next to zero experience with adoption so take this for what it is worth…

I think facebook is difficult for everyone at one time or another - why don’t you discuss (or just do it…) leaving them off your facebook, for the sole reason that it is difficult to understand one another using social networking?

Maybe you could even have a separate account so you could share pictures and plans with them but not post your political or other views on that account?

 

[Allegra]

I have no experience with adoption and birth families, however, couldn’t you just remove the offending individuals from your facebook account? That’s what I would do if someone in my family was being unreasonable on facebook.

 

[SamH]

Yeah, mine was a closed adopting in the 1970s and my parents picked me up at the ripe old age of 9 days old. I love my family no matter how big and crazy they are (ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding? yeah, my family is like that though it has changed a bit in recent years). Considering that you know of your child’s biofamily you can answer a ton of questions that I could not have answered had it not been for my finding my birth family. It was a medical issue that caused me to search in the first place (I wasn’t expecting any relationship to develop just an exchange of information). They are broken people who have had their struggles, just like everyone else. As a Catholic, why would I just ignore them after meeting them and seeing that they are not a threat? I see them as being similar to in-laws. And while your children may not grow up with adoption issues, don’t be surprised if they do. I love my family to the moon and back and still had adoption issues with identity.

Our foster daughter’s mother is adopted and has lots of mental issues, and then she lived with and had children with a pedophile (actually a whole family of pedophiles). Little if any medical information will be forthcoming. Those people hate us with a passion - and right back at them.

Our foster son’s mother has no idea who the father is (she narrowed it down to 4 guys and it turned out to be none of them). She’s only interested in him when she’s in jail (gives her phone and computer access and field trips to hearings instead of sitting in her cell all day) and then fights to keep him with her court appointed attorneys. When she’s out of jail she disappears and has only made it to one visit with him (in 18 months). He will be her 5th child she has had taken from her. I don’t think we are going to get any worthwhile medical information from her either.

While I hope our children someday meet their bio parents - I also hope it happens when they are in a good place and they can’t cause the type of pain you are experiancing.

 

[dixieagle]

I’m an adult adoptee, adopted in Massachusetts in the early 50s when everything was very hush-hush and secret. I always had questions, but it took me until I had children myself (the first blood relatives I ever knew!) to try to get answers. I obtained “non-identifying information” from Catholic Charities in Boston but was able to discern my birth mother’s name (I think they didn’t black things out too thoroughly on purpose.) There was some other pretty unique info, so I emailed everyone in Massachusetts with the same last name on AOL’s member directory and, a month later, received an email back from a cousin who had recognized her from her name and the other information.

My birth mother was in her late 70s at the time, had married and been widowed and never had any other children. We spoke by phone and sent letters back and forth, and I did meet her once before she passed away at 80. She was delightful and so glad to know that I had been brought up by a wonderful family and was happily married and a mother myself. On one other occasion a cousin invited most of her very large family to visit when my husband, daughters and I were up in Massachusetts visiting. It was a large, boisterous Irish family - much like the family in which I grew up.

I am now in occasional contact with one cousin and hear a little news from her. However, when my questions (mainly medical) were answered, and after my birth mother died, I discovered that I didn’t have a burning desire to establish a close relationship with anyone else in the family. Perhaps the fact that we live 1500 miles away played a part, or the fact that both of my parents were still living and I didn’t want to do anything to hurt them (my dad is still alive, as 92.) My mom was glad that my birth mother finally met me and died at peace with her decision. My dad isn’t too big on contact between adoptees and birth parents, and doesn’t really say much about it.

Our girls were a little weirded out by meeting another grandmother, but understood why I felt I needed answers. The cousin with whom I still am in touch invited me to share in the ancestry.com family tree, and that has been fascinating, to say the least.

God bless you in your endeavors and I hope for a calm, fruitful relationship with your birth family.