Any advice on how I should mutitask?

[AlwaysChatholic]

I lost my mother last October. It was difficult taking care of my dying mother and my young children all in the same home. I don’t know how I got through it. My in laws were a great help taking care of my kids and picking them up from school when my mother was at hospice and on her death bed. Now almost a year later my in laws have gotten worse. I am in the same situation. My father in law is set in his own ways and is angry all the time. He yells in front of my kids. My mother in law is losing her memory badly too. I had to go along with my youngest son to their doctor appointments which is down the road otherwise she will get lost. Dad got a new prescription which he was supposed to take 3 times a day. The thing is my in laws won’t get up early anymore. So by the time he takes his last pill it will be at midnight. So I have to be up till midnight to give him his pill and then get up at 5:30 to get ready to take my older son to school. Then my youngest starts his online school at 8:30 with morning meeting with the teacher at 8:30. 8:30 is when my in laws come to eat breakfast. I have been making their breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. My father in law is very demanding. When he asks for something you have to give it to him right away otherwise he will be upset. My oldest son was studying for his math test but my in laws turned the t.v. on so loud and that distracted my son. He had to go to my closet to study but still the t.v. was loud. My husband comes in and out of the new house because he is working on selling both my in laws and our old houses. He has to do all the fixing and clearing the old houses and also has to mow the lawn at the current house my kids, in laws and I are living in as well as both the old houses. So that makes me responsible for taking care of my in laws and my kids even if it means I will not get any adequate sleep. There is so much tension going on right now with my father in law yelling and shouting everyday and somehow I have to ignore him and multi task. How can I help my son with his school stuff and take care of my in laws at the same time? My father in law can’t be left alone because he threatens to take the car and drive somewhere. One of my brother in law who lives close by won’t help. He comes once in a while just to visit. His excuse is that he has a back ache. My husband said they can’t move into a nursing home because my father in law wants to onlybmove to a nursing home which is 2 hours away. Because it’s in the same town he grew up in. We cannot afford a home health aid. The other 3 siblings live in other states.

 

[Irishmom2]

Have your in-laws been seen by a doctor to determine if they have dementia yet?

Your husband needs to make it clear to his father that his behavior is unacceptable. You or your husband need to protect your children from his out bursts. Your husband should discuss with his dad, the impossibility of him going in a nursing home 2 hours away, and tell him that when the time comes, he will go to one close by.

It sounds like you need to set an alarm and give your FIL his meds, not rely on him to remember.

How old are your children? Are they old enough to mow the law or help with preparing meals, or other household tasks?

 

[Annie]

Wow, you and your husband have way too much to do and you really need more sleep.

May I suggest writing down a list of problem areas, and brainstorming each one individually? Because looking at them all at once is bound to be totally overwhelming. You could also make a brief outline of your schedule so it is clearly laid out where the conflicts are.

For example, you and your husband could get together with BIL with the bad back and any other siblings (if any) and decide how to allocate the work fairly. The work including both taking care of the houses and taking care of your in-laws.

If BILWTBB can’t contribute to anything at all or less than his fair share, maybe he could pay someone to do his share. Maybe he could barter his skills with someone to do that work.

BILWTBB should also be contributing to his parents’ care: feeding them, taking them to appointments, etc.

Wrt to the loud tv… earphones/earbuds at certain times of the day? BILWTBB and your husband might be able to remind their parents about how they required them to do homework, etc., to nudge them into compliance.

About the pills, ask the pharmacist how vital the timing is. If the first and last must be taken 16 hours apart, maybe your husband could wake your FIL enough to take the pill at 5:30 am so the last pill of the day would be at 9:30 pm. Maybe your BIL can come over at midnight to give him the pill.

Regarding meals: Can you get your in-laws on whatever program is like Meals on Wheels in your area? That would take care of lunch for them (and possibly help them get on a better sleep schedule). Then you and your children could just eat sandwiches.

Maybe breakfast can be streamlined: you fix one batch of breakfast (oatmeal, scrambled eggs, etc) or lay out some simple things for them to eat like breakfast bars.

These are just examples which may totally not work for your situation (sometimes people seem to feel obliged to explain why they are not using the suggestions offered by random strangers on the internet…), but which may, I hope, help lead to solutions.

Let me also ask… is your FIL able to do anything? Could he take care of breakfast for himself and your MIL? I ask because my parents tend to push back and get angry if I try to do what they consider too much. You might try in cluding your FIL in the discussions about the scheduling and division of labor; he might be surprisingly helpful and less angry if he doesn’t feel like his independence has been taken away from him.

Or not! as the case may be

 

[Peeps]

I apologize if I missed this in your initial post. . . .

And…it seems odd that you have school-age children, but your inlaws are old enough to be retired and exhibiting symptoms that normally only senior citizens have, e.g., dementia, sleep issues. . . .

. . . . My husband and I married when we were 21, and our parents were in their 40s. We are now in our 60s and our children have been adults living away from home for decades. My husband’s parents are in their 80s, and have been developing symptoms of extreme old age for the last 5 years (dementia, mobility issues, incontinence, sleep issues, deafness, loss of sight, etc. all leading to a state of uncleanliness in their home that is quite disgusting), but have been able to live independently and even drive/travel until about a year ago.

Now they are struggling to stay in their home, and we, along with my husband’s sister, have been trying to provide in-home care for them for the last 12 months–and it’s gotten pretty much impossible for us, as both of us still work at jobs and are still paying off mortgage, working on building up our retirement savings, and have our own aging health issues (I have a total knee replacement surgery scheduled for a few weeks from now, thank God!, and my husband had his hip replaced last year).

. . . .

I do greatly sympathize with you–taking care of parents is extremely stressful. I urge you to talk to your doctor and ask them to refer you to senior organizations in your area who can help you find in-home care. My sister and my husband finally booked an in-home care service for his parents, and it HEAVEN ON EARTH for all of us! They cook, clean, do the physical care (bathing, changing adult diapers, etc.), and provide company–they even read the Bible to my father-in-law when he asks! At this point, they only stay 8 hours a day, but that’s enough so far. I know things will get worse as my parents-in-law get older and older.

 

[F_Marturana]

And…it seems odd that you have school-age children, but your inlaws are old enough to be retired and exhibiting symptoms that normally only senior citizens have, e.g., dementia, sleep issues. . . .

It’s not very odd.

My mom struggled with dementia from when she was about 70 or so.

My kids were 11, 8 and 3.

When it got very bad (psychosis, wandering away from home, paranoia) my oldest was just about 16.

Granted my mother was younger than most dementia patients, but it wasn’t “early onset” dementia.

 

[F_Marturana]

Yes.

If the parents don’t own much in terms of assets, Medicaid might be possible, and they might be able to get an in home nurse.

Even if that’s not possible, a part time nurse a few times a week might help.

 

[bluerose]

This is the second post I’ve seen regarding this same issue from this poster.

I understand that things are reaching a breaking point. But for us to suggest ways for you to multitask… to find ways to do more than you’re doing already… no. Sorry. I’m not going to help you pile more on your plate.

You need to get help. It’s overwhelming to do this all yourself. You need to see if there are agencies in your area that will help and whether or not your in-laws are eligible for help. I believe you said (in a different post) that your husband has power of attorney. You and he need to sit down with someone who can help you find assistance, either in your home or in a facility. You both need to lay out all the issues and have them assess your in-laws. At this point, the wishes of your in-laws are secondary to what you can actually provide. Unless they made provision to pay for everything they want, they’re going to have to settle for what they can afford, even if it’s not their preference. That being said, I know it’s hard, but you are not obligated to fulfill every desire of theirs, especially since you are raising your own family and trying to pay your own bills.

If there are other siblings, then it’s clear to me that, if they cannot be there to help physically, then they must pitch in what they can to help pay for THEIR parents’ care. My sister cared for my mother primarily, but my mother’s survivor benefits were helping to pay for my sister’s expenses as well as my mother’s, but I still took my mom from time to time to give my sister a break (I live two hours away in a rural area, in a different state, so it wasn’t practical for me to have mom full time.) If my mother had not had benefits (or very minimal ones) I would have pitched in whatever my sister needed to pay for mom’s caregivers. I still pitched in to help on occasion since my sister had the responsibility of caring for her.

In other words, your husband’s siblings have been getting away with not having the responsibility to care for their own parents. It’s time for you and your husband to put your foot down. And you can not and should not feel guilty if your in-laws need to go into a nursing home. It’s apparent that they cannot live without round-the-clock care… having them go into a home is providing that care. You can’t do this alone anymore.

I’m praying for you to get the help your family needs and for there to be peace in your life.

 

[AlwaysChatholic]

My in laws have plenty of money. They have investments and a property. My father in law owned a house out of state and it was unoccupied. He refused to sell it for the longest time. Some of his children kept telling him to sell the house before he loses anymore more money on that. He was not happy when he sold that house. With that house money and his investments my in laws were able to buy the current house. My family and I are living there temporally only so we can take care of them. They have another house that needs to be sold which is located in a pretty bad neighborhood. My husband and I bought a house 12 years ago walking distance from that house so that we can help them. My father in law refused to move out of that house or buy his current house. For him it is all about money. Although my husband is working on selling that house so he can get money to put back into his investments he is refusing to sell it. He keeps saying that’s my house. He thinks my husband and I are taking advantage and we moved in with them just so we can live in a big house. He is constantly accusing my husband of this. He loses his paperwork and keys and other stuff and blames it on us saying we took it. 2 days ago he was so mad that he yelled, threw a pen, cussed and tried to grab my phone all in front of my 8 year old. He is even asking what’s going to happen to the current house after he dies. He keeps saying that my mother in law needs to be well taken care of and that’s what we are doing. My mother in law can’t leave his sight. He goes crazy when she even goes to the bathroom . She constantly got interrupted and he needed her attention all the time. She had to drive and get what ever food he wanted when he wanted no matter how busy she was. So we are taking care of mom too so she can relax. But she can’t even sit down. When she is getting ready to eat he will call her until both their food gets cold. I do all the cooking and now I am experiencing the same thing. He needs attention all time it seems like. Right now after dropping my older son off to school and I am in the car is the rare times I am able to write about this. I am taking my time to give home. Because once I get there he will start yelling and accusing again. I am sorry to post this because I have no real friends to talk to.

 

[dollysro]

I am sorry to post this because I have no real friends to talk to.

You don’t need to be sorry, it’s just that multiple posts on the same topic get confusing. Considering updating one post. That will also save you time retelling the situation.
I know it’s hard, I lived it. Finally I had to put my foot down and say “I am only human and also raising a family and running a household as well as yours. Either we do it this way or you find another solution.” Often times older people are afraid of losing their independence and home. The future seems limited and bleak. They lash out to those who they know won’t abandon them. Sometimes they need a little taste of what they are doing to others. Ignore them, let them yell or stew as long as they are safe. Apparently you mil has mollycoddled him for a long time and he feels it’s his due. If people will jump, he will keep barking.
Why can’t you talk to your husband about this? It’s his parents. I doubt he will get any siblings on board; usually it’s just the one who does the care taking and all who have their hands out after the parents are gone. I understand he is mowing and remodeling but maybe hire that out. Your sanity and health are priceless.

 

[bluerose]

Your father in law sounds like my mother did… suspicious that my sister was stealing her money, trying to tell the neighbors that she was starving and had no money or clothes because my sister and her daughter took it all, trying to leave the house (she couldn’t drive, thank God, but managed to get across the street with her walker to tell the neighbors to take her to the bank so she could get her money), lost her identification (including her military dependent ID), Medicare card, social security card. My sister refused to consider putting her in a facility, but it took its toll on my sister. Mind you, my mother was 93 when she passed last month and my sister has put up with this for the last five years when my mother started to decline. How old is your FIL? How is his health? How long do you think you can deal with this? It took a toll on my sister’s health, mentally and physically. Her daughter just turned 19. You have an 8 year old who is having to deal with this.

Finally, I know your husband is busy, but these are HIS parents. HE needs to address this issue with his siblings and his parents and make a plan to keep his wife and children safe from distress. This should not be all on you to deal with. As far as fixing up the house… can’t you sell it “as is”? Is it worth your husband spending time to fix it up?

I am praying so hard for you and your family.

 

[TheIttyBitty]

I am sorry if I get any detail or interpretation wrong, and I impart no judgment with this, just that you carefully consider your situation.

I thought the first time seeing this, in this particular situation, that the in-laws should get to go to a home that is of their own choosing, particularly if they are of the means to do this, as they earned it, and they need it.

When we cannot care for someone we are meant to care for as best as we can, intervention is needed.

Clearly you need to find someone (Someone your in-laws would trust, maybe a fiduciary, financial advisor, or accountant that is a son or daughter of someone they grew up with) that can help with them financially affording their chosen nursing home or retirement community (helping them to liquidate assets to cover costs of the move).

You have to know, you can only do so much. Travel is much easier than responsibility.

If they’re helping financially with your own home, then you must realize you may need to downscale things due to this situation. There’s no shame in that.

There’s no shame in reaching out for help when it is needed, and it’s helpful that your in-laws have the means of affording it, which eases burden on yourself. They need someone trustworthy to help them to properly manage the situation of their finances independently of you and your husband, so that your father in law feels safer, and he can get to the care that he desires (unless he’s since changed his mind).

Praying for you.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t know how many times I have suggested this, and the OP ignores the question of whether her FIL has been seen by a doctor.

Your father-in-law is showing signs that his mental health is failing, and possibly has early stages of dementia or Alzheimer’s.

You need to get him under a doctors care before he does something damaging to someone. He needs more help than just finding papers or keys or having his house fixed up and sold. He may be helped with meds, but only if he gets them.

I understand this is stressful on you and your marriage, and you have things to take care of, but this needs to be taken care of and plans discussed and made. If his mind is failing, he will be unable to decide for himself what is best for himself and his wife. Your husband, has PoA and will need to make the tough decisions. They may need to go to assisted living or they need Visiting Angels or the like to come in and care for them, that way, your MIL can stay at home also.

Since your in-laws are not desperate for money, your husband needs to get their house sold. Pay to have the work done with their money, or sell the house as is. It is a sellers market right now as the inventory is very low.

The situation is not going to get better, so the sooner you get things going as they should, the better off your own home will be as well as your relationships.

You and your husband cannot do this on your on, and since his family won’t get involved, you need outside help. New threads are not going to change the same problem. You cannot live with your In-laws, it is not fair to your children.

 

[bluerose]

My in laws have plenty of money.

My husband said they can’t move into a nursing home because my father in law wants to onlybmove to a nursing home which is 2 hours away. Because it’s in the same town he grew up in.

Okay, here it is… why won’t your husband agree to this? If this is what your father in law wants and he can afford it… why not? Yes, two hours away is a long drive but you don’t have to go every day (really, you don’t.) Your father in law probably will not be happy (if he is having issues with dementia, everything is going to be a short-term solution) but there are people there trained to deal with those kinds of issues, and you and your family can go back to normal. Of course, go visit him (and be prepared to dread those visits because his condition is going to make him difficult to spend time with) you’re not abandoning him, but really, if this is what he wants and he can afford it… why not?

 

[dollysro]

And the fil is a bully and has her intimidated, just like he has the mil.

 

[Annie]

Make sure your husband or you or both of you has the paperwork to be able to talk with doctors. We knew a family where the wife did not do that and they strengthened the HIPPA law and no one other than she was able to access her records or talk with the doctors. As a result, they were unable to manage her care in the best way possible.

 

[AlwaysChatholic]

My father in law is 88 and my mother in law is 85. My oldest son is 12 and youngest is 8 and they have to deal with this insanity. As soon as I got home from dropping off my oldest at school (I took my own time coming home) my father in law started yelling and freaking out. My 8 year old had to listen to this. I suggest to my hubby to bring in a social worker and he said no. My husband has a lot to do at the other two houses so he won’t come by at the new house today.So in the mean time the rest of us have to deal with his ranting and raving and angry outbursts. I feel for my kids that they have to go through this. We just lost my mother last year and we were the care givers for her too. I am not done grieving yet or don’t have time to properly grieve because of my current situation. My dad was the best and he was on oxygen and suffered alot but never once he ever complain about anything. Sadly God took him 16 years ago. I am still grieving and in times likes this I need him the most and cry that he can’t be with me or lived to see his grandsons.

 

[heidi_storage]

What is the point of posting? You ignore our advice. First things first: Get your father-in-law evaluated for dementia. Get some part-time help. Ignore his tantrums. There, I’m done repeating myself.

 

[dollysro]

I suggest to my hubby to bring in a social worker and he said no. My husband has a lot to do at the other two houses so he won’t come by at the new house today.

I think hubby needs to do some serious triaging.
No social worker? Then he can deal with them.
Other two houses work can wait, even better contract it out (fil has lots of money and one of the houses is hi).
It’s his parents for criminy sake!

 

[bluerose]

I suggest to my hubby to bring in a social worker and he said no. My husband has a lot to do at the other two houses so he won’t come by at the new house today

The time for suggesting is past. You must insist that you get help.

It sounds like your husband is using the fact that he is taking care of two other houses as an excuse to not deal with his own parents. I doubt the houses will collapse without his daily attention to them. I am positive his wife and family will definitely collapse without his support and help.